Take this job and shove it, I ain't working here no more!

[Blue Roses]

"...I'm a young new nurse about a year out of nursing school and I haven been on the ob for about 10 months. During the past 4 months or so I have had increasing anxiety to the point of being physically sick and having to call off work, and now I only have one more absence left until they fire me.

My boss is very strict and unsympathetic. If you try to talk to her she says things like "well sometimes life just isnt fair." instead of trying to help you. She holds grudges and has favorites and least favorites, and if you are the latter you know it and feel it in the way she treats you.

About 2 months ago I had two patients pass away on me in a two week period, and since then I have been a complete and total mess. I have been getting dizzy and passing out both at work and at home, I constantly feel like something terrible is about to happen, and I have a constant underlying current of fear and anxiety in my mind and heart. It doesn't help that we have been consistently understaffed and overworked the past several months (I work on a med surg floor in a huge city hospital). Every night I go in I'm terrified of what I might face when I get there. I cry all the time. I can't sleep, I don't eat because I feel nauseated most of the time. I'm also facing stress outside of work, conflict within my family and trying to plan and pay for my wedding coming up in May mostly by myself.

...It came to a head last night when my fiance woke up to me sobbing my eyes out because I stay awake all night to make sure he's still breathing. I have been in denial, I know I have a history of depression and self-mutilation as a teenager, although I was never diagnosed with anything. But now I feel like a train speeding at 100 mph towards a solid concrete wall.

I have appointments this week to see both my PCP and a free counselor service provided through my work... I am going to try and talk to my boss, but I don't see her doing much to help me. I have tried yoga, exercise, meditating, hobbies, etc etc and I still feel this way. It's like I'm trapped inside myself and inside this job that I am so afraid of. I have also applied for several other nursing jobs in the community, but that was just recently and I haven't heard back from any of them yet.

...I can't talk to anyone at work because it will come across as complaining and if my boss gets wind of it we get written up or fired. I am pretty desperate at this point. I barely have the motivation to get out of bed anymore. Normally I'm a generally happy person. I want to feel happy again."

That was me three weeks ago. Since then, I have sought help in counseling, have started medication through my doctor, applied for several jobs, and have gotten a few job offers. TODAY, I accepted a job offer at an inpatient rehab center at another hospital in my area, where the nurse manager is amazingly kind and the patient's aren't as acute.

Also, I called in to work today and resigned without giving notice. Part of me feels guilty, but another part of me knows it was justified. The job was killing me, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have plans now to write to my state's Senators and Congressmen regarding having a minimum patient nurse ration implemented statewide.

I have drafted letters to both the nursing administration office of my old job and to the hospital's CEO outlining my story. I hope that through telling my story I might be able to help improve conditions for those fellow nurses I leave behind whom I have come to love and care deeply about.

Don't ever let anyone tell you you are trapped in a job that is hurting you. You cannot take care of your patient's without taking care of yourself.

For the first time in months, I feel hopeful.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

Congrats on finding a new job that will hopefully be less stressful! Watch your back because acute rehab is still physically demanding and we have to protect our backs over a lifetime! I hope you have adequate staff and lift equipment at your new place.

I don't recommend nursing if you have a tendency to depression and anxiety because the job can really drain and overwhelm a person, the struggle between juggling multiple patients, high acuity and not enough time and staff to get the job done! There are other jobs out there that pay well and are less stressfull such as ultrasound tech or nuclear med tech where you are only dealing with one patient at a time. Granted you can transfer to ICU but are then dealing with very high acuity and sometimes even three patients at a time and usually without a nursing assistant so once again the back is at risk! I've even heard of nurses retraining into resp therapy since your only responsible for one aspect of patient care although still juggling countless patients at a time.

Just my opinion, but over the course of the many jobs I've had, I find male managers are usually better to work for than women, although in healthcare I think there are more female managers.

