Senior RN Student w/ Jealous Husband!!!

[mommalumps]

Hello All!!!

I am tired of keeping this to myself and suffering alone.

Here is a little background, my husband has a history of both emotional and physical abuse. Whenever I stood up, he pushed me down by reminding me of my past ( which is very, very painful ).

Before I started nursing school a few years ago, I had a horrible bout with major depression; I had no plans but knew that I needed to support my three babies (which are teens now). As I got more education, he became even more jealous. As long as I was depressed and dependent, he was happy.

Now that I am graduating next week, he needs me to "appreciate and respect" him because now I am "high on a horse." Last year, my husband and I argued and he was yelling about how I couldn't pay bills or keep a job - for heaven's sake, I was attending Nursing School (BSN program, mind you).

I literally scratched a hole in my head due to anxiety. True story...

While I was in my Pediatric rotation, I needed a little kid to do developmental tests on. He bought me a baby from his "friend."

The next day, he sat in front of the family and introduced us to his daughter - which was the child that he bought to me for testing!!! I was in RAGE; not only because of his infidelity but the way he introduced the child (whose mother has 5 other children and has been calling and hanging up).

I AM getting tested!!!

I can go on forever with this story, but I just need advise. Not on how I should divorce this creep ... but that I am on Workers' comp and get pennies; I was injured picking up a patient.

I can not pay to take the NCLEX and I want to start my career and my LIFE!!! His income is greater than mine and I have no family here. It is a very painful period in my life - along with it being the happiest. I am the first in my entire family to get a degree.

I am so stressed I just need you guys!!!

[werkinit]

You are so strong! You do not deserve any this treatment and your husband should be kicked to the curb! That said, I fear that he also sounds dangerous so do be careful.

Look for all the community resources you can. Be resourceful. There are all kinds of programs for women in your situation. You've come SO far and are almost at a place where you will be able to be totally independent and provide for your family. You might consider looking for a nurse assistant job temporarily - at least you'll have some income.

You might consider going to your nursing program, there are always school counselors available that could link you with support in the community. There may even be some kind of scholarship or fund for you to take the NCLEX.

Beyond Women's Shelters, you might look into some kind of Safe-house or temporary housing for at risk Women & their children. I think you being denied access to a shelter due to having older children is bull!@#$...how old are they?

Good luck, keep us posted! If you are in ANY kind of danger call the police & get the hell out!!

[mommalumps]

Streamline2010,

The woman in your post is MY hero!!! I love that our "BALLS" are on the inside protected from the elements!!! She had HUGE ones!!!

To stay is my plan, because my kids have been through so much change. Five years ago, they endured Hurricane Katrina and they still talk about it. The test is over $200 + fingerprinting+ passport picture+ application fee, which is over

$325. I have been doing a lot of research and found info on PRO bono lawyers, shelters, churches, community services, welfare offices, and so on. I really don't have much in terms of support from family, we are estranged, but the good news is that I am reaching out to find them by finding numbers, leaving messages, and the such. This is just one of those "brick walls" that Dr. Randy Pausch was speaking of.

It is not just a factor of "just leave" or "how can you stay?" Thanks for your words and understanding.

~Mommalumps"

[mommalumps]

Oh, another thought: Some men are just jerks, and they become bitter and mean old-loser jerks when they hit middle-age. He might be baiting you to over-react so that he can call the cops on you. Watch out for "crazy-making," because he might come off as the sane one and you the irrational one. So, if he tries to push your buttons, and it sounds like he already is, just don't react.

So what if he brings up your past. The past is past, and it can't be changed. You not have a little dirt to dish on him, so forget the past and move on to the future. Counseling will help you to regain your balance and to keep your perspective. All divorces are dirty and nasty, so don't feel guilty about that. My ex and I started out with an amicable split, but by the time it was finalized 6 months later, we no longer even speak to each other. That's just the way that goes. Get you license, get your back injury healed, work on your career, focus on your children's future and your future.

I did not read your other post before I responded...

DO you know this schmuck or do you live next door??? He dared me to punch him in the face 3 weeks ago. He has a HUGE photo of his baby in our living room and I pushed it over and told him how it hurt me. He told the kids " Come see your mom, guys!" After that episode, I allow him to yell and hoot and I, in turn, apologized to my kids and refused to argue or react in front of them. I am exhausted...

[mommalumps]

You are so strong! You do not deserve any this treatment and your husband should be kicked to the curb! That said, I fear that he also sounds dangerous so do be careful.

Look for all the community resources you can. Be resourceful. There are all kinds of programs for women in your situation. You've come SO far and are almost at a place where you will be able to be totally independent and provide for your family. You might consider looking for a nurse assistant job temporarily - at least you'll have some income.

You might consider going to your nursing program, there are always school counselors available that could link you with support in the community. There may even be some kind of scholarship or fund for you to take the NCLEX.

Beyond Women's Shelters, you might look into some kind of Safe-house or temporary housing for at risk Women & their children. I think you being denied access to a shelter due to having older children is bull!@#$...how old are they?

Good luck, keep us posted! If you are in ANY kind of danger call the police & get the hell out!!

