Scared, Disappointed, Stressed. Very long but I need some advice.

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i don't know where to start but i need to start somewhere. this will probably end up being long, if it is please bear with me. i need some advice. the first part is so long so if you want to get down to the current dilemma scroll til until you see the blue text.

i should start out with a little bit of info about my current situation. i am afraid i messed up nursing school for good.. i am 21 years old and i was accepted into a bsn program out of high school, one of 26 total people that were accepted. i was very fortunate. my first year of college i did well - grades were great (made dean's list) and i was happy and motivated overall as a person. i took some nursing pre-reqs (a&p i and ii, general and lifespan psych, nursing seminar) and did well (a's and b's) in them, i loved my classes. i had high ambitions for myself.

my second year i took a downward spiral. a lot of things happened in my personal life and i lacked the ability to effectively cope with it and as a result my grades went downhill. i felt depressed a lot of the time.. i could not focus on school. side effects of accutane were difficult to deal with, my face was covered in cysts and holes from those cysts popping because the accutane made my skin thin and weak and my self-esteem just plummeted. my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer that year and i was so scared about that. my relationships with those close to me had gone downhill. i had issues sleeping. living in a dorm i barely left my room at all, only to shower/go to the bathroom and attend class. once in a while i would eat.. i seldom went to the cafeteria, i mostly just ate whatever i had in my room at the time.. usually ramen noodles.

my gpa for that year went downhill, but i was still in the 2.8 - 3.0 *overall* gpa range because i did so well my first year, it was a nice buffer. that spring i only needed two pre-reqs before i could start clinical the following fall (fall '07) - speech communication and chemistry. i dropped speech because of the intense anxiety i experienced my first class. i was expecting my speeches to come in the middle and end of the course, but i was put on the spot the first class and i couldn't handle it, i stayed that class and left crying. i wanted to retake the course when i could better handle it. then i failed chemistry with a d - it was the only pre-requisite i really, really struggled with. i was supposed to retake it last summer so i could do clinicals but due to not having a car and living so far away from the nearest place that offered it, i was unable to do so.

i did not want to go back for my third year, but i did so because my home life was too stressful and i wouldn't be covered under my father's health insurance if i wasn't enrolled in school full-time. i foolishly went back thinking i could handle it, but i couldn't. i was enrolled in a concepts of professional nursing practice course and health assessment and planned to re-take chemistry and speech in the spring, i should have been fine.. but again, i messed that up too. i ended up dropping out of all of my classes in the spring. i had a's on my concepts exams but i missed a few of the other assignments so i received an incomplete for that. i passed health assessment lecture with a c - i was capable of a b or even an a, but unfortunately i was unprepared for two of the exams and received bad grades. i received mid-high b's on the other exams and i did amazingly well on the cumulative final examination for lecture, but i messed up lab because i couldn't finish my practicum. my third year i should have fixed things, but i dropped to a 2.6 or a 2.73 overall.

after that i realized something had to be done. i had to get my life together and i started getting help. now i am in such a better place mentally than i was before. now i want to go back to school because i want to - because i feel ready to. i have confidence in myself now, the same confidence i had in my freshman year. but now i am afraid it is too late.

i applied for admission to an lpn program. i took my entrance examination. i felt like i did fine on it except for the math. i was expecting to have done a stellar job on the spelling and science.. decently well on the academic aptitude section and vocational adjustment. my high school transcript was solid (strong in the sciences and english/communication), i had good references. i thought i would get in, and i thought i would do okay on the psb.

this morning i went in for my appointment to discuss admission and it turns out i did worse on the psb than i thought - my scores were all over the place. somehow i did a terrible job on the spelling (i thought i aced it!) and my vocational adjustment scores were low. i did very well on the science portion however, and the academic aptitude scores were fine except for the non-verbal part. she said it is now up to admissions as to whether or not i get in but given my mixed up psb results i am not sure if that will happen. i may have to re-take the exam and apply for admission to the august 2009 program, but i am afraid that i don't have what it takes to get in. i will have to retake the psb. in a way that is a relief to me - maybe i will perform better a second time - but another part of me is so nervous because i am afraid of doing badly again.

if i don't get in i will have to get a full-time job in a factory so i can have health insurance. i was considering applying to a local penn state campus for their rn-adn program for fall '09, but i am afraid i will not be allowed admission because of my old transcript from my other college. my pre-requisites are decent.. i had:

b's in a&p i and ii

a's in both psych courses and english

c in sociology and mechanisms of disease (kinda like microbiology)

a in nursing seminar

b in nutrition & diet therapy.

but i am afraid they are not going to care about my pre-reqs, they are going to look at all of the other gen-ed classes i didn't do as well in and that is going to screw me over.

i am afraid i will never be able to obtain admission to a nursing program, or that if i do it will be 2-4 years from now. i do not want to wait that long.. i had a good thing going and i messed it up.. depressed or not i should have tried to do better.. i feel so weak and i want to kick myself in the butt, hard. i am in a better place now and i truly think i have what it takes to handle nursing school.. but i am afraid that it is now too late for me. :( i don't want to work in a factory for the rest of my life. my mother keeps reminding me how badly i messed up and i feel even worse.

has a similar thing happened to anyone else before? i feel so hopeless.

thank you for reading.

