Sexual harrassment or just an old creep?

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Ok yall so I need some insight. I've been working at my current job for almost 2 years. There is an older guy that works here, a pharmacist, in his 60s that has often chatted with me and I literally never thought anything of it. He's a very interesting individual. Used to work for the DEA part of FBI and raided drug neighborhoods and things of that sort. He was always friendly and spoke and I was friendly and spoke.

So now all of a sudden, it's dawned on me like, goodness he's down here a lot lately. Well he's coming down to my unit (ER) 4, 5, 6 times in a 12 hr shift and comes over and wants to talk. He's said "Hi beautiful" to me twice and once came up behind me a whispered really close to my face in what I consider a creepy way. He'll come down before his shift is over to say bye and talks to me like I'm his wife. It's embarrassing! My coworkers are like "Boy he's really on to you" and laugh. They'll even tell me if they see him so I can go hide somewhere. He looks for me they say, if he can't find me. I'm getting really tired of it and quite honestly I want him to go AWAY. I'm married in my 30s and am not interested dude. I am even giving him a straight face and he still isn't getting it. He said "You don't seem like yourself today. You're not as happy." Not only is it just getting old, I have work to do. what do yall think? I am overreacting??

Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
I don't think it's using your husband as an excuse. It's telling the truth. By saying I'm happily married, you tell the other person that you are not interested and will not ever be interested because you are in love with someone else.

This can easily be misconstrued as "I WOULD be interested, but alas, I am married. But maybe if you woo me enough..."

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Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
A doctor friend once commented that he thought a co-worker of mine was flirting with him, and that he wasn't interested at all. The funny thing was that this same co-worker had told me that she thought HE was "coming on" to HER. Simply a misunderstanding on both sides. Just keep being friendly but professional.

A great example of "If only they had been direct with each other about their discomfort."

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Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
Any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable at work can actually be classed as sexual harassment, believe it or not. Back when I was with my ex-wife, she would casually mention me at work (she is an RT. I'm a woman and we were a lesbian couple). One of her coworkers complained about her because they were anti-gay and didn't want to hear my ex-wife mention me, even when she was just innocently talking about how we were gardening or something equally innocuous. Her manager actually wrote her up for sexual harassment based on that. She never mentioned sex or anything improper. It was just the fact she was with a woman and it made her coworker uncomfortable. Sad but true.

Ugh. That manager was wrong to write that complaint up as sexual harassment - it does NOT qualify as sexual harassment. The complaining employee was the one in the wrong, and should have been told so by the manager. :sniff:

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Can't agree more with the commenters who are encouraging you to be direct. But I would throw in a nod to your part in the dynamic, as in, "I know we've developed a very friendly relationship, but I need us to be just respectfully profesional going forward." I mean, up to this point you have been smiling and chatty and received his attentions. It's important to let him know in so many words there has been a change. When you stop smiling, he just thinks you're having a bad day. It wouldn't be reasonable to ask him to guess by the expression on your face on a certain day how welcome his presence is.

BUT I wouldn't speculate or ask him about what his intentions are, for a lot of reasons. He could say he's just being friendly. I wouldn't use specific behaviors like compliments or whispering - that invites misunderstanding or his going around your preferences with other overly intimate behaviors if he consciously or not doesn't "get it". I wouldn't hide from him, use hints or excuses (you're busy, people are talking, your husband wouldn't like it) or any reason at all, or he might perceive them as objections to be overcome rather than boundaries you are setting.

I wouldn't try to soften it with telling him he's a nice guy, or you're sorry, or if things were different, or anything else that will give him hope or perceived permission to try harder. I might say that it's not personal, but you need your work relationships to be. . . respectfully professional. The bottom line is in order for a relationship to be consensual, both people need to agree on the boundaries, and you could say just that. If he does have actual law enforcement background, once you float the word consensual he will understand very quickly.

