Was my professor out of line?

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My professor told me some things during a discussion that has really bothered me and I just wanted to get others' opinions on this. I had a meeting with her because I was struggling in class. She asked me what my priorities are and I said #1 is my husband and kids and #2 is nursing school. She was not happy with my answer and said I need to move nursing up on my priority list, meaning nursing school should come first and not my family. I have 2 young kids and they and my husband will always be number one no matter what, and I told her that. She seemed displeased with my answer and said school will only be 2 years of my life. Anyways, ever since I went against what she thought my priorities should be, she has treated me differently. Should I be putting nursing ahead of my family? Nursing is a very high priority to me, but nothing is more important than being there for my family. I don't know if she started treating me differently because she thinks I don't care or the fact that I did not budge on something I feel very strongly about.

Another thing that has been bothering me. I had a discussion with her about how I was having difficulty balancing my family life with nursing and that I felt guilty about not spending as much time with my kids. After I said that she asked if I was Catholic. I said no, why do you ask. She said she asked that because I seem to carry around a lot guilt. I was really shocked by this. I don't understand why she would ask me about my religion in the first place and how does it have anything to do with being Catholic?! Am I looking at this wrong or were her remarks inappropriate?

Specializes in Neuro/ ENT.
Which is exactly why she had a meeting with you…and then you turn around and call her inappropriate! Yes, the Catholic comment was minority inappropriate, but she was trying to help you and trying to get you to succeed--yet time and time again, you have tried to argued that she is a horrible person for suggesting that you put school first.

While instructor may care about each student (most do), if you don't meet the passing standard, they will fail you. No questions ask. You may not like the phrase "bat of an eyelash," but if do not have a passing grade or you do not have satisfactory attendance/performance in clinicals, an instructor will fail you; and, there will be no discussion of priorities, there will be no discussion of how much effort you put forth, no discussion of what a great, caring person you are. It may sound harsh, but that is how it is.

I don't recall the OP ever saying the instructor was a "horrible person". She felt the instructor was out of line. We all get out of line from time to time... that doesn't make us horrible people (although, maybe we are, but that isn't just because we may be out of line from time to time).

When an instructor voices his/her opinion on where a student's priorities should lie, sure, they are probably trying to help. But to treat the student poorly because this is not something the student can possibly agree with is out of line. To say that this is the only way she could improve test scores is ridiculous. Maybe the instructor would have better served her student by asking her how she studies (this is HUGE), or a dozen other things that could have a huge impact on test scores.

It really sounds like the instructor has her mind made up that there is one way and one way only for a student to succeed, which is surprisingly closed-minded.

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Specializes in Neuro/ ENT.
You will not get anywhere in life with blatant, radical honesty. Not only is it socially inept, but people cannot handle the truth, and the most insecure persons will hold you in contempt for it.

Some of our patients end up in that hospital bed due to poor choices in life, but I guarantee you will not have a job for very long if you engage in radical honesty. "You need to stop smoking three packs of ciggies per day if you want to stop ending up here for COPD exacerbation every three months, Mr. Jones. And by the way, we need to give you a shower because you smell like an ashtray."

Go ahead and try radical honesty with your professors, classmates, coworkers, patients and their family members. See where it gets you.

I hardly think answering your instructor when she asks where your personal priorities lie is comparable to how you talk to your patients. It's not a fair comparison by any measurement. The idea that we should not be honest about our personal priorities when asked or our personal beliefs when asked just because others may not like it or because it is socially inept is pretty backward. First, who cares how uncomfortable it makes people? Second, where would the world be today if that were everyone's attitude? We would not have civil rights, women wouldn't have the vote and women would still only make up 20% of the work force rather than 48%. Of course, all these things did take much longer to accomplish than they really should have because a number of people thought they shoudln't speak up and be honest.

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Specializes in Neuro/ ENT.

I think what I am observing in a lot of these posts is the idea that if something is first priority then anything after that has no priority, and this maybe from both sides. This may be causing a lot of the disagreeance.

My priorities go like this: 1)God, 2)Husband 3)Children 4)School (and then the rest all kind of blend together).

