Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

People keep focusing on the fact that she has 13 children, as if she had 13 infants to care for. I believe the youngest are three (an appropriate age for preschool) and the older ones are out of the house. By the time she is done with pre-reqs and is admitted to a program, the youngests will be 4 or 5 and the older children will be even more self-sufficient (and able to help out). This doesn't seem like a bad time to start school. It seems like a good time...

Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.

Probably the main reason I'm not married is because I just couldn't answer to a man. Sorry, when I say I'm going to school that means I'm going to school. Elderly pt told me with an attitude like that I'm never gonna catch one!

Being married doesn't mean anyone is answering to anyone, or i never would have gotten married. Ours is an give-and-take supportive partnership.

Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
she was not born a parent

early 40s ain't dead yet

she will need a lot of support..if she has the organization to run a large family she can make it

I agree.

Specializes in 5 yrs OR, ASU Pre-Op 2 yr. ER.
Originally Posted by sanskeet viewpost.gif

I am rather shocked that not more people have voiced an alarm over the fact that the father seems to think his responsibility ends with the pay check and no has stated his selfishness and parental abuse and that it's ok for the kids to take care of the father by taking of his shoes, etc but not to help mom out with the younger kids. Interesting.

I'm sorry but the way I see it, bringing home the money is the easy part...work 8 maybe ten hours a day,get a pat on the back for being such a wonderful provider by the world, get a lunch break, respect and a raise every now and then, a paycheck and then come home and be catered to while mom works 24/hrs a day, seven days a week (but hey, it's not really 'work')cause she gets to be at home, gets no respect, no money and no help while taking care of 13 children and is called selfish for wanting to have a career...sure, HE really is impressive.

Well said.

I copped the same thing as a nursing student (I'm an RN now) and it still upsets me to hear stories like this. Mothering goes so far beyond just keeping everything under control at home - it is about teaching and modelling the kind of behaviour and values that you have, in the hope that the kids will enter the big wide world as adults as whole and productive human beings right? If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby? Not the kind of idea I want my daughter leaving my home believing! Or my son for that matter!

My kids are now almost grown and I love to see them actally PLANNING their lives with the honest belief that if they work at it, they can do anything. We had our "cereal for dinner nights" sure, and when they got tired of that, they learned to cook. They copped a bit of stress at exam time, sure..and then they learned to participate in my studies the way I always participated in theirs.

Besides, who says you have to neglect your family? Why not involve them? Gosh, I remember my kids while I was in nursing school...they were so cool - we used to make up games to help me study. I remember once, I bet them 5 bucks if they could tell me all the cranial nerves and their functions without looking at my flashcards. So we spent the week arguing with each other ("no way! The trigeminal nerve is not the one responsible for pain...it's taste... blah blah") Not only could they, but they still can to this day!! lol...

Look, your MIL needs to understand...you CAN become a nurse and still be a great mum. No, not a supermum, but frankly, as a psych nurse now I can tell you, kids of supermums don't do so well in the broad scheme of things anyway. You want to be a "good enough mum". That means, everyone helps with the housework and cooking, including DAD. Of course, as sometimes happens when there is nobody around policing it, people get lazy - if so, the consequence is on them isn't it? I used to often say stuff like, "gee, sorry I don't have time to drive you to Tommy's place now - nobody helped me to clean up this morning, so I have to stay home and do it now, sorry". Nobody is going to become a lesser human being if they don't get bread that has been baked from scratch from homeground wheat - however they certainly will become lesser human beings if they end their childhoods with the idea that it is OK for one person to sacrifice their life, happiness and purpose for another. And don't get me wrong - SAHMs are worthy of great respect; that is the SAHMs who are doing it because being a SAHM is their passion and purpose, not because they "should do it" because happened to be born with a uterus.

Incidentally, my daughter tells me she wants to go to nursing school!

Specializes in UR/PA, Hematology/Oncology, Med Surg, Psych.
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I copped the same thing as a nursing student (I'm an RN now) and it still upsets me to hear stories like this. Mothering goes so far beyond just keeping everything under control at home - it is about teaching and modelling the kind of behaviour and values that you have, in the hope that the kids will enter the big wide world as adults as whole and productive human beings right? If she "just stops school and takes care of her family", what is she modelling? That if you are female, all hopes, dreams, ambition and passion end at the time you give birth to a baby? Not the kind of idea I want my daughter leaving my home believing! Or my son for that matter!

My kids are now almost grown and I love to see them actally PLANNING their lives with the honest belief that if they work at it, they can do anything. We had our "cereal for dinner nights" sure, and when they got tired of that, they learned to cook. They copped a bit of stress at exam time, sure..and then they learned to participate in my studies the way I always participated in theirs.

