i don't know where to start but i need to start somewhere. this will probably end up being long, if it is please bear with me. i need some advice. the first part is so long so if you want to get down to the current dilemma scroll til until you see the blue text.
i should start out with a little bit of info about my current situation. i am afraid i messed up nursing school for good.. i am 21 years old and i was accepted into a bsn program out of high school, one of 26 total people that were accepted. i was very fortunate. my first year of college i did well - grades were great (made dean's list) and i was happy and motivated overall as a person. i took some nursing pre-reqs (a&p i and ii, general and lifespan psych, nursing seminar) and did well (a's and b's) in them, i loved my classes. i had high ambitions for myself.
my second year i took a downward spiral. a lot of things happened in my personal life and i lacked the ability to effectively cope with it and as a result my grades went downhill. i felt depressed a lot of the time.. i could not focus on school. side effects of accutane were difficult to deal with, my face was covered in cysts and holes from those cysts popping because the accutane made my skin thin and weak and my self-esteem just plummeted. my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer that year and i was so scared about that. my relationships with those close to me had gone downhill. i had issues sleeping. living in a dorm i barely left my room at all, only to shower/go to the bathroom and attend class. once in a while i would eat.. i seldom went to the cafeteria, i mostly just ate whatever i had in my room at the time.. usually ramen noodles.
my gpa for that year went downhill, but i was still in the 2.8 - 3.0 *overall* gpa range because i did so well my first year, it was a nice buffer. that spring i only needed two pre-reqs before i could start clinical the following fall (fall '07) - speech communication and chemistry. i dropped speech because of the intense anxiety i experienced my first class. i was expecting my speeches to come in the middle and end of the course, but i was put on the spot the first class and i couldn't handle it, i stayed that class and left crying. i wanted to retake the course when i could better handle it. then i failed chemistry with a d - it was the only pre-requisite i really, really struggled with. i was supposed to retake it last summer so i could do clinicals but due to not having a car and living so far away from the nearest place that offered it, i was unable to do so.
i did not want to go back for my third year, but i did so because my home life was too stressful and i wouldn't be covered under my father's health insurance if i wasn't enrolled in school full-time. i foolishly went back thinking i could handle it, but i couldn't. i was enrolled in a concepts of professional nursing practice course and health assessment and planned to re-take chemistry and speech in the spring, i should have been fine.. but again, i messed that up too. i ended up dropping out of all of my classes in the spring. i had a's on my concepts exams but i missed a few of the other assignments so i received an incomplete for that. i passed health assessment lecture with a c - i was capable of a b or even an a, but unfortunately i was unprepared for two of the exams and received bad grades. i received mid-high b's on the other exams and i did amazingly well on the cumulative final examination for lecture, but i messed up lab because i couldn't finish my practicum. my third year i should have fixed things, but i dropped to a 2.6 or a 2.73 overall.
after that i realized something had to be done. i had to get my life together and i started getting help. now i am in such a better place mentally than i was before. now i want to go back to school because i want to - because i feel ready to. i have confidence in myself now, the same confidence i had in my freshman year. but now i am afraid it is too late.
i applied for admission to an lpn program. i took my entrance examination. i felt like i did fine on it except for the math. i was expecting to have done a stellar job on the spelling and science.. decently well on the academic aptitude section and vocational adjustment. my high school transcript was solid (strong in the sciences and english/communication), i had good references. i thought i would get in, and i thought i would do okay on the psb.
this morning i went in for my appointment to discuss admission and it turns out i did worse on the psb than i thought - my scores were all over the place. somehow i did a terrible job on the spelling (i thought i aced it!) and my vocational adjustment scores were low. i did very well on the science portion however, and the academic aptitude scores were fine except for the non-verbal part. she said it is now up to admissions as to whether or not i get in but given my mixed up psb results i am not sure if that will happen. i may have to re-take the exam and apply for admission to the august 2009 program, but i am afraid that i don't have what it takes to get in. i will have to retake the psb. in a way that is a relief to me - maybe i will perform better a second time - but another part of me is so nervous because i am afraid of doing badly again.
