After several weeks of leaving work depressed I am finally asking for advice here. What do you do when family members talk down to you? I am so discouraged that I am seriously considering a change in profession. I guess when I say "talk down" I am putting it lightly. I should say: scream, curse, bad mouth, yell and otherwise expect you to be the Walmart Service Desk. I am a strong person, I can take up for myself. I have no problem referring the person to the proper management personel that can take the service requests better then me due to their inflated salary and nice office chairs. But the treatment I have been recieving hurts. I guess I went into this profession because I have compassion for others, understand their downfalls and want to help make it better. Is it just me or has the generations changed in their ways of thinking? When I first started in Nursing as a CNA the pts, and family members were appreciative. Now very few are ever appreciative. If staff answers their call in 3 minutes it should have been 1. I blame some on management, for always promising the best when they know they cannot always provide the best 100% of the time. But are people becoming more rude then ever? How do you stand up for yourself in a professional way? I have thought that maybe it is just me, but I got to talking with other staff who say that they to have been insulted personally and professionally and do not really know how to respond. I know that part of the problem is the fact that we are also short staffed, and family members do not know that their anger directed towards me is useless and ineffective since I cannot fix the situation, but that doesn't make me feel any better!
In my years of nursing, (10+) I have only come across one patient and family that I trully could not deal with. I am NOT super-nurse either. I agree with the above posts that if you share in understanding what the patients and families are going through when someone is sick and hospitalized, and give good care, it can be resolved. HOWEVER, there is always the exception.
I took care of a patient a while back who was trully verbally ABUSIVE to me. She and her sister kept re-emphasizing how inadequate the care was. She was making unreasonable requests, and when nor granted, got very mean. I continued to take care of her for the next few hours, (as I was assigned to the patient as a 1:1, and charge nurse..) until I could not take the abuse anymore. In the past she had repeatedly called administration, and this time I called them. I reported her as being verbally and mentally abusive. I had NEVER been treated like this, in my life by ANYONE. And trully, I was going out of my way to please, and it was the first time she had laid eyes on me. Administration then came to stand outside of the door, as I walked into her room, to routinley administer meds, and they heard as she harrased and demeaned me as a human being. Managment WITNESSED what I was saying, and agreed with me. I then gave up the patient to another soul, and eventually, she was discharged the same day.
There are some people in this world, no matter how hard you try, that you will not please. Please do not let any comment reflect on how you nurse, or your emotional well-being as a person. You and your family know who you are, and that is all that matters. Self-respect and self-esteem, NO ONE can take that from you.
Oh, did I mention that I again bumped into that mean patient in Wal-Mart? And THAT is another story!!!!!!!!!!:)
I've seen a trend over the years where patients and/or families seem to be more demanding and rude. Television programs have demystified the medical community --there are all types of programs that realistically and unrealistically portray what we do and some people believe it all. Patient/nurse ratios don't help and involving patient's in their care is wonderful except some patients go to the extremes--thinking we're the Hilton, standing by to wait on them hand and foot. I actually had a 28 year old post/op lap cholecystectomy call me to her room to hand her the water cup on the day she was to be discharged. It was within her reach! When I told her she could do this herself and needed to do as much for herself as she could, she actually told me she thought that was what I was there for. :uhoh21:
I've been lucky too about being able to get along with my patients, validating their legitimate concerns and finding a solution that calms them down--with the exception of one guy who was just mean and cruel for no reason. That's one reason I work nights now. I'm gettin' too old for a lot of this nonsense.
I hate when management says to be extra nice to a patient/family because they are demanding and complain a lot. The family knows this and uses it to their advantage--and even then, they usually find something else to complain about. Last week I wound up staying in this room for 50 minutes because the family kept asking me to do mundane things and I was gowned and masked and hotter than the Mojave desert and I had 7 other patients to tend too. I know the patient was sick, but so were the other patients I had. And the pillows I kept fluffing could have been fluffed by one of the four family members in the room!!!!!
The worst visitor I ever had was a man who would scream and yell at us all the time. He would yell about the horrible care his wife was getting. He would yell and insult us for every little thing. This went on for months. One night I had had enough. When he attacked I said "Well if your wife is getting such horrible care here why keep her here? Why don't you take her home and you take care of her yourself? He didn't say a word and he never yelled at me again.
