Things you'd LOVE to tell the doc and get away with it....

[nerdtonurse?]

Since the patient version is so popular, and I had a bad weekend (and no hope for a better one this weekend....)

You've been giving this schizophrenic Alzheimer's pt 10 mg Ambien, plus 50mg Benedryl, plus 100mg Seroquel every night at their NH for years. Could you please, PLEASE explain why you stopped giving it to them when you put them in the hospital? Do I look like a lion tamer?

Yes, I am going to report you when you take the packing out of an abdominal wound with your bare hands, despite me waving gloves in front of your face. That's what the risk management software's for. BTW, did you not see the big isolation gear on the door? Pt. has hx. of MRSA in the wound, and you just stirred in it barehanded....

When I call you at 3 am and tell you your pt's BP is 212 over 179, resp are 32, and O2 sats are 78, could you please say something other than "So what do you want me to do?" Because, one night, I'm going to tell you what to do, and it's going to be something that only a hermaphrodite can physically do.

We all know this pt's a junkie; could you please, PLEASE, not admit everyone who comes to the ER with a pulse tonight? I've got two evolving CVA's and an acute MI, along with my OOB q5minutes Alzheimer's pt, my drama queen post lap chole, and one in restraints that the NH sent simple to get a break from him trying to bite them. I don't need a "demerol, phenergan and diet soda" q4h, too.

[MedSurgeMess]

'Keep it up Dr, and I'll tell you where to go and what to do when you get there!"

"Dr, does your mom let you eat with that filthy mouth?"

"Dr X, while I appreciate your colorful use of the English language, I do have your patient that is having X problem"

[swirlygirl]

When I call you at 3am for orders for your fresh post-op patient, don't tell me to "never call you again - only call the medical doctor. And let the other nurses know, too" Better yet, don't act surprised when I DO write that as an order in the chart. He's YOUR patient - you deal with it!

Yes, your colon resection patient developed a GI bleed. No, I didn't order any labs or scans. That's why I called you. I may know what he needs, but after being a surgeon for 10 years you should know that nurses are not allowed to write their own orders. Don't get ***** with me about it. Take it up with the board of nursing.

[JB2007, ASN, RN]

Grow a back bone and quit kissing the residents family members butts and do what the residents needs medically. Not what daughter/POA thinks mom needs because she read it on the internet.

If you tell one more family member that you ordered a med at a specific time just to make them shut up, you can come into the nursing home and pass all of these pills to my 30 + resident.

[ayla2004, ASN, RN]

When you don't know the patient but ive been with her all w/e and she has been on the ward for weeks please listen when i say i feel she needs review as something isn't right even though the obs are ok, thats beside the fact she spike a temp and is on iv abx. turns out something was far from right. One lazy doctor (resident) i'd love never to see again and hate when i have to bleep him.

[squeakykitty]

Judging by your behavior, I'm starting to think the letters MD behind your name just might mean either Major D-head or Maggot Droppings, but I know full well that it doesn't stand for Medical Diety.

[SteffersRN87, BSN, RN]

Would you rather just write and order that says "do not call me in the middle of the night, just let the patient die..."?

Why don't you let the patient punch you, and then maybe order some restraints...

[mama_d, BSN, RN]

When I call you up and say something like "The patient has s/s of a yeast infection, can we get her something for it?" the correct answer is not "OK". The correct answer would include a med name, dosage and route. (That conversation ended with me getting hung up on after I sarcastically asked "And would you like to order it, or should I make something up?")

Same doc, at three am...what I wish I would have said but didn't..."Well, the reason why I'm calling you about the two PVC's that my patient has had in the last hour is b/c the last time I didn't, you complained to my nurse manager and I got counseled. You're both idiots. And you better believe I'm going to make your nights hell every time you're on call, just for the sheer fun of it."

Same doc, again, and I actually said this..."Well, Dr. Smith, YOU gave the order to not call you unless the patient was dead. All I did was write it as a telephone order. And yes, you do have to sign it."

[StNeotser, ASN, RN]

If you want to write like a first grader, ignore me while you are sitting next to me at the desk and leave without telling me, DO NOT be surprised when I call you to ask you what you meant by that order. I already handed the order around to seven other people, four RNS, one NP and two MDs. We still have no idea what you meant. Are the seven of us idiots, or just you?

[lucky1RN]

"Here's your baby bottle and your pacifier. When you're done having your tantrum, you can find me doing what you should be doing...taking care of our patients."

[mauxtav8r]

>> That pathetic attempt at a joke wasn't nearly as funny as you thought.

Stop standing too close. We're not in Japan and this is not a subway.

[SoundofMusic]

Be cool. Just be cool with the nurses. We're just people like you. Have a sense of humor. Smile. Don't be so serious all the time. We can get this done without all the grumpiness and arrogance. Really. We WILL respect you so much more for it.

We have one doc who will come into the nurses station and actually do card tricks for us to break up the day . . . we think he's way cool.

[ChristyRN2009]

To the very apathetic intensivist "I realize you are not impressed unless the patient is actually coding, but I'm telling you these thiings to get my patient treatment to prevent that. Its not a race, first one to death and back wins."

To the nasty doctor "it is unacceptable to change a patient's first post op aka dressing (with green drainage btw)without gloves and then touch me. Matter of fact, you are sweet as the day is long but you will never touch me. You are on my "do not ever let him touch me" list that I'm designing a tasetful tattoo for just in case I come in unconscious."

To our Hospitalist, aka to himself as Dr. God "You are an ass. No one respects your opinion mainly because you are an ass and secondly because half the time its wrong. Don't transfer my unstable patient to your designated floor in the hospital just because you don't want to walk your happy ass down the stairs. And don't tell me you will address the critical labs I call you about in the A.M on your rounds if you are not planning on rounding until 7pm. And having your nurse time your progress notes for 10am does not mean you rounded on the patient and I will strike through her little falsified patient progress note if I feel its necessary."