Secondary PTSD spread the word PLEASE!!!

[Messedup101]

I was a great nurse. With more than 2 decades under my belt, almost all in hospice. The rest ICU, ER and oncology.. I never had heard of this. It affected me over several years, I went from being the best nurse there, to someone trying to make it through a day, paralyzed by anxiety. Avoiding TV and movies because they might contain my triggers. cancer, suffering. I went from a great dad to one my early teenagers avoid. New management wanted me out and I overheard it. The pressure doubled. I had severe 2 am panic attacks nightly, I stated to keep a bottle of schnapps near my bed. I had not had a drink in 25 years and schnapps was the only one, I could tolerate. I had a panic attack a couple hours later than normal. I tried to google a calculator to see how much was too much and be present at work.. This calculators was for DUI prevention, 0.08 was the goal. . I was taken to do a breathylizer. I asked for a union rep. Told I had 30 minutes. I had never been in trouble. I did not know how and they would not help, I begged them to tell me a way or be allowed to get help from another nurse. They were silent.

At 30 minutes They said do it now or your terminated. I blew a 0.03 . Placed on administrative leave and sent home. I was already barely holding on , i became lethargic. The shrink covering my shrinks Vacation figured it out In seconds after years. He put me on disability to get my head to a place where I could at least communicate effectively and advocate for myself. I started getting the right help. Disability was 6 weeks long with a note to continue for another 6 months if they're unable to accommodate me and moved me to an department away from cancer death and suffering. 6 weeks later I got a call asked me to come in to discuss my accommodation, no union rep needed. We had all recieved a memo that there would be no Union reps available for 4 days. This was in the middle. I asked to reschedule, called the Union,l they said there was nothing I could do. They also had my check and I was broke. When I arrived it was a set up. I was offered 2 choices resign or be terminated. It was insinuated that if I resigned, the board would not find out and I could go get another job. They had already notified the board weeks earlier. I had to resign and the Union would do nothing afterwards. At the board the diversion was impossible for me after a couple months with a bed bound wife and special needs kids I had to take too much time to take them medical appoinmentsI. I was tricked out of the program and the Attorney General tried to help me, but could not because our board is punitive in California. We lost everything.

Recently someone called a lawyer for me and he said that we have to complete the grievance process and he thinks he can help me because my Weingarten rights were broken and because of my disability was caused by work and it was a complete change in my behavior. The Union will do nothing ignores my requests. I'm just now getting to the point that I can effectively communicate after 18 months. Please tell everybody about this if I had known and not thought I was broken or falling apart. Even my family was telling me to suck it up, I did. I really did as long as I could. Tell everyone I have sent everyone messages that I know

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

Good luck to you in your future endeavors. I'm sorry to read that things have been so difficult.

[Messedup101]

Knowing what it is has been the single greatest relief I have had. . It has give me some purpose too. I am mad I mean really mad. My employer was the biggest in the country it had the resources and I'm sure it knew what was going on. I want other to know. That was terrible. Already hypervigelent. You think you are a failure as a nurse and a father. I had over 100 biopsy on my skin In 2 years. Dont add the cost up. I do grow rare things and she said i should come in 2 times a year.

This was a result of my job. When I got sick, management harrassed me constantly. As I said, i heard them planning it. I am mad my job did this and they threw me to the curb, as the union said the fastest in the history of the union. A normal me would have demanded we walk through that and ser if they missed steps and demanded the union help. I cant have my job back, no licence. We lost everything. So I could not stay in an expensive area. This need to be part of orientation

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

Your post is a little hard for me to follow to be honest. However, I can tell that you have been through a lot and truly wish you the best.

[Messedup101]

Yes, there was so much going on, and I was like the ball, just like a pinball machine. I will ret to clean it up tonight. It became bad, because it went on for years. I am still and will always be messed up. I have complete dissociation with the happy person I was before. I see him as another person. I dont know if that is permanent. That is why I really want people to know about it. It gives me purpose and closure in my nursing career. I am 50. I applied for dozens of jibs, took all the test to be a financial advisor. I found the 2012 article and study correct. Unless a nurse who lost a licence knows someone, they will like not be able to enter any career. That is the anger in me. I NEVER touched alcohol, not a drop in the 18 months since. Inly a few weeks before and only at night when I woke up. This was after I knew they were working on getting me fired. The job gave it to me, it was severs. Because U tried to suck it u and because I had very dependent people in my house, I Went on for years. For that reason, I can not use any of my three degree, I took other classes during nursing school. They all are worthless now. I am a very hard worker. It feels so unfair,

[Messedup101]

Oh in the diversion, the psychiatrist told them I was in no way an alcoholic. I have hundreds of witnesses over decades. No one has ever seen me with alcohol or intoxicated. On the disciplinary report, that everyone can see online, Alcohol is not even mentioned. I was completely honest with everyone, I almost never lie, He went and tried to have the whole thing sealed, Make my licence just disappear, You know the boards answer was. I am not on the government exclusion list that is almost automatic, I was not intoxicated or even impaired at all, nor doing any procedure that day, just paperwork. I had a fraction of a beer they said. Tell everyone, I bet few know this and 25 percent of nurses have some of it and in some departments nearly every one. Make me the last

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

It seems English is not your first language, so I can barely understand your posts.

