I came home really upset the other day by how absolutely insensitive patients and their families can be. I'm sure this is probably my fault, because I am very friendly and nice ( most of the time) so people feel comofrtable talking to me about pretty much anything. I used to work on the floor, where the turn around of patients was not that great comparing to the ER. Downstairs is a different story.
I get multiple questions on daily basis regarding were I'm from, how long I've been here, etc. because of my accent - that i can not hide or change, but then it seems not enough and they ask me about my parents. This is a sore subject, because I have lived on my own since I was 15, my father was not there and my mother neglected me and sometimes abused me since I was 9. I haven't seen her in 14 years since I left Moscow and the last thing I want to discuss are my feelings for her and what her life is like a psych unit. Even though I say that I don't want to talk about it, this is not enough. People continue to dig.
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Another problem is when I don't understand what the person is trying to tell me, because they are actually not very smart or funny, they blame it on lack of my English skills, even though I finished college in the US with honors.
They ask me if I am a mail-order bride,( after they question me about my wedding ring), which is also insulting. And no, I am not. I met my husband at work.
Then there comes the religion problem. People feel absolutely compelled to ask me if I am Jewish or a Russian Orthodox and i am neither, because even though I tried "welcoming Jesus into my life " during the nightmare Of my childhood it just never happened. So, then the people feel it is OK to say to me how I am going to go to hell, that i need to pray and go to church. These attacks on my right to believe or not, come exclusively from the white poplulation. Never have I had an ethnic individual impose thier views on me with such vengence.
And all of this is happening while I am trying to whipe this person's butt or be sympathetic to their abdominal pain or chest pain and it is VERY hard to do after someone just tore me apart. I tried lying, but people do not stop with questions even then.
I try to get out of the patients room quickly now or to reverse the questions at them, so they stop bothering me, but it only works some of the time.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
wow!!! ((((nat))))
i'm so sorry that ppl are so rude to you. i agree with other posters. definitely turn the conversation back to them, with a big smile on your face.
i had a gangbanger that was in with either a gsw or a stabbing (don't remember - too many) who asked me where my daughter goes to school. i told him, "i'm sorry, but i don't give out personal information to my patients." he looked a little dumbfounded, even a little put off, but it stopped the personal questions.
again, if you tell them you don't give out personal information and they continue to press, say it again and turn the conversation back to them. "i'm sorry, as i've stated before, i don't give personal information to my patients. so, how is your pain now? did the morphine help?"
i find that telling patients that you don't give personal information to "patients" re-establishes the professional relationship. reminds the patient that despite the fact i'm giving intimate care, wiping butts, etc. this is not a personal relationship but a professional one. i may be friendly, but please don't confuse that with friendship.
hope all the great advice you've received on this board helps.
i agree with not sharing personal information with a patient. i learned this the hard way, after being more or less stalked by a patient who developed a crush on me. (mi patient, not psych.) and i was once followed home by a psych patient who then spent the next several days in a tree outside my bedroom window. (long story -- maybe i'll tell it (or have told it) on one of those other threads.) but rather than announcing that i don't share personal information with patients, i've found that it's less confrontative to just smile and deflect the questions, turn them back to the patient, or be deliberately vague.
Ruby, I love that Shaw quote, and you bring up a really good point. You never know the reasons behind seemingly "innocent" questions of "curiosity." I've been stalked too, and crossed the country to get off his radar.
Specializes in ER/SICU/Med-Surg/Ortho/Trauma/Flight.
Anagray, just because they ask does not mean you need to tell the truth!!!. You could have some fun with the personal questions. Maybe you could tell people your parents came here in 1978 to spy on the govt and were killed in the line of duty thus the govt gave you a full ride scholarship.
Or your parents came here with the Soviet circus and you escaped in the night with the handsome lion tamer Raul.
I too have crazy parents, have not seen them in years and am a better person and mother because of it. When people ask about my parents I simply say, "oh they live in Nebraska and I dont get to see them much" then I immediately change the topic to how much I love the town I am in now, and gee can you believe the snow?
