Suck It Up, Buttercup! Nursing When You Want to Cry

[Julie Reyes]

I had the weekend off, the first in a long time. My husband and I decided to ignore the world (the kids at their friends' homes for sleep overs) and binge on movies. Leaving my phone in the kitchen where we had made our dinner, we escaped to the back room with our dinner, drinks, and several movies. It wasn't until almost midnight when we returned to the kitchen to clean up our mess, and I noticed my phone was blinking. I had many missed phone calls and text messages. I dialed my sister-in-law - the last one to call - and the first words out of her mouth were, "Dad had a stroke."

Unfortunately, due to the fact that I had been drinking, and the fact that my parents live four hours away, I had to wait until morning to "rush" to his bedside. Finding my brothers and their wives waiting for me at the hospital, I pushed into his room and found my mom holding his hand. Of course, when mom saw me, she started crying all over again.

And there in the bed looking fragile and pale, lay my hero - my WWII Navy Vet who drove U-boats; my dad who once knelt down cradling my tear stained face and asked me, after my first fight in grade school, if I won; my counselor who listened to me cry when life didn't treat me "right". Fragile. Pale. He turned his head ever so slightly and held his hand out to me - the youngest and only daughter. I grabbed his hand and the strength and reserve that had kept me going until now rushed out in sobs.

This is not the first time, nor the last, that I have had to run to the hospital to see a family member with a medical emergency. Nor will it be the last time I have had to put aside my own personal angst in order to do my job.

How do we as nurses put aside our lives in order to care for those patients who are scared, frightened, anxious, and in pain? Do our own personal experiences make us better nurses? How do we go about providing care and assurance to our patients and their families without burdening them with ours?

As nurses, we focus on caring for the needs of others. We are taught in nursing school to show empathy and compassion, have professional boundaries (not discuss our personal lives and problems with our patients), and act in a professional manner at all times. So - HOW do we DO it???

I have found that I have to compartmentalize my life. When I walk in through the doors at work, my home life is no longer the compartment I am working in, that door is closed until I walk out of those doors at the end of the day. Likewise, when I walk out the doors at work, that is exactly where work stays - all of the drama, heartaches, craziness -inside those walls and I, after years of working on it, do not bring that home to my family.

I will say that is not always easy. For instance, one time I found out some particularly devastating news about a family member who was making choices that were destructive and shattering to my family. Knowing there is nothing that I could do about the situation, I had to return to work the next day, but my heart was breaking as I felt the weight of the world crushing me. Try as I might, I was losing my battle at work with keeping my tears in check - often ducking into the break room to take a deep breath, say a prayer, and wipe my face. I managed to do my job, but I didn't feel very effective. I decided to ask my charge nurse for a break and I called our hospital chaplain (who I adore and trust). She came immediately and listened to me have a mini-breakdown. After about 10 minutes of crying and blubbering, I felt better. I wiped away the tears for the last time, and went out stronger and more determined than ever to serve my patients. Once again, I was able to compartmentalize.

"Sucking it up" is not always easy. However, we are professionals. Our patients are the ones in crisis, and when we are at work, we MUST make them our number one priority. If we have a problem making it through the shift - do whatever it takes to make it right. From asking your manager/director for a few minutes to talk so you can vent, to possibly taking the day off if you absolutely cannot function in the professional capacity. We all need a personal day - and there is nothing wrong with that. If we - as a professional nurse - absolutely cannot do your job safely and keep your patient your number one priority - you probably should not be at work!

Nurses are a committed, tough, resilient, caring, loyal bunch - and we are able to cope with any number of situations. However, when it comes to a crisis in our own lives, it can sometimes throw us for a loop. Learning how to cope with our "stuff" is vital. Sometimes at work, I feel like that old poster of a duck on the water - all cool and collected above surface - but paddling like hell below the surface. I don't particularly think there is anything wrong with that. I am determined to provide every skill and all of my attention to my patient, and treat them exactly how I would have my family member treated in the same situation.

I have stuff to deal with, like every nurse out there. We all have a story to tell, a crisis to crawl through, and a hell we may be living in, at any given time in our career. Are we able to hide that under the surface in order to be professional? Do we know how to cope, or what strategies are available to us, to keep us from cracking under pressure?

Figuring out your strategy now can be crucial for future reference. You need to have a pool of information to draw upon so that one day, God forbid, you should have to go through trial by fire and have to provide care to a patient when you yourself feel like you could just curl up in a ball and cry. If you are a nurse who already has had to deal with a situation of tucking away your personal life in order to deal with your patient's crisis, please share your strategies!

New South Wales Nursing Association cites 10 things nurses should do in stressful situations. I think these tips are important enough to share and some can be used when our own life makes it hard to work:

Try to:

1. Keep things in perspective
2. Share your worries with families and friends
3. Clear up misconceptions - increased knowledge helps alleviate fears
4. Do not be too hard on yourself
5. Worry will not solve anything; confront your problems and figure out how to solve them
6. Set realistic goals for yourself
7. Eat healthy and get regular exercise
8. Utilize the relaxation techniques you were taught in nursing school!!!
9. Think positive; enjoy new experiences; have fun with friends and family
10. Be realistic - it is normal to have setbacks but they can be overcome

On the day my world seem to fall apart when I grabbed my father's hand after his stroke, I probably would have wanted to scream if his nurse came in and started telling me about her problems. Instead, she was professional and caring. She calmly provided information and made us all feel like my dad was getting the best care. She was an amazing nurse. I don't know if she had any issues in her own life, but if she did, she kept them to herself. She made my dad her number one priority. I appreciated that.

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Reference

NSW Nurses' Association. (2006). Stress management for nurses. Retrieved from: https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/nursing/Publications/stress-mngt.pdf

[citylights89, BSN, RN]

My Mom passed away at the hospital I work at. My co-workers came to check on her when I needed to rest. My personal life and work very much inter-twined. How about trying to separate THAT from the work day? I still can't go to that unit.

[morte, LPN, LVN]

It speaks to YOUR attitude, and I also find that saying crude and insulting.(QUOTE=Julie Reyes;8600224]Not sure where anyone thought this article was about anyone telling anyone else to suck it up...if you read the intro: "Suck it up" is easier said than done - at least in my experience. Here is how this nurse learned to keep on keeping on, in spite of my own personal home life crisis.

Read it the way it was written....maybe you will recant the horizontal violence and ignorance statement....

[cinlou, BSN, MSN, RN]

Beautiful piece. Some of the responses are a good example of to much PC in our lives. When I am teaching I often tell my students that we are like actors, we leave one sad room and put on our happy faces for the next, then we leave work and hopefully let our feelings out, so we do not become bitter. I have said often that I used to have so much more fun at work, when we didn't have to worry about offending someone by something we said that may be our culture or upbringing. Yes respect, but also we should be able to support one another through issues.

[GaleSRN, BSN, RN]

I have been a nurse for almost 40 years. I can so relate. My life as a nurse was sometimes the only sane part of my life. So, when I was at work, I functioned at a high level, while at home not so much. Fortunately those bad times are past and my life is much more balanced now. I don't know how we do it, but most of us do. I think it comes with the decision to be a nurse. You just have that ability to function on different levels. Life is not always kind. When I lost my mother 2 years ago, I could barely function. When I went back to work, it was very hard. Fortunately I had a job that allowed me the ability to leave if I had to and I had a coworker who was able to pick up for me. (I, in turn picked up for her later during her own crisis.) But, I am a Nurse. I am a professional and I do what needs to be done.