Smoking around child w/resp. problems

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Specializes in Anesthesia.

Okay, I'm going to try to make a long story short. My soon-to-be husband has two wonderful children (ages 7 and 9) from a previous marriage. We share custody (50/50) with his ex-wife and her husband. My fiance's son has had moderate to severe respiratory problems since birth due to the fact that the mother smoked throughout the pregnancy. He is on several PO medications and has nebulizer treatments every night before he goes to bed.

Here's my issue: Their mother continues to smoke (like a freight-train) around the children, including inside the house and in the car with them, and my fiance says nothing about it!!! This infuriates me!! :angryfire Now, my fiance is a nurse as well and he obviously knows the dangers associated with this, especially with his son having so many respiratory problems. When I bring it up his reply is, "I've tried talking to her about it before and she just gets pi--ed off. She's an adult, there's nothing I can do about it." The kids and their clothes, toys and backpacks reek of smoke everytime they come back from their mother's house. What should I do in this situation? Am I overstepping my boundaries? Should I just leave it alone? My main concern is for the health of the children. Any and all thoughts and replies will be appreciated! Thanks!!!!

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Not much, I don't think. We are mandated reporters for abuse and neglect, but this one sits on a very thin line. You could make an anonymous call b ut don't expect much in the way of results.

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Specializes in NICU, PICU, educator.

First, smoking during pregnancy does not equal getting asthma. It can cause a smaller baby, or a preemie who can have lung problems.

Second...we send kids home to people like that all the time. I am sure her peds has said something to her. Not a whole lot you can do, esp. if he isn't going to say anything. The county will basically laugh and say that they have better things to look into. Sorry.

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.

The issue of secondhand smoke is passionate to me. After all, I grew up in a household where both parents smoked indoors. I now suffer from thyroid problems after years of breathing in secondhand fumes that contained cyanide. The cyanide altered my thyroid function. As a child I was constantly sick with colds 4 times yearly, ear infections, and other little ailments that suddenly disappeared once I moved out of mom and dad's house.

My statements may be judgmental, but here it is. If anyone were to approach my mom and dad to nicely inform them of the health risks associated with passive smoke, they would have responded, "Don't you dare tell me how to raise my kid!" They would have become defensive, possibly vulgar, and talked around the issue. My parents knew secondhand smoke was harmful, but their cravings for nicotine were stronger than their concern for my health.

Most parents, in this day and age, are aware that passive smoke is bad for children. Any parent who knowingly smokes in the home or car around their kids is being purely selfish. You can flame me if you wish, but I believe this to be the truth. The mother of your fiance's children knows she is harming them, but fulfilling her cravings for nicotine is more important to her.

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this is a tough situation on different levels. that poor boy doesn't need his respiratory ailments exacerbated by his mother's smoke. it's too bad she doesn't get that. the boy needs an advocate.

is the visitation court-ordered or was it mutually agreed upon at the time of divorce?

you can say something, knowing there probably will be repercussions. i'm a step-mom and when my step-son was young, i was extremely vocal with certain issues and my husband wouldn't say 'boo' for fear of rocking the boat. so i was the bad guy. i took those chances when i stepped forward and raised hell. but it was worth it as these were pertinent issues that affected my step-son. and yes, i rocked the boat. and i'd do it again. but that's my nature; i don't care if i ruffle feathers (could you tell?;) ). if you do get involved, just make sure your future husband knows and ask for his support. best of luck to you and your step-son.

leslie

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Specializes in Anesthesia.
My statements may be judgmental, but here it is. If anyone were to approach my mom and dad to nicely inform them of the health risks associated with passive smoke, they would have responded, "Don't you dare tell me how to raise my kid!" They would have become defensive, possibly vulgar, and talked around the issue. My parents knew secondhand smoke was harmful, but their cravings for nicotine were stronger than their concern for my health.

Most parents, in this day and age, are aware that passive smoke is bad for children. Any parent who knowingly smokes in the home or car around their kids is being purely selfish. You can flame me if you wish, but I believe this to be the truth. The mother of your fiance's children knows she is harming them, but fulfilling her cravings for nicotine is more important to her.