When the topic of religion comes up, you can say. "oh your church sounds wonderful, I work almost every Sunday so it is hard for me to get to church, but God understands--dont you think"
or I work in a hospital, I see gods miracles every day. No one can argue with that!!!
Specializes in Cardiac care/Ortho/LTC/Education/Psych.
Sooo, you came from Moscow? :urck: I have sometimes same problem ( small irritation from rude questions) and I would say that is coming from our cultures also.I often get a question about what I was doing before I came to USA. My answer is that I liked to collect snails and send them to Italy for good special food and that I practiced IM with 1-2-3 motion and somehow still find it "working" - and then I asked what did they work last 20 years of their life... For religion o, my, my I have those as many as you want. I usually say that I am from the Mother Earth and will return to the Mother Earth and become the Mother Earth. Some find it enough to not go into deeper discussion thinking that I am some weird "stranger" .Good, now focus , what brings you here?
As a hygienist I've been asked extremely personal questions:
Patient: "I hear hygienists make a lot of money. Is that true?"
Me: "I am comfortable and can't complain."
patient: "So how much DO you make?"
Me: "Dr. SoandSo takes care of me and pays me what I am worth"
Patient: "No. Seriously. HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?"
Me: "Ha ha. That's a pretty personal question! Let's get back to your teeth....So, seriously; HOW MUCH DO YOU FLOSS?"
Of course, the religious appeals, they are common and I'm pretty skilled at smiling and nodding and not touching that topic with any REAL response. And I've had patients practically DEMAND that I tell them who I voted for....I find that most "normal" people get the hint when I try to deflect the questions...most people would rather talk about themselves anyways and this serves me well in such awkward situations. Some people however, are just plain rude and my motto is the ruder the patient, the more professional (STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL) I must become. It's a hard motto to live by....but I think that it would work if I could manage to stick to it:D
I think the key here is to setlimits with patients. They are being rude,and insensitive. I think it may be because we ask them very personal questions about sex, bowel movements, and such that they somehow feel entitled to ask us bizarre questions that they wouldn't ask in a normal setting.
There are questions I will answer. I speak fluent Spanish, and am about as caucasian as it gets. Many of my Latino/a patients ask where did you learn to speak Spanish? I tell them that I have been to Nicaragua/Panama etc. I'm happy to answer that question.
Now, the same person asking, "Why aren't you married yet?" tends to really make me angry, btu I have learned to just say, "Gee, haven't met the right person." and move on to their bowel movements...
Worst for mewas that I used to be very overweight, and little old ladies used to daily pat my stomach and ask when I was due. I am so glad I lost weight, because that was the one that occasionally brought me to tears.
Hang in there. Perhaps when they ask about where you arefrom or your husband, you can deflect by asking, "Have you lived here all your life?" or asking "How long have you been married, if they are."
Otherwise I find I am still in Suck it up and deal mode sometimes.
I think when the questions start coming and get too personal you should just say, point blank, that your personal life is off limits and you're not going to discuss it with them.
You can be friendly and nice without having to answer personal questions.
Just tell them. Put a stop to it.
Gee whiz, where do patients get off asking for so much personal info of their nurses?
That's just plain rude, I don't care if they are sick.
Another thing to consider about this, is you don't know what NUT you are giving all this personal information to.
In this day and time, people need to be careful just exactly what information they give out to strangers.
I came home really upset the other day by how absolutely insensitive patients and their families can be. I'm sure this is probably my fault, because I am very friendly and nice ( most of the time) so people feel comofrtable talking to me about pretty much anything. I used to work on the floor, where the turn around of patients was not that great comparing to the ER. Downstairs is a different story.
I get multiple questions on daily basis regarding were I'm from, how long I've been here, etc. because of my accent - that i can not hide or change, but then it seems not enough and they ask me about my parents. This is a sore subject, because I have lived on my own since I was 15, my father was not there and my mother neglected me and sometimes abused me since I was 9. I haven't seen her in 14 years since I left Moscow and the last thing I want to discuss are my feelings for her and what her life is like a psych unit. Even though I say that I don't want to talk about it, this is not enough. People continue to dig.
