Spouse Turning Nonsupportive During NP School

Nurses General Nursing

Published

I'm in graduate school to be a nurse practitioner. My spouse was supportive at first but since it is becoming an inconvenience to him he is getting resentful, starting fights, blaming me for being the one who wanted to go be a nurse practitioner, he's sick of all this nursing crap...etc., etc., etc.. It's stressing me out, I feel like I'm going through a change and evolving into a different person and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. We have children so it makes things a lot more complicated. I'm not exactly in love with nursing, I'm sick of going to school myself, but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture of what would be best for my family. I"m only 1/4 of the way through the program, so there's a ways to go. I'm the only one who works, pays bills, mortgage, and all living expenses, so I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled child who's dragging everything down. I just don't know what to do. I've definitely grown apart from my husband in so many ways, and I'm afraid of more frustration if I quit school so I'm more available to cater to him. I just don't know what to do.

Specializes in Gerontology, nursing education.
I'm in graduate school to be a nurse practitioner. My spouse was supportive at first but since it is becoming an inconvenience to him he is getting resentful, starting fights, blaming me for being the one who wanted to go be a nurse practitioner, he's sick of all this nursing crap...etc., etc., etc.. It's stressing me out, I feel like I'm going through a change and evolving into a different person and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. We have children so it makes things a lot more complicated. I'm not exactly in love with nursing, I'm sick of going to school myself, but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture of what would be best for my family. I"m only 1/4 of the way through the program, so there's a ways to go. I'm the only one who works, pays bills, mortgage, and all living expenses, so I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled child who's dragging everything down. I just don't know what to do. I've definitely grown apart from my husband in so many ways, and I'm afraid of more frustration if I quit school so I'm more available to cater to him. I just don't know what to do.

I think you have a couple of issues going on here. First, you have the obvious issue with an unsupportive spouse. Is he contributing anything to the family? Taking care of the children while you work and go to school? Was he on board for you furthering your education or was he initially supportive because he envisioned you bringing home a big, fat paycheck?

How was your marriage prior to you going back to school? Were things more equitable? Or have the changes come about because you're in school?

I'm in grad school, full-time, and my husband is supportive. However, there have been some tense moments, especially when he doesn't understand how time-consuming my program is and why I can't just take an evening off to watch TV. My husband is a veteran and has issues with PTSD, so he gets frustrated over little things very easily. That would be an issue regardless of whether I was going to school or doing something else. I would say that our marriage is good but there are times when I wonder if it would be less stressful if I could cloister myself away from the rest of the world until I get through. Grad school is stressful and tough even on the best marriages. :hug:

The other concern that stuck out in your post was that you said you aren't exactly in love with nursing and you're tired of school. Everyone gets like that sometimes. I love school and I am attending a great program but as I'm circling around the end of the semester, I'm tired, too. (I've also been through times in which I hated nursing, left for several years and did something else, but the interest remained and I find that I love nursing too much to ever want to leave again.) The thing is, there's a difference between being temporarily tired of school and being mentally and emotionally fatigued to the point that you honestly don't want to be in school anymore. Do you really want to be a nurse practitioner or do you feel you can't quit now because you've invested too much of your time?

Would you feel differently if you could cut back on either your work hours or your credit hours so that you have a lighter load? Or would that cause more resentment from your husband?

I am very sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, this is a story that seems to be pretty common here on AN.

Spouses (male or female) do need attention. My marriage is WAAAYYY more important to me than my nursing career or education. I would walk from nursing today if it got in the way. Greater financial gains aren't more important to me than the quality of interaction between me and my wife/kids. The idea that he needs to support the expansion of your career at the expense of time with you is laughable to me. I guess it just depends on what is important to you and what you value. My advice is walk from school unless you are already checked out of your marriage.

A lot of people on this site take nursing way to seriously. For me it's just a job, a paycheck to bring home to those who are important. I'll go dig ditches and live in an apartment tomorrow if my marriage was crumbling and that would help it.

Agreed! Devoting yourself to people who might not even spit on you if you were on fire and to an employer that would lay you off in a minute if they had to shave 100$ off their 100 thou plus a year paycheck seems not so bright to me. I am always a good employee and I love people but, I love me and my family first. If everyone would get devote themselves to their own family and get their own house straight first and put the rest of the people in their life second where they should be, imagine the world we would live in. I have found that many of the people that have things out of order, in my mind anyway, its because their home life is crazy and they cant get that under control so they devote themselves to something they feel they have more control of like work, It is sad.

