Would you feel comfortable with putting your loved ones in a nursing home?

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  1. Would you feel comfortable with putting your loved ones in a nursing home?

    • 48
      Yes
    • 257
      No
    • 53
      Not sure

358 members have participated

It is an inevitable course we are on. One day, most of our parents will wind up in a nursing home. Their care just becomes too demanding for their children who have jobs and families and simply not enough time to handle it all. I have seen a lot of guilt from family members over the years for doing this, yet the decisions they made are no fault of their own. Would you feel comfortable with putting your loved ones in a nursing home?

It sounds like your "momma" has really been through a lot and I feel very bad for her. The Katrina situation was horrible for everyone, and people in nursing homes suffered as much, so don't assume that if she was in a nursing home at that time she would have been well cared for. But I digress. I'm trying incredibly hard not to judge...

That being said... if my husband ever gave me the impression that he was "not sure he could stay with me if I insisted on bringing my parent home" then I don't think the day would ever come that he would have that choice, because I could not be with someone who felt that way. My husband does not want his parents to stay with us when they get old, and thats his choice, but its been clear since very close to our beginning that my devotion to my parents is just that, and that if he ever made me chose between them (and thats what I would see "bring momma home and I'm gone" as) then he is not the right guy for me.

To each their own. Considering the alternatives, it sounds like your mother in law is really in the best possible situation for her.

And there's a HUGE difference between a situation where Mom or Dad simply can't live on their own any more, and someone who requires total physical care.

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you took my judgement comment completely out of context... I meant in regards to the katrina situation, which, by your story itself, sounded like your MIL's caretaker didn't give much consideration to her (as you said something about them "looking for an hour and running off"). My judgement comment was part of the paragraph you "snipped" out of my response.... I'm sorry you got so offended, but that was you reading something into it that was totally not there.

I said that considering the situations I thought she was in the right place (basically agreeing with you, if not with the why of it).

You're right, I have not had the upbringing you or your husband have had, or the upbringing MY husband has had for that matter. I had my own, and my parents took care of me, so I feel the need to return the favor and I have great respect and admiration for my parents. They are not my parents because of genetics...they are my parents because they held my hair while I threw up, nursed me through chicken pox and measles and all manner of illnesses and heartbreak. They loved me no matter how rotten I was to them, or to myself.

If I had a parent that was not a parent to me when I needed one, you're probably right. I would not feel the need to care for them later on either. I am grateful for the parents that I did get, and I speak from my own experience.

As far as my "judgement" comment goes... regardless of how horrible your MIL is, its amazing to me that someone would leave her to her own devices wandering in confusion in the middle of a hurricane. That, to me, seems negligent almost to the point of abuse. So there you have it... I guess I cannot hold my judgement after all. How you got from there to thinking I suggested that you give up your children is VERY beyond me.

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Specializes in Forensic/Psych/Surgical nurse.

I would have to thoroughly investigate the place. My mom and dad don't want to be "strapped to a daughter."

They think that nursing homes make it so you can be social and independant. I guess so, but I've seen too many horror stories of abusive people at nursing homes. (Law & Order:SVU, Happy Gilmore, The Simpsons, just to name a few.) If I could, I'd want to see the staff members' bios and/or interview them.

In a nutshell: Yes, I would. (I have no choice!)

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
you took my judgement comment completely out of context... i meant in regards to the katrina situation, which, by your story itself, sounded like your mil's caretaker didn't give much consideration to her (as you said something about them "looking for an hour and running off"). my judgement comment was part of the paragraph you "snipped" out of my response.... i'm sorry you got so offended, but that was you reading something into it that was totally not there.

i said that considering the situations i thought she was in the right place (basically agreeing with you, if not with the why of it).

you're right, i have not had the upbringing you or your husband have had, or the upbringing my husband has had for that matter. i had my own, and my parents took care of me, so i feel the need to return the favor and i have great respect and admiration for my parents. they are not my parents because of genetics...they are my parents because they held my hair while i threw up, nursed me through chicken pox and measles and all manner of illnesses and heartbreak. they loved me no matter how rotten i was to them, or to myself.

if i had a parent that was not a parent to me when i needed one, you're probably right. i would not feel the need to care for them later on either. i am grateful for the parents that i did get, and i speak from my own experience.

as far as my "judgement" comment goes... regardless of how horrible your mil is, its amazing to me that someone would leave her to her own devices wandering in confusion in the middle of a hurricane. that, to me, seems negligent almost to the point of abuse. so there you have it... i guess i cannot hold my judgement after all. how you got from there to thinking i suggested that you give up your children is very beyond me.

guess i'm a horrible person because i, too am guilty of judging agnes for just leaving mama in a disaster area after looking for "a whole hour." but no, the judgment i was reacting to was where you said that if your dh made you choose between your family with him and your parents, he wouldn't be your dh. from that, i read that you were judging me for not being able to live with a nasty, selfish and manipulative virago who would assault our child -- even if i were inclined to live with a combative, demented mother-in-law who had never been much of a parent assaulting me and dh. or for not wishing to give up my job to care for my mil -- or support the whole family while dh gave up his.

sometimes the care a parent needs is more than a child can give. i'm glad nursing homes are there for that.