[SleeepyRN]

Congrats on finding a new job that will hopefully be less stressful! Watch your back because acute rehab is still physically demanding and we have to protect our backs over a lifetime! I hope you have adequate staff and lift equipment at your new place.I don't recommend nursing if you have a tendency to depression and anxiety because the job can really drain and overwhelm a person, the struggle between juggling multiple patients, high acuity and not enough time and staff to get the job done! There are other jobs out there that pay well and are less stressfull such as ultrasound tech or nuclear med tech where you are only dealing with one patient at a time. Granted you can transfer to ICU but are then dealing with very high acuity and sometimes even three patients at a time and usually without a nursing assistant so once again the back is at risk! I've even heard of nurses retraining into resp therapy since your only responsible for one aspect of patient care although still juggling countless patients at a time.Just my opinion, but over the course of the many jobs I've had, I find male managers are usually better to work for than women, although in healthcare I think there are more female managers.

I would never tell a nurse that nursing isn't for them if they have a tendency towards depression and anxiety. My depression and anxiety is well controlled with citalopram. I had not taken my medication for almost 2 months when I had my nervous breakdown. I've learned to never be inconsistent with my meds again. No one but yourself can tell you what you are and are not capable of. I had a friend tell me that I was not going to make it through nursing school and work (as a patient care tech in a Hospital) at the same time. I not only made it, but at the top of my class at that. I don't believe the capability to handle stress is something you either have or don't have. Its a continual learning process that you only get better and better at over time. Also, one doesn't have to have a history of depression to have a nervous breakdown. Under the right circumstances, it can happen to anybody. I may have my opinions, but I would never presume to know enough about somebody based off a post to tell a person that nursing is not for them.

[RNrls]

I agree with you imintrouble! OP when you have nurse for a long time you will understand this. I feel for you in this situation but you do not blow up bridges. You give your notice and move on. You sure don't wright complaint letters. Those managers there today may be your managers tomorrow! I guarantee that going to be a hard row to hoe.

[Garethaus]

Isnt it funny that sometimes those who provide nursing care of a certain standard to patients, don't apply the same standards to their own colleagues?

[RNrls]

I just thought of something. OP why did you not have your doctor give you an excuse and take a leave of absence. Also I wanted to add this, Nursing is a bitxx some days. When I leave a 16 hour shift some times I swear I'm not coming back. But I do.

[hotscrubs]

I agree with the first post!! Your job will never care about you or your mental state!! You have to care for you. I have a great job in a nicu but unfortunately ALL our managers are new at managing and therefore suck at it. I've been there a little over a year and although the job is good I'm leaving and can't wait. My reasons are different, it's not a good fit for me and my personality. I've come to terms with the fact that I really don't enjoy hospital based nursing. I've never had anxiety or problems managing stress but I do now. I don't think I'm cut out for the fast pace and stress of a lot of hospital jobs. Floor nursing in any department is hard and stressful and I'm the kind of person that would rather have a better quality of life then that. I'm seeking work at the public health dept. I still love nursing but I think we all have to find where we would best fit to do an awesome job. Running meds down the hall isn't for me. I wish it was because I dreamed of being a floor nurse but I have to be realistic about who I am and it's just not me. I love nursing for that fact. We can use our degree to work in so many different ways there is a place for everyone. I've even thought about school nursing. There's so many choices we don't have to be stuck at a crazy job where the stress will take us from nurse to patient, it's not worth it. I'm going on maternity leave in April and I'm not coming back! I'm so excited its the best decision I've made this new year!

[RNikkiF]

Good for you, Blue Roses! As nurses, we advocate for our patients, but we often seem to forget to advocate for ourselves (and each other, as some of the responses indicate). If more of us had the guts that you do, maybe some of this abuse by facilities, management, other nurses and even support staff would stop.

I am in a similar situation to what you were in. Toxic environment, heavy loads, highly acute patients, and in my case, few resources because I work in a stand-alone facility with no resources. A code usually means a call to 911.

I'm constantly stressed and find myself taking it out on my family. I would quit today if I had another job lined up, but I haven't been at this facility too long and I have to stay for at least a year. Long story, but I have to "clean up" my resume... nothing bad, just a few moves from one part of the country to another, so it looks bad on my resume.

Not only that, but I am my family's main breadwinner, so the pressure of that keeps me in one place. There are days that I am sure I won't be able to make it through the shift, but luckily, most of my co-workers are great (there are some REALLY bad ones that I wish would just quit) and that makes it a little easier some days. By no means does having good co-workers erase the anxiety and stress, but at least having someone there who has my back helps a little.

Good for you for going after what you want. Leaving without notice may come back to you later, but you can overcome it by being honest and explain why you left without throwing the facility under the bus (as much as they might deserve it)... leaving with no notice once isn't going to completely derail you, especially since you already have another job lined up. Just stay at that one for a while and you'll be in the clear.

