Messedup101

I wanted to give a small update. I was posting at the same time I was being questioned for 8 hours a day by lawyers about this. I would come home shaking and not only be unable to type correctly, useful thinking was impaired. This included my ability to even state the above. It was during these dark days that a small escape was warning other Nurses. It felt like helpless hell devoid of any hope. I will probably win, but I left out a small, but major detail. I have a disability, they would harass me multiple times a day. This was helped by a timely filing against the same people by another employee with more than sufficient evidence. She was prepared and I hope am hoping they will be removed. I lost my house, and should not have the harassment , anxiety and other symptoms of PTSD, over whelmed me into not filing for disability. I could not pay my mortgage, between my short term and long term, I could have stayed easily for another 5 years. I blocked it out, but that came out. That would have given me health insurance, because of no money, We went without for almost 2 years and had to find cash for my appointments and did not go often. I think both the harassment and the PTSD contributed. At 20 months I have had insurance again for a couple days. If I win, I might be able to buy a small home. I will not be coming back, but I hope there are some insights

So I wasn't going to say this. But I'm going to. When you say I'm sorry you're stressed out I already know you don't understand. It's not stress. I'm going to sum it up and try not to answer any more because I've learned a lot from your responses probably more than I was hoping you would learn from mine. I want you to think about anytime for a few seconds you thought your life was in danger. Car coming at you someone you thought was breaking in I don't know. That is how you we feel and react to any stressor and most of the time, to nothing at all because you make up your own, your brain is convinced it's going to happen ,so you have to be ready. This is neuroplasticity you brain is rewired. It's not stress it's not general anxiety it is an anxiety disorder. All jobs every job is required to tell you about major safety issues you don't get a job working anywhere where they can't not tell you that something might fall and hit your head that is legitimate and fairly common. A lot of the problem is that many you don't seem to understand the difference between a little stress and PTSD. And I didn't either so I don't blame you. The other part of the problem is the nursing culture that causes so many problems. Almost all of you saw my termination and the alcohol as the issue that I was Raising. Only the attorney general actually went right past that and I don't understand it, most lawyers do the same thing. I never drink oh, I have 30 years of witnesses. This disease is far worse than you know 45 to 50 veterans kill themselves everyday. And the nursing culture which was described as really not conducive to bringing yourself forward and getting care is once again the problem. Police, firefighters, paramedics all get this and all of them is sued and they now have protection and they now have all the mitigating factors in place to catch it earlier or to reduce the likelihood of it happening. Not only does the public seem to value us less less or think that we are stronger than the other groups , so do nurses. Nurses are known to to either eat their young or each other, I've heard both. We are known to be very divisive and very unforgiving each other. Nursing boards are known to be punitive just Google it. Attorney general told me No Other Board is like it. Stop thinking whose fault is this or that I am weak or a closet alcoholic. When you drink if not to feel good it's the turn off 24 hours of pain 7 days a week that you don't think I ever going to end. Large numbers of nurses are affected but they never come forward because of people like you or management. Don't believe me there was a study and that was a conclusion nursing culture is firmly against people getting help. I only wanted people to know that this is a risk for every nurse and especially in a few of departments. What happened ,my life was a immediately under a microscope to try to find where my fault was. PTSD and alcohol and drugs go hand in hand for a reason. As a nurse I can't be like them. Even though I quit immediately. In the closet around each of you its average is 1 and 4 nurses are suffering to some degree. My guess is anyone that you think is hypochondriac and HAS been nursing for a while probably has it. That was listed as the number one symptom of hyper-vigilant nurses and other people. As I said in some departments it's well over half or higher. I pray someday that nurses are forgiving enough, to let those people come out and get help without feeling threatened. I do apologize for my grammar but I've lost everything and I have to work all the time because I can only make minimum wage most times. So phones are new to me for doing stuff like this

Please look at the cause not the result on a small part very common to the disease. The reason, pain so intense that it never stops and you dont think it ever well. An hour seesm lie a huge break. If I were on fore and no way to piut it out, would you fault me for taking a swig? The last Doctor found it to be PTSD. When he wrote his note and found out my employer. He would not write that. He said so. He changed the wording. I now go to other Doctors. The excuse. I have only seen you once.