I do get that you were drinking the night before a shift to self medicate for anxiety, but weren't clear by the time you got to work. You do have to understand that something like that IS going to get your fired and/or possibly reported to BON.

The rest I really am not following.

[Horseshoe, BSN, RN]

Also, as to your thread title, what exactly are we supposed to be "spreading the word" about?

[JadedCPN, BSN, RN]

I also respectfully believe some accountability needs to be taken on your behalf, based on what I can understand from your post.

"I had severe 2 am panic attacks nightly, I stated to keep a bottle of schnapps near my bed. I had not had a drink in 25 years and schnapps was the only one, I could tolerate. I had a panic attack a couple hours later than normal. I tried to google a calculator to see how much was too much and be present at work"

If anyone is googling essentially how drunk they can be for their shift at work, they have a problem. Even if you don't want to say you have a chronic substance abuse problem, if you are aware you might be intoxicated at work (because you were self medicating with alcohol to deal with stress and anxiety) and you still choose to go to work, you have to take accountability for that.

Again your post is really hard to follow so it is confusing.

[Messedup101]

NO, I am bored and bread American.

I need to clean it up. You are seeing one of the effects of the PTSD. I DONT SLEEP... it has been over a week since more than an hour or two. . I only drank for 3 weeks and only at the early morning terror. time.and lost everything.

I had no had a drop for 25 years or so.. I wont take anything. I dont even pick up the prescribed ambien. Eventually I will get some sleep. I apologize. I also quit my adderal that day. I swore not to take anything ever again. However, that was the second psychiatrist to tell me. I finally had answers after 6 years. He took an hour to walk me through it. It was not a convenient excuse as I first thought with the last psychiatrist. Maybe I am hardened a little also.

First, I was not making an excuse.. if that is what you got out of it. It must be unintelligible. It was far beyond a just anxiety and stress. I had lost 40 pounds. It had grown progressively worse for 6 years. No one knew what it was. Once, I knew they were going to walk me through disciplinary steps for paperwork or something else, I finally reached for something in a mistaken belief, I had more control over it with a short half life than the klonopin or xanax of ambien I had a lifetime supply of. It was not to see how drunk I could get, it was to make sure, that nothing was in my system 1 hour before my commute. I dont quite see it your way. I ftelt impaired all day on the prescriptions. Not safe. I thought the alcohol would clear faster. It may sound dumb

I also could not keep waking my kids and wife.

You sound like the half of my friend, who stopped talking to me without letting me explain anything. But you call PTSD , just stress and anxiety. If had known 5 years earlier, when I was able to sleep, when I I was not so hypervigilant every second trying to prevent something I knew would happen as I had seen it in the past. I would not be here defending myself from being an alcoholic. I ws an athlete,, drugs and alcohol would have slowed me down. That 40 pounds was muscle. Maybe they wanted to get rid of of me for the Auschwitz resemblance, our company advertised happy healthy looking people.

I was trying to show. how not knowing and not getting the correct help, spirals out of control. I want nurses to know how common it is. I want management to not only know the symptoms. But how to detect it early and get some corrective programs in place. I want them to not harass but to help the nurse. I want people to see my story and say that is crazy, there is no way other nurses would allow it to go that far, because its symptoms are well known . I want compassion from my friends of 30 years that I miss, bit wont pick up the phone when they see my name. I asked lawyers if I have a case, alcohol kills the conversation. No one asks how much, except the attorney general. I was not intoxicated at all. Look up 0.03. My second a couple minutes later was 0.02. You dont seel t. I googled the wrong calculator that night. The point is, here is a 20 years plus RN trying to numb himself to the worst part of the day, without impairing himself at work. The pain was the worst I have ever imagined at that point. I would run to my kids room and stare at them, to make the suicidal thoughts go away. I could go deeper, but I want people to spread the word. One specialist is suggesting an empathy test. Those who have highest scores, should be counciled to avoid those 4 departments. I found that interesting. Please call me what you want. If I got your attention, I already won. This has given me a sense of purpose and of providing care again. I was a good Nurse. I loved taking care of my patients. I loved it when they talked about their lives. I have seen life through so many eyes, that was my blessing for almost 20 years.

[Ksmith16]

I can see you're having a rough time right now, and I hope you have a support system in place. It sounds like you got the *** end of the stick somewhere along the line. Best of luck to you, I will pray for you, even if you are not religious, please know someone cares and is thinking of your wellbeing ?

[HiddencatBSN, BSN]

My husband was a paramedic for 12 years and recently left the field because of PTSD. It’s a very real risk and being told by management and industry experts to avoid it by doing more “self care” when we’re understaffed and overworked so chronically and when mental health treatment is challenging to access even for medically savvy people is placing personal blame for a societal problem.

I’m sorry this happened to you.