Senior RN Student w/ Jealous Husband!!!

Nursing Students Student Assist

Published

Hello All!!!

I am tired of keeping this to myself and suffering alone.

Here is a little background, my husband has a history of both emotional and physical abuse. Whenever I stood up, he pushed me down by reminding me of my past ( which is very, very painful ).

Before I started nursing school a few years ago, I had a horrible bout with major depression; I had no plans but knew that I needed to support my three babies (which are teens now). As I got more education, he became even more jealous. As long as I was depressed and dependent, he was happy.

Now that I am graduating next week, he needs me to "appreciate and respect" him because now I am "high on a horse." Last year, my husband and I argued and he was yelling about how I couldn't pay bills or keep a job - for heaven's sake, I was attending Nursing School (BSN program, mind you).

I literally scratched a hole in my head due to anxiety. True story...

While I was in my Pediatric rotation, I needed a little kid to do developmental tests on. He bought me a baby from his "friend."

The next day, he sat in front of the family and introduced us to his daughter - which was the child that he bought to me for testing!!! I was in RAGE; not only because of his infidelity but the way he introduced the child (whose mother has 5 other children and has been calling and hanging up).

I AM getting tested!!!

I can go on forever with this story, but I just need advise. Not on how I should divorce this creep ... but that I am on Workers' comp and get pennies; I was injured picking up a patient.

I can not pay to take the NCLEX and I want to start my career and my LIFE!!! His income is greater than mine and I have no family here. It is a very painful period in my life - along with it being the happiest. I am the first in my entire family to get a degree.

I am so stressed I just need you guys!!! :crying2:

Specializes in ER,ICU.

I sincerely hope that you have read and digested all the posts from these wonderful caring people who have taken the time to write to you. ( good example is the bug out bag). I too like many of the other responders survived more years than I care to admit, living with a verbal and psychologically abusive husband. I used to think that I was lucky because I wasn't physically abused like other "poor" wormen. I didn't realize that the emotional and psychological scars were just as painful and deep. I too had a "past" that I wasn't proud of and married my third husband (yep some of us just don't learn quickly) maybe because he was a deputy sheriff and seemed to represent a better life???? All I know is that so many of us in this difficult caring profession try so very hard to reach out and help others while refusing to see that we need help ourselves. After 13 years of his anger, drinking, accusitory attitude I was pretty much empty and used up, He would accuse me of screwing around all the time ( I didn't) wanted to know who I was seeing if I was a few minutes late (sometimes I would just wonder the aisles in the grocery store so I wouldn't have to go home yet), alienated my sister (the only relative I had close by), and pretty much alienated all friends because of his jealousy and insecurity. I didn't think I could ever leave him because he would have hunted me down and made my life miserable. My luck changed when he got the woman he was seeing pregnant ( I found out about that AFTER the divorce was final). Granted he had had a tough year with his mother and father both dying within a month or so of one another but his behaviour was getting worse. I didn't even pick up on some very blatent clues that he left (like the western shirt she bought him and the pair of tennis shoes that were a size too big that just happend to always be on display in the living room????). One day was particularly ugly and while I had given up trying to argue with him years ago ( he was louder and quicker meaner speaker) this time I just calmly told him that I would call the police.

When he countered with "there isn't a cop around who would believe you" , I answered "you just threatened my life" (which he had). He left that day, filed for divorce fairly soon thereafter and I was finally free. Please, please don't wait that long! Make a plan, be ready for all the worst senarios, but get out NOW!

Another thing that I found out after the divorce was that he had sexually abused my daughter from a previous marriage. I used to think that mothers that didn't know that was happening were stupid or part of the problem. It is a good thing I was in another state when I found that out!!!

By the way I am now happily married to husband #4 who is a dream! He loves me for myself, knows about my past and doesn't care and has a very healthy ego and does't need to "feel superior". Some of us are very slow learners. Don't be one.

RN 30+ years now retired!

Specializes in Geriatric, Alzheimer's, Psych, Wounds.

Borrow some money to take the NCLEX, or get a loan. Most banks will give you a personal loan - though if your situation isn't the best you won't get a good interest rate. Anything to get you on your feet and going. And take care of yourself. Get help from the cops etc if this even looks like it may turn for the worse. And no - I don't believe you're on a "high horse," I was told the same thing when I finished Nursing School. It's not that we're stuck up or whatever its just plain ol' pride that we actually accomplished a Giant Life Goal. Way to go girl! Keep going!

Specializes in Women's Surgical Oncology, MIU,MBU.

Dear Mommalumps:

I don't know what you believe but if you trust and know that God is your source know that it is God that will keep you even when you feel you are at your lowest point. You are definitely being challenged and it definitely is a TEST!

I will say this to you...In regards to pursuing nursing...you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing...if it wasn't a calling for you you wouldn't be meeting such opposition. My opposition was not in the way of a negative husband etc but I know that I was challenged because I was doing God's will for my life.

