Would you feel comfortable with putting your loved ones in a nursing home?

tencat · Jul 27, 2008

My mother has died, so I don't have to worry about that. My father doesn't want to be in one, but it would really depend on what was wrong with him. Alzheimer's is so hard to care for until they become incapacitated and cannot walk around any more. My dad says he'll commit suicide if he becomes ill enough, but I have my doubts about his really doing it if push came to shove. Nursing homes are just bad news because the companies that run them are greedy and won't provide the care that the residents deserve.

Tash4nvyblues, RN · Jul 28, 2008

Working in the community, I do see lot's of families suffer because, they chose not to place their parent in care. The whole family including children are effected by the 24 hour care often required. I looked after a demented lady who was living with her daughter and when she died the children (teenagers) had nothing else to say other then "So does this mean we can be a family again". My parents have already said to me they would want to go into a home if the time ever came and even though I wouldn't like it I would respect their wishes.

PeachyERNurse, BSN, RN · Jul 28, 2008

After reading all the horror stories here on allnurses about staff to resident ratio, I'm gonna have to vote NO:no:

Altra, BSN, RN · Jul 28, 2008

Yes, I feel comfortable and have done so.

It is a wrenching decision. But for my family, we found that there is dignity in accepting that there are inevitable phases to one's life, and in accepting that the vast majority of us will have considerably diminished capacities at some point.

Brekke · Aug 5, 2008

As someone who's worked in nursing homes, I would have to say that I would never put anyone I cared for in a nursing home if I could help it. Now I don't mean to offend anyone working in a nursing home, as I do understand how hard you have to work, I just wouldn't feel comfortable with family in a nursing home.

If they reach the point that there is no possible way for me to care for them alone, I'll hire a private home nurse to help. No cost is too much for my family.

rph3664 · Aug 6, 2008

It is an inevitable course we are on. One day, most of our parents will wind up in a nursing home. Their care just becomes too demanding for their children who have jobs and families and simply not enough time to handle it all. I have seen a lot of guilt from family members over the years for doing this, yet the decisions they made are no fault of their own. Would you feel comfortable with putting your loved ones in a nursing home?

Where do you live that "most" seniors end up in a nursing home? I understand that fewer than 5% of all elderly people end up as full-time residents in such a facility.

Some people have to go there for short-term care, and others live in homes with varying levels of care. Most of them (that I know, anyway) are able to live in their homes until their final illness.

BradleyRN · Aug 6, 2008

Where do you live that "most" seniors end up in a nursing home? I understand that fewer than 5% of all elderly people end up as full-time residents in such a facility.

The statistic you are basing that 5% on is coming from an elderly population that begins at 65. Fortunately, we do not retire, get our gold watch, and check into a nursing home all in the same day. Hopefully, most will make it well beyond age 65 before they start requiring total care.

The average nursing home resident is 79, and thus if you took your sample of elderly people from a higher age bracket, then you would likely find a percentage many times larger than 5%. :)

missjennmb · Aug 8, 2008

No, I would never ever put my loved on in a nursing home. If they were in a coma and never knew it... no I still would not do it. I just wouldn't do that to someone I loved. It may be fine for others, but its just not done in my family. We cared for my great aunt when she was getting old, and I felt it was a blessing to have her around. She was old, fairly incontinent, could not walk well, had to eat special foods, and a lot of other special needs, but ya know what? I was a little kid, not even 9 yrs old and I have the most incredible memories of her stories of HER child hood.

I guess its just a result of my upbringing, but I see caring for my parents when and if they allow it, as an honor and my duty just as they cared for THEIR parents and their parents did it before them.

My father is terrified to a point that I cannot even begin to describe, about the idea of his children putting him in a nursing home. The older he gets, the worse his fear. Its unfounded, as i would not do that, but just his fear alone reaffirms my very strong belief. Its very heartbreaking for me to see, and I know that no matter how horrible it would be (he's a bit... well he's quirky lol) I still know he would rather die than go into a nursing home, and unlike the PP, I am quite sure my father would go through with it.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 8, 2008

no doubt some of you have already read my story. but here it is again. my mother-in-law was always a self-centered, over-the-top drama queen, and when i met her for the first time in 1997, i thought she was developing some form of dementia. "no," said my husband and his three sisters. "that's the way she's always been!" each time we visited, her behavior was stranger and stranger and each time we visited, the family assured me that she wasn't "losing it", but that i was seeing more of her outrageous behavior because she was feeling more comfortable with me as part of the family.

in january 2005, one of dh's cousins found mama sloshing around her house in ankle deep water from an overflowing toilet. mama didn't understand the problem. she went to the hospital where dh's oldest sister, agnes was told that either mama went to a nursing home or home with agnes. agnes took her home, where she installed mama in a storage room filled with junk and set about merrily cashing mama's social security and pension checks. mama kept running away to go back to her house, but at least that made it easy to find her and bring her back. then came september.

