WANTED: Your Personal Stories About Abusive Relationships

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

Greetings, All:

As part of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I am currently working on a series of stories for the allnurses.com community.

Specifically, I am interested in your personal narrative:

• Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?
  
• Are you currently in one, but thinking of leaving?
  
• Have you yourself ever been an abuser?
  

If you'd like to be interviewed, please PM me by clicking on my username above. If you are a new member and do not have at least 15 posts, please post in the thread that you want to talk with me and one of the Admins will share your email address with me. Your personal point of view will be invaluable.

Also, if you have specific questions you would like for the series to address, I'd love to hear them. Please post your ideas below. Here are a few ideas of my own:

• Is there anything about our profession that makes us more (or less) vulnerable to becoming involved with an abuser?
  
• We often hear how nurses "eat their young". Are nurses also abusers? In there a connection between bullying at work and bullying at home?
  
• What patterns, if any, typify a victim and abuser?
  

What do you ​think should be included in a series of posts about domestic abuse?

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

Hi Nurse Girl 525: Thanks for reaching out and I look forward to talking. So very happy you are now married to your best friend.

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

I was abused as a child because I believe I have a parent with an undiagnosed PD disorder. Mods please feel free to give OP my e mail address. If you want a childhood story and how it effects me in adulthood.

Yes, that is a very unique point of view, and one I would welcome hearing. Would you please PM me with your cellphone and/or email? We can set up a time to talk that way.

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

I think nurses deal with abuse because it's in our nature to see the good in people and try to "fix" them. That's part of who we are. And hearing the abuser that's apologetic and says they love you and are hurting makes us want to ease their pain. Even though we know it's part of the cycle, we don't want to cause pain to them. I think it takes a lot for a nurse to throw in the towel and say they don't care about the others feelings and aren't coming back.

You've just described the very heart of nursing-- compassion for others. A willingness to overlook flaws. I am looking forward to discovering whether or not this puts us at risk for abuse. Thanks for sharing.

[pat8585]

I have been in abusive relationships before. I also experienced bullying from several nursing instructors. The bullying was so bad, I chose to drop out rather than continue with the program. I sometimes regret dropping out, but I simply couldn't take the pressure of having to perform perfectly in order to pass the instructors class. The college eventually got rid of those two unprofessional instructors. But I know that their replacements would more than likely be just as bad. I have seen enough in nursing school and the job world to know that the majority of nurses are very unprofessional and would rather talk bad about their coworkers vs. help them.

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

I have been in abusive relationships before. I also experienced bullying from several nursing instructors. The bullying was so bad, I chose to drop out rather than continue with the program. I sometimes regret dropping out, but I simply couldn't take the pressure of having to perform perfectly in order to pass the instructors class. The college eventually got rid of those two unprofessional instructors. But I know that their replacements would more than likely be just as bad. I have seen enough in nursing school and the job world to know that the majority of nurses are very unprofessional and would rather talk bad about their coworkers vs. help them.

Very sorry about your experience in nursing school. In my opinion, most nurses, are in fact, nothing short of amazing. They stay calm in emergencies. They provide compassionate care for their patients, even those who are difficult, demanding or just plain mean. They have wicked senses of humor.

And the great thing about being a nurse? We get to choose where and with whom we work.

If it ain't fun or rewarding, we can leave. We can get another job. We can gain additional skills, and get paid more.

My only regret about nursing is that I did not become one earlier in life.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

Domestic violence and bullying in the workplace are two distinct and separate problems. The fact that the OP lumped "bullying" in with domestic violence is what made me distrustful of her agenda in the first place.

"Bullying" in nursing is largely in the eye of the beholder, and what is reported as "bullying" is often just an interaction that the reporter didn't like. Anyone who has read this forum for long knows that claims of bullying are often exaggerated -- it is far easier to blame your problems in a new job on all those bullies around you than it is to admit to yourself that YOU are a large part of the problem.

Domestic violence is different in that very few people exaggerate their claims or make false reports of DV. Why would they? Victims are often disbelieved and subjected to glowing testimonials to their abuser's good character -- even from those who should know better. Look at the Ray Rice in the elevator video, then listen to how the victim defended him -- and then married him rather than escape. It's a totally different dynamic.

[Clety]

OMG..! This is very true, I never saw this as being the reason for dealing with my abuse. After 30 years I am now divorced but still struggle with always giving men the benefit of the doubt and thinking I can help them be a better person. "Who do I think I am, God.. !!" I am still struggling with this issue

[sevensonnets]

I agree with everything you just said Ruby. I was particularly turned off (and ticked off) by the addition of the bullying issue and with the question "Are nurses also abusers?" Who among us would admit to being an abuser?

[findingmandi]

Hi Elizabeth, I'd be happy to speak to you about my experience with domestic violence. Thanks for reaching out =)

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

Hi Elizabeth, I'd be happy to speak to you about my experience with domestic violence. Thanks for reaching out =)

Thanks, findingmandi. Would you please PM me, and leave an email and/or cell phone where I could reach you? I am scheduling interviews for the 3rd week of October. Also let me know the best times to reach you, or when not to call.

[findingmandi]

I would love to PM you if I could *dramatic pause* but I am new. How do I do this now?

[Elizabeth Blanchard Hills]

I would love to PM you if I could *dramatic pause* but I am new. How do I do this now?

Oh, dear. I am a newbie too. In rereading the admin's post, they state that they will work out a way for us to connect since you do not have the requisite 15 posts. I'll let the admin know and be in touch. Thanks again for reaching out.