I wouldn't escalate this before telling him. As others have said, that invites a he said/she said. I wouldn't escalate once you've told him unless he doesn't change his behavior; your goal I think is to get the unwanted behaviors to stop, not start a harrassment action unless one is needed. I would document the conversation, and any unwanted behaviors that happened after the conversation.

After the conversation, I'd set the professional tone by grteeting him just as you would your other co-workers and going about your day. If he comes to the floor and wants to talk, ask him if there's something he needs, then go back to what you were doing saying politely, "Excuse me, I need to go back to charting," or whatever. With all due respect for the socialization that women get to NOT be direct, to smile and hint and be compliant and wait for someone else to fix it, just talking about this behind his back and making him an object of ridicule is immature and unfair.

These kinds of interactions aren't comfortable for anyone. But look at it from his perspective; he has a wonderful friend at work he thinks there may be a chance there is more with. From his perspective, the flirting has been fun for both of you. You haven't done anything to let him know he's out of line other than showing him a straight face. Do the right thing for yourself, your unit, your management and him, and directly set a boundary.

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
Any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable at work can actually be classed as sexual harassment, believe it or not. Back when I was with my ex-wife, she would casually mention me at work (she is an RT. I'm a woman and we were a lesbian couple). One of her coworkers complained about her because they were anti-gay and didn't want to hear my ex-wife mention me, even when she was just innocently talking about how we were gardening or something equally innocuous. Her manager actually wrote her up for sexual harassment based on that. She never mentioned sex or anything improper. It was just the fact she was with a woman and it made her coworker uncomfortable. Sad but true.

I know you are no longer together but I thought I would mention that your ex-wife could have fired back with a discrimination claim which I would have done since what she was doing did not meet the legal definition of sexual harassment but what the hospital did to her did meet the legal definition of discrimination based on her sexual orientation.

I've got a bunch of lawyers in my family and they love to talk about this stuff around the dinner table.

Hppy

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Specializes in Psych, HIV/AIDS.

Just a thought...could this guy be in the throes of dementia?

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In my opinion, this guy really likes you/interested in you and i know this because i have been in this position before. It starts as a nice/polite conversation with you just being nice/friendly, and these guys get the wrong impression. It is not your fault, it is just how they are. It sucks because this could ruin otherwise a good working relationship/work friendship. I also think that this has nothing to do with his generation- this man has a crush on you which is obviously not appropriate and he knows it. He may not even care that you are married. I would be direct and tell him not to call you beautiful- that sends a wrong message. " I would like to be addressed by my name please." Also, if he comes to chat when not expected, tell him-" Sorry, i have to run- I need to check on a patient...get supplies....etc". Just be your busy self. Also, whenever you can, mention your spouse in the conversation and that you are happily married. "My husband surprised me with this bracelet on our date last night!"

Technically, his behavior is sexual harassment, however, whether you report it or not is what makes a difference. I didn't report things i went though simply because i was able shut it down on my own being very clear with them. I also did not want to tarnish their reputation ( even if they deserved it) because I wanted to avoid drama/scandal at work. But then again, i am too nice and just want peace. What you do is up to you.

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Specializes in Pediatric Critical Care.
Just a thought...could this guy be in the throes of dementia?

What makes you ask that? What I mean is, is there something besides his age that makes you wonder it?

I'm just curious because to me, dementia is nowhere near as likely of a cause for this as the possibility that he just doesn't realize that he is making OP so uncomfortable.

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Specializes in Psych, Addictions, SOL (Student of Life).
In my opinion, this guy really likes you/interested in you and i know this because i have been in this position before. It starts as a nice/polite conversation with you just being nice/friendly, and these guys get the wrong impression. It is not your fault, it is just how they are. It sucks because this could ruin otherwise a good working relationship/work friendship. I also think that this has nothing to do with his generation- this man has a crush on you which is obviously not appropriate and he knows it. He may not even care that you are married. I would be direct and tell him not to call you beautiful- that sends a wrong message. " I would like to be addressed by my name please." Also, if he comes to chat when not expected, tell him-" Sorry, i have to run- I need to check on a patient...get supplies....etc". Just be your busy self. Also, whenever you can, mention your spouse in the conversation and that you are happily married. "My husband surprised me with this bracelet on our date last night!"