[ktwlpn, LPN]

I hope you don't find yourself blackballed in the future,nursing is a surprisingly small pond and your manager is a bigger fish then you. We should all remember that FMLA is available and it is for our protection,use it.

[Roseyposey]

I am glad that you are taking care of yourself; I hope your new job works out better for you. I would sit on those letters for a while. Writing our thoughts down can be extremely cathartic and healing; however, don't underestimate the damage the hospital and your manager can do to your career. Leaving with no notice was probably not the best move, but it is understandable that you had to do what was best for your health, but sending out those letters could be flushing yourself down the proverbial toilet and could ruin not only your new job, but also your reputation and future employment.

Good luck!

[netglow, ASN, RN]

If you must leave a job, then you must, and, you did just that. I'd not even give a moment's worry about that place - it was so bad. If circumstances were different, then you'd do the 2 weeks. I'd never give a month notice as some request, how ridiculous.

Really, always remember this: Nursing is just a job, no more special than anyone else's job in the scheme of the world turning. Own your life and think, who the crap outside of nursing would put up with that kind of garbage you had to deal with???? Nobody I know. Screw them. After all, they can get as threatening as they please, but most of us have enough evidence about some of our employers, that would cause quite a stir. I know I do about a few.

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

Excuse me, but this is not necessarily all about a "toxic" work environment (gawd, I hate trendy terms like that). The OP said that she has a previous (undiagnosed) psych history and knows that she's losing it. Staying up all night to make sure her fiance is still breathing? Really? For all anyone, including she, knows, the "toxicity" she was feeling might have been a result, not a cause, of her breakdown.

Congratulations on leaving with the undertone of "now it'll all be fine" are premature. And for the record, two weeks' notice is standard. Just don't show up someday and you leave the people behind you to indulge in rumor and innuendo, and some of it may not redound to your credit.

For all the people who post here about how LTC is no damn picnic, I am dubious about this change of venue being a cure-all for her problems. I wish you the best, dear, I really do...but don't stop the counseling even if you feel better in the short term, because it looks like you'll need a much more solid foundation than you have now. You can have a couple of deaths in two weeks in LTC, too. The hospice nurses will tell you that every death brings memories and feelings of all the previous ones; beware. Be A-ware. Make sure your therapy specifically addresses this issue.

And as for the wedding: I've been to many, many weddings. The ones that are the most happily memorable were NOT the most expensive, complicated, fancy, huge, or gilded. No wedding is worth starting a marriage in debt or financial strain, especially when there's a little fragility going on anyway. Dial it back there, too; you will be really glad you did.

[Guest343211]

Well, regardless of whether or not people like the use of the cliche, "toxic environment," unfortunately, the term is often enough most accurate. I don't have the time to relate the number of toxic environments I have seen in healthcare over the years--not even if I were getting paid for listing them!!!

Holy cow. It's like these mid-managers read from the same script. "Life isn't always fair." They show they have their favorites-- usually those that help move them along their career trajectory in some way. There's little to no integrity in their economy of nurses as resources.

They are the "leaders" that want to make me puke my organs into my boots. They are the problem, and they will continue to be so, so long as their superiors embrace this approach to "leadership." Yea, yea, yea. They will give the right PC political-speak, but as another cliche goes, "actions speak louder than words."

I have seen some hospital, nurse-"leadership"-manipulated environments as well as staff-nurse-manipulated environments that are so toxic, the most psychologically healthy of people can be pushed to no longer think and act straight after being there for a while.

Unless there is a true move to legitimately cleaning up and healing the toxic place, the only sane solution is to get out. Sometimes the situation is so compelling that worrying about doing the PC thing in terms of references and burning bridges no longer matters. If it gets to that point, it may well be about immediate sanity and survival.

The key to the not-burning-bridges approach is to make an intelligent decision about the health of the environment sooner rather than latter. If, however, you stay too long without assessing this, you may end up putting yourself into survival mode, and then you just have to take your chances.

So, the adage of not burning bridges makes sense, but only when you make an intelligent, informed decision about the environment before you get too fried or burnt to a crisp. Sometimes that's easier said than done.

Good luck OP in your new role. Fly free and be well!