So, lately, I have been thinking about where I want to be in my career. While I'm not 100% sure where I would like to end up, I do know that my current situation is not one in which I wish to be in forever. I currently work two jobs, one as a nurse and one as a tech. The tech job has become so simple that it's becoming very routine and there are few challenges left for me in the area. While I greatly enjoy everyone that I work with, the job itself is not as fulfilling as I would like.
My other job is as a nurse at a rehab/ltc facility. While my basic nursing skills have greatly improved, I also feel that there are still more things to learn from this job, and am considering investing more time in this job so I can expand my skills and nursing knowledge. I am also considering switching departments at my one job so I am working as a nurse, and not a tech. I feel that I am ready to challenge myself in a different area of nursing.
The thing is, in order to do these things, I probably would have to lead my tech job. And there comes the dilemma: I am currently dating someone who I am working with in that area. While we greatly enjoy each other's company and share many interests, I am concerned that my attempts to advance my career may result in the loss of the relationship.
Truth is, while we talk with each other a lot, it seems to be mostly work related. While I try and open myself up, my boyfriend does not seem to reveal a lot about himself. In fact, sometimes I find out things about him from coworkers, and not him. When we are texting back and forth, it is generally me doing most of the talking. I generally have to initiate most of the contacts, including coming up with ideas for dates. He does not seem to have many interests, and has very little personal information to contribute to discussions. He also seems to lack ambition and passion for anything.
At the same time, he is a great guy that treats me well. Most of our friends and family feel that we are a great match, although my mom suspects that this may be more of a friendship than a serious relationship. We get asked a lot when we are getting married or having children.
I would feel bad if I chose to move on and my plans ended up not including him, especially since he is a very nice person. It would also mean that I would probably be single again, and with my 27th birthday coming up, time is running out to find someone to marry. At the same time, my desire to have a successful nursing career came LONG before I met him.
So I guess I'm a little mixed. Do I continue in my current positions so I can be sure that I am still in a relationship? Or do I go for the career that I have worked very hard for and continue to work hard for, and risk losing the relationship?
I'm just worried people would think less of me if I chose to move on, because they really like us both. Also, the guy has done nothing wrong and treats me well, so I'm worried it will be seen selfish and heartless if I choose my career over him. He really doesn't have much going on in his life, and people say that I seem happier now that I'm with him.
To me it seems that you're doing everything you can to make others happy. You also seem to perceive valuing your own needs as being selfish. If the people in your life actually deserve to be in your life, they'll be happy for your achievements and career advancements.
Specializes in M/S, LTC, Corrections, PDN & drug rehab.
I picked up on so many red flags that I would get out of that relationship even if you weren't changing jobs. He may treat you well, like you said, but if he doesn't initiate conversation or discuss his life that is really odd. Especially if you're finding out things about him from your coworkers. He should want to talk to you as much as you want to talk to him. Don't feel in a rush to get settled down & have kids. Because then you will marry and/or have kids with the wrong person. I wouldn't make a major life decision based around someone I kinda like. From what I can tell, your boyfriend isn't totally into you or committed to you. So go ahead & change positions. See what happens when you do. If he is still your boyfriend after, then yay. But don't be surprised if he isn't.
You know what, if he really likes you that much and values the relationship, he'll find a way to help you make it work. If the work to keep the relationship going isn't worth it without working together, it's time for the relationship to end. It should never be career or significant other. They can and should work in tandem.
OP, I'll be upfront with you. At first I wasn't even going to reply because I felt slightly annoyed, or frustrated perhaps, after reading your posts in this thread. I'm not even sure why, but I think it's mainly because the narrative isn't consistent and there's a wishy-washy helpless quality to it all. That's not your fault, it just happens to be something which irks me. Please bear with me though, I am responding because I do want to offer what hopefully amounts to helpful advice.
I am currently dating someone who I am working with in that area. While we greatly enjoy each other's company and share many interests, I am concerned that my attempts to advance my career may result in the loss of the relationship.
