WANTED: Your Personal Stories About Abusive Relationships

Columnist · Oct 4, 2016

Looking forward to the input of our members about this important topic. Your request for anonymity will be honored.

Edited to add: Elizabeth is a writer for allnurses.com.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Oct 4, 2016

Greetings, All:
As part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I am currently working on a series of stories for the allnurses.com community.
Specifically, I am interested in your personal narrative:
Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
Are you currently in one, but thinking of leaving?
Have you yourself ever been an abuser?
I you'd like to be interviewed, please PM me. Your personal point of view will be invaluable.
Also, if you have specific questions you would like for the series to address, I'd love to hear them. Please post your ideas below. Here are a few ideas of my own:
Is there anything about our profession that makes us more (or less) vulnerable to becoming involved with an abuser?
We often hear how nurses "eat their young". Are nurses also abusers? In there a connection between bullying at work and bullying at home?
What patterns, if any, typify a victim and abuser?
What do you â€‹think should be included in a series of posts about domestic abuse?

I am uncomfortable with the idea of someone new to the forum asking such personal questions. We don't know you, and you've shared nothing about your own history or qualifications to write about domestic abuse. Nor do we know why you wish to interview members on an anonymous forum. It seems that if you're interested in the stories of domestic abusers and domestic abuse victims, you might contact a women's shelter, the YMCA (who, in the past at least, have had programs for abusers) or your local ER at 2 AM. Then, at least, you would have some assurance that the person you were talking to was legitimate.

I wonder how many posters will admit to BEING abusers. The general line among abusers is "she MADE me do it." Or "I didn't hit her that hard". Or "She fell down the stairs -- she's really clumsy."

Domestic abuse is a serious topic, and many members have shared their stories. I'd rather see a renewed thread or two about the subject that a series of articles from someone who is just "writing an article."

But maybe that's just me.

Elizabeth Blanchard Hills · Oct 4, 2016

Thank you for your comments, and I appreciate your concerns. I am in the process of updating my bio, so please visit there in a day or so for more information.

I am a new/old nurse, having joined the profession at the age of 49. Nursing kicked my b*&^ for the first two years, and, six years later, I am still at the bedside part-time. I was a professional journalist before becoming a nurse, specializing in healthcare. I was humbled by the willingness of others to share their storiesâ€”they did so because they hoped their personal stories would help others. They did. This community has helped me personallyâ€”and I learn something every time I log in and read the collective wisdom of others who have been there, done that.â€ I hope to give back to the community by combining my journalism experience with my nursing experience. Ultimately, the community itself will be the judge.

I asked folks to PM me for two reasons: 1) I will need to interview them (with their permission of course) by phone, and 2) in my experience, sometimes people want to talk privately, but do not want their personal information shared publicly. As a reporter, I develop a more nuanced understanding of the issues at stake, even if I do not quote the interview source directly.

I will respect the privacy of anyone who chooses to confide about their experience, and will only publishâ€ with the permission of the interviewee.

Thanks again for commenting.

sevensonnets · Oct 4, 2016

OH PLEASE don't get that "Nurses Eat Their Young" thing stirred up again. It has been done to death already. And to throw in "Are nurses also abusers?" is incendiary and unnecessary.

Columnist · Oct 4, 2016

Thanks, Elizabeth for wanting to do this. Elizabeth is an RN and a writer for allnurses and has an extensive background in journalism in healthcare.

As I remember, you did an excellent series of articles on domestic abuse last year, Ruby Vee. And many people talked quite openly about their personal experiences on the public board. This is an opportunity for others to share their experiences in private and decide what they share and whether or not they want to be included in any of the articles. This is a great way to talk as a community about this issue that affects so many.

Trauma Columnist · Oct 4, 2016

Difficult topic but one that needs to be discussed too. By bringing it out in the open, perhaps we can help someone who otherwise would have kept silent.

And I agree that by allowing private contacts, it will assure anonymity as well as permit a conduit for talking about a very troubling widespread problem.

Thanks Elizabeth for bringing this up.

Elizabeth Blanchard Hills · Oct 4, 2016

Thanks for your observation! I brought up the nurses eating their young thing because I myself was bullied by other (younger!) nurses as a new grad. I've also watched (a very few) nurses bullying other, less confident nurses. It is such an unnecessary distraction, and I suspect it may be why we have such a high turnover rate, at least in a hospital setting. That said, I now work with amazing, almost heroic nurses. But I digress. These posts will not be about me. I will ultimately yield to what the community itself says it wants (or doesn't want) to see covered.

BeenThere2012, ASN, RN · Oct 4, 2016

Thanks for your observation! I brought up the nurses eating their young thing because I myself was bullied by other (younger!) nurses as a new grad. I've also watched (a very few) nurses bullying other, less confident nurses. It is such an unnecessary distraction, and I suspect it may be why we have such a high turnover rate, at least in a hospital setting. That said, I now work with amazing, almost heroic nurses. But I digress. These posts will not be about me. I will ultimately yield to what the community itself says it wants (or doesn't want) to see covered.

I was unable to find your name to PM. I put one through to Elizabeth Blanchard Hills. I hope you receive it.

BeenThere2012, ASN, RN · Oct 4, 2016

I am uncomfortable with the idea of someone new to the forum asking such personal questions. We don't know you, and you've shared nothing about your own history or qualifications to write about domestic abuse. Nor do we know why you wish to interview members on an anonymous forum. It seems that if you're interested in the stories of domestic abusers and domestic abuse victims, you might contact a women's shelter, the YMCA (who, in the past at least, have had programs for abusers) or your local ER at 2 AM. Then, at least, you would have some assurance that the person you were talking to was legitimate.
I wonder how many posters will admit to BEING abusers. The general line among abusers is "she MADE me do it." Or "I didn't hit her that hard". Or "She fell down the stairs -- she's really clumsy."
Domestic abuse is a serious topic, and many members have shared their stories. I'd rather see a renewed thread or two about the subject that a series of articles from someone who is just "writing an article."
But maybe that's just me.

Ruby vee....I often have liked your posts and points of view. I am wondering why you feel suspicious about this? We don't know her, but then again, we don't really know each other for that matter. BTW...I just read some recent research on this topic saying that abusers are close to 50/50 in gender but that the more "serious" cases of physical harm are done by men. Abuse includes emotional, spiritual and physical.

I have known several nurses over the years who have been in abusive relatipnships.

Elizabeth Blanchard Hills · Oct 5, 2016

Ruby, I have read (and learned from) your posts, too. Been There 2012, if you remember where you found the reference about gender and abusing, I would love to include it. And to all: I am scheduled to work back-to-back shifts and may not be as responsive as I would like to be over the next couple of days. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and ideas. The series will be much stronger as a result of your experiences, ideas, questions and points of view.

Elizabeth Blanchard Hills · Oct 5, 2016

To Been There, 2012. I received your PM, and hopefully you can read my response. I apologize for the inconvenience and appreciate your patience. We'll talk soon.