That being said, this does not mean all my time is spent praying and reading my bible and such. What is the point of even having a number 2, 3 or 4 if my top priority is my only priority anyway? Nothing in my top 4 priorities gets neglected. The point of the list is this: if a serious situation arises where I have to choose between a major exam or my daughter in the hospital with cancer, the test has no weight on my mind whatsoever, because my kids are priority. Period. I will have no guilt with this at all.

However, my husband and I have frequent talks about school and the kids and our marriage. He helps me maintain a healthy balance. He relieves any guilt I may feel for missing two of my oldest daughter's 6 track meets (but oh man when I am there, EVERYONE knows I'm there, lol :) ). He also helps me figure out if I have slipped into too much time in studies or not enough. In addition, we have family meetings where we talk to the kids about how they feel about school. I also have individual talks with my kids, about their lives and school. I do all these things because they are higher on my priority list. I need to tend to them.

When things get tough (as they do from time to time. I maintain the goal for straight A's even with school as priority #4), I reevaluate ALL my priorities,a dn can usually find something lower on my list that I can take out to make more room for school. My girlfriend's babyshower, I will have to miss it. And she understands. My cousin's graduation party? Sorry, I have finals to study for. During school semesters I rarely make it to any gatherings with my girlfriends. I miss half my extended family's game nights. I don't "go out". If I do, it is very rare and it is with my husband.

School is #4 on my list. That will never change, and if an instructor asked me this same question as you, OP, I would be just as honest. But maybe I would also add some of this other stuff. School being priority #4 does not mean I would neglect school UNLESS extreme circumstances arose in the top 3.

In the end, OP, I am impressed with your strength to not bend under pressure. I think you can find other ways to improve school performance that do not include having to put school above your family. I wish you the best luck.

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In the end, OP, I am impressed with your strength to not bend under pressure. I think you can find other ways to improve school performance that do not include having to put school above your family.

Feel free to share some of those "other ways" that OP can improve school performance since that is undoubtedly more important than the "Catholic guilt" comment or priority rank.

To bend like a reed in the wind – that is real strength.” ~ Tao Te Ching

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Specializes in Neuro/ ENT.
Feel free to share some of those "other ways" that OP can improve school performance since that is undoubtedly more important than the "Catholic guilt" comment or priority rank.

To bend like a reed in the wind – that is real strength.” ~ Tao Te Ching

That is an excellent quote. It explains that to bend, yet not ever break, is strength. I would interpret bending to be exactly what I mentioned doing. I would say breaking would be to lie about my personal beliefs in order to appease my instructor's opinions.

As for things, other than changing priorities, to improve performance, I believe I already mentioned a few examples. The ways to help improve are numerous, as well as different in different circumstances. The key is being creative with one's own situation.

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Specializes in ER, Psych.

No, I believe its called life. The instructor is holding your future in their hands. You will come across people who do not have the same values and beliefs many times in your life. You don't always have to argue your own.....you can just say what they want to hear any move on. Its ok, arguing with the instructor about it wont get you anywhere.

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That is an excellent quote. It explains that to bend, yet not ever break, is strength. I would interpret bending to be exactly what I mentioned doing. I would say breaking would be to lie about my personal beliefs in order to appease my instructor's opinions.

As for things, other than changing priorities, to improve performance, I believe I already mentioned a few examples. The ways to help improve are numerous, as well as different in different circumstances. The key is being creative with one's own situation.

Bending like a reed means to be able to be flexible and adapt to whatever challenges and situations arise. If my instructor asked me what my priorities are, I would reply that 'graduating this nursing program with honors is my goal.' There would be no reason to list every personal priority. Focus on situation at hand.

As was stated earlier, one can be diplomatic, logical and also realize that the instructor isn't all that interested in my family, so there is no reason to mention family as a priority. That said, if someone is using their family obligations as an excuse for why they are doing poorly in school, I guess you have to say what you need to say. It's always easier to say that "I had family obligations," rather than admit fault,"I didn't study hard enough, wasn't focused and will do better next."

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Specializes in Neuro/ ENT.
Bending like a reed means to be able to be flexible and adapt to whatever challenges and situations arise. If my instructor asked me what my priorities are, I would reply that 'graduating this nursing program with honors is my goal.' There would be no reason to list every personal priority. Focus on situation at hand.