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I think the main point here is you recognize where your mistakes are and you know what you have to do now. I did the same thing with school. Changed my major 5 times before I finally decided on nursing. I found out what the requirements are at my school for entry to the program and I did that. I was accepted on my first attempt and I start Monday.

No matter what is in your past, don't discount your future because of it. Now is the time to do something about it. Even if it takes 2-4 years, that time is going to pass regardless of if you're in school or not. So you have to decide if you want to be a nurse 2-4 years from now, or if you want to still be kicking yourself for not taking that step.

Don't worry about what other people say. You have to believe in yourself or it will never happen. If you want it, then go after it. You're only 21 years old. 2-4 years isn't that long. Let me tell you....I am almost 29 and I've been piddle-farting around with college for the last 10 years. Don't be me!!! I wish I had done this a long time ago. Good luck to you!!

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Don't be so hard on yourself! Negative self-talk like that only perpetuates the feelings of depression and self hatred. Keep the goal of becoming a nurse always in your mind. Remind yourself at how far you have come from those tough few years. Honestly, what does it matter if it takes a year or two longer than what you originally planned? If you are happy once you get there, enjoy it and don't dwell on past regrets regarding school and grades.

Plus, you are in luck -most programs now are not just looking for cookie-cutter, straight A students. They look at the entire person- their life experiences, extra curriculars, etc. Distinguish yourself from the other applicants- whether it is an amazing personal statement in which you address the reason for your academic hardships (and don't be afraid to get personal, just still remain professional) or a particular cause that you're devoted to (and can back up with volunteer experiences). Just don't loose hope in yourself! Keep your chin up!

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Thank you both for your kind words. It is so hard to remain optimistic when I am constantly reminded by my parents (mostly my mother) about the mistakes I have made. They wanted me to go to a local campus and get my ADN there, but I chose to go away to school because my home life has been bad since I was a child.. my mother is a good person but she also has mental issues and has a history of being abusive to me.. When I was a child I would get hit. Now that I am an adult it is verbal abuse.. she is under a lot of stress and it is always directed towards me or her husband. I have 3 siblings ages 7 and 2 (twin boys) and she is good to them at least.. but for some reason I get treated differently. She had me when she was 17 and now she is 38. I think she learned from me what NOT to do with her other kids, but she is still hard to live with.. going through menopause, short-fused, directs the anger at me. I think I am resilient and good at handling stress but a lifetime of being unhappy at home is beginning to get to me.

I wanted a nursing degree, but I also saw school as a chance to get away from home. Education was the key to my escape, to starting my own life, and I messed that up because I was too weak to handle what was going on. I wasted 3 years of my life and I will have 3 years worth of bills to start paying off in Spring '09 when I should have been graduating with my RN. I could have been making my getaway now.. I could have been getting ready to start my life, answering to myself and not dealing with the way things are at home.. Waiting 2-4 more years to escape feels like forever.

Maybe I am a bit naive and sheltered but I have it in my mind that I won't be able to make it out there in the world unless I have a good job. I don't know what to expect out there. I am so worried that I screwed myself over with in nursing because health care is the only field I can ever see myself making a career in. Nursing appealed to me because of the nature of the work (despite the high stress levels at times) and the vast amount of opportunities in it.. There are so many areas you can work in, so many different types of patients and settings out there that you don't have to be stuck doing one thing.

My boyfriend tells me, "It is only the end of the world if you make it out to be. You are 21, you talk as if your life has passed you by. It will take longer but this mistake isn't going to dictate the rest of your life." I just feel like a loser.. school was one of the few things I had going for me in my life and I screwed up. I know I made a big mistake.. but my mom keeps rubbing it in my face and I feel hopeless, I feel like I can't fix this and I am going to be a nobody.

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You mentioned that you got help and are in a better place now. Reading your posts it sounds to me like you still have alot of issues and are severely depressed. Are you continuing to get counseling?

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" I wasted 3 years of my life".