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I encourage each of you to never say never. No one knows what it's like for another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I was in my last semester of nursing school when Mom's dementia kicked into high gear. She also became unable to walk and required total care. I had to work due to financial reasons. I also had no brothers or sisters to help with her care. There also wasn't the financial resources to pay for at home care. It was a difficult decision, but I did place my mother in a nursing home. It was one that I investigated extensively. I also got a job working at this facility as a CNA until I finished school and completed my boards. This gave me the chance to be there more often and to see that the correct care was being given. I have to say that I was amazed at the care that she was given there. Everyone loved her and couldn't do enough for her. By the way, I am still employed at this facility as an LPN. That was two years ago. When my mother drew her last breath at this facility, I had the support of both my colleages and my friends with me. I only hope each and every day, that I can give my patients and their families the same kind of love and devotion that my mother received at this facility. There are some good facilities out there. I guess that I was just lucky enough to find one.

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Specializes in Telemetry.

You know I watched both of my grandmothers die in nursing homes. I hate them, especially the ones that are affordable by medicaid recipiants. Middle class America is facing this decision. Do I put my family member in a government afforded institution where they will probably recieve substandard care because there is to little staff or do I go broke trying to afford the care that my loved one deserves but will leave me finacially strapped for the rest of my life?

I know someone who worked at a nursing home as an LPN, she was assigned 41 patients each shift. Nursing homes are horrible places unless you are rich. I will not support them if I can help it. My family member will recieve better care from me, even if I am not capable of providing them with everything they need. I would rather my family die at home in a place they are comfortable than in their own feces at some facility like my grandmothers did.

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I encourage each of you to never say never. No one knows what it's like for another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I was in my last semester of nursing school when Mom's dementia kicked into high gear. She also became unable to walk and required total care. I had to work due to financial reasons. I also had no brothers or sisters to help with her care. There also wasn't the financial resources to pay for at home care. It was a difficult decision, but I did place my mother in a nursing home. It was one that I investigated extensively. I also got a job working at this facility as a CNA until I finished school and completed my boards. This gave me the chance to be there more often and to see that the correct care was being given. I have to say that I was amazed at the care that she was given there. Everyone loved her and couldn't do enough for her. By the way, I am still employed at this facility as an LPN. That was two years ago. When my mother drew her last breath at this facility, I had the support of both my colleages and my friends with me. I only hope each and every day, that I can give my patients and their families the same kind of love and devotion that my mother received at this facility. There are some good facilities out there. I guess that I was just lucky enough to find one.

:icon_hug:

And on the other end of things, I know a woman who has a multiply-disabled child and she and her husband know that they will eventually have to place him in a care facility. I just can't imagine how painful a decision like that would be, although we all know there are situations where that has to be done.

The really sad thing about pediatric LTC that I have heard over and over again (and you people who have worked in these places can confirm or deny this) is how few of the parents visit, or even call to see how the children are doing.

:crying2:

The above statement would also apply to an elderly parent who has to place their middle-aged child who has had a brain tumor, stroke, car accident, etc. in a home.

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Specializes in Psychiatrics.

It completely depends on the nursing home...........

About two years ago my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She had to have a hip replacement. She ended up needing therapy and was not able to go directly back home where she and my grandpa lived. (Grandpa just had open heart surgery just 3 weeks prior.) She ended up living in the nursing home (luckily it was the one that I worked at) for just over a month. She got really good care, I think partially because of the fact that I worked there and I was her grand-daughter, but also because of the good care of the staff. She was able to go home and is doing fine now. I have had two great-grandmothers that have lived/died in that nursing home, but it was their time to go.

BUT.....not all nursing homes are like that and I would not feel comfortable putting my loved ones in some nursing homes. But if worse to come worse and I had to put a loved one in a nursing home....I would make sure to follow-up on their care and stay envolved.

But then again.....that's just my :twocents: worth.

