Spouses have no idea what it takes!

[ArrowRN]

I am just so fedup with my wife wanting to squeeze more time out of me, possibly at the demise of my nursing school career. In the next few weeks I got like 3 or 4 papers that are due, I started them early and I was hoping to have 2 done this weekend. But no, yesterday my wife plans a huge birthday party for our daughter, which was fine. I gave that day up and just relaxed, cooked bar-b-que and chilled out. But this morning I woke up early and started on my papers and she was like "aren't you gonna help me clean up?" I told her I gave up my whole day yesterday and she should clean up cause I'm behind on my work, she got mad and was like she needs to do this and that. I just dropped my work and started cleaning, then she was like, why am I being so thorough with trying to clean the whole place she only wanted the dishes and kitchen and stuff off the floor but I added mopping and vacuuming. I was like gsss either the house has to be clean or dirty and we got a baby and the floor needs to be mopped. Anyways she left me to it,eat breakfast, fixed the kids breakfast, did not even make a meal for me and she got dressed and went of to church.

I am just so fedup off that spouses have no idea of the stresses nursing student have to go through and they think everything is all easy strolling. During my prereqs it was the same but I admit I was all into school and cut even birthday parties out of my schedule. Now that I am in nursing school I even sit and spend time playing with the kids, I taught my daughter how to ride a bike without training wheels and I was being more balanced but the wife keeps pressuring me for more of my time that I literally do not have! She had better not make it a choice between my career and her because my career is more important, not just for me, but it will help the entire family, especially considering the fact that she does not work. I already turned in one of my paper late 2 weeks ago when I was sick and the instructor was mad and cut 20points off I might not make it. Sorry for venting but this is getting ridiculous. I'm just about ready to move to the garage or somewhere to have some peace and get my work done. Oh did I mention I have an exam tomorrow on 8 chapters?

[ArrowRN, BSN, RN]

yeah well people may think I'm the one being an idiot but when I left my $18/hour job she knew it would be tough especially living on loans...The reason why I left the job was because I was waiting on her to get things together and I kept getting delayed and putting off school, then I finally got in. We living on loans and that used to stress me but I have since gotten over the bills part cause I know I only got a little over a year left. I spend way more time with her than I should. Last week I passed another one of my tests and I did not even study for it. I just don't know when my luck is going to run out with not being prepared for tests. The other thing is I want to be a good nurse and I really think I should be doing more. Even my single friends in school and those with no kids are wondering how I do it. For those with advice I will try to talk this out.

[SubSippi]

I don't have kids, but I'm married and my husband expects way more time and attention from me than I want to give on most days. He tries to be understanding and he's pretty supportive, but it's impossible to really understand unless you're going through it. It's best to talk, tell her what you need from her for support, and what she expects out of you. Talk about specifics, like actual days and amounts of time you need to yourself to study, and time she thinks you should be spending with your family, or specific ways she needs more of your help around the house. It's easier to reach a compromise where both people are happy that way, because saying you'll spend "more time" with your family may mean different things to both of you!

Even if you're irritated with her, try and see things from her perspective. She may just feel underappreciated or neglected, and that never feels good, even if you have legitimate and worthwhile endeavors taking up all your free time. Or maybe approach things from a different angel. Even if it IS her turn to clean, instead of just assuming that she will, because you think she should, maybe say something like, "Would you mind taking care of (x) today? I have (x)(y) and (z) to do for school tomorrow, and I really need this time to get it done." People tend to respond much more positively when they are asked nicely to do something, as opposed to someone just assuming it's "their job."

And remind her it's only going to last a couple of years!!!

[HisTreasure, BSN, RN]

While I can't relate completely, I do want to applaud your dedication to both your education and your family. You're a standup guy!

I've been with my husband 13 years. We have 4 children together, and I have 3 older step-children. We had 3 children under 2 when I went through PN school, and I remember being irritated that I had to have them in daycare (he was currently laid off at the time), but once I sat him down and told him how upset I was; how much pressure I was under, he really stepped up to the plate. That was 8 years ago, and he is still at the plate. He understands, clearly, what I need from him as a partner, and I remember to thank him consistently for what he brings to the table.

I told him that I was thinking about going back to school to become a doctor. I was joking. He turned to the kids and said: "Your mom is going back to school! It's about time... give her props!" And meant it. I'm not... I'm going for my BSN, but he's supportive, because he knows that the short-term sacrifices truly facilitates our long term goals. I am sure your wife is thinking of her own needs right now (I'm guilty of that sometimes!) but because she LOVES you, will be open to discussion. With a clear head, and NOT WITH AN EXAM ON YOUR MIND , tell her what you need from her. I have to believe she'll understand.

Again, kudos to you! Family man, male nurse, considerate of his wife's feelings... You are a good dude.

[Red35]

I'm sorry you are going through this....you need to sit her down and have a talk...sounds to me like she is bored and you are her form of entertainment.

I would sit her down and in a calm voice list the things you have to do (all homework assignments, papers etc)..then ask "So what would you like me to blow off to spend more time with you?" Maybe she will see that nursing school is hard and you aren't making this stuff up.

I'm lucky, my other half is a CPA and spent a year studying for the test-I understood and we didn't do much together for the year -now it's my turn..