No you didn't, honey. They were three, tough years. But they made you who you are today -- a stronger, more focused person who has been on quite a journey. A person who is going to be an amazing nurse, because you REALLY know where people are coming from when they tell you they are suffering, whether it's physical or emotional.

You are at a crossroads. This is where life has brought you. You don't know where life is going to take you, but you CAN move ahead with your plans. You CAN get out of this negative frame of mind and refuse to believe any of the junk you hear from your mother or from others. Every time you think "I am a loser", you have given them some more power over you! Reclaim yourself and your power. And don't look back!

If necessary, do an entire year at any school and blow them out of the water. PROVE to yourself and anyone else who needs to know (like future school counselors) that you have changed. That you are motivated. That, like you said, you've gotten your energy and enthusiasm for nursing back.

It won't be easy, but YOU CAN DO THIS!

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No, I'm not in counseling. I don't know - I feel okay with myself now, I don't feel ashamed to go out there and be in front of people anymore.. I think I could focus on school and do well. It is just my home life that is undesirable. I am unhappy here. I need to get out of here but I'm afraid I won't financially be able to support myself until I have a degree.

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You need a change of environment ASAP. You need change in your life and you need it NOW. You will not be able to focus to achieve your goals if you are not in a stable environment and to start the (mental) healing process. I was in the same situation like you, in regards to the home life with my mother. Things only began to change when I left home and started making a life for myself. I am not telling you to run from your problems but I am telling you to take hold of YOUR LIFE. This has clearly contributed to your mental state of mind, (and not in a good way).

Remember the saying you may have heard when you were a kid, "sticks and stones may break your bones but words won't hurt". Well reality check, they do. Pleas stop being so hard on yourself and start confessing good things in your life. Start speaking positive things and start taking baby steps by making one good decision at a time and stick to it.

You have made mistakes in your past but we all have a past and I myself have messed up due to many problems in my life when I attempted college the first time around. My GPA suffered terribly but I decided that I wasn't a quitter and no matter how hard it gets or how far away it seems I am going to endure till the end, until I officially become an RN. You have to want it so bad that you can not leave room for failure. Sometimes you would be surprised at WHO is only waiting for you to fail at something only to poke fun at you and say I told you so, or you see I knew you could't do it. Sometimes the people we expect to be in our corner aren't, and that hurts the most.

Just keep in mind that you are not the same person that you were when you first started school, you've been through a lot, so when you do start back school take a new aproach on things. Maybe you were able to handle a full course load the first time around but try to figure out what works best for you this time around. You can do it, just think positive. And remember if you are in a car going somewhere and your eyes is fixed on the rear view mirror, how can you go forward if you are looking back. Take your eyes of the rear view mirror and go forward till you reach your destination.

We're all routing for you:anpom:

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I can't say that I am in the exact same boat as you, but similar. I too was trying to escape my family. I had moved out of my house before the end of my senior year of high school. I was a good student in high school and thought I could make it on my own. I started taking nursing pre-reqs when I was 19. I followed my HS boyfriend down to Virginia for college and was 4 hrs from my closest family members. I was going to school full-time, working full-time, and trying to be a typical college student. I didn't do well my first semester, had incompletes in my A&P I class and my English Comp. I finished the next 2 full time semesters of college and then quit, never finishing. I also got away from the nursing pre-reqs because I had the problems in A&P. The 2 incompletes turned to "F"s on my transcripts. Consequently, my GPA was 2.63. Without those 2 grades my GPA would have been a 3.4 and I know that I could have done better than that if I would have applied myself just a little bit more.

Fast forward 10 years. I am now 29, happily married with 2 boys. I have moved around for years and had several different jobs and opportunities. Everytime I have looked for a job I have kicked myself for not finishing what I started. After carefull consideration and the urging of my family I am starting classes again next week. I went and spoke with the director of admissions at my local community college and we discussed my options. She told me that the nursing students that are starting this fall have a min GPA of 3.4 and that it was typically 3.2. You have to have a minimum GPA of 2.5 to even apply for their program. She told me that I can take a full course load this fall and it would reestablish a GPA that they would look at exclusively for the nursing program. Therefore I am taking A&PI, Descriptive Chem, Wellness, and Human Growth and Development. I know it will be hard, but I am sure I can do it. I am just going in with a possitive attitude and a goal of a 4.0.

It sounds like you are ready to tackle this. Find possitive people and surround yourself with them. Don't let the negativity get to you. I know that is easier said than done, but just believe in yourself. Best of luck.

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" I wasted 3 years of my life".

No you didn't, honey. They were three, tough years. But they made you who you are today -- a stronger, more focused person who has been on quite a journey. A person who is going to be an amazing nurse, because you REALLY know where people are coming from when they tell you they are suffering, whether it's physical or emotional.