Yes, but do benzodiazepines have any less effect. I was told to take those This never stops, I dont think people understand that. In my department you don't ask for help. I was in an investigation foe weeks. I followed doctors orders and medicaid guidelines. The family wanted a babysitter for a semi violent and mobile Alzheimers parent. I was told I could lose my job. 2 years later, he was very much alive. The family complained that was all. There was a study as I said, most environments for nurses are similar and the worst seen for being able to come forward. I dont understand how that is not understood. This has gotten worse over last 0 years in competition for Medicare ranking Alcohol is about 1 drink per hour, klonopin more than 24 hours, xanax 9 if I remember, That was my logic. I think everyone always ,misses the point, it is not disclosed

In should add., I documented everything. I had enough proof, that the Attorney General after my psych eval and with the unimpaired level, Removed substance abuse and alcohol from the complaint. I think I was the first ever he said. It only list mental condition. He tried to help. The investigation showed as I told you. I was a good nurse, who tried to numb himself but not affect work and the confirmed the harassment, He said with any other board, he could have done more. Some Nurses are so judgmental and vindictive

Yes, now I know I can fix post for very long. I will be making fewer posts. I need a real computer, I will abbreviate it, I had way too many emotions the forst time. 6 years of hell and it is evidently well know outside of nursing, that we get this. I am not stupid, I love to learn and picked up 2 degree on the side just to learn. Sadly, the related jobs will still see my licence, when they check on me. Nursing gave me this,and I will not only have it, I will have greatly diminished earning power. I passed my series 7 last year after this, even in extreme anxiety, I did very well. I then learned, I would not be allowed to use it. I can only sue for workers comp and no one will even talk to me anyway, I say alcohol even a little and I am out the door. PTSD causes many to use things. I would not have otherwise. I was the senior nurse on my shift. I was respected. How is this fair. I had a good gob, a house and retirement all set up, I have none of that now. I want to make sure no one else has this happen. Don't think it could not. I have no mental history beyond ADHD. I controlled that well. I thought I would never, but I did

I sat down and it is 3 hours later. It seems the window to to edit in this forum is short. I will endeavor to make sure the posts are better written. I cant entirely regulate my sleep, but I will wait longer to post. I now work many more hours for far less money. I have to use a phone, this is new to me. If i use the talk to text, there are many mistakes. Likewise for me to see what I am typing on a phone at 50, it becomes so large. I can not see the things I have typed easily. I am not looking for sympathy or an excuse. I truly want to make sure that this happens very frequently. I had no idea and attended meetings and inservices for nearly 3 decades, if you include my time as a CNA. . Maybe, I was unique. That uniqueness came at a very high cost. Since, I never had any inclination to drink my entire life, I feel justified to conclude that would have continued, barring an event that changed something about me significantly. I will not lie, if someone could point me to someone who could help me legally, I would jump at the chance. I do feel injured. I do not like my life, it is very painful. The other me was happy, adventurous. His kids ran to him, when he came home. The neighbors invited him over often.

