Suck It Up, Buttercup! Nursing When You Want to Cry

Julie Reyes, DNP, RN

I had the weekend off, the first in a long time. My husband and I decided to ignore the world (the kids at their friends' homes for sleep overs) and binge on movies. Leaving my phone in the kitchen where we had made our dinner, we escaped to the back room with our dinner, drinks, and several movies. It wasn't until almost midnight when we returned to the kitchen to clean up our mess, and I noticed my phone was blinking. I had many missed phone calls and text messages. I dialed my sister-in-law - the last one to call - and the first words out of her mouth were, "Dad had a stroke."

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had been drinking, and the fact that my parents live four hours away, I had to wait until morning to "rush" to his bedside. Finding my brothers and their wives waiting for me at the hospital, I pushed into his room and found my mom holding his hand. Of course, when mom saw me, she started crying all over again.

And there in the bed looking fragile and pale, lay my hero - my WWII Navy Vet who drove U-boats; my dad who once knelt down cradling my tear stained face and asked me, after my first fight in grade school, if I won; my counselor who listened to me cry when life didn't treat me "right". Fragile. Pale. He turned his head ever so slightly and held his hand out to me - the youngest and only daughter. I grabbed his hand and the strength and reserve that had kept me going until now rushed out in sobs.

This is not the first time, nor the last, that I have had to run to the hospital to see a family member with a medical emergency. Nor will it be the last time I have had to put aside my own personal angst in order to do my job.

How do we as nurses put aside our lives in order to care for those patients who are scared, frightened, anxious, and in pain? Do our own personal experiences make us better nurses? How do we go about providing care and assurance to our patients and their families without burdening them with ours?

As nurses, we focus on caring for the needs of others. We are taught in nursing school to show empathy and compassion, have professional boundaries (not discuss our personal lives and problems with our patients), and act in a professional manner at all times. So - HOW do we DO it???

I have found that I have to compartmentalize my life. When I walk in through the doors at work, my home life is no longer the compartment I am working in, that door is closed until I walk out of those doors at the end of the day. Likewise, when I walk out the doors at work, that is exactly where work stays - all of the drama, heartaches, craziness -inside those walls and I, after years of working on it, do not bring that home to my family.

I will say that is not always easy. For instance, one time I found out some particularly devastating news about a family member who was making choices that were destructive and shattering to my family. Knowing there is nothing that I could do about the situation, I had to return to work the next day, but my heart was breaking as I felt the weight of the world crushing me. Try as I might, I was losing my battle at work with keeping my tears in check - often ducking into the break room to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and wipe my face. I managed to do my job, but I didn't feel very effective. I decided to ask my charge nurse for a break and I called our hospital chaplain (who I adore and trust). She came immediately and listened to me have a mini-breakdown. After about 10 minutes of crying and blubbering, I felt better. I wiped away the tears for the last time, and went out stronger and more determined than ever to serve my patients. Once again, I was able to compartmentalize.

"Sucking it up" is not always easy. However, we are professionals. Our patients are the ones in crisis, and when we are at work, we MUST make them our number one priority. If we have a problem making it through the shift - do whatever it takes to make it right. From asking your manager/director for a few minutes to talk so you can vent, to possibly taking the day off if you absolutely cannot function in the professional capacity. We all need a personal day - and there is nothing wrong with that. If we - as a professional nurse - absolutely cannot do your job safely and keep your patient your number one priority - you probably should not be at work!

Nurses are a committed, tough, resilient, caring, loyal bunch - and we are able to cope with any number of situations. However, when it comes to a crisis in our own lives, it can sometimes throw us for a loop. Learning how to cope with our "stuff" is vital. Sometimes at work, I feel like that old poster of a duck on the water - all cool and collected above surface - but paddling like hell below the surface. I don't particularly think there is anything wrong with that. I am determined to provide every skill and all of my attention to my patient, and treat them exactly how I would have my family member treated in the same situation.

I have stuff to deal with, like every nurse out there. We all have a story to tell, a crisis to crawl through, and a hell we may be living in, at any given time in our career. Are we able to hide that under the surface in order to be professional? Do we know how to cope, or what strategies are available to us, to keep us from cracking under pressure?