He does not seem to have many interests
he is not willing to reveal much about himself and does not appear to have any interests to have a conversation about.
Which is it? Do you share many interests, or doesn't he have any interests? It can't really be both.
If all you have in common is an interest for PVCs, delta waves and Wenckebach blocks, that's most likely not enough in the long run.
I do wonder how long the relationship would last since most of our discussions involve work. Without working at the same place, there may be little to base our relationship off of
So what's the solution to this? The two of you working together in the same place until you both retire? Is that a realistic option?
I'm going to list some of the things you've said about your relationship.
Cons (I assume):
Truth is, while we talk with each other a lot, it seems to be mostly work related.
While I try and open myself up, my boyfriend does not seem to reveal a lot about himself.
When we are texting back and forth, it is generally me doing most of the talking.
I generally have to initiate most of the contacts, including coming up with ideas for dates.
He does not seem to have many interests, and has very little personal information to contribute to discussions.
He also seems to lack ambition and passion for anything.
he is not willing to reveal much about himself and does not appear to have any interests to have a conversation about.
He doesn't appear to have any goals in life
Yet, he goes around pretending that he's passed the exam, even though I'm almost positive he has not.
Pros:
At the same time, he is a great guy that treats me well.
This is an extremely important question I think that you should ask yourself. If a friend you cared about described her relationship this way, what advice would you offer her?
Only you can decide what you want and need in a partner, but that pros/cons (im)balance isn't one I'd personally be willing to settle for. I would never stay in such a relationship, but that's me. By the way in my opinion, treating you well should be the default position, not the only positive attribute you can list.
What does your pros/cons list tell you about your feelings for him? To, me your interest seems kind of lukewarm. There's likely a reason why you listed so many cons, and a single pro. Don't you deserve better? Doesn't he?
I'm just worried people would think less of me if I chose to move on, because they really like us both.
Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship just so that others wouldn't think less of her, regardless of whether the relationship was a good one or not?
I am concerned that my attempts to advance my career may result in the loss of the relationship.
There's only one way to find out.
Do I continue in my current positions so I can be sure that I am still in a relationship?
You can't be sure. Remaining in this job isn't a guarantee that you'll still be together in ten years, or even in one year.
I would feel bad if I chose to move on and my plans ended up not including him, especially since he is a very nice person.
And I don't want to cut out someone who could be a good match just because I'm ambitious and want to do more with my life and nursing career.
Just as staying in the same job isn't a foolproof way of protecting the relationship, leaving isn't predestined to cause the two of you breaking up.
It seems to me that you have created/constructed a scenario where the only way you guys can stay together is for you to be joined at the hips, at the same workplace and if you find employment elsewhere, that will be enough to break up the relationship. I'm not convinced that's true, but if it turns out to be, what does that tell you?
Do you think that a relationship that proves to be so fragile could withstand the stress of having and raising children and hopefully spend many, many years together with all of life's ups and downs?
Maybe I'm expecting too much after almost a year of dating.
We get asked a lot when we are getting married or having children.
This must be a cultural thing. In my neck of the woods (Scandinavia), most people would be giving you this look if you start talking children after dating for less than a year. People definitely wouldn't be asking the couple/pressuring them for a date.
I realize it might be viewed differently though, but I still want to caution you to make a decision to commit to this relationship if that decision is primarily based on:
It would also mean that I would probably be single again, and with my 27th birthday coming up, time is running out to find someone to marry.
Feeling that time is running out (and I disagree that's the case at the age of 27), isn't in my opinion a good reason to commit to someone if you have doubts/reservations.
Look, as I've said previously, only you can decide what's best for you. If it were me, I'd do what I deem is best for my career and personal growth. That would be my priority and if that meant leaving the tech job, it would be an easy decision.
