Why doesn't any job seem to fit?? (AKA what is wrong with me?)

[Nurse Magnolia]

Hi all, 

I graduated in May 2019 from a diploma program and have since also gotten my BSN.  I LOVED nursing school and I excelled in both of my programs, graduating at the top of my class.  I've wanted to be a nurse my entire life and only finally went to nursing school in my 40's. It was the culmination of life long dreams. And then, I started working and I am so disillusioned at this point. I have yet to find my "fit" and I'm wondering if I'm just too damned picky or naive.  

I was hired right out of nursing school into a level III NICU. I thought I was going to love it.  During orientation, 2 babies died and I did their post mortem care and it was just too much for me.  I felt sick going to work and dealing with grieving parents really broke me.  I realized quickly that I was not going to make it as a NICU nurse, so during orientation, I asked if I could transfer to any other units. My background prior to nursing school was in psych so I transferred to a psych unit and stayed for the next 10 months.  I actually liked that job, but I quit when covid hit because I felt our unit wasn't prepared or safe and I live with an immune-compromised spouse.  Several nurses on that unit have since gotten covid, so I wasn't exactly wrong there.  

Immediately after quitting psych, I was hired into an outpatient dialysis clinic.  I started there in May 2020. I like dialysis fine, and I like the schedule but I HATE my unit.  The head nurse is mean, mean, mean, and undermines me and talks about me (and everyone else) to the patients.  She will tell anyone and everyone that she hates her job and is only there to get health insurance until she retires. The techs run the show and do things unlicensed people probably shouldn't do, and the whole unit culture is just very back-stabby and toxic.  I'm too old for toxic. The manager is a very nice person who is just not able to reign in the bad actors. Several good nurses have quit because of this tight-knit toxic crew.  I've asked about transferring units and was given the option of only one clinic and it's the local covid clinic for dialysis patients.  I can't do that because of my husband.  

I was just today offered an agency job making WAY more money than I was in psych or dialysis (50% more).  I would be working contract in LTC facilitates for 4-12 week contracts and then I could pick up another contract, or take some time off or whatever.  I'd never have to work another holiday because I'd just not take a contract over the holidays.  The schedule is perfect for me, but I just don't know about working in LTC or how it might be different in LTC as an agency nurse vs FT staff.  And I've made the mistake of thinking every job I've taken was the "right fit", and it wasn't.  

All I know is I haven't loved any job. And maybe that's normal in nursing?  Maybe I'm expecting too much or think the grass will always be greener.  I am also concerned with quitting my current job to take the agency job because that will technically be my 4th job in a year and a half. I have excellent references because my managers like me and I'm a very hard worker...but still.  Maybe I get too tired of the crap in any nursing job so the contract thing might be perfect for me?  As soon as I'm tired of their crap I can take another contract with new people's crap. I don't know.  I'm disappointed...in nursing...in myself.  I want so badly to find my niche but instead I feel like I'm just floating in and out of jobs without connecting to any.  I can't keep trying new jobs, can I?  I'm 48 - I'm working because I want to and to save for retirement.  I'm not working to put food on the table right now.....this makes me much less willing to put up with nonsense or unit drama - but I'm also at risk of being a job hopper and I don't want to be that either.   I love the actual job of nursing - what I don't like is all the extraneous crap from management, hospital systems, etc...And that's everywhere.  I'm wondering if agency work will take me out of that? 

I'm venting. Nobody can fix me. I'm just wondering if anyone else has job hopped or whatever it is I'm doing and did you eventually find your place?  Or should I shut up, suck it up and stick it out somewhere?  

[amoLucia]

16 hours ago, Nurse Magnolia said:

I was offered the job by the agency and told that I would work day shift and I could specify no covid + patients in my contract.  Who knows if that's accurate.  

Oh, how I could just rip this apart! I really wish I could offer you some positive spin; maybe some 20 yrs ago...  The facility holds all the cards; they need you where they need you. I sincerely doubt, with all my heart, that they'd offer you such cherry-picked options. Your agency, not the facility, is trying to snooker you into a contract that just sounds impossibly too good to be true! Unless it were something iron-clad, in writing and signed by you, your agency AND the facility, I wouldn't hold my breath.

