We need some fun here...who would u tazer?

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I was watching the news last night and the police chief in Chattagnooga decided to tazer himself with 50,000 volts just to see how it felt. That's just too much dedication to the job! But, it made me think...I'd tazer a few people for fun...

I WANT TO TAZER:

My clinical partner-worthless

My advisor-she won't let me take a class I want!

What about you? Who are you chasin with the tazer??

Specializes in Public Health, DEI.
I would get the Natural Male enhancement guy have you seen these?

Oh yeah, I gets ad for them in my email all the time. Grrrr. Why would I need to take a pill for "that certain part of my anatomy" (there are so many more colorful euphemysms they could use!) when I'm a girl? Tazer away!

THATS IT, THANKS

Here it is:

Dear Friends, don't put one of these on your gift list for your wife or she may use it on you.

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no way!" "No way!" Trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the fun it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaaNG! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right

thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

:roll :roll :roll

Specializes in LTC.

When I first read that, I laughed until there were tears running down my face. I made sure to save it in one box or another, and now it is here for posterity forever!!! :)

When I first read that, I laughed until there were tears running down my face. I made sure to save it in one box or another, and now it is here for posterity forever!!! :)

I thought I had saved it as well and now I have and I also started it circulating again so lets see if it makes the full circle.

Oh yeah, I gets ad for them in my email all the time. Grrrr. Why would I need to take a pill for "that certain part of my anatomy" (there are so many more colorful euphemysms they could use!) when I'm a girl? Tazer away!

Have you seen the TV spots there is one with "Bob" Bob used to feel timid in crowds and was always the last to join in for parties, but now with all natural male enhancement Bob has new vigor and he has a happy mate back at the clubhouse.

All this time Bob is making his way to the diving board and there is a party going on around him he does a beautiful dive off the board and then as he is climbing the ladder out of the pool they show his trunks floating in the water, and they show all the women ooohing and awwing and his his wife has a sly little grin on her face.

When my husband stopped using Copenhagen years back I WANTED TO TAZER HIM. What a grouch! :uhoh3:

He stopped for 6 years and just recently started up again. It seems so dumb to have stopped for all that time and start again and sometimes I feel like giving him a good shock. My dad too . .. had bypass surgery and stopped smoking for 4 months and then started again.

I don't get it.

steph

I have a friend whose husband had oral cancer last year. They removed the front half of his tounge. I am not sure which form of oral tobacco he used, but I would encourage you to get your husband to stop.

I have a friend whose husband had oral cancer last year. They removed the front half of his tounge. I am not sure which form of oral tobacco he used, but I would encourage you to get your husband to stop.

If they get throat cancer/lymph involvement it is HORRIBLE they remove the entire lower jaw and the lymph nodes. Not saying this will happen but if you can find pics and show them that this is a possibility I am quite sure they will rethink their options

Specializes in Geriatrics, Med-Surg.

1. Instructors who seem to have forgotten what "Dead Week" is for....no new material!

2. George W. Bush and the entire scary neoconservative committee

3. The class wacko

After much thought I have determined I really want to tazer all the mean people. Meanies suck. The ones that come to work with an attitude. Like the doctor I work so closely with. LEAVE THAT ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR or I will curl your hair with my tazer, :lol2: :roll :roll :roll

I'd tazer 3/4 of my class. The bimbos and/or dimwit and/or late-comers and/or big mouths and/or know-it-all.

(For more detail, look at the "wacko" thread.)

Specializes in Home care, assisted living.
After much thought I have determined I really want to tazer all the mean people. Meanies suck. The ones that come to work with an attitude. Like the doctor I work so closely with. LEAVE THAT ATTITUDE AT THE DOOR or I will curl your hair with my tazer, :lol2: :roll :roll :roll

Good idea! I'll just carry a tazer with me to work and give the maintenance director a good ZAP when he gets cranky. (Just kidding.) :p

Nah, next time he throws one of his tantrums I'll just ask him if he was eating Grumpy Flakes for breakfast that morning.

I would like to tazer

  1. Any abuser
  2. The other shifts that didn't record BMs for a week, (and all of the diarrhea ended up on my shift--and all over me.)
  3. The person who messed up all the papers I had in the printer. (out of order, turned upside down and backwards, mixed up with a baby names printout.)
  4. Any lazy worthless co-worker
  5. Any co-worker who doesn't believe in teamwork.

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