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Specializes in cardiac, ortho, med-surg.

no! i am still not comfortable with it....though it was out of my hands. my mother was diagnosed with ms when i was 3, about 33 years ago. she had a rough go at the start, but her meds kept her pretty mobile. her only major problem was her right leg locking up on her. she never lost speech, vision, or any other ambulation issues. last year she fell twice. she was living at home with my father. he put her in the people kennel shortly after the second fall. she was ambulatory then. now she has foot drop and depends on the overworked staff for all of her care. she has muscle wasting. her leg was broken by a cna who decided to move her without assistance. she is two-person assist. i live 1,000 miles away or i would have taken her in. at first she was disoriented and had problems adjusting to her new environment. now she is institutionalized mentally and will not leave now. she is a perfect candidate for home health, but my father has her space filled at their house. yeah it is what it means. i have worked in nursing homes and i would challenge anyone to tell me that they are wonderful places to be. they are people kennels, except they won't euthanize after a certain period of time or they lose profits.

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

I hope I never ever have to make the call. My parents are divorced. I'm my mother's only child, and I'm one of 2 on my dad's side (that's the brother who's the Marine in my siggy line...anyway).

#1) Mom & Dad have been divorced x 25 yrs now. It would be quite awkward to have them living under the same roof when they are senior citizens. Fortunately, they are both in good health at the moment, at 50 & 56.

#2) Mom and I have already had 'the talk' and she has assisted living insurance for when she can't live on her own; when that runs out, we've told her we don't mind her moving in w/ us. But she's adamant that if she ever gets so bad that we can't take care of her, she does not want to be a burden to us and will go to a nsg home.

#3) Dad does NOT want to go to a nsg home, period. I have a feeling, though, that he will be one of those 95yo men that works his garden and walks 3 miles a day.

I hope they both just fall asleep one day in their old age & don't wake up. :)

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yes, i would feel comfortable putting my loved ones in a nursuing home.

and unless they can pull ALOT of money out of there behinds between now and then, theyre going. private in home care is very expensive and all consuming. ive done alot of private duties, and it is not the easy thing that you think it is. it is consuming and emotionally draining.

these are the guidelines we are using for making this decision. (DH is an LPN and the oldest. i am in nursing school now and am also the oldest). we agree that a once a week visit to grocery shop, manage meds, balance a checkbook and clean, is very reasonable. but if someone becomes safety risk they need not be home. if someone cant cook, clean, shower, ADL's, and wipe there own behind, they will be in a nursing home. period.

I believe a child should want to help there aging parents. but it is not an obligation to turn your entire life upside down and go into financial bankrupcy to keep a loved one home. to have kids as a retirement plan is selfish and low class.

We have had this discussion with both sets of parents at this point. and have explained that this is what we believe. they are fine with this. and yes our parents are not near that point in there lives, but its good to talk about it so that everyone knows where everyone stands. each parent will be treated equally and fairly. something will not be done for my parents and not his. its the only fair thing to do, otherwise you create animosity between spouses.

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I believe a child should want to help there aging parents. but it is not an obligation to turn your entire life upside down and go into financial bankrupcy to keep a loved one home. to have kids as a retirement plan is selfish and low class.

We have had this discussion with both sets of parents at this point. and have explained that this is what we believe. they are fine with this. and yes our parents are not near that point in there lives, but its good to talk about it so that everyone knows where everyone stands. each parent will be treated equally and fairly. something will not be done for my parents and not his. its the only fair thing to do, otherwise you create animosity between spouses.

My parents have never said they were using me as a retirement plan. :) My father actually has some crazy plan to wander off into the woods and die like a Native American from the old stories or something, lol. But I am hoping to dissuade him from that, because I love him too much to see that happen. (thats not dementia talking, thats just my dad's way)

In my family, as I mentioned, we are doing something different with my family than with his. I know there is no animosity about it, because we've talked at length about it between us. His family is much more "pro nursing home" and its standard practice in his family for people to go there when they reach that point. Every older person in his family was in a nursing home, from when I first did the "family rounds" meeting everyone. In my family, its just not done. Its just not. I don't know why our families are so different (in many MANY MANY ways) but its hard to describe the differences without actually understanding our family dynamics. My family has always taken care of eachother, from the young to the old to those that fell of the "right path" be it from financial loss/divorce/youthful negligence/whatever. Its not just a nursing home "issue". I know that even though I am in my 30's today, if I had a problem, any problem, I could go to my parents and they would hug me and kiss me and take me in...even if it meant taking my husband and children and not having any space of their own or barely enough money to feed us. Its just how we are. I guess my family is more socialist than capitalist as it were :) Where my husband's family is just lacking that bond somehow. Don't get me wrong. They love eachother, I'm sure. We're just not close with them, and they all seem to fight with eachother a lot, lol.

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