What not to say to patients

Nurses Relations

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After my recent (and current) status of being a patient, I've come to realize some things well meaning people say to the suffering. My problem was a serious, but not life threatening accident and surgical repair, but I'll bet this applies to other problems.

1) Do not say "It could have been so much worse!"

Yes, I realize that, duh. All I've done that past 3 months is relive that accident in its gory detail (PTSD anyone?) It's no comfort to me to have you point that out, in fact it feels dismissive of the very real suffering I'm experiencing.

2) Don't start telling me about your terrible sprained ankle if I'm in a full body cast!

I don't want to hear about your bronchitis that won't go away if I'm in the hospital for pneumonia. In my case, I AM interested in people's past experiences with rehabing from serious injuries, those are encouraging and inspiring. But spare me the details of your painful hangnail.

3) Don't discourage me from taking my prescribed pain meds.

Not helpful, don't make me feel guilty, I'm not a drug seeker, ok?

4) Do not tease me about my accident and resulting disability.

I know we have friendly teasing sometimes, but this is off limits.

5) If you offer to help, follow through.

So, you said "If there's anything I can do to help, let me know!" then the first time I ask you ignore my text? That is annoying.

Specializes in Oncology; medical specialty website.

As a cancer patient, I have mixed feelings about being told I'm brave. I know the person saying it means well, but I feel like it denies me the opportunity to talk about how freaking scared I am. (FYI, I don't have BC, not that it really matters.)

What really doesn't help is having people avoid me because they can't "deal with" my illness, or even worse, the one in particular who cried and cried...I wound up having to comfort her.

Emergent, I hope you are on the road to recovery from your accident and will have no lasting effects from it.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
As a cancer patient, I have mixed feelings about being told I'm brave. I know the person saying it means well, but I feel like it denies me the opportunity to talk about how freaking scared I am. (FYI, I don't have BC, not that it really matters.)

What really doesn't help is having people avoid me because they can't "deal with" my illness, or even worse, the one in particular who cried and cried...I wound up having to comfort her.

Emergent, I hope you are on the road to recovery from your accident and will have no lasting effects from it.

I learned that one of the most difficult things about having cancer (or a major accident, I'm sure) is telling others about it and then feeling as though I have to make THEM feel better about this horrible thing that happened to ME.

And you're right, there are always people who will avoid you because they "can't deal with" your situation. That's absolutely NOT helpful.

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Specializes in Med nurse in med-surg., float, HH, and PDN.
I'm the same way. When I am sick, injured or just in a funk, I just want to be left alone for the most part. Anytime a guest is in my home, even if it's a close family member, I feel like I have to be "on" and engage in conversation, provide entertainment, etc. I know my close family doesn't expect this of me, but I still can't help feeling obligated.

I often wish I felt more appreciative of the help from others who have only good intentions, as there are times I know I would benefit from it. Also, it makes family and friends feel good to be able to help out.

Had to laugh; this is me, too. My own mother knew, when I had bronchitis, to pick up my med from the drugstore, along with g'ale, soup and crackers....she'd come to my apt. and knock, open up the door , set the bag on the table, and call out "Your stuff is here; need anything else?" and then she'd leave. :yes:

OP -- Sorry for mentioning my bronchitis I know it's not comparable to your experience; it's just that I, too, am a "Leave-Me-Alone" type person. Though I did so appreciate, when I broke my ankle in 4 places, the friend who drove me to the doc and took my dog out for a walk and a drive. :D

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I'd like to add to your list:

Don't get mad at me, because I didn't tell you about my injury/illness until after I was released from the hospital. I know you are really just worried, but this isn't about you. I'm the one who was injured/ill, and I was just thinking about what I needed to do to get better.