You get to the facility, they tell you the assignment and you balk ... you have a decision to make. You go home or take the assignment.

Your contract could be valid for some details, like day shift and NO weekends or holidays. But not much more. You can be assigned to a gen'l LTC unit as 1 nurse for a team of 30, yes, 30 or more pts. All yours to do everything I mentioned earlier.

And one other big detail, you realize that there would prob be NO type of orientation. Like they show you the med room, clean & dirty utility rooms and the correct keys. And here's the employee bathroom. They might sign you into the computer, but you'd be on your own. You're expected to know much of everything else - incl pumps.

I do like PP Kitiger's recommendation for private duty home care. Your selective options are much more possible. Get a good case and you'd be set for your needs.

Good luck.

[Nurse Magnolia, BSN, RN]

7 hours ago, amoLucia said:

Oh, how I could just rip this apart! I really wish I could offer you some positive spin; maybe some 20 yrs ago...  The facility holds all the cards; they need you where they need you. I sincerely doubt, with all my heart, that they'd offer you such cherry-picked options. Your agency, not the facility, is trying to snooker you into a contract that just sounds impossibly too good to be true! Unless it were something iron-clad, in writing and signed by you, your agency AND the facility, I wouldn't hold my breath.

You get to the facility, they tell you the assignment and you balk ... you have a decision to make. You go home or take the assignment.

Your contract could be valid for some details, like day shift and NO weekends or holidays. But not much more. You can be assigned to a gen'l LTC unit as 1 nurse for a team of 30, yes, 30 or more pts. All yours to do everything I mentioned earlier.

And one other big detail, you realize that there would prob be NO type of orientation. Like they show you the med room, clean & dirty utility rooms and the correct keys. And here's the employee bathroom. They might sign you into the computer, but you'd be on your own. You're expected to know much of everything else - incl pumps.

I do like PP Kitiger's recommendation for private duty home care. Your selective options are much more possible. Get a good case and you'd be set for your needs.

Good luck.

All excellent points that I did not consider before posting.  Everyone with more experience than me has told me this is a bad idea so I'm listening to them and running away.  I have no idea what I WILL do, but it won't be this agency job.  

[wendy allcock]

You are not alone, nursing has to be one of the most difficult "if not" hardest jobs to work in, please stop worrying that you have moved on when the role hasn't worked for you. Agency work has the advantage of "being able to stand off" the work politics which may be going on in various departments, also you can try out work areas before applying for a permanent post there. However, having been a nurse myself since 1983 the profession seems to have become monopolised by bullies who present attitudes of "one up manship" and attitudes of undermining colleagues. I pray that you find your niche........................... 

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

In my humble opinion you have not worked anywhere long enough to know if it is a right fit. You need to settle in for 1 to 2 years and get to know a position as well as gain the necessary experience to be able to move on with confidence when you are ready. 

Oh and for now quit trying to find your dream job! It this economy a job is a job and nursing is just that. While I do love and am good at what I do (Psych) at the end of the day it's a paycheck, nothing more. Now If I could have my dream job I would be ranching in  Montana or Wyoming on a horse every day!

Hppy

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

" I'm working because I want to and to save for retirement.  I'm not working to put food on the table right now."

Assess your priorities. You have an immune suppressed spouse, during a pandemic. Is  saving for the "future" worth risking your lives? No way would I be out there, if I didn't have to.

A part time private duty job would keep you current.

Best wishes.

[amoLucia]

On 10/24/2020 at 3:22 PM, amoLucia said:

 ...You get to the facility, they tell you the assignment and you balk ... you have a decision to make. You go home or take the assignment.

I spoke the gospel truth for this episode which TRULY happened to me. Sadly, my agency made promises to me, but that facility had specific needs. Needless to say, my agency days were soon to end.

You're lucky to have that wiggle room to make some choices. You just haven't found the right niche yet. Other PPs have suggested PD, and for you, this really sounds good to me. The pace will be tolerable and you do have a say into which pts you'll cover. And a chance to experience a wide variety of nsg care. 

