i don't know where to start but i need to start somewhere. this will probably end up being long, if it is please bear with me. i need some advice. the first part is so long so if you want to get down to the current dilemma scroll til until you see the blue text.
i should start out with a little bit of info about my current situation. i am afraid i messed up nursing school for good.. i am 21 years old and i was accepted into a bsn program out of high school, one of 26 total people that were accepted. i was very fortunate. my first year of college i did well - grades were great (made dean's list) and i was happy and motivated overall as a person. i took some nursing pre-reqs (a&p i and ii, general and lifespan psych, nursing seminar) and did well (a's and b's) in them, i loved my classes. i had high ambitions for myself.
my second year i took a downward spiral. a lot of things happened in my personal life and i lacked the ability to effectively cope with it and as a result my grades went downhill. i felt depressed a lot of the time.. i could not focus on school. side effects of accutane were difficult to deal with, my face was covered in cysts and holes from those cysts popping because the accutane made my skin thin and weak and my self-esteem just plummeted. my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer that year and i was so scared about that. my relationships with those close to me had gone downhill. i had issues sleeping. living in a dorm i barely left my room at all, only to shower/go to the bathroom and attend class. once in a while i would eat.. i seldom went to the cafeteria, i mostly just ate whatever i had in my room at the time.. usually ramen noodles.
my gpa for that year went downhill, but i was still in the 2.8 - 3.0 *overall* gpa range because i did so well my first year, it was a nice buffer. that spring i only needed two pre-reqs before i could start clinical the following fall (fall '07) - speech communication and chemistry. i dropped speech because of the intense anxiety i experienced my first class. i was expecting my speeches to come in the middle and end of the course, but i was put on the spot the first class and i couldn't handle it, i stayed that class and left crying. i wanted to retake the course when i could better handle it. then i failed chemistry with a d - it was the only pre-requisite i really, really struggled with. i was supposed to retake it last summer so i could do clinicals but due to not having a car and living so far away from the nearest place that offered it, i was unable to do so.
i did not want to go back for my third year, but i did so because my home life was too stressful and i wouldn't be covered under my father's health insurance if i wasn't enrolled in school full-time. i foolishly went back thinking i could handle it, but i couldn't. i was enrolled in a concepts of professional nursing practice course and health assessment and planned to re-take chemistry and speech in the spring, i should have been fine.. but again, i messed that up too. i ended up dropping out of all of my classes in the spring. i had a's on my concepts exams but i missed a few of the other assignments so i received an incomplete for that. i passed health assessment lecture with a c - i was capable of a b or even an a, but unfortunately i was unprepared for two of the exams and received bad grades. i received mid-high b's on the other exams and i did amazingly well on the cumulative final examination for lecture, but i messed up lab because i couldn't finish my practicum. my third year i should have fixed things, but i dropped to a 2.6 or a 2.73 overall.
after that i realized something had to be done. i had to get my life together and i started getting help. now i am in such a better place mentally than i was before. now i want to go back to school because i want to - because i feel ready to. i have confidence in myself now, the same confidence i had in my freshman year. but now i am afraid it is too late.
i applied for admission to an lpn program. i took my entrance examination. i felt like i did fine on it except for the math. i was expecting to have done a stellar job on the spelling and science.. decently well on the academic aptitude section and vocational adjustment. my high school transcript was solid (strong in the sciences and english/communication), i had good references. i thought i would get in, and i thought i would do okay on the psb.
this morning i went in for my appointment to discuss admission and it turns out i did worse on the psb than i thought - my scores were all over the place. somehow i did a terrible job on the spelling (i thought i aced it!) and my vocational adjustment scores were low. i did very well on the science portion however, and the academic aptitude scores were fine except for the non-verbal part. she said it is now up to admissions as to whether or not i get in but given my mixed up psb results i am not sure if that will happen. i may have to re-take the exam and apply for admission to the august 2009 program, but i am afraid that i don't have what it takes to get in. i will have to retake the psb. in a way that is a relief to me - maybe i will perform better a second time - but another part of me is so nervous because i am afraid of doing badly again.