NO, I am bored and bread American. I need to clean it up. You are seeing one of the effects of the PTSD. I DONT SLEEP... it has been over a week since more than an hour or two. . I only drank for 3 weeks and only at the early morning terror. time.and lost everything. I had no had a drop for 25 years or so.. I wont take anything. I dont even pick up the prescribed ambien. Eventually I will get some sleep. I apologize. I also quit my adderal that day. I swore not to take anything ever again. However, that was the second psychiatrist to tell me. I finally had answers after 6 years. He took an hour to walk me through it. It was not a convenient excuse as I first thought with the last psychiatrist. Maybe I am hardened a little also. First, I was not making an excuse.. if that is what you got out of it. It must be unintelligible. It was far beyond a just anxiety and stress. I had lost 40 pounds. It had grown progressively worse for 6 years. No one knew what it was. Once, I knew they were going to walk me through disciplinary steps for paperwork or something else, I finally reached for something in a mistaken belief, I had more control over it with a short half life than the klonopin or xanax of ambien I had a lifetime supply of. It was not to see how drunk I could get, it was to make sure, that nothing was in my system 1 hour before my commute. I dont quite see it your way. I ftelt impaired all day on the prescriptions. Not safe. I thought the alcohol would clear faster. It may sound dumb I also could not keep waking my kids and wife. You sound like the half of my friend, who stopped talking to me without letting me explain anything. But you call PTSD , just stress and anxiety. If had known 5 years earlier, when I was able to sleep, when I I was not so hypervigilant every second trying to prevent something I knew would happen as I had seen it in the past. I would not be here defending myself from being an alcoholic. I ws an athlete,, drugs and alcohol would have slowed me down. That 40 pounds was muscle. Maybe they wanted to get rid of of me for the Auschwitz resemblance, our company advertised happy healthy looking people. I was trying to show. how not knowing and not getting the correct help, spirals out of control. I want nurses to know how common it is. I want management to not only know the symptoms. But how to detect it early and get some corrective programs in place. I want them to not harass but to help the nurse. I want people to see my story and say that is crazy, there is no way other nurses would allow it to go that far, because its symptoms are well known . I want compassion from my friends of 30 years that I miss, bit wont pick up the phone when they see my name. I asked lawyers if I have a case, alcohol kills the conversation. No one asks how much, except the attorney general. I was not intoxicated at all. Look up 0.03. My second a couple minutes later was 0.02. You dont seel t. I googled the wrong calculator that night. The point is, here is a 20 years plus RN trying to numb himself to the worst part of the day, without impairing himself at work. The pain was the worst I have ever imagined at that point. I would run to my kids room and stare at them, to make the suicidal thoughts go away. I could go deeper, but I want people to spread the word. One specialist is suggesting an empathy test. Those who have highest scores, should be counciled to avoid those 4 departments. I found that interesting. Please call me what you want. If I got your attention, I already won. This has given me a sense of purpose and of providing care again. I was a good Nurse. I loved taking care of my patients. I loved it when they talked about their lives. I have seen life through so many eyes, that was my blessing for almost 20 years.

Oh in the diversion, the psychiatrist told them I was in no way an alcoholic. I have hundreds of witnesses over decades. No one has ever seen me with alcohol or intoxicated. On the disciplinary report, that everyone can see online, Alcohol is not even mentioned. I was completely honest with everyone, I almost never lie, He went and tried to have the whole thing sealed, Make my licence just disappear, You know the boards answer was. I am not on the government exclusion list that is almost automatic, I was not intoxicated or even impaired at all, nor doing any procedure that day, just paperwork. I had a fraction of a beer they said. Tell everyone, I bet few know this and 25 percent of nurses have some of it and in some departments nearly every one. Make me the last

Yes, there was so much going on, and I was like the ball, just like a pinball machine. I will ret to clean it up tonight. It became bad, because it went on for years. I am still and will always be messed up. I have complete dissociation with the happy person I was before. I see him as another person. I dont know if that is permanent. That is why I really want people to know about it. It gives me purpose and closure in my nursing career. I am 50. I applied for dozens of jibs, took all the test to be a financial advisor. I found the 2012 article and study correct. Unless a nurse who lost a licence knows someone, they will like not be able to enter any career. That is the anger in me. I NEVER touched alcohol, not a drop in the 18 months since. Inly a few weeks before and only at night when I woke up. This was after I knew they were working on getting me fired. The job gave it to me, it was severs. Because U tried to suck it u and because I had very dependent people in my house, I Went on for years. For that reason, I can not use any of my three degree, I took other classes during nursing school. They all are worthless now. I am a very hard worker. It feels so unfair,

Knowing what it is has been the single greatest relief I have had. . It has give me some purpose too. I am mad I mean really mad. My employer was the biggest in the country it had the resources and I'm sure it knew what was going on. I want other to know. That was terrible. Already hypervigelent. You think you are a failure as a nurse and a father. I had over 100 biopsy on my skin In 2 years. Dont add the cost up. I do grow rare things and she said i should come in 2 times a year. This was a result of my job. When I got sick, management harrassed me constantly. As I said, i heard them planning it. I am mad my job did this and they threw me to the curb, as the union said the fastest in the history of the union. A normal me would have demanded we walk through that and ser if they missed steps and demanded the union help. I cant have my job back, no licence. We lost everything. So I could not stay in an expensive area. This need to be part of orientation