Besides, who says you have to neglect your family? Why not involve them? Gosh, I remember my kids while I was in nursing school...they were so cool - we used to make up games to help me study. I remember once, I bet them 5 bucks if they could tell me all the cranial nerves and their functions without looking at my flashcards. So we spent the week arguing with each other ("no way! The trigeminal nerve is not the one responsible for pain...it's taste... blah blah") Not only could they, but they still can to this day!! lol...

Look, your MIL needs to understand...you CAN become a nurse and still be a great mum. No, not a supermum, but frankly, as a psych nurse now I can tell you, kids of supermums don't do so well in the broad scheme of things anyway. You want to be a "good enough mum". That means, everyone helps with the housework and cooking, including DAD. Of course, as sometimes happens when there is nobody around policing it, people get lazy - if so, the consequence is on them isn't it? I used to often say stuff like, "gee, sorry I don't have time to drive you to Tommy's place now - nobody helped me to clean up this morning, so I have to stay home and do it now, sorry". Nobody is going to become a lesser human being if they don't get bread that has been baked from scratch from homeground wheat - however they certainly will become lesser human beings if they end their childhoods with the idea that it is OK for one person to sacrifice their life, happiness and purpose for another. And don't get me wrong - SAHMs are worthy of great respect; that is the SAHMs who are doing it because being a SAHM is their passion and purpose, not because they "should do it" because happened to be born with a uterus.

Incidentally, my daughter tells me she wants to go to nursing school!

QUOTE]

:yeahthat: :bow:

Yes, yes, and yes!

Sounds like to me this woman has been a parent her whole life...13 children....Lordy...God bless her! I say...you go girl! Sometimes people need to do things for themselves whether they are parents or not. With 13 children I'm sure she has given al of herself and now it's time to give back to herself. The children need to understand that moms have goals and dreams too. Good luck to her

of course, if that's what marriage means to you, turnabout is fair game, right? So when your husband tells you he is moving to Alaska for two years to fish and hunt year round (leaving you to work AND raise your twin three year olds without him), you'll just say, "of course, dear. We shouldn't have to answer to one another."

I never felt marriage was about either person answering to another. Silly me, I thought it was about working together for the best interests of each person and the marriage/family as a whole. Which is why I have a problem with this mom in particular going to school if her family is so against it. Maybe they do have issues, in which case they could all work together on the issues to find out what's going on...might be their resistance has some merit that we don't know about?

I'm sorry, I just had a good laugh at that first paragraph. You see, twins run in the family and out of 15 female cousins, none have had twins yet but I'm the only one who has not reproduced yet. So whey you said "three year old twins" it made me think of what my grandma said to me last week, "Elizabeth, you're the one that is going to have the set of twins. I can feel it."

If my husband wants to move to Alaska to hunt and fish, if he allowed me, I'd probably take him and the kids. I'd love to go to Alaska. If he didn't allow me, I'd be disappointed but probably move closer to my parents so they can visit with the grandkids more often.

And, if I do have a set of twins that would make 3 sets between my brother and I. He has one set of girls and is expecting another set of girls.

um.. not if you work 3-11 or 11-7 or weekends. which is why a lot of women with families go into nursing, for the flexible schedules.

Of course it matters what mom thinks or wants. However, mom isn't revolving in a separate sphere in a separate galaxy (like a single woman with no kids). I'm just saying it probably isn't the wisest course of action to just up and quit The Mom Job because something new caught your fancy before your term of service was up...

No one said she was up and quitting The Mom Job (isn't it more of a career?). She's not abandoning them. Lots of women go to ns and have kids and have a husband. They work through it.

One could say that working 3-11 you wouldn't be able to put your kids to bed, if you worked 7-3 you probably wouldn't see your kids off to school, and if you did nights and had a pre schooler/toddler at home you'd be sooo sleepy and all the people that I know that work nights send their kids to the sitters for half the day. I did work with a mom at one time that worked nights and kept her 3 kids during the day but she stayed on the couch while the kids played. Not much interaction.

So, as a parent you and your husband can never spend a night without the kids? Not once? Not even to have some uninterrupted fun to make another baby? When is the appropriate age to go away for a night? Is there an apropriate age? Is it ok to send the kids to grandma's so you and your husband can buy Christmas gifts?

I think it's appropriate at this time to state that we agree to disagree.

Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
she has 3 year old twins and she wants to go to a 3rd world country ?

perhaps to get away from the 3 year old twins!

Specializes in Med/Surg <1; Epic Certified <1.
perhaps to get away from the 3 year old twins!

:roll

i think it actually sounds like she needs to get away from the rest of them!!

Specializes in ICU, oncology, orthopedics, med/surge.

I'd say her family is a bit selfish... She has dedicated at least half her life to her family, and they can't spare a couple of years to support her? Who says having a family means you have to sacrifice your entire existence to them. So she has 3yr old twins.. She also has a husband, a lot of older children who can and should support their mother bettering herself. Her family is A LOT selfish.

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