I am not a nurse yet, just doing prereqs to enter next year, but I know a lot about being a lay person and a family member. My mom has been in the hospital 4 times for 4 different reasons over the past few years. Most recently she had an accident that put her in a hospital for 1 week and an LTC for 4, so I can offer up some explanation (not justification) on why patients families are rude. First I want to say that using profanities and threats is never okay even if you are upset. I really think nurses and other medical professionals are doing something wonderful and deserve the greatest respect. The reason for the rudeness is that patient's families may be going through the most difficult and scary experience of their lives. This is not an excuse to abuse people and doesn't mean you should take it, but sometimes there are legitimate problems and the patient/family has the right to request a change. When complaints are legit, I think it is a good thing that patients and families stick up for themselves. The problem is that they are not on their best behavior and/or they may be complaining to the wrong person (not the one who messed up or won't respond). In other words, they might come off as rude when they really mean no harm. In my case, I have only gotten upset twice (did not scream or use profanities though). Both times I think there were good reasons. Also, I did not get upset until I had repeatedly tried every kindness and official avenue. I recognize now I might have handled it better but in one case, I am not sure what would have happened to my mom if I hadn't demanded change. I was afraid to leave her room for fear she might be harmed. I may have overreacted a bit but I still think my "rudeness" protected her from some things that could have made her condition worse. Like I said, I have been in hospitals a lot and I knew from experience that other hospitals had better standards of care. Most of the time it is not a nurses fault even when things are screwed up and I don't justify rude behavior, on the other hand, there are rare cases when they just might be right about something and it might be pretty easy to calm them down by just listening, explaining or apologizing. In my case, I received lots of apologies and a promise to hold accountable the people (at least some of them) who made mistakes. Also, my mom finally got a band put on her arm that listed her allergies, and after 5 days, a doctor came and explained my mom's conditions. Once I had some information I got some sleep and some food and I was really nice to the people who helped me. In fact, I offered to call their supervisors and explain how great they were, but they said no. So anyway, on behalf of families, I apologize and ask for your mercy.
The worst visitor I ever had was a man who would scream and yell at us all the time. He would yell about the horrible care his wife was getting. He would yell and insult us for every little thing. This went on for months. One night I had had enough. When he attacked I said "Well if your wife is getting such horrible care here why keep her here? Why don't you take her home and you take care of her yourself? He didn't say a word and he never yelled at me again.
I will try my best to explain to them what is going on, and if they are not happy with the answer than I get the doctor to talk to them. If they are just being outright rude and nasty, I get security to escort them out! I am not going to tolerate abuse from them. My concern is for the patient first, and then the family.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
Over the past 20+ years, I've seen my share of rude family members, and I swear it's getting worse. People are just ruder in general. In the past two years, I've seen a family member bring a German Shepherd (not a service dog, just a "guard dog") into the ICU "to protect Dad". The same family member didn't want "no godd***ed fag" taking care of his father, so he punched out the male nurse and dragged the unconscious nurse out of the room. In the hall, he grabbed the first female staff member he could find (happened to be an RN) into his Dad's room and then barricaded the door shut so she couldn't leave. Security was called, he was arrested. But was back visiting before the end of the shift.
Then there was the husband of a patient who walked around with his insulated coffee mug full of Jack Daniels all day, becoming increasingly drunk and disorderly. He'd hang out at the nurse's station and listen to conversations about other patients, then share the info in the waiting room. When asked to leave the nurse's station, he'd throw a fit so most people wouldn't even bother to ask him to leave. One day another nurse and I told him he could either be in his wife's room or the waiting room. So he went out to the car and came back with a hand gun. He was arrested at midnight and back in to visit at 7 AM.
Years ago, I was caring for a very nice lady who, unfortunately, was dying a miserable death due to metastatic ca. Her brother, who was an arrogant S.O.B. was visiting her one day, and from the moment I walked into her room, he decided it was open season on me. He sat in a chair in a corner and watched me through narrowed eyes as I did her care, which included a C-line dressing and refilling and programming of her PCA pump, asking a hundred questions in a very sarcastic tone. Finally, when he asked me a question that I couldn't answer, he growled: "WHY don't you know?", to which I replied very coldly: "Because I am NOT a doctor". He shut up after that, and by the pained look on my patient's face, I could tell that she was displeased with his behavior. She apologized for him after he had left.
Over the past 20+ years, I've seen my share of rude family members, and I swear it's getting worse. People are just ruder in general. In the past two years, I've seen a family member bring a German Shepherd (not a service dog, just a "guard dog") into the ICU "to protect Dad". The same family member didn't want "no godd***ed fag" taking care of his father, so he punched out the male nurse and dragged the unconscious nurse out of the room. In the hall, he grabbed the first female staff member he could find (happened to be an RN) into his Dad's room and then barricaded the door shut so she couldn't leave. Security was called, he was arrested. But was back visiting before the end of the shift.
