Things Patients Have Taught Me NOT To Do

[Trixxy]

Never....NEVER...cut a potato in half and use it as a pessary!

Anybody got anything to add?

[alcrab01]

Don't let your boyfriend dip your 2-year old daughter's feet in a turkey deep fryer and tell us that "you think she fell in." Don't let your boyfriend visit the PICU that night. Don't let your boyfriend ask how quickly the burns will heal because he thinks your 2-year old "will probably be a model someday."

If you are 14, don't take an entire bottle of Tylenol because "life is too hard." Don't ask if you can have anything for nausea because the activated charcoal made your tummy hurt. Don't ask if you can get discharged early because you don't want to miss any more school. How much school did you think you were going to miss after you "ended it all"?

Don't let your husband fall asleep with your newborn daughter face down in his armpit. Heartbreaking outcome in this case.

When your RN comes in the room to assess your neuro status, and she asks you, "Can you tell me where you are?" it is probably not a wise idea to reply, "I'm in Candyland, *****!"

[SecondGenRN]

This one is more of a request to future patients....

PLEASE don't come to the emergency department because you have vag bleeding and cramping when its "only been 28 days since my last period" "It's too early for another one" You think you could figure it out by your early thirties lol

[peridotgirl]

i am a student practical nurse and i was assessing my pt at the clinical site... don't go c/o to me that your tummy hurts and when i ask you to rate it on a scale of 1 to 10 you gimme a 5. now when the actual nurse comes in and asks you how's the pain, you say it's just "discomfort"... gggrrr... pts these days.

another pt of mine. don't tell me that i'm lying to you when i said that you will only recieve 1 tablespoon of meds mixed in applesauce. i gave you one tablespoon; you didn't swallow all of it. (then i gave the pt the rest of the med she left on the spoon. pt thought i was giving another spoon of meds.) hehehehe!! :heartbeat:yeah::redbeathe:lol2::nurse:

[lupin]

This is like my third post:

Don't shoot a carpet staple into your finger, claim workmen's comp, come into the ER and then throw a fit because your job requires a drug screen with injuries. It's not my job to know what your company's policy on drug use in the workplace is (though I can probably guess) so don't yell at me when you decide to refuse treatment.

Don't take a "token" OD and then threaten the nurse when we tell you that you can't leave AMA. Four really big cops will come hold you down while we restrain you. And then DO NOT ask for narcotics, because you "hurt your shoulder" while struggling against the cops.

Don't think that you can just jog into the ER for "a real quick visit". We have other patients here and we never know when that next STEMI might just come walking through the door.

Don't shoot up tessalon perls (really bad outcome).

Don't take whatever pills are in the "punchbowl" at a pharm party (again, really bad outcome).

Don't make up homemade labels for your "prescription" drugs at home. We know what labels the pharmacy uses.

Don't prick your finger and drop blood into your urine sample to convince us you have kidney stones and need narcs. We will see the bloody finger and then straight cath you "just to be sure".

Don't give you 4 month old a bottle of Red Bull because you don't have anything else for her to eat. If you can get a ride into town to the ER, you can go to the store and pick up formula. Especially if you give up a pack of smokes a week.

[nursebabygirl 08]

never wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom to put on chapstick in the dark...it might be preparation -H:eek:

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

never wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom to put on chapstick in the dark...it might be preparation -H:eek:

:chuckle:rotfl::yelclap::fnypst:Would have loved to be a fly on the wall about then

[puppylover]

Never use a metal nail file as a tool for bowel impaction..(OUCH!)

ALWAYS pay your prostitute. ALWAYS.

"Chocolate" on the hands is never chocolate.

[Booty Nurse, BSN]

Never put fishing lures (with hooks attached!) up your member.

[JaredCNA, CNA]

Never let your s/o place a cucumber in your rectum during sex.

I kid you not. We once got a post-op cucumber removal surgery at 3am. A 44-year-old male whose wife said she "did it to him all the time with no problems."

[ktwlpn, LPN]

Don't shoot up tessalon perls (really bad outcome).

The kind of person who would attempt that is probably the kid that smoked everything in the kitchen to try to get high-and every thing that grew in the yard.....How sad to be so desperate to escape reality that you would do something so boneheaded...

[JaredCNA, CNA]

The kind of person who would attempt that is probably the kid that smoked everything in the kitchen to try to get high-and every thing that grew in the yard.....How sad to be so desperate to escape reality that you would do something so boneheaded...

Exactly. Like the patient we had S/P Shoulder Hemiarthoplasty, getting 3mg Dilaudid (I wanna say q2h), with an On-Q Pump, who I found shooting up in the bathroom...

We searched his room and he had about four of our IV start kits, and three 20g IV caths in his suitcase...from our clean utility room. Somehow he figured out the code to get into our supply room.

It's very sad.

[JaredCNA, CNA]

Oh, I'm reluctant to share this one, but...

Never prostitute yourself out to homeless folks, and definitely don't let them stick their member in your colostomy.

No matter how I try to forget that one...