if i don't get in i will have to get a full-time job in a factory so i can have health insurance. i was considering applying to a local penn state campus for their rn-adn program for fall '09, but i am afraid i will not be allowed admission because of my old transcript from my other college. my pre-requisites are decent.. i had:
b's in a&p i and ii
a's in both psych courses and english
c in sociology and mechanisms of disease (kinda like microbiology)
a in nursing seminar
b in nutrition & diet therapy.
but i am afraid they are not going to care about my pre-reqs, they are going to look at all of the other gen-ed classes i didn't do as well in and that is going to screw me over.
i am afraid i will never be able to obtain admission to a nursing program, or that if i do it will be 2-4 years from now. i do not want to wait that long.. i had a good thing going and i messed it up.. depressed or not i should have tried to do better.. i feel so weak and i want to kick myself in the butt, hard. i am in a better place now and i truly think i have what it takes to handle nursing school.. but i am afraid that it is now too late for me. i don't want to work in a factory for the rest of my life. my mother keeps reminding me how badly i messed up and i feel even worse.
has a similar thing happened to anyone else before? i feel so hopeless.
I just read your last message. Regarding your mother and her comments about suicide.....
Don't let her guilt trip you like that! Give her a number to a counselor or suicide hotline and still live your life. That is completely absurd.
I'm wondering.....you mentioned there are 3 little ones in the home. Who is their primary caretaker....you or her?
It almost sounds to me like she is trying to convince you that you can't be successful in an attempt to guilt you into staying home so she has help with the kids. I'm not saying that's the case, but it sounds that way. Don't fall into that trap. Unfortunately, there are many people out there that will do the whole "I'll kill myself if you leave" drama. Don't play that game. And as bad as this might sound.....if she DOES do something stupid like that, it is NOT your fault.
Maybe part of the reason I worry too is because I am living at home. I have been offered a place to live with my uncle and his girlfriend. It is near the city so there is public transportation so it would be easier for me to work (I haven't been able to because I don't have access to transportation where I currently live) but I am afraid it will hurt my mother if I leave. She is unstable the way it is and I don't want to hurt her.. if she ended up hanging herself in our basement (she has made remarks about this before) or something because I left I would feel horrible.
I would take the opportunity to live with your uncle. Your current living situation is obviously bringing you down. Tell your mom that moving is what is best for your future and that you will have more opportunities. Let her know that you love her, but it is time for you to pursue your future and that being at your uncle's is the best way for your to do that.
You would not be hurting her by leaving, you are making a better life for yourself and she should be proud of that. I fully believe in caring for others or I wouldn't want to enter healthcare, but sometimes you have to be just a little bit selfish if for nothing else but your sanity. Try not to look at the reasons that you shouldn't do this, try to focus on the reasons that you should. I am sure the positives would outweight the negatives. Take your lemons and make lemonade, your life will be much easier that way. I know it is hard to chose yourself, but sometimes it is what we gotta do. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best.
I agree with what indymom4 said it is a guilt trip. While you love your mom she needs help. I also agree with: kalley, take the opportunity to live with your uncle, you need to hold on to your sanity.
I just read your last message. Regarding your mother and her comments about suicide.....
Don't let her guilt trip you like that! Give her a number to a counselor or suicide hotline and still live your life. That is completely absurd.
I'm wondering.....you mentioned there are 3 little ones in the home. Who is their primary caretaker....you or her?
It almost sounds to me like she is trying to convince you that you can't be successful in an attempt to guilt you into staying home so she has help with the kids. I'm not saying that's the case, but it sounds that way. Don't fall into that trap. Unfortunately, there are many people out there that will do the whole "I'll kill myself if you leave" drama. Don't play that game. And as bad as this might sound.....if she DOES do something stupid like that, it is NOT your fault.
