Trying to get ready for the NCLEX while grieving my husband

Davey Do · May 31, 2021

First and foremost, Midlife, please allow me to offer my condolences for your loss. I'm sure that just the fact that you're plowing ahead despite this major life crisis, your husband would be proud of you.

The major portion of our grieving periods for our losses are typically at least six months. Perhaps you could take that into consideration concerning taking the NCLEX.

Although not as major as yours, I have experienced numerous major life crises and will share how I dealt with my trials and tribulations.

Therapy, specifically art therapy, helped me deal with my emotional pain. Working a program, following a regimen every day, also buoyed me through, which included spiritual readings. Support groups and self-help books are a good idea, and generally, a healthy lifestyle helps.

When attempting to sleep, or focus, I used a mantra- something that I repeat over and over in my head. The Lord's Prayer is my favorite.

Something that I stumbled upon quite by accident was exercise, something which I've done throughout my life. However, at times that I was doing aerobic exercise, I channelled my thoughts toward my emotional pain. I thought of what pained me, and I made my physical pain match my emotional pain.

Of course, you would want to take all necessary precautions regarding your health and physical stamina in order to build up to this.

There are schools of thought that say our emotional pain is expressed through physical ailments. If we can express that emotional pain through therapeutic physical endeavors, perhaps we can curtail those ailments.

I wish you the very, very best, Midlife.

JKL33 · May 31, 2021

I remember your post and have thought of it (you) now and then since you posted. Glad you found people's comments useful. I hope you are hanging in there.

Some of this might depend upon what your personal baseline is for most useful form of study. Then there's the fact that grieving itself is such an individual process. But maybe with various suggestions you can again take what's useful.

For me, just staring at something (whether reading or watching a video where information is just being presented in a lecture format) isn't too productive. If I were distracted by some life stressor that would be all the more true. I need to interact with the material in some way. This is gonna sound old fashioned but I used to like notecards to quiz myself; now I can use electronic forms of self-quizzing that allow even more interaction because you grade yourself on your own knowledge as you answer the question (e.g. Anki). It can be a lot of work if you have to make the cards yourself rather than using someone else's deck, and you may not have time for that. But if you do have the time (even to make cards for your weak areas or must-know things like lab values, ABGs, etc.), then making the cards is also part of the learning process.

I'm sure you will get a good variety of suggestions!

Best of luck. You can do it.

Midlife452 · May 31, 2021

18 minutes ago, JKL33 said:

I remember your post and have thought of it (you) now and then since you posted. Glad you found people's comments useful. I hope you are hanging in there.

Some of this might depend upon what your personal baseline is for most useful form of study. Then there's the fact that grieving itself is such an individual process. But maybe with various suggestions you can again take what's useful.

For me, just staring at something (whether reading or watching a video where information is just being presented in a lecture format) isn't too productive. If I were distracted by some life stressor that would be all the more true. I need to interact with the material in some way. This is gonna sound old fashioned but I used to like notecards to quiz myself; now I can use electronic forms of self-quizzing that allow even more interaction because you grade yourself on your own knowledge as you answer the question (e.g. Anki). It's can be a lot of work if you have to make the cards yourself rather than using someone else's deck, and you may not have time for that. But if you do have the time (even to make cards for your weak areas or must-know things like lab values, ABGs, etc.), then making the cards is also part of the learning process.

I'm sure you will get a good variety of suggestions!

Best of luck. You can do it.

These are good suggestions. Thank you so much. Actually, the UWorld program and app are exactly like that interactive quizzing you were talking about. It's really an excellent way to learn. And, I'm an old-fashioned file card girl from way back. I'll definitely put those to work again. I've heard of Anki but never used it. Maybe I'll check it out.

Unfortunately, my attention span is so short and very foggy.

I feel like I really want to get this out of the way, but I really don't want to fail it and then have to take it all over again.

nursej22, MSN, RN · May 31, 2021

I am very sorry for your loss and kudos to you for continuing on.

I too tend to have a wandering mind. I can always think of something else that needs doing before I can possibly study, even if it is something as silly as checking all the expiration dates in the refrigerator.

I agree with Davey and establish a routine. I would also suggest using some mindfulness exercises to clear your thoughts. Even a simple grounding exercise like looking around and naming 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you taste makes a difference to me.

Something else that helps me is to break things up into short sessions, 20-30 minutes max. Then get up, walk around, get a drink, do some stretching. Then start another session. And give yourself small rewards, like a nice coffee, a cookie, listen to nice music, apply a favorite scent, read something funny.

I also do best first thing in the day, but this is quite personal.

NurseBlaq · Jun 1, 2021

Condolences.

I suggest just sitting and doing questions, 75-100 per session. Then take a break and grade them. If you got it right, you understand that material. If you got it wrong yet understand the rationale why it was wrong, good. If not, briefly review that material and that material only. If you have zero clues why something is wrong nor understand the concept after a brief review of the material, sit down and study that system/section/material.

Again, take breaks. However, I suggest you take a few days and allow yourself to grieve. Seems you still need to cry, talk, scream, rest, whatever it is, just do it for a day or two. Next day, take some time to relax, clear your mind, and just unwind doing something you like to prepare yourself to receive and accept new information while studying. Lastly, get focused and get into it. When I took the NCLEX I had recently had a baby and was going through post-partum depression so I get it. However, you've worked so hard to get to this point. It's hard to get over the hump but it's doable.