Figuring out your strategy now can be crucial for future reference. You need to have a pool of information to draw upon so that one day, God forbid, you should have to go through trial by fire and have to provide care to a patient when you yourself feel like you could just curl up in a ball and cry. If you are a nurse who already has had to deal with a situation of tucking away your personal life in order to deal with your patient's crisis, please share your strategies!

New South Wales Nursing Association cites 10 things nurses should do in stressful situations. I think these tips are important enough to share and some can be used when our own life makes it hard to work:

Try to:

Keep things in perspective
Share your worries with families and friends
Clear up misconceptions - increased knowledge helps alleviate fears
Do not be too hard on yourself
Worry will not solve anything; confront your problems and figure out how to solve them
Set realistic goals for yourself
Eat healthy and get regular exercise
Utilize the relaxation techniques you were taught in nursing school!!!
Think positive; enjoy new experiences; have fun with friends and family
Be realistic - it is normal to have setbacks but they can be overcome

On the day my world seem to fall apart when I grabbed my father's hand after his stroke, I probably would have wanted to scream if his nurse came in and started telling me about her problems. Instead, she was professional and caring. She calmly provided information and made us all feel like my dad was getting the best care. She was an amazing nurse. I don't know if she had any issues in her own life, but if she did, she kept them to herself. She made my dad her number one priority. I appreciated that.

Reference

NSW Nurses' Association. (2006). Stress management for nurses. Retrieved from: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/nursing/Publications/stress-mngt.pdf

jojo489 · Jul 6, 2015

That is a great article. Thank you. Best wishes to you, your father and your family.

The other night, about an hour before I had to leave for work, I had a little mini melt down and cried to my boyfriend for a while. When the clock struck ten pm, I dried my face and told him I needed to get ready. While in the shower, I had one more good cry then dried it up. I came back to our bedroom all back to normal. I blasted my music on the way to work, sung my heart out, and walked in to a crazy night. But I kept my stuff together.

On my first break, I walked outside to a text message from him, saying that he admires how strong I am, and the fact that I can drop my metaphorical baggage at the door when I walk in to my patients.

Truth is, the duck metaphor is often the truth, for a lot of us, I feel. I've been practicing since the age of 18 how to leave that stuff at home. Before I was a nurse and was a direct care aid, hell even before then when I was a waitress, I had to find a way to leave it at home.

And as OP said, sometimes you just can't and you need a break or to go home. I remember one night, working in the group home. My ex boyfriend was deploying for the first time and I thought I could handle it. My shift started at 2, his plane boarded at 4, and I lost it. I was inconsolable. My boss at the time was very understanding and is to this day a good friend of mine. She sent me home and covered the remainder of the shift herself.

I guess my point here is that even the best of us have moments where we can't hide what we're feeling. So as OP said, it's okay to take a break and vent or cry or even go home if you need to. After all, we are human.

Julie Reyes, DNP, RN · Jul 6, 2015

Jojo- that was inspirational for me! Thank you for sharing!

dream'n, BSN, RN · Jul 6, 2015

Not being negative, but I really dislike the title to this article. The statements; "Suck it up Buttercup" and "Put on your big girl panties" push my buttons. They belittle another's feelings or experience.

Of course I agree that a nurse that is unable to focus on her work should not be there. Nurses need to practice self-care, and at times that may mean taking some time off of work for therapy or to just get things situated. Supervisors and coworkers need to be supportive, as nurses are only people too. Sometimes we as nurses are much harder on ourselves and our coworkers than on everyone else in the world.

I've witnessed nurses having some seriously traumatizing events occur in their lives and to tell them to "suck it up" is to discount them as people.