.
Another problem is when I don't understand what the person is trying to tell me, because they are actually not very smart or funny, they blame it on lack of my English skills, even though I finished college in the US with honors.
They ask me if I am a mail-order bride,( after they question me about my wedding ring), which is also insulting. And no, I am not. I met my husband at work.
Then there comes the religion problem. People feel absolutely compelled to ask me if I am Jewish or a Russian Orthodox and i am neither, because even though I tried "welcoming Jesus into my life " during the nightmare Of my childhood it just never happened. So, then the people feel it is OK to say to me how I am going to go to hell, that i need to pray and go to church. These attacks on my right to believe or not, come exclusively from the white poplulation. Never have I had an ethnic individual impose thier views on me with such vengence.
And all of this is happening while I am trying to whipe this person's butt or be sympathetic to their abdominal pain or chest pain and it is VERY hard to do after someone just tore me apart. I tried lying, but people do not stop with questions even then.
I try to get out of the patients room quickly now or to reverse the questions at them, so they stop bothering me, but it only works some of the time.
Thanks for lettting me vent.
Nat
Well I get to this thread at the point is 4 pages so there are a lot of interesting tips and good ideas. Please don't take offense at at my comments to follow.
No one has mentioned about getting to the source of your personal angst. Just the mention of several items gets you irritated and uncomfortable. This begs the question that I am surprised no one else asked. You are trying to hide from an unhappy childhood. Same goes for the mention of religion. You seem embarrassed by your wedding ring. Things make you want to rush your care and hurry from patient rooms.
Have you talked to a professional about your feelings? Have you talked to anyone about your feelings? Getting emotional at the patients bedside just because the ask where you are from begs to a underlying problem.
As a hygienist I've been asked extremely personal questions:
Patient: "I hear hygienists make a lot of money. Is that true?"
Me: "I am comfortable and can't complain."
patient: "So how much DO you make?"
Me: "Dr. SoandSo takes care of me and pays me what I am worth"
Patient: "No. Seriously. HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE?"
Me: "Ha ha. That's a pretty personal question! Let's get back to your teeth....So, seriously; HOW MUCH DO YOU FLOSS?"
I found this one pretty hilarious... :rotfl: Thanks for the good laugh.
I, too, am pretty amazed at questions some people feel it's OK to ask. Since I was pregnant a little later in life, there were some people who felt it was OK to ask: "Was this an accident?" (from a NICU nurse which had nothing to do with why my daughter was there) or "Was this pregnancy the result of ART?" What happened to the time of 50 years ago when Lucy was *shhhhh!!!* p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t with little Ricky, and it couldn't even be mentioned on TV?
I also got married a little later in life because I wanted to find the right person. I can't tell you the feelings I have when I think back to the time when one of my professors asked me on my 29th birthday, "Does it freak you out that you're 29 and not married?" :angryfire As much as I liked that professor, it was none of her business.
Anagray, I'm sorry about your childhood and what you've been through. I hope that through this thread that you are able to come up with things to say to deflect the questions from you and on to the patient where they belong. That being said, I find that people from Russia are very fascinating and maybe people are just curious. However, just the same, you have to find the right balance and have those boundaries respected. I hope that this thread helps you to find the answers to those annoying, "Are you a mail order bride?"-type questions. Very best of luck to you.
:chuckle:chuckle:smokin:
Ruby Vee, BSN
17 Articles; 14,051 Posts
i agree with not sharing personal information with a patient. i learned this the hard way, after being more or less stalked by a patient who developed a crush on me. (mi patient, not psych.) and i was once followed home by a psych patient who then spent the next several days in a tree outside my bedroom window. (long story -- maybe i'll tell it (or have told it) on one of those other threads.) but rather than announcing that i don't share personal information with patients, i've found that it's less confrontative to just smile and deflect the questions, turn them back to the patient, or be deliberately vague.