As was stated earlier, one can be diplomatic, logical and also realize that the instructor isn't all that interested in my family, so there is no reason to mention family as a priority. That said, if someone is using their family obligations as an excuse for why they are doing poorly in school, I guess you have to say what you need to say. It's always easier to say that "I had family obligations," rather than admit fault,"I didn't study hard enough, wasn't focused and will do better next."

I feel like with this comment, we are essentially saying the same thing. However, hindsight it 20/20. It may have been more helpful to say "my goal is..." when the instructor asked what her priorities were, rather than going into what her actual priorities were. But life isn't scripted. We can't go back and read over our responses and think "you know, maybe I can just avoid this whole discussion by using the word goal rather than priority", and then edit the response accordingly. On the spot, the student responded to a question about her priorities by reflex: to be honest. I think this is an honorable reflex.

With more communication experience, and more constructive advice like that which you just offered on communication techniques, this student will probably be able to avoid such conflicts in the future.

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On the spot, the student responded to a question about her priorities by reflex: to be honest. I think this is an honorable reflex.

We can agree to disagree on that bit because I don't think it's "honorable" at all to essentially blame your family for your failings.

Had the comment been made in a different context, sure, family first, but using family as an explanation as to why your grades aren't up to snuff sounds a bit ignoble. You might as well add that the dog ate your homework.

As long as all of the kiddos are healthy and snug in bed or otherwise occupied, there's no reason to let your grades suffer from inattention. Hubby is a grown man and should be mature enough to do his own thing while you study, as often as necessary.

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kimmyanne02,

I will be the first to admit that I have not yet started nursing school, so you can feel that I have no idea what I am talking about if you wish. However, that being said, I do have more credits than any one degree requires, and I have been at this education game for several years now.

It is a game. Every program is a game. Either play the game, or accept that you may be spinning your wheels. I have seen law students who go from "A" students to "D" students because they did not hold the door for an attorney on campus. I have seen well performing nursing students fail out because they lodged a complaint about a prominent professor on campus.

Being true to yourself, which is clearly important to you, is not the same as playing, and beating, the game.

I guess what I am getting at here, is play the game or don't. But if you don't, do not be surprised at the consequences. I do not fault you for stating what you believe in an honest way, but I can say that you may be better in the future to keep your head down and play the game.

And, despite the combative tone of several here on the forum, including yourself in a couple of posts, there is actually a lot of good information here on balancing and making sacrifices. You are bettering yourself for the benefit of your family. THAT is why both are #1.

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We can agree to disagree on that bit because I don't think it's "honorable" at all to essentially blame your family for your failings.

Had the comment been made in a different context, sure, family first, but using family as an explanation as to why your grades aren't up to snuff sounds a bit ignoble. You might as well add that the dog ate your homework.

As long as all of the kiddos are healthy and snug in bed or otherwise occupied, there's no reason to let your grades suffer from inattention. Hubby is a grown man and should be mature enough to do his own thing while you study, as often as necessary.

What is wrong with you?! I am not blaming my family for anything! I did bad on a test, instructor called me in her office, asked what my priorities are, and I told her! I never said my family is the reason I did bad on a test! Never never never did I say that and I certainly don't think that! I stated a fact. That is all! I don't appreciate the attack on me and the fact that you are saying things that are completely untrue! If that is the kind of person you are, then please quit commenting on my thread.

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Specializes in ER.
What is wrong with you?! I am not blaming my family for anything! I did bad on a test, instructor called me in her office, asked what my priorities are, and I told her! I never said my family is the reason I did bad on a test! Never never never did I say that and I certainly don't think that! I stated a fact. That is all! I don't appreciate the attack on me and the fact that you are saying things that are completely untrue! If that is the kind of person you are, then please quit commenting on my thread.

Wow. Kimmy, you started a thread on a public forum. Then you hurl insults at people whose answers you dislike and tell them to get off 'your' thread!

You always have the option of requesting administration here to lock a thread, but it's their site, not yours.

Starting a post with "What's wrong with you" is not a good way to converse in a mature fashion.

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