You are at a crossroads. This is where life has brought you. You don't know where life is going to take you, but you CAN move ahead with your plans. You CAN get out of this negative frame of mind and refuse to believe any of the junk you hear from your mother or from others. Every time you think "I am a loser", you have given them some more power over you! Reclaim yourself and your power. And don't look back!

If necessary, do an entire year at any school and blow them out of the water. PROVE to yourself and anyone else who needs to know (like future school counselors) that you have changed. That you are motivated. That, like you said, you've gotten your energy and enthusiasm for nursing back.

It won't be easy, but YOU CAN DO THIS!

I hope so. I am just so afraid of not being given another chance. I was looking at Diagnostic Medical Sonography as something else to turn to in case I can't get readmission to nursing school.. but to tell the truth, that job doesn't appeal to me as much as nursing does. I will have to make do with the chances I have now and try to make the most of it.. but it is so hard to keep looking back on my mistakes and thinking of where I could be today.

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I can't say that I am in the exact same boat as you, but similar. I too was trying to escape my family. I had moved out of my house before the end of my senior year of high school. I was a good student in high school and thought I could make it on my own. I started taking nursing pre-reqs when I was 19. I followed my HS boyfriend down to Virginia for college and was 4 hrs from my closest family members. I was going to school full-time, working full-time, and trying to be a typical college student. I didn't do well my first semester, had incompletes in my A&P I class and my English Comp. I finished the next 2 full time semesters of college and then quit, never finishing. I also got away from the nursing pre-reqs because I had the problems in A&P. The 2 incompletes turned to "F"s on my transcripts. Consequently, my GPA was 2.63. Without those 2 grades my GPA would have been a 3.4 and I know that I could have done better than that if I would have applied myself just a little bit more.

Fast forward 10 years. I am now 29, happily married with 2 boys. I have moved around for years and had several different jobs and opportunities. Everytime I have looked for a job I have kicked myself for not finishing what I started. After carefull consideration and the urging of my family I am starting classes again next week. I went and spoke with the director of admissions at my local community college and we discussed my options. She told me that the nursing students that are starting this fall have a min GPA of 3.4 and that it was typically 3.2. You have to have a minimum GPA of 2.5 to even apply for their program. She told me that I can take a full course load this fall and it would reestablish a GPA that they would look at exclusively for the nursing program. Therefore I am taking A&PI, Descriptive Chem, Wellness, and Human Growth and Development. I know it will be hard, but I am sure I can do it. I am just going in with a possitive attitude and a goal of a 4.0.

It sounds like you are ready to tackle this. Find possitive people and surround yourself with them. Don't let the negativity get to you. I know that is easier said than done, but just believe in yourself. Best of luck.

Thank you. :) I have considered retaking courses (even ones I did well in) to have a good GPA but the financial aspect makes me worry. I am already so upset that I spent money on 3 years of school and it was all a waste. I am going to have to repay those loans soon and I am worried I won't be able to afford it all - loans, cost of living, other things.

I try to be positive but then I always go back into the same mindset. I wish I could fast forward to 5, 10 years from now and see if I will be in a good place. Maybe then I wouldn't worry so much.

Maybe part of the reason I worry too is because I am living at home. I have been offered a place to live with my uncle and his girlfriend. It is near the city so there is public transportation so it would be easier for me to work (I haven't been able to because I don't have access to transportation where I currently live) but I am afraid it will hurt my mother if I leave. She is unstable the way it is and I don't want to hurt her.. if she ended up hanging herself in our basement (she has made remarks about this before) or something because I left I would feel horrible.

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Just a thought here. Do you qualify or any kind of financial aid? You might want to look at living in the dorms at school. I'm usually not an advocate of taking out a bunch of loans but it is an option. It would also accomplish your goal of getting out of that house and into a more positive environment. On the flip side, you will have to pay off the loans after you graduate so make sure you stick with school and see it all the way through, no matter what difficulties you have in your life. This is your life and it is important.

If you must stay with your mother, ear plugs are wonderful. Just don't listen when she says the negative things to you. You know who you are and what you have come through and that's all that really matters. As someone else mentioned, 3 years of your life has not been wasted. You've had that time to take a good long look at yourself and figure out where things went wrong and what you need to do to correct it.

Where will you be in 2-4 years if you don't go for this? Most likely in the same place, posting this same kind of message about how you've now gone 5 or so years, etc. etc. OR you could get this education under your belt and have RN beside your name and live in a home that you own. Where you call the shots. And then you tell Mom to stuff it.

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