Don't give up your dream!

[Lordswill]

I understand what you are going through. My situation is very similar. And a part of me wonders if I will be able to forgive when I'm done. I discussed the time I would need with my husband before I started the program and he was fine with it. But now I just don't know. I have 5 wks left in this semester and then next semester ill be done. I don't believe in holding grudges but I feel as if this was and he failed. I just don't know!

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It definitely can't be making school or home life any easier to have this conflict going on.

As far as strategies to deal with it, I agree with an above poster about reminding her that there are only [this many months/years until things will stabilize]. It would probably help both of you (not gonna lie, especially her) to really take in the fact that things are not going to be the same right now. This is a major transition for the both of you, and realistic expectations of this time period will only help make it easier. She wouldn't expect things to be quite as good, exciting, relaxing, etc. if you had just moved to another state, had another baby, or something else. Nursing school is the same kind of situation. Try to remind her of this - gently.

Another thing that might help is setting aside time each week for you two to just check in. Doesn't have to be forever - maybe half an hour. Talk about what you have coming up for the week: for you, what tests and papers and how much time you'll need for those, for her, appointments for the family, time to go grocery shopping/run errands, etc. Both of you tell each other what you need from the other to get those things done, then pull out a calendar and *write down* how you will do it. That way, when it comes time for you to study, it was agreed upon. When it comes time to help her clean up after a party, it was agreed upon. That way there are no surprises for anybody. And - easier said than done - try to throw in some special time for the two of you. "For an hour on Friday night, we will get ice cream and walk around the lake." "Sunday night, we will watch The Walking Dead." Whatever y'all will look forward to and use as motivation for the rest of the week.

Good luck!

[itsnowornever, BSN, RN]

Without reading the whole thread- I used a color coded calendar and scheduled in family time. Dinner, movies, the park, anything. My husband was very supportive, but this helped the kids understand what I was doing.

Posting from my phone, ease forgive my fat thumbs! :)

[nurseprnRN, BSN, RN]

For gawdsakes, don't get pregnant again. Be verrrrry careful about that.

Small things can mean a lot. On your way home from class, buy her a flower and hand it to her with a smile when you walk in the door. It won't cost you as much as a cup of coffee but it will mean a lot. Do it every week. Plus do it every time she accommodates your needs for time off from family to study-- positive reinforcement :) .

Have a free head-clearing walk to the playground to sit and watch the kids play in the sun.

Spring is coming-- free concerts outdoors.

Learn to do a five-minute meditation to clear your head. Seriously. It will calm you and also make your brain more receptive to the material you're studying. You don't need a class or anything-- you sit in a comfortable position (in the library, at home, in your car...). You close your eyes. You breathe slowly in and out through your nose, feeling the air as it goes past the end of your nose. That's all you do. If you find yourself opening your eyes, close them. If you find yourself thinking about something else, go back to feeling the air going in and out of your nose, slowly. After a few times, you will find it easier and more automatic, and you will be more refreshed and calm. It's like riding a bicycle. Once you get it down, it will always be there for you.

If you love your child, remember: The best thing a man can do for a child is to love her mother.

[4boysmama]

I hear what you're saying about being stressed (says the mama of 4 boys!) It's very, very difficult to juggle kids, spouse, and school. I've found that setting up a schedule each week that takes into account my husband and kids' plans really does alleviate a lot of the tension that would otherwise build up.

I do have to say though, that it seems like there might be more going on in your relationship than just school/schedule stress. I'd suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart with your spouse to make sure you're both on the same page in terms of the goals and more importantly, how you're both feeling about your value in the relationship.

[uRNmyway, ASN, RN]

I'll agree with other posters. The AN community, while being great at giving advice, we are NOT your wife. SHE is the one you need to be talking to. You need to calmly tell her how you feel. If you keep her informed of what you need to do on a daily or even weekly basis, it will be easier for her to know when she can ask you to hang out or help her in the house.

Here's another thing though. If she thinks this schedule is hard, as a nursing student, what is she going to do when you are working? What about those days when you get mandated? When you are completely exhausted and just want to pass out on your bed without even having a bite to eat? This is all stuff you need to put on the table now. Let her know what the expectations are now so you guys can plan and adjust to it.

[Jcgirl]

Do little things to make her feel wanted and needed. It doesn't have to be every day, but little things do help

[hodgieRN]

Dude, I went through the same thing as you. It is hard to balance the two. Like other people said, the best thing to is sit down and tell her. Just super calm and give your thoughts. I had to have the talk a couple of times. Try and lay down some rules for the two of you to follow. I'll do this if you do this.

One thing that might work is involve her in your studying. If you try and completely separate school from her, then will be some type of animosity and divide. My gf hated when I studied b/c I would lock myself in a room for the day. When I studied next to her or asked her to test me on my notes, things were easier. It doesn't matter what type of involvement you have with her, just as long as you are involved. Ask her to read your papers and give an overall response. It will show that you value her opinion. For tests, fill out flash cards and have her test you. With every 5 cards you get right, you get a prize...known what I mean. There's plenty of fun ways to stay involved with each other and have a healthy marriage. Do that and communicate, trust me, you're good.