Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

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Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary! :eek:

Anybody got anything to add?

Exactly. Like the patient we had S/P Shoulder Hemiarthoplasty, getting 3mg Dilaudid (I wanna say q2h), with an On-Q Pump, who I found shooting up in the bathroom...

We searched his room and he had about four of our IV start kits, and three 20g IV caths in his suitcase...from our clean utility room. Somehow he figured out the code to get into our supply room.

It's very sad. :(

Had a "friend" working on the floor, maybe?

Did anyone catch him in the utility room?

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Specializes in Med surg, Critical Care, LTC.

Never masturbate with your moms eyebrow pencil in your urethra - 16 y/o had to go to surgery to have it removed.

Never try to masturbate using a pepsi bottle, this elderly getleman got his member stuck

Never put a light bulb in your rectum

If you come in pregnant, PLEASE DON'T TELL US YOUR A VIRGIN, we really won't believe you.

When we ask you if your sexually active, we want to know if your currently engaging in sexual behavior - we don't need the response "no, usually I just lie there." :chuckle:chuckle:chuckle:chuckle Hard to keep a straight face on that one.

When your 4 week old infant has a skull fx, don't tell me it's because you bumped his head on the corificeat while getting him out.

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Never let your s/o place a cucumber in your rectum during sex.

I kid you not. We once got a post-op cucumber removal surgery at 3am. A 44-year-old male whose wife said she "did it to him all the time with no problems."

You know i would wonder about my "husband" if he allowed me to stick things up his butt for sexual gratification:eek: :smackingf :redlight:

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Specializes in NICU, PEDS, M/S, DOU, ICU, REHAB.
never wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom to put on chapstick in the dark...it might be preparation -H:eek:

Unless, you are using as a anti-wrinkle night cream, than knock yourself out. It actually does work on wrinkles! Just DON'T get it in your eyes.

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Specializes in ICU. Med/Surg: Ortho, Neuro, & Cardiac.
Had a "friend" working on the floor, maybe?

Did anyone catch him in the utility room?

No, no one saw him go in there. He didn't have a friend working on the floor.

It's still confusing to me. The only thing I could think is that someone was trying to start an IV on him and left the supplies in there when they couldn't get it. They probably called ER or the supervisor to start it and they never came. I don't know.

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Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.

never get up out of bed with a femoral arterial line (which you've disconnected at the stopcock), walk into the patient room next door and masturbate in front of the nice little old lady in the ccu for an mi. if you are stupid enough to do the above, don't insist upon fighting with the nice security guards who come to remove you from the little old lady's room. if you must fight with the security guards, it really isn't fair for you to turn the stopcock on your arterial line so that you can spray them with your hiv+ blood. if you insist upon doing that, you really can't complain when one of the guards accidentally breaks your nose and blackens both eyes in the tussel after he slipped in the growing pool of blood and head-butted you as he fell. and after all of the above, the security guards won't look kindly upon your threat to sue them for violating your civil right to sexual expression! (happened in the early 80s, and i still laugh when i think about it!)

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Specializes in Paediatrics, Orthopeodics, ENT, General.
Don't assume that not having a bowel movement for 4 weeks is a normal part of pregnancy.

OMG! :eek: You HAVE to be kidding me? As if there's not enough abdominal pressure with the pregnancy alone!

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Do not put the defib pads on, charge up and SHOCK...just to see if they work like they do on TV...true story.

NEVER build a doghouse with a chain saw...for a 1 pound chihuahua.

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Unless, you are using as a anti-wrinkle night cream, than knock yourself out. It actually does work on wrinkles! Just DON'T get it in your eyes.

oh boyyy!!! You know i actually heard that before!

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Specializes in Mental health , Wound Care, Home Visting.

Never try to get your neighbour to help to trim the top of your hedge by lifting up your lawnmover.... both of these guys lost all their fingers....

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Never try to get your neighbour to help to trim the top of your hedge by lifting up your lawnmover.... both of these guys lost all their fingers....

:no::no: :smackingf :redlight: :selfbonk: :trout: :nono: need i say more?

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Never try to get your neighbour to help to trim the top of your hedge by lifting up your lawnmover.... both of these guys lost all their fingers....

Did either of these guys play drums for Spinal Tap? You know, the whole bizarre gardening accident thing? At least it wasn't fatal.

:lol:

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