My mother is currently seeing a counselor but I don't think it's very beneficial for her. She only sees the counselor once a month (maybe longer between visits) but the counselor doesn't know the whole story. He doesn't see the way she blows up at small things, doesn't hear her telling me I'm a ***** and am going to end up killing the patients I don't like. He doesn't hear how she told her husband she hated him simply because she was stressed that he put the nails in the wall too high. Her therapist doesn't hear how she tells me I am stupid if I can't find something fast enough for her. Her therapist doesn't hear how she threatened to rip/cut my clothes if I tried to leave to stay with someone else.
The thing with my mother is she's had a bad life.. I know that deep down she's a good person and she has her days where she's very sweet and thoughtful. But there is that dark side to her.. me and my stepfather have tried to talk to her, tried calmly to tell her how we feel when she acts the way she does but she always ends up getting angry and defensive and saying stuff like, "You always expect me to be perfect. I am never allowed to have a bad day. I should just go hang myself in the basement, I can't do anything right." I am a very understanding person but this is not just a bad day - it's a 21 year + history of this kind of behavior. It is hard to always be patient and understanding with her when she verbally attacks me. She apologizes, but the next day she is back to the same old thing again. I worry about her, I don't know what to do anymore.
You're always going to worry about her but you have to try and set that aside and do what is best for your life. She is always going to be your mother but you don't have to let her run your life and continue to tear you down at every opportunity. If I were you, my bags would be packed and I'd be out the door.
I was married to a man like that and here's what I did. After 5 years of being controlled and manipulated, and being cut off from family and friends, money, etc.....I filed for divorce.
I had 3 kids, no job, no car, no friends, and two weeks to be out of my house.
I was somehow able to pull myself up by my boot straps and get my life moving in a positive direction. I am finally getting out of my sh** hole life and moving on to better things. I made a decision a long time ago that I was going to live my life for noone but my children and myself. My fiance is now included in that list but still.
Noone runs me but me. I used to be the biggest pushover in the world until I grew a brain and did something about the things I didn't like about my life.
I still have a long way to go, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It will likely be one of the hardest things you ever have to do, but you have to do it. Don't let her make you feel like less than what you are. If anything, use her negativity as the driving force behind your determinaton to do something with your life. You can do it!! Even if you don't get the support you need from her, it sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend in your corner that is trying to be supportive of your decision and giving you motivation. He believes in you and so do the people on this site. You just have to believe in yourself.
I just wanted to offer some support and say that I have been in a very similar situation before and everything will work out ok.
I was a superb student in high school-- national merit finalist, editor in chief of the newspaper, state finalist in competitive public speaking, I won the most prestigious award for contribution to my school. On paper I looked like I had it all and at 17 I went off to a very prestigious university. Everyone expected me to succeed, but I was miserable. Like you I didn't leave my room except to use the bathroom, shower, or go to class. I was so severely depressed I wouldn't even leave my room to go eat at the cafeteria (and I"m a girl who loves to eat:wink2:). I lost 25 lbs and was miserable.
I transferred schools and it was the BEST decision I made. While I was happier at my new school I was still depressed and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had some Cs and mostly Bs while there. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and I had a hard time with that (unlike you my mother and I are exceedingly close so that was so difficult for me). My grandparents were extremely ill and ended up passing away. I wasn't ready to go to school at that time. I took some time off of school to think about what it was I really wanted to do with my life. I worked a retail job, moved to a town where I was happy, and made new friends. I think back on this as the best decision I could have made for myself.
After time off and self reflection I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I enrolled in a new college and started my prerequisites. I applied myself and earned all As in them because I finally had a direction in my life. That's not to say I didn't have some bumps in the road. I withdrew from my courses one of those semesters because I was having a difficult time and depression reared it's ugly head. With medication it's been a year since I had to withdraw for the final time. There is no shame or stigma to using medication if that is what you need. I got As in subsequent courses when I came back. I was accepted into my new university's program (one of 48 accepted and 1000+ applied though more like 200 had complete eligible application) on my first try(this program has an excellent reputation). I wrote them a letter that explained the path I had taken and perhaps they appreciated that I had a little more life experience than some other applicants. I had dedicated all the time I needed to to working on myself, and I am now full able to devote myself to my future patients.
