In ohio when you are denied the alternative program you can reactive until they decide how to discipline you. They can also immediately suspend your license if you choose to reactivate and they believe you are dangerous. On one hand you might get into a new job that will support your through your contract but on the other you look bad for immediately jumping back into a drug-ridden work place.
I diverted and was caught. I may never be able to work again.. I have a criminal and license lawyer and am so tired of thinking about this. I have no idea what is going to happen on the criminal side and the nurse side? Complete revocation to a 2-5 year contract with temporary- permanent restrictions. I am so tired of the shame. Tired of the sadness from complete rejection by all of my coworkers (out of site, out of mind). Tired of feeling like the scum of the earth (I feel like everyone knows!).
I know I need to start attending AA/NA where i can find true support from those who understand but I am really struggling with but I just can't do it yet. Daily life and getting my sad butt to the once a week three hour alcohol and drug class is completely draining me.
I go back and forth of what I think I need to do for MYSELF but then I think the BON wants me to do. I am trying to look good for them by 'behaving'. I am not using at all and don't want to, reading about addiction, reaching out to the three loved ones that know, and trying so hard to look at the positive. I know I need to worry about me but I cannot for the life of me get them out of my head. This is all consuming and exhausting.
Just venting in a completely frazzled disjointed way.. :)