Technically, his behavior is sexual harassment, however, whether you report it or not is what makes a difference. I didn't report things i went though simply because i was able shut it down on my own being very clear with them. I also did not want to tarnish their reputation ( even if they deserved it) because I wanted to avoid drama/scandal at work. But then again, i am too nice and just want peace. What you do is up to you.

I posted the legal definition of sexual harassment; This man's behavior as described to this point does not meet that legal definition. Even if he is flirting it's not sexual harassment until he is told it makes the recipient uncomfortable and to stop. The fact that the OP previously welcomed his contact until he called her beautiful is more of a boundary violation rather than a harassment claim. His attentions while unwelcome are not harassing in nature until he has been told to stop and continues anyway.

Hppy

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So it's the fact that a woman is married and in love that makes her not want unwanted attention?

A single, not in love woman, would be more amenable to unwelcome attention?

Or perhaps all human beings, women and men, completely independent of their marital status, have a right, and probably an expectation, to not be subjected to creepy behavior.

I know, it's a radical thought.

Why would any woman feel like she owes an explanation to the person whose attention she doesn't want.? Why isn't I don't want this sufficient in your eyes?

Why feel the need to explain how in love you are with your husband? The husband thing is in my opinion clearly a crutch when one is uncomfortable with assuming full accountability for the rejection of the person's advances/attention/behavior.

I reckon there are a few people in this thread who won't be helping the next generation of women be assertive and know their own value. That's pretty sad.

Yes, that was absolutely appalling.

@Rocknurse. My "like"of your post was of course offered as support. I didn't like the contents which I hope and trust you know.

No, not at all. I'm just stating that saying you are happily married is not a husband excuse. Nor does it make you the "little woman". And no, a single woman is not supposed to want or endur the attention. You are reading way, way too much into my words. Way too much.

I've received unwanted attention both single and married. I've always been direct. One was considered sexual harassment by a boss at work and he was fired. I was a mere 20 years old, but I handled it on my own. But if it was just someone coming on to me, as a single woman I would reply I wasn't interested. Simple. If I'm married, I explain I am married. Nothing wrong with that. As I stated in an earlier post, I actually just dealt with this.

What I see as the problem is, the OP doesn't want to directly deal with it. Communication is a lost art these days. Some days, you just got put on those big girl panties and deal with things head on.

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Specializes in Psych, HIV/AIDS.

Julius Seizure, it was just a gut instinct. He could be just a dirty old man or dipping into his mega stash at the pharmacy.

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Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
In my opinion, this guy really likes you/interested in you and i know this because i have been in this position before. It starts as a nice/polite conversation with you just being nice/friendly, and these guys get the wrong impression. It is not your fault, it is just how they are. It sucks because this could ruin otherwise a good working relationship/work friendship. I also think that this has nothing to do with his generation- this man has a crush on you which is obviously not appropriate and he knows it. He may not even care that you are married. I would be direct and tell him not to call you beautiful- that sends a wrong message. " I would like to be addressed by my name please." Also, if he comes to chat when not expected, tell him-" Sorry, i have to run- I need to check on a patient...get supplies....etc". Just be your busy self. Also, whenever you can, mention your spouse in the conversation and that you are happily married. "My husband surprised me with this bracelet on our date last night!"

Technically, his behavior is sexual harassment, however, whether you report it or not is what makes a difference. I didn't report things i went though simply because i was able shut it down on my own being very clear with them. I also did not want to tarnish their reputation ( even if they deserved it) because I wanted to avoid drama/scandal at work. But then again, i am too nice and just want peace. What you do is up to you.

That's pretty much how I would do it. Give this guy plenty of not-so-subtle messages that he's barking up the wrong tree. If he still doesn't get it he needs to be told plainly that his behaviour is excessive and unwelcome. Then it goes to management.

I've never had problems nipping things in the bud. Save the big guns for last resort.

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