Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
wow....my first thought was that if your husband is thinking this way, how's he going to feel/treat you when you start a family (assuming you haven't -- good luck with this)....this is kind of backwards thinking in my opinion....it is, after all, 2006, and plenty of women work/attend school/volunteer, etc. has anyone taken in to consideration what she wants?!?! if she's just given up her responsibilities at home and isn't doing anything, then there's maybe concern, but i bet she's still cooking, cleaning, shopping, coordinating, and supervising most goings on....and i say that because if she's managed to raise 13 kids, she's probably got a ton of these skills already....

but the later post about the husband working and having kids take off his shoes has sent me right over the edge....good luck to her, and possibly to you, because this could be a big warning about future expectations from your hubby....

i'm thinking the mother-in-law may need an education so she can get a job and support her many children still living at home when she gets rid of this boob! there's something wrong about a man who lets his wife and kids do everything at home (including remove his shoes!) because "his job is to work". and good luck to the original poster unless her husband joins the 21st century!

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
i am sorry to say this, but the women in my class (with children) who have a supportive family have tended do well, the women from unsupportive families have either dropped out or had their marriages completely fall apart. i'm sure it's not nursing school that makes it fall apart, but rather adding considerable additional stress to an already tenuous situation.

a shakey marriage is a great reason to get an education so that you can support yourself and your children when and if your marriage ends. yes, school adds stress to a tenuous situation, but not going to school and getting divorced anyway makes an even worse situation. 60% of marriages end in divorce these days, so i doubt that nursing school is a harbringer of divorce. it also makes a great deal of sense to do what you need to do to create a secure future for yourself and your children whether or not your marriage ends.

Specializes in ED, ICU, MS/MT, PCU, CM, House Sup, Frontline mgr.
So, as a parent you and your husband can never spend a night without the kids? Not once? Not even to have some uninterrupted fun to make another baby? When is the appropriate age to go away for a night? Is there an apropriate age? Is it ok to send the kids to grandma's so you and your husband can buy Christmas gifts?

I think it's appropriate at this time to state that we agree to disagree.

You are doing the right think by conceding. Some people think becoming a Mom is a choice and therefore justified slavery.

Understand that most American women do not sign up to hand over her life and identity to have kids. And why should they? American Men don't despite the fact that they play an active role in bringing children into the world. I also find it funny that people that equate motherhood to slavery also call men who work full-time and never see their kids as "excellent" Dads. The hypocrisy is never ending. Mom's like these work their way into an early grave. No one can help them out because that would be asking someone to "parent" their kids.

Don't you know that Day Cares and Babysitters are evil because they are trying to "parent" kids? Never mind the fact that many of us grew up very well adjusted and loved despite attending had Day Cares, Preschools, and/or having baby sitters watch us to include family members and friends. :idea:

I could go on discussing studies that show kids who attend Day Cares or have Baby Sitters do not grow up worse off then Stay-At-Home Mommy kids. However as I stated before, it is pointless to argue with people who parent through guilt, fear, and shame so they can convince themselves that they are good Moms. :lol2:

I could go on discussing studies that show kids who attend Day Cares or have Baby Sitters do not grow up worse off then Stay-At-Home Mommy kids. However as I stated before, it is pointless to argue with people who parent through guilt, fear, and shame so they can convince themselves that they are good Moms. :lol2:

my first 2 kids had daycare etc - these 2 had me home for 5 yrs- there are a lot of good thigs that are better with these 2 due to me being hiome howeveer - i will say - they lacked MUCh in the area of social actions- they never got out so when they got to school they did not know how to behave so they had tolearn social skills beyond home - which was hard on them -my first 2 had great socil skills but when it came to home we were ( are working on getting there now that they are older) not that close to me and dad - social influences were big with the first 2. i guess im saying there are pros and cons to both working and sahm but i dont believe either is better than the other. matter of fact if i had another kid- i think i would combone the 2 - work part time and sahm part time - :)

Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Some people think becoming a Mom is a choice and therefore justified slavery.

How is becoming a mom not a choice though (rape/incest aside).?

Specializes in ICU, oncology, orthopedics, med/surge.
How is becoming a mom not a choice though (rape/incest aside).?

Choosing to have a child is choosing to have a family, not choosing to be a slave. On that note, family supports one another.

If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby?

my point exactly. Who says all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion are tied up in going to nursing school? Who says hopes, dreams, ambition and passion don't ARRIVE at the time you give birth to a baby?:balloons:

This woman deserves support, help, and a pat on the back. I am 56, mother of 4 grown children and a nursing student. I also work full time as a paramedic. My kids have been wonderful! My husband has learned to help. I wish I had done it sooner!