This part of your post reminded me about something that hurts to this very day: when I was much younger, I was having a major surgery and the surgeon that would be doing the surgery (a surgeon that I was blessedly fortunate to GET) was associated with a hospital a little over an hour from my home. I was in the hospital for several days, and was pretty much zoning in and out during the first two on pain and nausea meds--very rough first couple of days. I would wake up and see my hubby there at my bedside, work propped on his lap, and he would chat with me until I conked out again. Sometimes I would wake and see visitors talking with my husband; it was comforting to know just that they had come, and then I'd pass out again (usually after another dose of something as I was always uncomfortable/in pain). I was told on day 3 by one of the nurses that a close relative of mine (close in theory, anyway, rather than practice) had been calling several times, asking many questions and each time was told told "we are not authorized to tell you anything, HIPAA etc etc". The nurse then asked me to PLEASE call her and tell her how I am, so she'd stop calling them. Ok, will do that.

So I called....and proceeded to get snarked at for making HER worry, for causing HER stress, for not responding quickly to her calls....yessir, it was all about HER. I said that I had only just been told that she had been calling because I was SO SICK I couldn't have done anything about it anyway.

And when I asked why had she not come to visit, to see for herself how I was doing, like so many others had? (didn't matter to the others that I was out of it, they still came to support my husband, ask about me, etc). Well, it was because I "put myself in a hospital out of the area, too far to visit". Seriously? For her it was LESS than a 1.5 hour drive. Not Nigeria. And I didn't "put myself" purposely further than she would have liked (the hospital closest to her was a half hour drive FOR HER, but NOT appropriate for this surgery, or this surgeon). Again....this was all about her. Having an additional hour to drive was just too INCONVENIENT for her....and so it was my fault that she hadn't visited. And apparently my fault that I hadn't responded to HER "need" to know my status.

Let's just say that things have never been the same between us since.

I guess, based on the rant I just made, that I am hyper-sensitive at this point to anyone telling me how important it is how THEY feel about MY illness or injury!

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RNsRWe,

I'm a VERY private person. I'm also single. I HATE telling anyone my private medical information. If I could get away with it I wouldn't tell anyone ever that I was in the hospital or had surgery. Heck, if I didn't absolutely have to I wouldn't even discuss my medical info with physicians or nurses. :***:

It has also been my experience that even with the HIPAA laws that some nurses and physicians assume that they can discuss your medical information with immediate family. Even after I've told them they are not to discuss anything with anyone but me, they will. Even at a hospital where someone is supposed to provide a "code" to staff to get any information, they have revealed information.

A couple of years ago, I was admitted through ER, had surgery, and spent 5 days in the hospital. To insure that no one discussed anything about me with anyone but me, I told no one I was in the hospital. Unfortunately the hospital wouldn't release me without a responsible person to pick me up. I had to ask my sister. She was angry with me for probably 6 months, because I hadn't told anyone I was so sick. I know that she was really just frightened about how sick I had been and upset that she hadn't been there for me. She's my older sister and has always been a like a mother bear when it came to protecting her little sister even though we are only 11 months apart in age!

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RNsRWe,

I'm a VERY private person. I'm also single. I HATE telling anyone my private medical information. If I could get away with it I wouldn't tell anyone ever that I was in the hospital or had surgery. Heck, if I didn't absolutely have to I wouldn't even discuss my medical info with physicians or nurses. :***:

It has also been my experience that even with the HIPAA laws that some nurses and physicians assume that they can discuss your medical information with immediate family. Even after I've told them they are not to discuss anything with anyone but me, they will. Even at a hospital where someone is supposed to provide a "code" to staff to get any information, they have revealed information.

A couple of years ago, I was admitted through ER, had surgery, and spent 5 days in the hospital. To insure that no one discussed anything about me with anyone but me, I told no one I was in the hospital. Unfortunately the hospital wouldn't release me without a responsible person to pick me up. I had to ask my sister. She was angry with me for probably 6 months, because I hadn't told anyone I was so sick. I know that she was really just frightened about how sick I had been and upset that she hadn't been there for me. She's my older sister and has always been a like a mother bear when it came to protecting her little sister even though we are only 11 months apart in age!

You know this isn't a very normal situation/attitude to have right?

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You know this isn't a very normal situation/attitude to have right?

I'm guessing that since she isn't an idiot.....she knows ;)

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Specializes in Med/Surg, Academics.
I learned that one of the most difficult things about having cancer (or a major accident, I'm sure) is telling others about it and then feeling as though I have to make THEM feel better about this horrible thing that happened to ME.

