Would any of you do this?

Nurses General Nursing

Published

My uncle (father's older brother, he is 61 years old) has been living at one of the houses he owns (the house I grew up in, my parents have since purchased their "dream home" on an acre wooded lot about 10 minutes from the old house) with 2 of my brothers (ages 25 and 21) r/t the fact that he has epilepsy and can no longer live on his own. Well there's a family history of Alzheimer's and he has started to wander around the neighborhood and was picked up by the police. My brothers are not at the house all the time to watch him (one works, the other is a Senior in college) and they need someone at the house to make sure he doesn't wander, eats regularly, takes his meds, and generally does what he is supposed to as far as ADL's go. He is still capable of performing ADL's himself, just needs to be reminded. My brother's can't (and aren't that willing) to make sure all this happens, so my father approached me about coming over to the house during the week to make sure all these things get done. I am a SN, about to start my second year of NS. Dad is willing to pay me. I know that mixing family and money is not always a good idea, but I'm unemployed and frankly need the money. So is this something you guys would do, or do you think I should tell him no?

Specializes in Med/Surge, Psych, LTC, Home Health.

I would do it, and I would not have any problem accepting a little money for doing it. Like someone said, your dad would just be paying someone else to do it anyway, right? And your dad probably realizes that a) you NEED the money, and b) the time you spend helping out with your uncle is time that you could be spending doing work that isn't quite as meaningful, such as working at McD's or something... but making money. Sooo... might as well do something to help out the family, and get some money for doing THAT. Right?

Okay! :) Good luck, hope it all works out.

Specializes in Hospital Education Coordinator.

Frankly I do not see how you being there part of the time will make much of a difference. He needs someone full time. Consider a Home Health Provider. May be covered by his insurance. That, or a senior day care.

What about your brothers? Do they have a role in the care of your uncle? Would they be available as back-up caregivers if you have unexpected business to take care of?

I would recommend taking care of your uncle only if there are some very clear expectations and roles of the family members.

Make sure your uncle has been seen by a doctor. I once had a patient who started wandering and had behavior changes. It turned out he had an operable brain tumor.

Specializes in pediatrics, public health.
Frankly I do not see how you being there part of the time will make much of a difference. He needs someone full time. Consider a Home Health Provider. May be covered by his insurance. That, or a senior day care.

I have to agree with classicdame on this one. If he's already at the point where he's wandering off and being brought back home by the police, then he needs for someone to be with him and keeping an eye on him 24/7. You can't do that and go to nursing school too. I agree that you should consider adult day care or full time home health.

My stepfather had Alzheimers and got progressively worse in the 6 years between when he first started having symptoms and when he passed away. My mother tried very hard to take care of him on her own, but even as a retired person who was home all day, it got to be too much. She used adult day care for respite, and when my stepfather got to the point where even that was not adequate (he was so confused he would get up in the middle of the night and urinate into a wastebasket, thinking it was the toilet), she put him in a nursing home, and visited him as often as she could (though in the end he no longer recognized her) until he passed.

I don't see any reason to feel guilty about hiring outside help. If I get to the point of not being able to take care of myself in my declining years, I sincerely hope my son does put me in a nursing home, as long as he visits me there! I'd rather he do that than spend his early adulthood taking care of me!

I would definately set boundaries with your brother's. Let them know you are there to make sure your Uncle does the things he needs to be doing on a daily basis but you are not there to be there live in maid/laundry person/grocery shopper etc. If your Dad has offered to pay you, take it. Your time and effort in making sure he is well cared for and safe are worth a wage. What would the alternative be? To put him in a LTC facility that has 24/7 care? That is not cheap! I don't know where you live but here you can't get LTC for an elderly person for less than 3K a month and that's the cheap end. An Alzheimer's unit would cost much more. If your wanting to do this, take the wage, set the boundaries and know that eventually his disease progression will make it necessary to put him in LTC. I know, I've been there. Good luck!

Specializes in Psych.

Well as far as day care goes, that is when I would be there, during the day. I am in a evening/weekend RN program. We have one evening of lecture each week and clinicals sat and sun. I honestly don't know how bad it is right now, I haven't seen him in a few months. He went to their other brother's house for Thanksgiving this year, and that was where he was trying to go, back to Glenmont. My brother lives with his wife in the house my dad and uncles grew up in. If it got to the point that he really needed skilled care, he'd honestly probably just go back to Glenmont. That is how my other uncle came to live in my grandma's house again. When she started needing 24/7 care, my aunt and uncle moved back in to the house, my aunt quit her job (she was a LPN at the nursing home her aunt/uncle own) and she provided 24/7 care for my grandma. After my grandma died, she never did need to back to work, she became a SAHM after that. (Her daughter-my uncle's adoptive daughter) is grown now, just got married this summer.

Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.

Family relationships are always hard to advise others on due to the fact that no two families are the same, but I'm really not seeing anything that jumps out like a red flag of NO on this. My family members have entered into financial "contracts" if you will on many occasions and we have felt that this is actually better than leaving everything sort of murky to avoid appearing crass. For example, when my uncle offered to help my daughter with some college costs he told me that drawing paperwork up was a learning experience for her and that (privately) he would not hold her accountable if she finished college and graduated, but he didn't tell her that and I never expected that she should consider it an outright gift.

Making an agreement ahead of time makes it so that there are not uncomfortable issues people don't want to bring up but that tend to build up over time. It doesn't mean you aren't a loving family member.

Terpgal, It could work out to be a win-win here. It sounds like your extended family has a pretty supportive structure without a lot of whining and griping. If it was like that I would run for the hills!! :) You don't need to be piling on more stress while you are in nursing school from your family's unresolved issues.

In my state social services actually pays family members to take care of qualifying adults still living at home who don't have or don't choose to have a caregiver hired from the outside. If you decide to do this please come back and let us know how it works out! Best wishes.

My uncle (father's older brother, he is 61 years old) has been living at one of the houses he owns (the house I grew up in, my parents have since purchased their "dream home" on an acre wooded lot about 10 minutes from the old house) with 2 of my brothers (ages 25 and 21) r/t the fact that he has epilepsy and can no longer live on his own. Well there's a family history of Alzheimer's and he has started to wander around the neighborhood and was picked up by the police. My brothers are not at the house all the time to watch him (one works, the other is a Senior in college) and they need someone at the house to make sure he doesn't wander, eats regularly, takes his meds, and generally does what he is supposed to as far as ADL's go. He is still capable of performing ADL's himself, just needs to be reminded. My brother's can't (and aren't that willing) to make sure all this happens, so my father approached me about coming over to the house during the week to make sure all these things get done. I am a SN, about to start my second year of NS. Dad is willing to pay me. I know that mixing family and money is not always a good idea, but I'm unemployed and frankly need the money. So is this something you guys would do, or do you think I should tell him no?

I would say no. I just see all kinds of problems happening here. If your uncle has been evaluated as having Altzheimers then ALL the family needs to get together and formulate a plan of care. Otherwise, your duties will simply expand beyond reasonable "because you are gettting paid". And "You are a nurse". And "I work, I don't have time". And so on. I have seen this fracture families SO many times.

Specializes in Cardiology, Research, Family Practice.
LOL! And I thought just taking care of two was bad. My dad was a single parent, so I had to be "Mom" when I was teenager, and I tell you, I have a lot of respect for parents. But I have no kids!! (Been there, did that, still not sure I want to go there again.)

Sounds like you have things figured out in a way that will work for everybody. Good luck!!

Hilarious! - I was stuck playing parent to my three nieces whom my parents took custody from my brother when I was 15. Three baby girls, one right after the other. Now, I'm 32, and when my dad asks me about grandkids, I remind him of all the diapers, diarrhea, vomit, crying, colic, plus the times I had to be stuck at home when I wanted to be out with friends....

Specializes in Med/Surg, DSU, Ortho, Onc, Psych.

I think the best thing to do would be to say to ur Dad that u will do a trial when u start NS, to see how you can fit it all in.

When I was studying fulltime (internally & externally), I mainly worked at night, or full time jobs during the day when I studied externally. It was absolutely exhausting, especially when we had clinicals doing shiftwork during the week, and I had to work on the weekends as well, studying with no break.

U need to put urself & ur studies first. Do a trial for a few months, and remember that studying is a fulltime job in itself. U don't want to work and fail ur studies, and have to do them all again do you, as that will cost more money.

Maybe set certain hours to look after ur uncle & tell the rest of the family they will just have to help out. If he gets worse as he eventually will, though, u will all need to decide a long term strategy, like putting him into care. I've seen people come into our mental health unit having breakdowns cos they've been trying to care full time for a demented relative or work and care for a forgetful relative, and u can't do it all on ur own or even as a family. Just remember that.

+ Add a Comment