As I've already mentioned, the relationship you've described wouldn't do it for me. But if you think there's something there, you still need to find out if it's sustainable in the long run. The way I see it, the relationship might survive that career move. If it does that would indicate to me that there might be something there worth building on. If it on the other hand, didn't survive that rather minor disruption, that would be a clear sign to me that the two of us didn't really share anything substantive in the first place, and that's something I'd rather find out sooner than later.
Also, I think you'd benefit from trying to figure out what it is that you want, rather than worrying what others might think of your decisions/actions. It's your life, it's your choices.
I wish you luck with your decision and much happiness in life!
I only think you should make major life decisions with a spouse or committed partner. You have not indicated that is the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend. You are pretty much saying he's Mr. Right Now and you're getting older so why not. You never said anything about love or sharing a life together. I think you should cut him lose/slowly fade to black and figure out what you want. Don't settle for someone because you feel like no one better is going to come along. How would you feel if someone did that to you?
Your BF is not open about his life, his goals, his dreams, and he wasn't honest about a test he didn't pass. I would move on, whether you switch jobs or not, this is not a great relationship. Of course if you just want a friend with benefits, that's cool, but don't let that relationship hold you back in your career.
Yeah, that's not really my thing. I want a committed relationship.
Ok, to be more blunt you are flirting with disaster ....if you are truly a lis. Nurse working as a they.... ( I have no idea why).... Your state BON, holds you to standard of your lis., if you are lis.nurse , he is a tech......you are having a "relationship" with a suborndant, in the board of nursing eyes......things may go astray, you would or could be seen as sexual harassment, exploitation, maybe loose your job, maybe face displinary action from your state board........you have said, he really has nothing going for him.....You are flirting with disaster! I don't know, I only have a humble 45 years experience and been head nurse, supvisor, and hiring mgr.,Don, Several times......the first action I would take is to "let you go, as terminate you......" Because even though you work as Tech...I know BON position!
... It would be my experience to terminate you
Hmm, something to definitely think about. So this would still apply, even though the employer that I work as a tech for does not consider me to be a nurse? If that's true, that will have me thinking long and hard. In a way, it almost makes me frustrated to have a nursing license, because it sounds like I'll be held to those standards, even when I am working non-nursing positions.
At the same time, maybe he's just a slow one to open up. Maybe I'm expecting too much after almost a year of dating. And I don't want to cut out someone who could be a good match just because I'm ambitious and want to do more with my life and nursing career.
A year is plenty of time to know someone pretty well. If he's not willing to open up to you in any meaningful way, it's hard to build a trusting relationship, and I would expect some level of opening up to a dating partner after that long a period of time--maybe not deepest, darkest secrets (totally depends on the couple) but definitely enough to have an idea of some of the challenges the other has faced in life. Honestly, I think your expectations are too low!
I am working as an ECG technician, not as a nursing assistant. I continue to work at this job because I've enjoyed the department and the people I'm working with. It will give me great recommendations if I choose to transfer at this employer. I'm not sure why I shouldn't be allowed to work this position? Even though I'm an RN and no one else, except the head manager, is one, I don't see what the problem is. All it means is that I'm overqualified for the position, in a sense. Obviously, I have to accept lower pay. I don't think my employer would let me do something the BON would not approve of. Just because I do have an RN license, doesn't necessarily mean I have to work as one. At least, I don't think so.
Personally, I assumed you meant a nursing assistant role when you said "tech" as that's what the role was called where I used to work. I'm not sure what the rules are for ECG tech but it's possible you'll still be held to the standards of your nursing license. I have never considered it a good idea to date someone who was a coworker--maybe someone who works in a different department or something, but not someone you work with regularly. Opens up too many questionable doors for my comfort.
How long have you been with him? Doesnt seem like that long the way it sounds. I mean do you have to end it if you go to the other job full time? Cant you just see how things go? If it fizzles out, it fizzles out and you will know for sure then. But seriously just because everything looks good on paper about this relationship, doesnt mean its a reason to keep it going. (in my opinion, everything doesnt look good about this relationship). You know you feel something off/ just not quite right, follow your gut. Sure he may be a nice person, doesnt mean you have to stick things out just for that.
