Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

[AngelfireRN]

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

[Bill E. Rubin]

To any one of a number of elderly patients who teeter and stumble whenever they attempt to walk and were admitted to our unit for a syncope workup because they had a fall at home:

"I know you are a world-beating independent-living person, and I'll bet that in your spare time you run marathons with your eyes closed. But the fact is that you are in the hospital because you fell for no obvious reason and we are a little concerned about you falling again until we are done working you up for the reason you lost consciousness and fell. Furthermore, when you do walk here, you stumble and bounce off the walls while grabbing at the bed and those rickety bedside tables.

"I understand you have fears of losing your independence and feel the need to prove to yourself and to us that you are capable of getting around on your own. However, tonight, you are my responsibility and if you fall during my shift, it will seriously ruin my day. So humor me. Use the call bell and ask for assitance before you make a mad dash to the bathroom. And don't get mad at me for activating your bed alarm because you failed to call me on the call bell the last three times you got out of bed to use the bathroom."

[sugarloaf98]

Something I'd love to say and get away with is:

"If I were you, I'd get a second opinion"........

[simboka]

... Furthermore, when you do walk here, you stumble and bounce off the walls while grabbing at the bed and those rickety bedside tables...

"Grab me, not the bedside table, I guarantee I'm stronger than it is."

[Poi Dog]

You think you're being cute. You're really just being an idiot.

[sharpeimom]

you think you're being cute. you're really just being an idiot.

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[color=#48d1cc]

i wonder if this would work on my husband when he's being a pain in the ...??!!

[fuzzywuzzy, CNA]

"Here... take your tissues and your word search into the bathroom with you! I will put your wheelchair in storage and you can spend all day on the toilet. That way I won't have to waste my time taking you to the bathroom every 15 minutes ALL DAY LONG and you can feel free to dribble and fart for hours without panicking and hitting the call bell; isn't that great?"

"Give the toilet a rest. You get out, your roommate gets in. She gets out, you get in. The seat hasn't cooled off all day and I am tired of not being able to get out of this room because of your stupid games! Find something else to do! I hope your call light burns out, and at this rate, it probably will, especially since you insist on pressing it when I'm still in the room!"

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

"Here... take your tissues and your word search into the bathroom with you! I will put your wheelchair in storage and you can spend all day on the toilet. That way I won't have to waste my time taking you to the bathroom every 15 minutes ALL DAY LONG and you can feel free to dribble and fart for hours without panicking and hitting the call bell; isn't that great?"

"Give the toilet a rest. You get out, your roommate gets in. She gets out, you get in. The seat hasn't cooled off all day and I am tired of not being able to get out of this room because of your stupid games! Find something else to do! I hope your call light burns out, and at this rate, it probably will, especially since you insist on pressing it when I'm still in the room!"

I've often thought of doing this! Let them sit on the toilet and read all day to their heart's content! I think many people do this at home so it's why they like it (I do at times!)

I like the ones who say they have definitely finished on the loo, you get them back to bed, get them all settled and comfortable, re-arrange everything for them so it's within reach, then when ur about to leave they say: 'I think I need to go to the loo again, I haven't quite finished!'

And yes stop pressing the ******* bell when I'm in the room - it won't work any better or louder cos I'm there!

It's like the people that sit at green traffic lights and don't move, which they do a lot in Perth - I feel like saying: 'The lights aren't going to get any greener people! There's only ONE shade of green and this is it!'

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

Of course!!!!! One family with an inherited allergy to soap and water had been holing up on our unit for weeks, while "Granny" was dying of end stage COPD. Well, one of them grabbed our crash cart when she had passed, attached her to the monitor and broke into the cart in order to try to save her. Never said a thing to the nurse who had granny. (who was by the way care and comfort only (HER WISHES) . I had asked to be switched to another group for that shift, because I couldn't take the drama of who was sleeping with who, who was trying to get Granny's money....on and on and on )

You could hear the "whaling" all over the unit as people were throwing themselves on her in a vain attempt to prove to us that they were really distraught. Meanwhile most of them were sucking down our coffee and eating our food while sitting in our family room planning how to spend the woman's money and her body wasn't even cold yet .

Some days I really, really wished I would have gone to school to become a medical laboratory technician.

Tacky behaviour from the family to say the least. I met that type working in the hospice ward - aruguing over grannys/grandpas will standing above them even before they had died.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

I have a code so either shut up and get out of my way or I will whistle with glee while I run you over with my crash cart.

Your loved one is DEAD. There is no sense in taking our crash cart and running a code yourself.

This is the funniest comment I have read in a long time on here!

It reminds me of the young Dr I stood next to when he told the family (who were like hill people, not the brightest sparks), their loved one had 'passed away' and 'was gone for good, so sorry, etc...'

The family said: 'What do you mean exactly?'

The Dr looked at them, then me, I just sorta shrugged. He then said your family member (granny whoever it was) has died, there is nothing more we can do, sorry.

The son was like: 'What do you mean she's died?'

It was all I could do to control my jiggles of hilarity and not burst out laughing at that point.

The poor, frustrated Dr said afterwards: 'Maybe I should have just said she's kicked the bucket, perhaps they would have understood that!", which of course no-one would say, but I could understand his frustration! How many ways can you tell people a family member has died for goodness sake?

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

My badge says 'Registered Nurse in bold, black letters. Here, if you don't believe me I will take it off and show it to you. We even have a website now where you can punch my name in and it will say 'Registered Nurse' and my registration number.

So why on earth do you think - at nearly the end of my shift - I can go into your room and fix your room wall air conditioner/heater using only the remote? I have called engineering but they have other priorities like blocked patient toilets and burst pipes, which are kind of important. And don't keep coming up to me every 5 minutes asking if I can call engineering again. You are not going to die because it's 30oC and your air con isn't working satisfactoritly - and you won't sit in the numerous lounges with other patients and that have air conditioning.

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

sigh. you've read the posts, become offended, reprimanded the posters, been corrected, continued to reprimand the posters, been corrected by a moderator, and still continue the cycle if read-be upset-flame-be corrected.

really, WHY DO YOU KEEP READING THE THREAD IF IT JUST UPSETS YOU? you must know you're not going to change the opinions of everyone here, so really, you're either reading it still because you're actually enjoying it, or you're reading it because you enjoy getting all worked up.

either way, you've been politely (and, to be honest, a bit rudely) informed of the nature and content that can be expected in a vent thread, so please, as the Aussie bogans are always shouting (between riots) 'if you don't love it, leave'. (alternatively, 'eff off we're full' is also popular).

sorry, I realise there's about seventy-odd pages of water under the bridge since this particular post was made, but having read through from page one, I've been getting progressively more annoyed by sanctimonious and over-sensitive comments, and funnily enough, I needed to vent!!

This post made ME laugh out loud - Aussie bogans! Ha ha!

[carolmaccas66, BSN, RN]

I would LOVE to be able to say:

My crytstal ball and magic wand are broken today, otherwise I could do all, answer every question you have ever, and cure you all of your illnesses!