The marriage is in a shambles as it is, if I lay out a semester or two it won't be to work on my marriage. I've had it after tonight, he's so mean I can't take it anymore.

So, that settles that. It's been a long time coming.

I don't hate nursing. I wanted to go into FNP but the school I am is strict about work experience and I didn't have enough experience working with children so I'm in the Adult/Gero NP track. Ideally, I would like to run a small rural clinic focusing on palliative care for older adults, maybe do home visits, kind of like hospice. I want to focus on education on determining when it is time to look toward end-of-life care options (way too many people, especially in rural areas, continue conventional treatment long past the point it will be of any benefit). Anyway, that is my long-term goal at this point.

If I had time to do something fun, I would love to get a certificate in Swedish massage and be able to integrate that into my practice. But I've got to keep my nose to the grindstone. Bills to pay. I'm lucky as it is to get the money to pay for school through subsidized loans. I don't want to do anything to blow it.

Well, I guess a little TMI. But I believe I have a better idea of what direction to take now. Thank you for all the replies.

Maybe seek professional help? I believe that there should be mutualism. If you do everything and he still wants more and more, there is really a problem.

I believe that money shouldn't be everything but everybody needs some money to survive. And believe me, when you're hungry, love won't keep you alive.

Specializes in ED, ICU, Education.

Unless he is the "stay at home" dad for your toddler or younger, he needs to get a job. Just because he is not supportive of you doesn't mean your marriage is failing. Have you taken the time to ask him why he has been treating you this way? It appears he may be jealous. And if you are having doubts about your career choice, then now is the time to make a change for yourself before your throw away $50K! Believe it or not, you are the most important person in your life and if you're not happy, your family won't be either. Best of luck.

Specializes in Corrections.

Since when did the idea of a new career become more important than an already existing marriage, family, and kids?

Specializes in CTICU.

Sometimes moving into a different phase of your life makes you see that your current spouse is not right for you. People aren't automatically "the one" just because you marry them - it's a decision you both make every day and you either grow together or grow apart. I'd take a good long look before doing something irreparable though - stress and financial issues can make things crappy for any couple.

Need to get this man talking about what is really going on with him. As far as school goes, if that is really what you want to do it is better to continue. If you give it up now life will always interfere and the possibility of getting through school will diminish.

Specializes in Psych, EMS.
Since when did the idea of a new career become more important than an already existing marriage, family, and kids?

I think we're framing this differently. No one is suggesting that graduate school is a bigger priority than family and chidren. IMO..The problem is the pattern of invalidation and a lack of support. This reflects upon the marriage, has little to do with school and/or career plans.

Specializes in Corrections.

With all due respect, kids and the marriage come before a career. Becoming an NP is not worth the sacrifice if you have to give up the chance at a normal family life. Personally, and I know its brutally honest, but if I knew the NP I was seeing for my medical needs gave up on her family and husband and related problems, I would seriously think twice about seeing that NP for my medical needs. She sounds like she is willing to give up on those things which should theoretically be most important to her; thus, how can she treat the patients and their myriad of problems without giving up on them.

I remember going through nursing school and watching many previously "ok" or "solid" relationships go by the wayside due to infidelity, abuse, not being "supportive" enough, etc. Its the same old trend of nurses giving up to easily or putting up with too much personal drama.

Put your own house in order before you try to put your patients houses in order, please. Dysfunctionality breeds more dysfunctionality, so focus on your family life first and then worry about finishing school.

Effectively, put NP school on hold and try to work on your marriage and kid related problems, if at that point everything falls to pieces rebuild your life and move on and factor NP school into the gameplan at that point.

Specializes in mental health, military nursing.

Marriage counseling! This isn't about nursing or about career goals. This is about your relationship, and it DEFINITELY sounds like you could use a marriage counselor.

Believe me, there is no repairing anything, it's been 15 yrs of very unhappy times. He has many emotional issues and counseling has never helped. But it's over. And luckily, my education won't be $50,000, more like $16,000.

+ Add a Comment