She said almost a year, and I agree with everything you said.
I only think you should make major life decisions with a spouse or committed partner. You have not indicated that is the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend. You are pretty much saying he's Mr. Right Now and you're getting older so why not. You never said anything about love or sharing a life together. I think you should cut him lose/slowly fade to black and figure out what you want. Don't settle for someone because you feel like no one better is going to come along. How would you feel if someone did that to you?
Totally agree.
OP, it is my belief that it is far better to be single than to be married or in a committed relationship with someone who's not right for you. Far better to find out you're not compatible before it costs thousands in legal fees to separate from the other person. He does not sound very invested in this relationship, and I would never consider a permanent relationship with someone who wasn't crazy about me, nor I him. He may be a very nice guy but if he's reluctant to open up to you now, won't share interests with you now, etc., then it will not get better if you were to marry him. "Nice" is not enough to get through the hard times marriages can face--illness, unemployment, loss of property or family, etc. You need someone who's going to be in your corner, cheering you on, going to bat for you when you need it. Not someone who's nice but won't share anything about himself with you.
I think you should look into pursuing a nursing position that challenges you and helps you become the kind of nurse you want to be, where you feel like you're making a difference (or whatever it is you want out of your nursing career). Don't stay "stuck" in the tech role because you think it's what others expect of you. If the relationship survives your moving on, then you guys can explore the possibility of building a deeper relationship. If he doesn't care about your goals or the relationship fizzles out or whatever--it wasn't the right relationship to begin with. And being free of what's not right for you will leave you open and ready for what is right for you.
How long have you been with him? Doesnt seem like that long the way it sounds. I mean do you have to end it if you go to the other job full time? Cant you just see how things go? If it fizzles out, it fizzles out and you will know for sure then. But seriously just because everything looks good on paper about this relationship, doesnt mean its a reason to keep it going. (in my opinion, everything doesnt look good about this relationship). You know you feel something off/ just not quite right, follow your gut. Sure he may be a nice person, doesnt mean you have to stick things out just for that.
We have been dating for almost a year and that's why some of these things bother me. I still know relatively little about him personally. I know the longer you're with someone, the more you know, but I feel like I should know more about him by now than I do.
At the same time, it's always a risk to change jobs, especially if that new job doesn't work out. And I really enjoy his company and don't want to necessarily cut him loose because of my ambitions.
OP, I'll be upfront with you. At first I wasn't even going to reply because I felt slightly annoyed, or frustrated perhaps, after reading your posts in this thread. I'm not even sure why, but I think it's mainly because the narrative isn't consistent and there's a wishy-washy helpless quality to it all. That's not your fault, it just happens to be something which irks me. Please bear with me though, I am responding because I do want to offer what hopefully amounts to helpful advice.
Which is it? Do you share many interests, or doesn't he have any interests? It can't really be both.
If all you have in common is an interest for PVCs, delta waves and Wenckebach blocks, that's most likely not enough in the long run.
!
Yeah, I can see where that part was confusing. I guess when I said we share interests, I meant it appears that we enjoy doing the same things, since he says yes to everything I suggest. But I don't really know, since he never really offers an opinion on anything. That's where the lack of interests come in--not only does he not come up with that many suggestions about what to do when we go out, but when we do our conversations are basically just about what has happened at work. It's been a year, and I don't even know what music he listens to or what TV shows he watches.
if you start talking children after dating for less than a year. People definitely wouldn't be asking the couple/pressuring them for a date.
Purple_roses
1,763 Posts
To me it seems that you're doing everything you can to make others happy. You also seem to perceive valuing your own needs as being selfish. If the people in your life actually deserve to be in your life, they'll be happy for your achievements and career advancements.