One thing that is overlooked, often, is that while her hubby obviously supports them well, if anything happened to him that would stop. Life insurance only goes just so far, and social security benefits the children recieve stop as they reach age 18. She has a lot of life ahead, and she needs to be able to pick up a new role if required. She has a desire and the ability therefore she should go for it at what ever pace she wants. Those kids won't die from a mother seeking to improve herself. They will be inspired. Unless the grown children plan to support mom, they need to butt out.

Specializes in ICU, oncology, orthopedics, med/surge.
my point exactly. Who says all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion are tied up in going to nursing school? Who says hopes, dreams, ambition and passion don't ARRIVE at the time you give birth to a baby?:balloons:

No one says ALL hopes and dreams, ambition and passion are all tied up to nursing. Obviously, having children is not just ONE dream this mother has...What's wrong with having hope(s), dream(s), ambition and passion in different packages?

I'm 45, have two children and have been back at school for the last 1 1/2 years with another 3-4 years to go. My husband wasn't entirely keen with the idea initially but he didn't stop me. He realizes my being back in school helps secure our financial future. Especially if something happens to him....

No one says ALL hopes and dreams, ambition and passion are all tied up to nursing.

I think this poster said that, in so many words, when she said

Originally Posted by purplekath viewpost.gif

If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby?

One thing that is overlooked, often, is that while her hubby obviously supports them well, if anything happened to him that would stop. Life insurance only goes just so far...

$500,000 of term life insurance costs about $1000 a year.

$500,000 = $50,000 per year for 10 years

cost of life insurance premiums for 10 years is only $10,000

cheaper than nursing school and no need to work beside. If one was to do this on a purely financial viewpoint, I would go with the life insurance.

Specializes in Trauma ICU, MICU/SICU.
well, this is jmho:

while her aspirations to become a nurse are very noble, you still just can't up and quit your "day job." when she signed on for 13 kids, it's not a temp position. i was raised in a relatively large family (6 kids) and have 2 kids of my own. my own observations are the larger the family, the more important it is that there is someone at the helm running it. just getting lunches done and in the right backpack is a 30 minute deal.

not only that but developmentally 3 years old is a big time to have an available parent - and she has two of them! even the 8 year old and 10 year old will require a lot of time for someone to listen and hug.

furthermore, i definitely don't agree with having her older kids raise her younger kids. i understand the concept of working together as a team but i would like to remind you that it wasn't the older kids idea to have 13 kids. it was the parents'. therefore i don't agree that they should have to raise any kids. i have seen a lot of kids from big families (i went to a catholic school lol) really resent that because they fell #2 or #4, they spent their time changing diapers, giving baths, feeding and babysitting little ones who fell #11 and #12. if you have the kids, it's up to you to raise the kids and not shove it off on the older ones like i see some parents do.

also having been raised in a large family, i think the most important job is lovin' those little ones. it's not the same to sit on big sister's lap for your bedtime story as it is for mom, having mom cuddle you and whisper in your ear and cover you with kisses. that's a job that can't be outsourced and it's a crucial one as well.

at this point in time, i think she should focus on the job at hand and stick with her responsibilities as a parent. if she waits 7 more years until the 3 year olds are 10, then it would probably be a better time to go to school.

are u kidding!?!

she's not "quitting her day job." she's going to school. will the older children have some additional responsibilities? sure. is she "shoving the responsibility" of raising the younger children on the older children, i highly doubt it. i'm sure she will still be their to hug the twins and help the 8 and 10 year old.

and, older children babysitting younger children does not = a parent not raising their children. i'm sure there was some exaggeration in your school friends. you know, one diaper to change = spent all night changing diapers.

many, many parents work outside the home. she has devoted herself to ft sahm duty for 21+ years (two "children" are older than 21). i think it is o.k. for her to do something for her own well being for a change.

sounds like she's always done everything for them and they're just ungrateful, spoiled, and find change (esp. when they're not the one sacrificing) difficult.

i say show them where the washer/dryer/stove are and go to school. they will live.

btw, where is dad in all this? oh yeah, he's in the recliner where his children (who shouldn't be expected to do anything) are taking his shoes off his smelly, nasty feet. :trout:

oh yeah, one more very important thing... why in the world while in the midst of raising 13 children does she think she's the girl to be going to a 3rd world country? now that seems like an unrealistic goal. perhaps she's got some kind of help the world (had 13 kids of her own) complex. now that's a bit odd imo.

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