Stress and Work Guilt

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So I have a history of severe, anxiety, depression, and some OCD. I got off my meds a few months back and as expected had some issues but thought I was doing okay for the most part. I've been doing a pretty crappy job of taking care of myself recently and I just started being a scrub in the OR after circulating for about a year. I went through the training, and I wasn't asked to scrub for about a month and a half when they said they needed me to scrub a day. I went in extremely nervous. The first case of the day, I felt a prick feeling on my wrist. I lifted my arm and realized I was leaning on my loaded suture needle. I checked my glove, no hole. I dithered abut getting a new needle. It would have had to go through my gown sleeve and glove. Also, I feel bad saying I was worried about how incompetent I was looking to the surgeon that day. I have made many mistakes before and owned up to them. At the end of the day, I inspected my arm extremely closely, and it looked like there might have been a small red spot in that area. I had a mental breakdown about it afterwards. I had to call out for work. It's several weeks later and I've just had another breakdown. I feel so guilty even though I know the patient is okay. I'm thinking about quitting as I don't feel like I deserve to be a nurse anymore. Does anyone have any advice? What should I do?

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Specializes in Critical Care | CCRN-CMC.

Keeping this reply to the minimum, here are few links that I think will help you on you're journey...

https://www.amazon.com/Positively-Unstoppable-Author-Diamond-Dallas/dp/1635650208

https://ddpyoga.com/

 

Good Luck ??

 

 

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JzK RN said:

Keeping this reply to the minimum, here are few links that I think will help you on you're journey...

https://www.amazon.com/Positively-Unstoppable-Author-Diamond-Dallas/dp/1635650208

https://ddpyoga.com/

 

Good Luck ??

 

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. The book you recommended looks like exactly what I need right now. I'm ordering it. ?

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Specializes in Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation.

As cliché and how typical this comment or advice may sound, first and foremost you should see your PCP for treatment of your mental health. Although I am not a MH specialist, I work with veterans as an NP and many of them have mental health conditions and many of them just need someone to talk. My encounters with them are very short, just that one appointment with them but many express their feelings, emotions, and past experiences to me even though I am not their PCP nor a MH specialist. I actually enjoy the encounters with my veterans and although I can't help them, just being able to sit and listen to their stories and their past has helped them in the slightest bit (at least that's what they tell me), I've never had to seek help for myself, but I am firm believer in the power of therapy. Just being able to expose yourself to someone or even the world can work wonders, just like how you are doing it here. Good luck.

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If you were stable on medications please re think having stopped them. So many times people will think they are better once they are on medications for an illness/disease process (of any kind) then stop the medications early or abruptly or over time, then find themselves back in the same situation or worse they were in before. 

There is ZERO shame in needing medications to live a balance, healthy life - no matter WHAT the medications are.

As someone who has personally dealt with decades of depression and anxiety I understand your low self esteem and thinking you are not "good enough" but please know that is not the case. 

As others have said, if you haven't already go see your doctor and while yes, therapy can be beneficial, sometimes medications are a life long necessity for stability and health.

Hope you are feeling better.

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Peachpit said:

If you were stable on medications please re think having stopped them. So many times people will think they are better once they are on medications for an illness/disease process (of any kind) then stop the medications early or abruptly or over time, then find themselves back in the same situation or worse they were in before. 

There is ZERO shame in needing medications to live a balance, healthy life - no matter WHAT the medications are.

As someone who has personally dealt with decades of depression and anxiety I understand your low self esteem and thinking you are not "good enough" but please know that is not the case. 

As others have said, if you haven't already go see your doctor and while yes, therapy can be beneficial, sometimes medications are a life long necessity for stability and health.

Hope you are feeling better.

Thank you! I just restarted my medication yesterday. I was very stable on it. In the past, I have had some outside pressure to get off of my medication, and I let it get to me. I wasn't ready. So thank you for saying there is no shame in needing it. Also, I am realizing that I really need to work on doing stuff outside of work. Nursing is my whole life. I've lived here over a year and a half and have zero friends. I don't do anything outside of work besides hobbies at home. I literally just go to work, go grocery shopping, and sit at home. My whole identity is being a nurse. Do you have any advice for getting out of the house and making friends?

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Specializes in Geriatrics.

If you had hypertension or type 2 diabetes would you stop taking your maintenance meds? Throw out your lisinopril and stop taking your insulin? That would be absolutely terrible to your health and well-being, risk of stroke and heart attack would sky rocket. The medication you were on for your depression was working, that's why you felt good enough to stop taking it. When you stopped, therapy stopped, the imbalances returned. Give yourself some grace. Mental health is just as important as physical health, they are both the same. You need to see your primary and get back onto your regimen. Remind yourself that this is an illness, just like high blood pressure, and treat it as such. There is nothing wrong with YOU. Your body has a disease like anything else. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. I feel like I speak for the majority when I say we are rooting for you and hope you get the care you deserve!

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vintagegal said:

If you had hypertension or type 2 diabetes would you stop taking your maintenance meds? Throw out your lisinopril and stop taking your insulin? That would be absolutely terrible to your health and well-being, risk of stroke and heart attack would sky rocket. The medication you were on for your depression was working, that's why you felt good enough to stop taking it. When you stopped, therapy stopped, the imbalances returned. Give yourself some grace. Mental health is just as important as physical health, they are both the same. You need to see your primary and get back onto your regimen. Remind yourself that this is an illness, just like high blood pressure, and treat it as such. There is nothing wrong with YOU. Your body has a disease like anything else. I wish you nothing but the best on your journey. I feel like I speak for the majority when I say we are rooting for you and hope you get the care you deserve!

Thank you very much for your support and your kind words! I am feeling much better now after restarting my meds. I also checked in yesterday with the resident on-call and he said no issues with any of our patients. Since our patients come for follow up visits, they are monitored and we hear about anything that goes wrong. I am so thankful they are okay!! I am trying to have grace with myself, but to do that I feel like I need to know my patient is safe. Also, though unlikely, I've decided to get a blood test to make sure I can't pass anything to my patient since that is what would normally be done in a needlestick situation. A coworker also recommended I speak up and tell them that I don't like scrubbing, and I want to focus on circulating. My mental health is my priority right now. Thanks again to everyone who responded! 

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Hugs. I'm sorry you're having a hard time and I hope you can learn to be kind to yourself. As a nurse for 40 yrs, I understand the nurse identity thing. But you are a human being first and there's a lot more to you than just nursing. What hobbies did you have when you were growing up? I've always had a hobby and now that I'm retired, I make jewelry. Maybe you could take a class in something that interests you. Meditation is helpful and there are group meditations that you could meet people in. Also, yoga is helpful for depression and anxiety. As a lifelong sufferer of depressed and anxiety, I find that walking helps a lot. Good luck to you ❤️

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