if i don't get in i will have to get a full-time job in a factory so i can have health insurance. i was considering applying to a local penn state campus for their rn-adn program for fall '09, but i am afraid i will not be allowed admission because of my old transcript from my other college. my pre-requisites are decent.. i had:
b's in a&p i and ii
a's in both psych courses and english
c in sociology and mechanisms of disease (kinda like microbiology)
a in nursing seminar
b in nutrition & diet therapy.
but i am afraid they are not going to care about my pre-reqs, they are going to look at all of the other gen-ed classes i didn't do as well in and that is going to screw me over.
i am afraid i will never be able to obtain admission to a nursing program, or that if i do it will be 2-4 years from now. i do not want to wait that long.. i had a good thing going and i messed it up.. depressed or not i should have tried to do better.. i feel so weak and i want to kick myself in the butt, hard. i am in a better place now and i truly think i have what it takes to handle nursing school.. but i am afraid that it is now too late for me. i don't want to work in a factory for the rest of my life. my mother keeps reminding me how badly i messed up and i feel even worse.
has a similar thing happened to anyone else before? i feel so hopeless.
I just wanted to thank all of you who responded with positive words and encouragement and stories of their own. It has helped to put things in perspective for me a bit. :) I am still going to worry but whenever I feel overwhelmed I am going to come here and read the posts, maybe it will give me a swift kick in the butt and remind me not to be so hard on myself about things.
If I ever end up becoming a nurse I hope I'll be lucky enough to have co-workers as great as yourselves.
:heartbeat:heartbeat :heartbeat Ok first of all I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of these things. Life is hard and complicated anyway without the extra stuff, isn't it? As a Mom and as a daughter, I can totally feel what you are going through. I am someone who has been prone to depression, ever since I was a small child. I watched my mother be abused by my stepdad for 10 years. Then when they divorced my Mom started partying. HARD. I was only 12 with two younger siblings to take care of. I dropped out of highschool not once, not twicw, but THREE times. All because of my home life, low self image and plain old horrible parenting. My little sister still don't even have their GED's and they are 25 and 28. But, we have all grown and love each other. My Mom is a Christian now and is trying hard to make up for every mistake she made.
I think that your mother has a problem that is more than you alone can help her with. The other posters have given good advice regarding giving her suicide helpline numbers, etc. I really think that it is wrong as a mom for her to hold you accountable for her actions like that. When I was at my worst I remember trying to tell my ex husband the same sort of things. Like if you don't do this I'll be messed up, or whatever. Looking back I know that that was so wrong of me. I learned in my Dev. Psych (and Dr. Phil!) That NO ONE else can make you a certain way (whether it is depressed, angry, suicidal or even happy). You control your very own emotions. All by your little old self. She is the one that has to help herself. Whereas you my dear have to get yourself on the road going forward!
I think that you should follow your nursing dreams. There are many routes to take to get you there. Mine just happens to be a Community College, that I adore! It has taken me a looong time. I started at a Vo-tech school in '98 for petes sake. I never even graduated from there and none of my credits transferred. Now it is for real. I just got accepted for Summer 09'. I have two kiddies, that makes this pretty hard. You are going to have your own set of reasons it is hard. But, you have to remember that going through trials and tribulations makes us who we are. If everything came too easy, I suspect we wouldn't appereciate them so much!
A couple of things I think you should think about are getting out of the house you are in. Your uncles house sounds like a good idea. But, if that fell through you could always get a few girl room mates in an apartment. Also financial aid is an option. Then if you need more, research every scholarship you can find (there are threads here I am sure) even look into a part time job (maybe a bookstore where you could study a little on the job).
There are ways around everything. Or as my Papa used to say "There are more ways than one to skin a cat." I always wondered why you would even want to skin a cat, but whatever! Good luck!
i don't want to work in a factory for the rest of my life. my mother keeps reminding me how badly i messed up and i feel even worse.
Comfortably_Numb
42 Posts
I just wanted to thank all of you who responded with positive words and encouragement and stories of their own. It has helped to put things in perspective for me a bit. :) I am still going to worry but whenever I feel overwhelmed I am going to come here and read the posts, maybe it will give me a swift kick in the butt and remind me not to be so hard on myself about things.
If I ever end up becoming a nurse I hope I'll be lucky enough to have co-workers as great as yourselves.