did i mention that mama and agnes lived in new orleans? can you say "katrina"?

mama, in her dementia, walked away from an evacuation center. agnes says she spent "a whole hour" looking for her before getting on the first available bus out of there. mama spent five days in a disaster area before being "rescued" in four feet of water outside of her house. (in the process, she beat up several rescuers, a few sheriff's deputies and a paramedic.) when the sheriff's department called agnes to tell her that her mama had been located, agnes was "too traumatized" to deal with her, and told them to call her sister bertha. bertha was reached on her cellphone at the convention center where she was brawling over a sandwich and a bottle of water and didn't sleep for several days for fear of being robbed (or worse) in her sleep. there was nothing she could do. so they called us. we were out of the country and had no idea what was happening in new orleans. then they called dh's youngest sister, cordelia.

cordelia, bless her heart, said "i'll do whatever i can." and the sheriff's deputies took up a collection to put mama on a plane and send her to cordelia in new england. (probably they were delighted to get the old woman out of their jurisdiction -- even when she didn't have the excuse of dementia, she was hell on wheels!) from the airport, cordelia took mama to the emergency room, where it was immediately obvious that mama couldn't live on her own. after a "tune-up," cordelia could take her home or to a nursing home. it was an easy choice -- mama assaulted cordelia's two young children the first day, cordelia the second and cordelia's husband put his foot down when mama threatened to slit his throat with a plastic knife. (i'm sure he'd have been afraid to close his eyes at night.)

mama is in a nursing home. she's safe, she's healthy and she's not wandering around a disaster area. she's warm in winter, cool in summer and fed three meals a day. all of us can safely close our eyes at night, and no one has to quit their job to stay home and take care of mama.

i realize that "loved one" only loosely describes how i feel about mama, but i am oh so very grateful to have a nice, safe, clean nursing home to put her in! i'm not sure i could stay with my dh had he insisted on bringing her home to live with us.

missjennmb · Aug 9, 2008

i'm not sure i could stay with my dh had he insisted on bringing her home to live with us.

it sounds like your "momma" has really been through a lot and i feel very bad for her. the katrina situation was horrible for everyone, and people in nursing homes suffered as much, so don't assume that if she was in a nursing home at that time she would have been well cared for. but i digress. i'm trying incredibly hard not to judge...

that being said... if my husband ever gave me the impression that he was "not sure he could stay with me if i insisted on bringing my parent home" then i don't think the day would ever come that he would have that choice, because i could not be with someone who felt that way. my husband does not want his parents to stay with us when they get old, and thats his choice, but its been clear since very close to our beginning that my devotion to my parents is just that, and that if he ever made me chose between them (and thats what i would see "bring momma home and i'm gone" as) then he is not the right guy for me.

to each their own. considering the alternatives, it sounds like your mother in law is really in the best possible situation for her.

Blackcat99 · Aug 9, 2008

I am extremely lucky that I am able to keep Mom at home. Before Mom got alzheimer's, I had always thought that my brother would gladly help out with her care since he is always telling everyone what a "Good Christian" he is. If I didn't have these 2 great non-family caregivers helping me with Mom, I would have to put my mother in a nursing home. So beware friends, you may find yourself "totally on your own" when you think you can depend

on help from family members. In the past, when I tried to take care of Mom all by myself I almost ended up having a total "nervous breakdown". I will never ever put myself in such a stressful situation again.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 9, 2008

i'm trying incredibly hard not to judge...
that being said... if my husband ever gave me the impression that he was "not sure he could stay with me if i insisted on bringing my parent home" then i don't think the day would ever come that he would have that choice, because i could not be with someone who felt that way. my husband does not want his parents to stay with us when they get old, and thats his choice, but its been clear since very close to our beginning that my devotion to my parents is just that, and that if he ever made me chose between them (and thats what i would see "bring momma home and i'm gone" as) then he is not the right guy for me.
to each their own. considering the alternatives, it sounds like your mother in law is really in the best possible situation for her.

everyone's family situation is different. evidently you had caring, nurturing parents who are as devoted to you as you are to them. that makes you incredibly lucky. neither dh nor i was fortunate in that regard, and my mother-in-law even on her best days was self-centered, manipulative and over the top in the drama department. add a bit of dementia to that and a history with that behavior that leaves you wondering if that's the dementia talking or if it's just "mama's baseline" and perhaps you wouldn't be so eager to have her in your home. add to that the fact that she beat all of her children when they were little and started in on her grandchildren when she was left alone with them -- why should anyone put up with that in their home? how could i endanger the child that way? or should we give up the child so that mama could come and live with us?

but i'm trying desparately not to judge the opinions of someone who clearly hasn't had the same upbringing as dh and i . . . .