And you're right, there are always people who will avoid you because they "can't deal with" your situation. That's absolutely NOT helpful.

A couple people said the same thing you wrote, but you said it more succinctly, so I'm just using your quote to respond to the ideas.

When I was diagnosed and going through treatment, I was touched by my close friends' reaction, and I didn't mind having to comfort them. The key here was that they were close to me. I found it extremely odd for a few acquaintances to be so affected, and I didn't know how to react.

My neighbor, though, was the absolute worst. She has necessarily been aware of a few traumas in my family's life, and her reaction is that she can't deal with it. Then, why the hell are you coming over here to tell me you can't deal with it?! When my kid was seriously injured in an accident long ago, she couldn't deal with being around him because of his neuro deficits (that have since resolved, thank goodness). Ok, so as I'm walking her to the door, she then starts going on and on about her son being hit by a car when he was 9 (and the son was then in his 40s) and how hard it was for her and her family and the months of PT and the doctors' grim prognosis that was wrong...all while tears were running down her face as if it had just happened. She represented all the worst possible reactions to someone else going through a trauma. Including another that someone mentioned about being offended that she wasn't informed if anything bad happens. She was upset that day, too, because we hadn't told her soon enough. Good lord!

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You know this isn't a very normal situation/attitude to have right?

I'm aware that it isn't the typical attitude of people in the American society today.

I would disagree with describing it as not a "normal" attitude. It is just as valid a value system to have as the value system of someone who posts everything on facebook for the world to read.

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I thought this was going to be a thread on what nurses shouldn't say to their patients. Absolute number one on my list is, "Don't worry." We shouldn't ever say that because it tells the patient (who is probably worrying plenty) that his feeling aren't acceptable, and he will clam up about them and probably a lot of other things you (and other nurses) need to hear about.

As to the real subject: The nicest thing anybody ever did for me was when I was recovering from meningitis, flat on my back on the couch with residual exhaustion and headache, and I heard this loud noise outside. My neighbor had come over with his Toro and mowed my lawn, unasked. I damn near cried.

Least helpful thing: I am in my own hospital, having come in to work in the morning NPO and bringing my pillow, hairbrush, and toothbrush, knowing I am going to have to call my OB/GYN to put me in his block time for a hyst, because of the symptoms necessitating same flaring overnight. I have done that, and am in the preop area in a johnny waiting for anesthesia. I have been crying in the bathroom from pain and general p***ed-off helplessness, and come out and get back in the bed. My nurse comes and says brightly how good I look with my cheeks so rosy. I just lost it and snapped, "That's because I have been crying my eyes out. Thanks for noticing." I saw her flinch, I knew she was just trying to be nice, but I just didn't have it in me at that point to apologize. Because I was in management I'm sure that flew around the hospital on wings.

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I have had the experience of being in the hospital, may not survive, and a family member being mad (many years later) and bringing up how selfish it was of my husband not to call them so they could support him and how bad it made them feel. Hubby wanted to be alone. I was unconscious at the time and in the operating room so it didn't matter to me. I feel that it was about my hubby at that point, but this part of the family made it all about them.

My son was in the hospital, we weren't sure if he would make it (separate incident) had some friends show up and I ended up comforting them because they were so upset. Another relative got upset because the day they were extubating my son we were told that hubby and I should be there so that relative needed to stay with my other child instead of being at the hospital. Son is perfectly fine now.

I remind myself that people want to be there for you, but it's hard when you are in an emotional pressure cooker and people are adding to it.

With my sons incident noted above there were some very strong judgements of me as a mother, blaming me for his condition, and people called me to let me know what others were saying about me behind my back. Some were saying horrible things. They were well meaning, but seriously at that moment when my son may die, I was blaming myself enough and really didn't need to know what others were saying about me!

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Specializes in Hospice, Palliative Care.

Good day:

We were provided the attached file (hopefully I attached it correctly) in clinicals in terms of how to use therapeutic communication techniques to talk with patients.

Thank you.

Therapeutic Communication Techniques.pdf

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