Is it hard to see all my friends graduate with their bachelors already? Sure. If I hadn't "messed up" I would have graduated 2.5 years ago. But I wouldn't have had real life experience. Is it hard to see people I went to high school with done with their masters? Yes. But I am happy with myself and the decisions I've made. I've persevered, and most importantly I LIKE MYSELF for who I am today.
From someone who has been there I wish you the greatest luck. I've learned to keep the negative people out of my life and keep the loving and supportive ones close. I think some time off from school, reflection, and perhaps some medication could be a great idea for you. I see a lot of myself in you. When you feel ready, re-enroll in school. You seem very intelligent and have no doubt that when you are in a better place and LIKE YOURSELF you will succeed and will make a wonderful nurse. I used to feel that I wasted so much time, but I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not taken the path I did.
I wish you all the best and keep us posted on your progress and decisions. There are people here who care and who want you succeed:loveya:
I had a bad start at college straight out of high school, too. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, and really just needed a break from school after a tough time in high school. I have lots of Fs on that transcript and it kills me to have to submit it to nursing programs, especially since I don't actually need any of the classes on it as prerequisites. And I'm pretty sure it's going to disqualify my from some programs that take overall GPA into account, even though I'd be highly competitive if they only took into account just the last few years.
A lot of programs only look at prerequisite GPA though, and one of the BSN programs around here only looks at the last 30 units + prerequisite classes if they fall outside that 30 units. By that measure, my GPA is much higher.
So, don't give up. Look for a program that will work for you, and consider taking some of the classes in which you got lower grades over again or taking some new classes in which you know you can do well to raise your GPA. If you can find a healthcare-related job (or volunteer position), it will also raise your chances of getting in to a lot of programs.
Please do not let your mother hold you back from beginning YOUR life. You need to start to put yourself first.
I can understand what you are going through. I was a very good student in high school and decided that I wanted to be a doctor. So I went away to college (also needed to get away from a bad family situation) and did very well, at first anyway. Then my parents started having a lot more problems than they already were. Daily phone calls from both, my mother yelling at me, calling me names etc... Well I went from Dean's list down to a low 2.2 GPA. I tried to hold on and get through, but I just couldn't get it back together. I ended up quitting school and not going back for almost 10 yrs.
Please do not let your mom do this to you. Be strong. You say you are feeling stronger and better than you were. It is very easy to slip backwards. Separate yourself from your home situation. Begin to live your life for you and DO NOT let your mom make your feel guilty. She is going to try her best to make you feel awful, and that you are abandoning her. You are NOT. You have grown up and it is time for you to move on with your life. Stand your ground and eventually she will back off. No doubt it will be tough to start with. Surround yourself with people that will support your decision. It will be really hard to start with, but you can do it and it will make you a stronger person in the end. HTH
You are only 21 years old. You have time on your side. I know you don't think you do, but you do. You say you did really well your 1st year of college so you are obviously a good student who is very capable of getting good grades. If you are worried about the grades you got on some courses maybe you can re-take those courses? Sometimes you have to take a few steps back to go forward.
At least you seem to have a direction. Some people your age don't. I know I didn't. So keep going, don't let anyone or anything stop you and before you know it you will reach your goal. Even if it takes a little longer it doesn't matter. In 2-4 years you can either be a nurse or you can still be where you are now. That is the great thing about time. It stops for no one. I say this because I am 34 years old and just went back to college. I wont finish until I am almost 40 years old because I have 3 kids and work full-time and can only take a few courses at a time. But I realized that I can either turn 40 and be exactly where I am today which is in a low paying job that threatens lay offs every couple of years:banghead: or I can turn 40 with a whole new life/career in front of me. Either way - I will still turn 40 whether I want to or not.