No need for flaming. I agree with you 100%. It's just very frustrating for me to sit back and watch this happen, but it seems like my hands are tied. I guess I just needed a place to vent. Thanks for the response!!!

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Specializes in Anesthesia.
is the visitation court-ordered or was it mutually agreed upon at the time of divorce?

my husband wouldn't say 'boo' for fear of rocking the boat.

leslie

The custody arrangement was mutually agreed upon at the time of the divorce and it actually works out fairly well b/c we only live a few blocks away from the mother. As far as rocking the boat goes, you definitely hit the nail on the head!!! There are other issues that concern my fiance and I as well, but he has learned through experience that if he pushes his ex-wife the wrong way or too hard, it only ends up hurting the kids in the end. This is why he bites his tongue on the smoking issue. Thanks for the support!!!

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the dad could always call his son's pediatrician and share his concerns. then the burden would be put on him/her to talk w/the mom. and the dr. wouldn't worry about offending anyone but rather, help advocate for his pt.

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"I've tried talking to her about it before and she just gets pi--ed off. She's an adult, there's nothing I can do about it."

That is NOT TRUE.

She might be an adult but she DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to inflict second-hand smoke, FULL OF DEADLY TOXINS, on those innocent children. That just burns me UP!!!!!

My ex-husband suddenly started smoking - IN HIS HOUSE - after we got divorced.

When my kids were there, they came home smelling of smoke. :angryfire Not only that, but his new girlfriend smoked around my children and they stunk. I told him that if they want to smoke - FINE! - STEP OUTSIDE. But do not - under ANY circumstances! - expose MY children to deadly toxins!

There is absolutely no excuse - ANYTIME, ANYWHERE - for this. If a parent wants to smoke, they can step outside. No way should they smoke in a car.

Of course, he didn't comply willingly.

I told my lawyer and we had to take him to court - had a hearing in front of some court-appointed person, but I got a COURT JUDGEMENT that he (or anyone else) could NOT EXPOSE THE CHILDREN to second-hand smoke.

Don't let anyone tell you you can't do anything about it.

You can, and I did.

It's just a shame that you have to take people to court to get them to act like responsible adults. :angryfire :angryfire

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Specializes in Case mgmt., rehab, (CRRN), LTC & psych.
She might be an adult but she DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT to inflict second-hand smoke, FULL OF DEADLY TOXINS, on those innocent children. That just burns me UP!!!!!
This issue burns me up, too. However, I read a recent statistic that 43 percent of all American children live with one or more smokers. That is almost 1 out of every 2 children being exposed to carcinogens and that awful stench. After reading those stats I can only conjecture that millions of other selfish parents are smoking in enclosed spaces and in the presence of their children.
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Specializes in Anesthesia.

I agree with you Town. My mother has smoked my entire life, but never once have I seen her smoke in the house around my brother and I. If she ever lit up a cigarette she would ALWAYS step outside. Even though she chose to smoke, she was responsible enough to know that she shouldn't be exposing her children to it's harmful effects. Like I said though, there are a multitude of other problems with my fiance's ex-wife that we would love to take issue with, but we decline to do so b/c we know it is the children who will incur her wrath. Such a frustrating situation. Oh, and to add insult to injury, her husband smokes as well.....so when the kids are with her, you get two for the price of one. :angryfire

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Specializes in Telemetry, ICU, Resource Pool, Dialysis.

LIke other posters have said, you seem to be between a rock and a hard place! I'm so sorry for you and your step-son. I think that you need to work on your fiance some more before anything can be done. If it ended up being something that went to court, I could see a judge strongly seeing things in your favor, expecially given your step-son's respiratory problems. But you're going to have to have the full support of your fiance. You may have to chip away slowly to make him realize that whatever difficulties his ex chooses to cause will be mild in comparison to his son's future health and well-being.

I will admit to being a smoker (spank, spank), but in 19 years, I have never smoked in the house around my kids. I'm not sure I can even comprehend why someone would continue to do so while their own (or even someone else's) child is hacking and needing daily nebulizer treatments! I soooo understand your frustration, it's heartbreaking to feel like your hands are tied. Just keep plugging away in the hopes that you can get your fiance to realize this is one of those battles that are worth fighting.

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