Thank You, NorthstarONC !!!

I will keep everyone her posted. My kids are 16 (boy) and 12 (twins, boy and girl). I will look for a fund for the testing; I didn't think of that. As soon as I am healed, I will apply for a nursing assisting job near my apartment; I have about 1 yr of experience doing that. At this point, I am willing to work at a dollar store of Burger King. Thanks again; I love posts that help me think . You guys are the BEST...

~Mommalumps~

[neicey59]

His mental illness (and he is mentally ill) is not your fault; however, being subjected to it repeatedly will make you ill as well. My best friend was a Psych in Atlanta and she often advised me when we put sociopathic people's needs before ourselves it negates us in the mind of that person. Tracy always said we have to feel we deserve better to "get gone". My SHE-ROE in life was once a single Nurses aide with 8 kids, she then went to LPN school, ASN, and now has a masters in nursing education and teaches LPN's. She had NOTHING but those 8 kids when she moved across the street from my family.

[mommalumps]

His mental illness (and he is mentally ill) is not your fault; however, being subjected to it repeatedly will make you ill as well. My best friend was a Psych in Atlanta and she often advised me when we put sociopathic people's needs before ourselves it negates us in the mind of that person. Tracy always said we have to feel we deserve better to "get gone". My SHE-ROE in life was once a single Nurses aide with 8 kids, she then went to LPN school, ASN, and now has a masters in nursing education and teaches LPN's. She had NOTHING but those 8 kids when she moved across the street from my family.

Thanks Neice59,

I feel exactly what you are saying. In an earlier post, I wrote that he is constantly "setting me straight" or inviting my children into our arguments. I have just stopped responding; I am the afterthought to a point or "lecture" involving my children by him saying, "Now, if there is anything that you would like to say, here is your opportunity because I am done."

I have no hair on the side of my head from scratching and pulling my hair ( I have horrible anxiety). I hide it with various hairstyles. This is not healthy for my children or I;this is NOT a life, I am existing.

Last night, I heard him talking to someone at around 0130; It was my 16 year old son. He was talking about why he doesn't take me out to dinner, that I have problems with communication and that is why we are breaking up, and that I have a past that is marred with scandal and that he is very upfront about what he does (i.e: his

affair(s), how he hates people, why he gets into trouble, etc,etc.). When I got up to empty my bowels ( I have bubble guts when I get furious), the talking stopped and my son went to bed.

I have been also devising a plan to leave. I have no proof (police reports, etc.) of the mental abuse that I experience now. But I would rather live in a car than to live like this anymore. He does not work (on disablility) and this will be extremely hard. I feel like I want to vomit...

Your friend is 100% right, I have given this person power and the ability to entangle me and these kids in his mentally ill world for too long.

If you guys don't here from me for a while, it's because, I wish to reclaim my life back. When I do, I feel that only then will I feel the need to come back a new, better, stronger REGISTERED NURSE...

God Bless you neicey59 all all of the posters on allnurses!!!

~Mommalumps~

[coupb8222]

So sorry to hear. Some people like your husband feel better once making you feel worse for acheiving your dreams. I encourage you to talk to him about it, and once you start working how you can help him with his dreams so he dosen't feel like a nobody!

[darrell]

Many folks will say this, I'm sure: break the path down into steps and then break the steps down until the first move is within your ability to reach. Then start walking them.

D

[CAROLG903]

This is the most important piece of advice: GET AWAY FROM HIM! Are there domestic violence shelters in your area? You need to notify the police.

http://www.texarkanagazette.com/news/localnews/2010/03/18/group-to-sponsor-toy-bradshaw-golf-tourn-27.php

This link will show you a story about a colleague who was in the same situation you are in. Your story echoes everything she went through. Her husband ended her life visciously.

I cannot emphasize enough the severity of your situation. You are endangering your life and the life of your children. As a nurse you will be able to provide for your children without him, don't continue in this situation which may ultimately cause your children to live without YOU.

[haircut7b]

If you want to stop this madness, it is in your power to do so. Though not easy, you must get away from someone who has no respect for you. If you want things better for you and your children, find a way to get your test taken and and start working. It is the key to your independence.

[makingitright]

It is true when they say the spirit is strong, even though sometimes the body is weak. Your resilience here is so commendable, truth is I feel to just give you a hug right now. If I had the money I would give it to you myself. Take care!

[criticalcare1]

First no matter what your past issues were, as others have mentioned they are in the past, it is HIS current and ongoing behaviors that are creating the current turmoil and abuse in your and your children's life. I am glad to read that you have contacted an attorney that will work pro-bono for you. There is no doubt that he is a dangerous man and your survival ongoing depends upon getting out. However I can also hear your frustration with the system that almost keeps you trapped, as others have stated there may be other shelter options (homes, churches etc). I am including 2 web sites that provide scholarships. One may of more help with the here and now and the other is for when you have left him and need help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you! By getting this far you have demonstrated the strength of will and determination and that can speak louder to your children than his yelling.

http://www.raisethenation.org/

http://www.wispinc.org/Programs/WISP/tabid/62/Default.aspx

We are all praying for you and keep us informed.