I graduated in May 2019 from a diploma program and have since also gotten my BSN. I LOVED nursing school and I excelled in both of my programs, graduating at the top of my class. I've wanted to be a nurse my entire life and only finally went to nursing school in my 40's. It was the culmination of life long dreams. And then, I started working and I am so disillusioned at this point. I have yet to find my "fit" and I'm wondering if I'm just too damned picky or naive.
I was hired right out of nursing school into a level III NICU. I thought I was going to love it. During orientation, 2 babies died and I did their post mortem care and it was just too much for me. I felt sick going to work and dealing with grieving parents really broke me. I realized quickly that I was not going to make it as a NICU nurse, so during orientation, I asked if I could transfer to any other units. My background prior to nursing school was in psych so I transferred to a psych unit and stayed for the next 10 months. I actually liked that job, but I quit when covid hit because I felt our unit wasn't prepared or safe and I live with an immune-compromised spouse. Several nurses on that unit have since gotten covid, so I wasn't exactly wrong there.
Immediately after quitting psych, I was hired into an outpatient dialysis clinic. I started there in May 2020. I like dialysis fine, and I like the schedule but I HATE my unit. The head nurse is mean, mean, mean, and undermines me and talks about me (and everyone else) to the patients. She will tell anyone and everyone that she hates her job and is only there to get health insurance until she retires. The techs run the show and do things unlicensed people probably shouldn't do, and the whole unit culture is just very back-stabby and toxic. I'm too old for toxic. The manager is a very nice person who is just not able to reign in the bad actors. Several good nurses have quit because of this tight-knit toxic crew. I've asked about transferring units and was given the option of only one clinic and it's the local covid clinic for dialysis patients. I can't do that because of my husband.
I was just today offered an agency job making WAY more money than I was in psych or dialysis (50% more). I would be working contract in LTC facilitates for 4-12 week contracts and then I could pick up another contract, or take some time off or whatever. I'd never have to work another holiday because I'd just not take a contract over the holidays. The schedule is perfect for me, but I just don't know about working in LTC or how it might be different in LTC as an agency nurse vs FT staff. And I've made the mistake of thinking every job I've taken was the "right fit", and it wasn't.
All I know is I haven't loved any job. And maybe that's normal in nursing? Maybe I'm expecting too much or think the grass will always be greener. I am also concerned with quitting my current job to take the agency job because that will technically be my 4th job in a year and a half. I have excellent references because my managers like me and I'm a very hard worker...but still. Maybe I get too tired of the crap in any nursing job so the contract thing might be perfect for me? As soon as I'm tired of their crap I can take another contract with new people's crap. I don't know. I'm disappointed...in nursing...in myself. I want so badly to find my niche but instead I feel like I'm just floating in and out of jobs without connecting to any. I can't keep trying new jobs, can I? I'm 48 - I'm working because I want to and to save for retirement. I'm not working to put food on the table right now.....this makes me much less willing to put up with nonsense or unit drama - but I'm also at risk of being a job hopper and I don't want to be that either. I love the actual job of nursing - what I don't like is all the extraneous crap from management, hospital systems, etc...And that's everywhere. I'm wondering if agency work will take me out of that?
I'm venting. Nobody can fix me. I'm just wondering if anyone else has job hopped or whatever it is I'm doing and did you eventually find your place? Or should I shut up, suck it up and stick it out somewhere?
LTC is one of the hardest nursing jobs around. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Dying babies has to be hard for anyone. If you liked NICU, maybe a lower acuity center. You liked psych, Covid threw a wrench in it. Find another psych job. You like dialysis, find a better environment or do in-patient dialysis.
LTC is one of the hardest nursing jobs around. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Dying babies has to be hard for anyone. If you liked NICU, maybe a lower acuity center. You liked psych, Covid threw a wrench in it. Find another psych job. You like dialysis, find a better environment or do in-patient dialysis.
Agreed! Nothing is wrong with YOU.
Lots of people can't emotionally handle NICU or other specialties. It's not a sign that you're a bad nurse; it's a sign that you're a compassionate person, and there's no shame in that. I float to oncology sometimes, but I can only do it for a few days at a time because it's too emotionally draining for me. Hats of to the nurses who can manage it day in and day out.
If we weren't in a deadly pandemic, you would be happily employed in psych, so we know you're a good nurse. But you live with an immunocompromised person. You don't have to sacrifice yourself or your family on the alter of selflessness. On the contrary, I think it could even be seen as selfish for you to seek out the opportunity to be a "hero" at the expense of an immunocrompromised spouse. Over the last several months, I've seen lots of posts from people thinking of leaving nursing because of the risks to their own health or their families. No shame - none - in protecting yourself and family. Nurses are people, too. We deserve good health as much as the general public does.
Eh, I think you just have more options, in your mind, because like you said you are not doing this to put food on the table. Those that are probably are more likely to suck it up in any situation and perhaps become miserable human beings in the long term.
Important to find your niche. Important to persevere. Also important to really look at yourself, what you like, and if nursing....no matter what grass you happen to be on right now.......is right for you. That's where I'm at. ?
With an immunosuppressed person in the home, have you considered remote work for an insurance company? There are several roles for nurses, and telephonic case/disease management or utilization management are possible options. You would have to be willing to deal with Big Brother in the work computer, and ever-changing metrics in an ever-changing industry which can be very hard to deal with, but you would not have Covid contacts at all and you can usually make quite a bit more than you would at the bedside/chairside, and usually be able to take pto when you need to. Just a thought. I did it for 15 years. It definitely has its ups and downs, but it gave me a much more normal existence with family in the picture.
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
On 10/24/2020 at 8:16 PM, Nurse Magnolia said:
All excellent points that I did not consider before posting. Everyone with more experience than me has told me this is a bad idea so I'm listening to them and running away. I have no idea what I WILL do, but it won't be this agency job.
Very wise choice!
PS there is NOTHING wrong with you. Now, do you believe all of us who say this?
Specializes in Specializes in L/D, newborn, GYN, LTC, Dialysis.
On 10/26/2020 at 9:03 AM, turtlesRcool said:
I understand your concern about COVID. I will also say that I think working on a designated COVID unit with the accompanying precautions may be safer than working on a "clean" unit with less robust PPE. When we had our surge last Spring, I think more nurses got COVID on the non-COVID units because undetected cases snuck through. Maybe look into what PPE and precautions are available at the COVID dialysis unit. It might be less risky than you think.
This is oh so true. I have worked both in COVID and non COVID clinics and at least when you are in a COVID clinic/unit you know what you're dealing with and PPE is much better. Other units, I have found out after the fact a patient I was taking care of was COVID positive. (Or TB positive for that matter). And all I had was a paper mask and gown. So I have been exposed a lot of times without what would be adequate PPE, caring for as-yet unknown COVID positive patients.
In the COVID clinic I had an N95 mask and much more protective PPE from jump.
Something worth considering, again, which is why I quoted this post.
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Chickenlady
144 Posts
LTC is one of the hardest nursing jobs around. I don't think there is anything wrong with you. Dying babies has to be hard for anyone. If you liked NICU, maybe a lower acuity center. You liked psych, Covid threw a wrench in it. Find another psych job. You like dialysis, find a better environment or do in-patient dialysis.