[myoglobin, ASN, BSN, MSN]

Travel nursing might be another option in the sense that the pay can be good (especially in California) and you get to see new places. Also, like agency nursing you minimize involvement in "politics" at the job, but you are there long enough to learn the routines (unlike local agency which can be a different location almost every day). 

[amoLucia]

myoglobin - my guess is that OP isn't interested in working too far from her home nest. Her spouse is there and I doubt she'd want to be going somewhere new alone. Maybe under better circumstances ...

My sister 'travelled' and she did like it, esp for the opp'ty to try new areas of nsg care.

[Nurse Magnolia, BSN, RN]

2 hours ago, Been there,done that said:

" I'm working because I want to and to save for retirement.  I'm not working to put food on the table right now."

Assess your priorities. You have an immune suppressed spouse, during a pandemic. Is  saving for the "future" worth risking your lives? No way would I be out there, if I didn't have to.

A part time private duty job would keep you current.

Best wishes.

I've thought of this as well.  I feel like a selfish person if I don't work....all this "healthcare heroes" stuff and I'm considering not working because of covid.  Makes me feel like a loser.  
 

Explain private duty nursing.  Do you mean like Home Health through a company?  Or like where one person hires a nurse to help out at their home?  I'm not familiar with private duty nursing or how I would go about finding a job like that.    

3 hours ago, hppygr8ful said:

In my humble opinion you have not worked anywhere long enough to know if it is a right fit. You need to settle in for 1 to 2 years and get to know a position as well as gain the necessary experience to be able to move on with confidence when you are ready. 

Oh and for now quit trying to find your dream job! It this economy a job is a job and nursing is just that. While I do love and am good at what I do (Psych) at the end of the day it's a paycheck, nothing more. Now If I could have my dream job I would be ranching and spread in  Montana or Wyoming on a horse every day!

Hppy

Agreed.  I haven't been anywhere long enough due to different circumstances.  I am always thinking the grass is greener and also that there is a "perfect" job out there for me.  I am realizing I'm full of crap LOL.  

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

Agreed.  I haven't been anywhere long enough due to different circumstances.  I am always thinking the grass is greener and also that there is a "perfect" job out there for me.  I am realizing I'm full of crap LOL.  

27 minutes ago, Nurse Magnolia said:

 

I'm not saying you won't find the job that makes you happy. You just have to give yourself time to settle into a position and get good at it.  

Are you familiar with Michael Phelps. At one time he was considered the fastest swimmer in the world. The first thing he said when his father through him in a pool. "Get me out of here!" still he learned to perservere and became more than good at swimming. 

Hppy

 

[Been there,done that, ASN, RN]

1 hour ago, Nurse Magnolia said:

I've thought of this as well.  I feel like a selfish person if I don't work....all this "healthcare heroes" stuff and I'm considering not working because of covid.  Makes me feel like a loser.  
 

Explain private duty nursing.  Do you mean like Home Health through a company?  Or like where one person hires a nurse to help out at their home?  I'm not familiar with private duty nursing or how I would go about finding a job like that.    

Agreed.  I haven't been anywhere long enough due to different circumstances.  I am always thinking the grass is greener and also that there is a "perfect" job out there for me.  I am realizing I'm full of crap LOL.  

We all have  our individual moral and ethical ideals regarding providing care .. in these crazy times. Yours is even more complicated with your spouse being immunosuppressed.

Check out the Home Health Forum and Private Duty Forum here on AN. They will explain the difference to you.  To me, private duty would be the safest environment . I would not go into many different homes to provide care.. that home health requires.

 

[turtlesRcool]

I understand your concern about COVID.  I will also say that I think working on a designated COVID unit with the accompanying precautions may be safer than working on a "clean" unit with less robust PPE.  When we had our surge last Spring, I think more nurses got COVID on the non-COVID units because undetected cases snuck through.  Maybe look into what PPE and precautions are available at the COVID dialysis unit.  It might be less risky than you think.