I was a great nurse. With more than 2 decades under my belt, almost all in hospice. The rest ICU, ER and oncology.. I never had heard of this. It affected me over several years, I went from being the best nurse there, to someone trying to make it through a day, paralyzed by anxiety. Avoiding TV and movies because they might contain my triggers. cancer, suffering. I went from a great dad to one my early teenagers avoid. New management wanted me out and I overheard it. The pressure doubled. I had severe 2 am panic attacks nightly, I stated to keep a bottle of schnapps near my bed. I had not had a drink in 25 years and schnapps was the only one, I could tolerate. I had a panic attack a couple hours later than normal. I tried to google a calculator to see how much was too much and be present at work.. This calculators was for DUI prevention, 0.08 was the goal. . I was taken to do a breathylizer. I asked for a union rep. Told I had 30 minutes. I had never been in trouble. I did not know how and they would not help, I begged them to tell me a way or be allowed to get help from another nurse. They were silent. At 30 minutes They said do it now or your terminated. I blew a 0.03 . Placed on administrative leave and sent home. I was already barely holding on , i became lethargic. The shrink covering my shrinks Vacation figured it out In seconds after years. He put me on disability to get my head to a place where I could at least communicate effectively and advocate for myself. I started getting the right help. Disability was 6 weeks long with a note to continue for another 6 months if they're unable to accommodate me and moved me to an department away from cancer death and suffering. 6 weeks later I got a call asked me to come in to discuss my accommodation, no union rep needed. We had all recieved a memo that there would be no Union reps available for 4 days. This was in the middle. I asked to reschedule, called the Union,l they said there was nothing I could do. They also had my check and I was broke. When I arrived it was a set up. I was offered 2 choices resign or be terminated. It was insinuated that if I resigned, the board would not find out and I could go get another job. They had already notified the board weeks earlier. I had to resign and the Union would do nothing afterwards. At the board the diversion was impossible for me after a couple months with a bed bound wife and special needs kids I had to take too much time to take them medical appoinmentsI. I was tricked out of the program and the Attorney General tried to help me, but could not because our board is punitive in California. We lost everything. Recently someone called a lawyer for me and he said that we have to complete the grievance process and he thinks he can help me because my Weingarten rights were broken and because of my disability was caused by work and it was a complete change in my behavior. The Union will do nothing ignores my requests. I'm just now getting to the point that I can effectively communicate after 18 months. Please tell everybody about this if I had known and not thought I was broken or falling apart. Even my family was telling me to suck it up, I did. I really did as long as I could. Tell everyone I have sent everyone messages that I know

I surrendered it. When you petition to get it back. Probation is almost automatic. So, I will be on probation. I know I need a sympathetic employer. However, some employers are known for working with nurses on probation, that is what I am trying to find out.

As my name states I messed up. I was an RN 25 years. 18 years in Hospice. I also have PTSD. I never really found a treatment that helped much. However, helping people distracted me and felt good. This last time I started downhill, my wife was told she had a long slow disease that would debilitate her her and she would not see her late 60s. So less than 17 years. She retreated to bed both because of the fatique and some understandable depression. I have 2 special needs kids just entering their teen years and all of a sudden the patients that I was helping were just a reminder of the inevitable and I always had a problem not getting emotionally attached after a few months to clients. So to start off I did not divert. In fact I was so naive, i never heard the term before going to meetings. One night I had a panic attack that woke me up at 3 am. I had an ambien or a couple shots to calm me down. I figured the alcohol would clear faster. I probably poored more than I should. Well, i am not a big drinker, so I went to work and they smelled it. I blew a 0.02. Not intoxicated but it is zero tolerance. I lost my job of 19 years and was put in the boards progam. My depression spiraled deep and they actually told me I should leave ( they give bad advice) so I surrendered my licence. Anyway I can petition to get it back in a few months. Getting away did help. I was able to get a new perspective and I want to go somewhere besides hospice. I lost my house and so can move anywhere. So, I know in the Sacramento area, insurance companies were the go to jobs on probation. I would really like to hear any info that would tell me the options across the state. Like what types of work can I get. Messedup101