It may seem that you can't go anywhere right now but you wait and see what God can and will do on your behalf. You will be able to take care of you and your children...then he will have no choice but to see you as the strong confident woman that you are!!! If not already find yourself a good bible based church and seek God for strength. God Bless you and all that you set out to do....

Specializes in IMCU.

I don't have time to read all of the responses. 1st of all I would lie to your hubby and tell him you have to register now for the NCLEX and get some cashiers checks for what you need (make sure the dates on them will still be valid when you submit them for payment). The reason I say get cashiers check is that I am well aware that an abusive man is unlikely to give funds directly to the person he abuses. Get them in your hand and then I would get out.

Go to a shelter with your children. End of story. The shelters are rarely as bad as they are portrayed in popular culture. Also, by seeking help from these organizations you will get access to a case worker. In turn this case worker will help you get what you need to live.

How I got out? Got copies of all of my vital records (including tax returns), car registration, insurance docs. Took photos of everything that was in the house (valuables, furniture etc.). Copied bank statements. All of these I stored at a friend's house. . One day I "went to work", waited around the corner til he left, picked up the cats (he would have killed them) and my jewelry then met a case worker from a shelter. Filed a restraining order that day with the help of the case worker. The cats went into temporary shelter at the humane soc. and I went into one myself. Haven't looked back once.

The stress was unreal but it worked.

Specializes in IMCU.
Oh mamalumps..... what is happening to you w/ the husband getting insecured because of your new career is nothing new. Half of my classmates almost dropped out because of stress from immature and insecure husbands !

I was already separated from him when I started my actual RN tour and clinical, so I was okay , but my other classmates were so pressured , some of them dropped out !!!! Hope those marriages are still working out , ,cause that is a high price to pay to keep the marriage (your career) .............besides this is the time to see as to what your husband is really made out of!

You are done so you are almost in the finish line. Beg, borrow and whatever, to get your test done !!!! Get this done first , and then see what is the next problem to tackle...."one thing at a time ". :nurse:

And we are with you. We shared the same craziness during the nurse training.

I know you mean well but I think you missed the bit about the husband being physically abusive -- that alone tells us what he is made of. He has much more going on than insecurities and immaturity. He is dangerous and the closer the OP gets to a degree and something that could allow her independence the worse he will get. If he thinks she can be independent she will be out of his control and that puts her in real danger. Had someone told me this several years ago there is a possibility that I would not have sustained some serious physical injuries at the hands of my husband.

i really hope you and your children are okay

keep us posted

you are a true inspiration to women and nurses

Specializes in ER, peds, gi, case mgmt..

I was a domestic violence survivor and volunteer. There are only 2 things you need

to have on your mind right now, your children and finishing school. :nurse:

He will get worse once you graduate/get licensed. YOU will have to be the one to

make things happen. It's not fair that you may have to move and disrupt your life.

But you have to do it for your peace and sanity. If you cannot go to a shelter yet,

please call a domestic violence hotline for preliminary guidance.

:igtsyt:Start 'cutting the cords' with him emotionally. If you do not do this, your escape

will be in vain and you will go back, again and again. He will be nice when he thinks

he is losing his grip on you. Do not worry about where he is or what he is doing

when he isn't with you. He is not your concern. It will be painful, you will be heartbroken.

You will cry more than you ever thought possible, but you still have to keep going. :crying2:

If it is too hard for you to bear doing anything right now,

imagine how it will be a year from now if you flunk out;hopelessly trapped.

Every day you stay he is chipping away at you, at your soul. DON'T give him the satisfaction!

You are not alone. Many women have had to travel this path. It is scary, but once your

life is your own again, you will wonder how you ever let ANYONE treat you like this in the

first place. Things will not get better overnight, but life has a way of making things happen

for you when you show you are really serious. Stay strong! You can do this!

Your children are counting on you! The part of you that knows you deserve better

is crying out to you. Please listen to it.

You are in our thoughts :redbeathe.

Specializes in ER, peds, gi, case mgmt..

I just noticed your original post was in June! Hopefully, you are well on your journey now.

I'm sure someone will benefit from this even if you no longer need it.

Let us know how you are doing!

I didn't read past page 2 but I know we all say the same thing...

Your strong and focused and you can do anything u set your mind to.

Now...how to pay for that NCLEX exam.

first try worksource (google it!) they can really help in alot of ways.

or

walk into a church...ask for an appt w/ the Pastor ...explain what you've been through, what your plan is and ask if he can help you. Take your grades as verification. MANY times there generous and good people who want to help someone personally and even if it's a loan....you'll be in a better position than where you were.

Good luck my friend!! Know that your on a path to a better life for you and your children. I'll pray for you and your family !

Specializes in Oncology.

Really hope things are looking up for you. I read through the thread...I'd love an update.

Specializes in Emergency.

You may wish to use your school's resources/counselors - they have programs for people in your position (to help you with money/food/ paying for NcLEX)

Specializes in IMCU.

There is an update on another thread. She left him and is OK.

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