Red Kryptonite · Jul 6, 2015

Not being negative' date=' but I really dislike the title to this article. The statements; "Suck it up Buttercup" and "Put on your big girl panties" push my buttons. They belittle another's feelings or experience. [/quote']
No, they succinctly reflect the reality that most of adult life requires us to do our jobs and be effective in spite of our feelings. Feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and worked through at appropriate times and places with support people, but like the article says, the family members of a stroke victim don't care about or need to know their nurse's feelings about her life, and it would be cruel for her to turn the focus away from the patient and onto her. Children don't care if their parents are sad or tired or sick, they still need to be fed and have their diapers changed.
Suck it up, buttercup is just shorthand for the fact that we should all know: being a grownup means almost nothing is ever about you.

**tnbutterfly - Mary, BSN, RN** · Jul 6, 2015

The OP shared a very personal story, including her feelings and vulnerability. I don't believe she wrote this with the intention of belittling or minimizing anyone's feelings or experiences.

The "Suck it Up" attitude is one that many times comes from what is instilled in us as nurses......by our schooling, our employers, society, etc. As nurses, we are expected to carry on.....put the patient first.....when indeed there are many times when we need to put ourselves first. It is hard to care for others when you are hurting inside.

Thanks for a great article, Julie!!

Purple_roses · Jul 6, 2015

There was one shift that was particularly difficult. A friend had just died, I hadn't slept in a couple days, and then I had to go to work. I narrated the day in my head to keep my focus: "I am walking to this room now to get this. I am helping Mrs. XYZ with this." It worked pretty well. As soon as I got to my car, waterfall--I didn't even have my keys in the ignition yet.

I also find myself having a hard time caring about other people's problems when I'm grieving. For instance, I work with the elderly, and they often complain of how hard life is when you're old (which I do not normally have a problem with!). But I would find myself thinking, "at least you've made made it this far. What I wouldn't give to see so and so at your age." So needless to say I'm still working on this whole "sucking it up" thing. It's hard.

Red Kryptonite · Jul 6, 2015

I think you did fine, Purple. It's not that you don't feel the feelings, you just put them in their place until a more appropriate moment. As to the compassion deficit while grieving, totally understandable. We're not robots, and God forbid the day we're replaced with them.

Julie Reyes, DNP, RN · Jul 6, 2015

Not being negative, but I really dislike the title to this article. The statements; "Suck it up Buttercup" and "Put on your big girl panties" push my buttons. They belittle another's feelings or experience.
Of course I agree that a nurse that is unable to focus on her work should not be there. Nurses need to practice self-care, and at times that may mean taking some time off of work for therapy or to just get things situated. Supervisors and coworkers need to be supportive, as nurses are only people too. Sometimes we as nurses are much harder on ourselves and our coworkers than on everyone else in the world.
I've witnessed nurses having some seriously traumatizing events occur in their lives and to tell them to "suck it up" is to discount them as people.

Interesting - maybe you didn't read the articles. They were all words that I have said to myself or had said to me. It is about real life, about MY life. Sorry you don't like the titles of my articles, but with so many other great articles on AN, I am sure you can find one that you will approve of. Happy hunting!

Libby1987 · Jul 6, 2015

I just witnessed both types of reactions.

Distraction can be very dangerous.

dream'n, BSN, RN · Jul 6, 2015

I read the article. And I said that I agreed that a nurse that is distracted by her personal life does not need to be working at that time. But "suck it up buttercup" is demeaning and rude. Your father having a stroke is heart wrenching, but I've seen nurses deal with rape, abuse and murder of family, and burying their child that passed from SIDS.

And actually my life is about ME and MINE. When I work I focus on work and am a professional, excellent nurse; but I certainly don't need to be told to suck anything up or to put on my big girl panties. Would you say that to a patient; no. Then why on earth do think it ok to say to a someone else.

Libby1987 · Jul 6, 2015

I just recently witnessed somebody who had a non tragic issue going on, think happy but stressful life transition, be distracted and almost have a bad outcome with a patient.

She was behaving like a buttercup and did need to suck it up, it was a big lesson.

I don't think this was about nurses suffering tragedy in their personal lives but allowing personal issues to cause distraction and/or interfere with patient care. I *think* OP just used her father's situation as an example but it's not the sort that comes to mind for me.

Suck It Up, Buttercup! Nursing When You Want to Cry

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