Unsupportive spouse?

No Stars In My Eyes · May 14, 2015

Well it's my female 50% that is preening, after all. So maybe I should've just written down ONE preen instead of two?

Red Kryptonite · May 14, 2015

Only girls preen.

As the mother of a 14 year old boy whose gaggle of friends runs about 85% female, I beg to differ.

vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN · May 15, 2015

I'm half man. Thanks to the survey, my worst fears have been confirmed!!!!

eggyweggy, MSN, RN · May 18, 2015

My ex-husband was supportive of me going back to school in theory, but once I started and he a.) had to do more around the house and with respect to childcare and b.) realized that I might leave him if I was financially independent, things went south. He ended up having an affair because he felt neglected and I started my nursing program a few months later as a single mom of three. They were 5, 3, and 1 when we separated.

I got through it, not sure how. Turns out that I had a lot of support from others - from friends who watched my kids so I could get to clinicals to my parents who helped me financially, I found the support I needed to get through. It isn't an easy road, but it is possible. Also, my ex became a lot more supportive when he realized that it would ultimately decrease the amount he had to pay in child support if I had a good job. Funny how that works.

Four and a half years later, I have a BSN, a job that allows me to be home with my kids several days a week, financial stability (other than the massive student loans and other school-related debts, but I'm tackling them), and a boyfriend who has been 100% supportive of me during my RN-BSN journey.

Things work out the way they are meant to.

Red Kryptonite · May 18, 2015

I honestly am wondering....how is it that so many women end up married to such selfish, immature douchebags without realizing it? Do people do no evaluations of character before they marry?

Because of my MIL begging my husband to wait until he had his bachelor's degree before marrying, and ROTC regulations disallowing him from being married, my engagement was much longer than today's standard. I am eternally grateful for that now. I went into my marriage eyes wide open, knowing what our difficulties were and able to make the evaluation of whether the balance of the relationship made them worth putting up with for life.

spierre · May 18, 2015

Three kids within four years in an unstable marriage. Now throw in nursing school and ....... just no way. Something's gonna give. If you are absolutely determined to go to nursing school without your husband's full support there are going to be three kids in a single parent household within the year.

I fail to see how having 3 children in 6 years of marriage is unstable?

jaycam, RN · May 18, 2015

In my case I put it off as young and naive. The warning signs were there but I either ignored them or thought that time and love would fix it. I still agree with the previous poster that things happen for a reason. As bad as things were (and to be truthful, mine was a cake walk compared to what I've seen others go through), I'd not be who I am and where I am today if not for my past. I happen to really like who I am now.

spierre · May 18, 2015

I feel sorry for the children in these situations. I wish more women would choose their children's fathers wisely so they didn't have to go through broken families.
In my own case, my dad should have chosen whom he knocked up more wisely. Just to keep it fair.

What makes you think he was this way when we met, dated, or got married? Not every women who has problems with their spouse picked him lightly. Don't generalize, every situation is different.

spierre · May 18, 2015

I've seen this so many times, nurses leave as soon as nursing school is over. It's like you are using your husband to reach your goals only to dispose of him after. My advice is to leave ASAP if that's your intention, don't use him to further your career.

I have no intention of leaving, I said if. If I left it wouldn't be because he isn't supportive.

spierre · May 18, 2015

OP, I respect that you made vows and are trying to make it work. Maybe you need to one on one tell him how you are feeling. Like, "Husband, I want to go back to school to be a nurse. I realize this will be hard on us but it will be worthwhile when I finish. I feel like you put me down when I try to pursue my goals and it is not helpful to me or our marriage. We have tried counseling, but it takes two to make a marriage work. Can you be supportive of me in this endeavor?" If he can and is making an effort, great. If not, weigh your options. Don't feel bad about the children you made with him. I don't know if you are a person of faith but I find praying helps me deal with conflict in my marriage. Good luck in your journey.

Thank you

spierre · May 18, 2015

I'm sorry but I hear all this talk about unsupporting spouses, I guess their good enough to support you while in nursing school but not good enough after? Please let's keep in mind that there's always two sides of any issue.

He isn't supporting me financially through school.

spierre · May 18, 2015

You have already decided nursing school is your ticket out of this marriage. You're going to use him as long as it takes to get what you want. "...take care of my children without him". If you haven't been cheating, then they're his children too. Your "traditional" marriage arrangement is the man is the breadwinner and the woman takes care of the kids and household. He's been doing his part by "working days" and you've been having babies that you don't want to stay home and take care of. Men frequently show their love and support for their families in different ways than women. Based on what you've said there doesn't seem to be two adults trying their best to take care of the innocent little ones they have brought into this world
You've described him as "selfish" and he might very well be a jerk too, but you've played a part in setting these children up for a poverty-level life. Can you stop having children long enough to get through nursing school? You can't possibly do it on your own. You will need support from someone. Your family, friends or the ever-willing government.
Like a PP said ".....the point of going to school is not to be financially independent, but to have 2 incomes, and make a better life for the whole family. " I don't see that as your goal, oh long gone OP.

Who said I don't want to stay home with my children? I want to homeschool but my husband won't allow it, I want to stay at home until the baby goes to school but he wants more income so we can have my income as disposable income. I'm not popping out babies just because. I had our children because we wanted them. They are not an inconvenience. My plan is to have two incomes but he doesn't want me to do what I need to do so that it's not minimum wage. The fact that you ask can I stop having children long enough is pure ignorance.