And always, seek counseling. I'm a strong advocate for counseling. Sometimes we just need a neutral person on the outside looking in to help us figure some things out. You can always stop if/when you feel better. But for now, I suggest counseling, if you're not already doing it.

Good luck to you!

JBMmom, MSN, NP · Jun 1, 2021

You have been through so much recently, I hope that no matter what happens you can give yourself grace and peace because you're navigating waters with no clear path. Grief is different for every person and you can't put a time frame on when you should be able to do something. That being said I would encourage you to just do your best and then take the exam. What you're doing now may be more effective than you're thinking and you may pass without problem. In the event that you don't pass it would be disappointing, but you can always take it again and maybe if you need to see it once you can develop a better plan based on your experience, and then it would still be worth the investment.

As far as the study plan itself, I also recommend quiz type programs and notecards. You might not be in a position to listen to long lectures or read long passages right now. And some people don't learn best that way anyway. Whatever you do, good luck with your studying and the exam. Best wishes.

Midlife452 · Jun 1, 2021

1 hour ago, JBMmom said:

You have been through so much recently, I hope that no matter what happens you can give yourself grace and peace because you're navigating waters with no clear path. Grief is different for every person and you can't put a time frame on when you should be able to do something. That being said I would encourage you to just do your best and then take the exam. What you're doing now may be more effective than you're thinking and you may pass without problem. In the event that you don't pass it would be disappointing, but you can always take it again and maybe if you need to see it once you can develop a better plan based on your experience, and then it would still be worth the investment.

As far as the study plan itself, I also recommend quiz type programs and notecards. You might not be in a position to listen to long lectures or read long passages right now. And some people don't learn best that way anyway. Whatever you do, good luck with your studying and the exam. Best wishes.

Thank you, so much, for your words. Part of me just wants to take the test and see what happens. I'm trying so hard to get myself ready to prepare for it. I just don't want to let my husband down.

5 hours ago, Davey Do said:

First and foremost, Midlife, please allow me to offer my condolences for your loss. I'm sure that just the fact that you're plowing ahead despite this major life crisis, your husband would be proud of you.

The major portion of our grieving periods for our losses are typically at least six months. Perhaps you could take that into consideration concerning taking the NCLEX.

Although not as major as yours, I have experienced numerous major life crises and will share how I dealt with my trials and tribulations.

Therapy, specifically art therapy, helped me deal with my emotional pain. Working a program, following a regimen every day, also buoyed me through, which included spiritual readings. Support groups and self-help books are a good idea, and generally, a healthy lifestyle helps.

When attempting to sleep, or focus, I used a mantra- something that I repeat over and over in my head. The Lord's Prayer is my favorite.

Something that I stumbled upon quite by accident was exercise, something which I've done throughout my life. However, at times that I was doing aerobic exercise, I channelled my thoughts toward my emotional pain. I thought of what pained me, and I made my physical pain match my emotional pain.

Of course, you would want to take all necessary precautions regarding your health and physical stamina in order to build up to this.

There are schools of thought that say our emotional pain is expressed through physical ailments. If we can express that emotional pain through therapeutic physical endeavors, perhaps we can curtail those ailments.

I wish you the very, very best, Midlife.

Thank you, Davey Do. This is very good advice. I'm trying very hard to keep myself to a schedule, but sometimes I get completely derailed by these waves of grief. But, I'll keep trying...

Emergent, RN · Jun 1, 2021

My advice is to study in 15 minute blocks, rewarded by ½ hr of pleasurable activity. Studies have proven that studying should be short periods of time for better retention.

Eat healthy and get fresh air and mild to moderate exercise.

JBMmom, MSN, NP · Jun 1, 2021

12 hours ago, Midlife452 said:

I just don't want to let my husband down.

I hope that will be the last time you ever write those words or feel that sentiment. No matter what happens for the rest of your life I can guarantee you that you will NEVER let him down. You went through one of the most traumatic things you could experience and here you are, going on and following your goals and dreams. He will be proud of you no matter what happens, especially regarding one test. You are honoring him every day by living life as best as you can. Wishing you peace.

Midlife452 · Jun 1, 2021

15 minutes ago, JBMmom said:

I hope that will be the last time you ever write those words or feel that sentiment. No matter what happens for the rest of your life I can guarantee you that you will NEVER let him down. You went through one of the most traumatic things you could experience and here you are, going on and following your goals and dreams. He will be proud of you no matter what happens, especially regarding one test. You are honoring him every day by living life as best as you can. Wishing you peace.

Thank you so much for your words. This is exactly something he would say to me.

NutmeggeRN, BSN · Jun 1, 2021

My deepest heartfelt sympathy.

I learned many long years ago that feelings are never right or wrong, they just are, and working through them is hard work.

Your timeframe will be your own. Of course he will be proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. Just getting out of bed is major many days. Does working as an RN immediately make a notable difference to you financially? If not, may a little slack for yourself is warranted, and OK. If you feel your edge will be lost academically, then plow through and take the test., You can always repeat it. You are going to get through this, one baby step at at a time. Some days are giant steps forward, some days you go backwards. At the end, you will be an RN!

Take good care and feel free to PM if you need to