I think you should move in with your uncle if he is closer to the school and closer to a job for you. As far as your Mom, Dont let her bring you down. If anything, use her hurtful words as an incentive to prove her wrong.
You can't go back and change what has happened in the past. It is very possible for you to still get a nursing degree! When I was your age, I kept changing my college major. I once told my grandfather how I was going to graduate at such an old age. LOL. He said that it didn't matter. It's not some kind of race. :-)
You really might want to consider some counseling. I came from a messed up background, and have battled those depression demons for years. Counseling has really helped me.
I also split and took off for school as soon as I could. I had some rough semesters and even dropped out, but I did eventually graduate. Now, I'm 37 and planning on going to nursing school! Try not to be so hard on yourself.
If what you want to do is be a nurse, then you need to go for that. You will have regrets if you don't.
If you do have to retake the PSB, you might want to find a review book. Just keep practicing any kind of review problems and checking your answers over and over until you are ready for the test.
It sounds like you do need to get out of your toxic home environment. You might have to make that your priority. It could make a huge difference it how you feel.
but it is so hard to keep looking back on my mistakes and thinking of where I could be today.
That's why our eyes are on the FRONT of our heads! So we don't look backwards. We learn from our mistakes and keep our eyes focused on what CAN be, not what was. There's no changing the past. Let it go. Take from it only lessons that can help you in your future quest.
As for your Mom and all her issues, remember: you can't make her change. You can only change the way you react to her. She has to deal with her demons when and if she is ready to. But that doesn't mean that you have to allow her issues and negativity make you feel bad about yourself. This is something that counseling could definitely help you work though.
I think once you escape the atmosphere at home, you'll be able to take a deep breath again. And you'll be able to look at the home situation a teensy bit more objectively when you're not in the center of the storm. Sometimes we don't realize exactly how harmful a situation is until we get away from it.
I just had to read your post as the title was calling out for help. Please get out of that house. Your story has made me cry as I know how it feels to be at the end of a mother's verbal abuse.
I am 42 years old and I still hear those demons and the negative self talk. I know when you have this mindset it makes your goals harder to accomplish. You are 21 and my hope is for you to start right now telling yourself you are a wonderful and unique and that you are "good enough". Even if you don't believe it at first the more you say it the more it will become your reality. I don't want you to spend your life feeling inadequate like I did. Time goes by swiftly and before you know it you are 40.
Please do not waste another day on other people's negativity. I know it is particularly difficult when it is your mother because of the desire to look "good enough" in her eyes.
I have just graduated from an ADN program and I too dropped out of a nursing program and a physical therapy assistant program previosly because of feelings of low self worth. I did manage to get my RN with the support of positive people in my life.
The life you have led will make you a more compassionate person and a wonderful RN. You can do this. Just put one foot in front of the other and
i don't want to work in a factory for the rest of my life. my mother keeps reminding me how badly i messed up and i feel even worse.
Some people your age don't. I know I didn't.
Either way - I will still turn 40 whether I want to or not. 
As far as your Mom, Dont let her bring you down. If anything, use her hurtful words as an incentive to prove her wrong.
obicurn
565 Posts
I just read your last message. Regarding your mother and her comments about suicide.....
Don't let her guilt trip you like that! Give her a number to a counselor or suicide hotline and still live your life. That is completely absurd.
I'm wondering.....you mentioned there are 3 little ones in the home. Who is their primary caretaker....you or her?
It almost sounds to me like she is trying to convince you that you can't be successful in an attempt to guilt you into staying home so she has help with the kids. I'm not saying that's the case, but it sounds that way. Don't fall into that trap. Unfortunately, there are many people out there that will do the whole "I'll kill myself if you leave" drama. Don't play that game. And as bad as this might sound.....if she DOES do something stupid like that, it is NOT your fault.