Then there was the husband of a patient who walked around with his insulated coffee mug full of Jack Daniels all day, becoming increasingly drunk and disorderly. He'd hang out at the nurse's station and listen to conversations about other patients, then share the info in the waiting room. When asked to leave the nurse's station, he'd throw a fit so most people wouldn't even bother to ask him to leave. One day another nurse and I told him he could either be in his wife's room or the waiting room. So he went out to the car and came back with a hand gun. He was arrested at midnight and back in to visit at 7 AM.
I'm getting too old for this nonsense!
7 years of nursing has given me many similar stories to this one.
I now will only work in a locked ICU with tight security and very strict visiting hours.
I do, however, believe that certain areas of nursing are more prone to this type of family behavior than others and this is why some in the nursing community do not understand why I get sickened when I hear about trends toward making unlimited visiting hours or the many times I've heard the old "You need to put yourself in the family members shoes, they are going through a hard time." Aren't we all?
Long before I even applied to nursing school I watched my Dad cry for the first time ever when he saw my grandfather restrained in ICU after a stroke because he kept pulling out all of his tubes. He had tubes from every orifice and my Dad just broke down and cried.
But you can be sure that my family respected and listened to the nurses and honored visiting hours and tried to never be in their way. My mother scolded me for not moving fast enough when the nurses needed to get at his IV where I was standing. I've been in their shoes and my family did not act crazy during our own personal tragedy.
A couple of years later I graduated from nursing school to be met with family members sitting in chairs parked in front of the ventilator and got upset when I told them that it was a safety issue in case I needed to get to the vent quickly. Then they would throw tantrums because I could not find enough chairs to put in the room for the other 4 visitors who came and each needed to sit in their own chair.
I've seen violence and threats of violence while administration asks the staff "What did you do to make them so angry?"
Had I not found the job that I have now with tight security and visiting hours I would have left patient care altogether, even if it meant a big pay cut.
I get offended when I hear about these incidents being referred to as "having a bad day" or "all in a days work for nurses" because they could be avoided and not necessary.
Family members today are very aware of what they can get away with and manipulate and they are aware that they can scare even the most prudent nurse if they even mention the word lawsuit.
None of us deserve to be treated that way and having a loved one in the hospital is not a license to abuse the staff.
I've tried it many times and "Kill them with kindness" and "look beyond the anger and understand their fear" does not work in these situations. They know exactly what they are doing.
Family members today are very aware of what they can get away with and manipulate and they are aware that they can scare even the most prudent nurse if they even mention the word lawsuit.
None of us deserve to be treated that way and having a loved one in the hospital is not a license to abuse the staff.
I've tried it many times and "Kill them with kindness" and "look beyond the anger and understand their fear" does not work in these situations. They know exactly what they are doing.
Yes, we are UNDER siege...and it's crap like this that makes me even more determined than ever, to get out of this profession. :angryfire
I am not going to tolerate abuse from them. My concern is for the patient first, and then the family.
laurakoko
184 Posts
In my years of nursing, (10+) I have only come across one patient and family that I trully could not deal with. I am NOT super-nurse either. I agree with the above posts that if you share in understanding what the patients and families are going through when someone is sick and hospitalized, and give good care, it can be resolved. HOWEVER, there is always the exception.
I took care of a patient a while back who was trully verbally ABUSIVE to me. She and her sister kept re-emphasizing how inadequate the care was. She was making unreasonable requests, and when nor granted, got very mean. I continued to take care of her for the next few hours, (as I was assigned to the patient as a 1:1, and charge nurse..) until I could not take the abuse anymore. In the past she had repeatedly called administration, and this time I called them. I reported her as being verbally and mentally abusive. I had NEVER been treated like this, in my life by ANYONE. And trully, I was going out of my way to please, and it was the first time she had laid eyes on me. Administration then came to stand outside of the door, as I walked into her room, to routinley administer meds, and they heard as she harrased and demeaned me as a human being. Managment WITNESSED what I was saying, and agreed with me. I then gave up the patient to another soul, and eventually, she was discharged the same day.
There are some people in this world, no matter how hard you try, that you will not please. Please do not let any comment reflect on how you nurse, or your emotional well-being as a person. You and your family know who you are, and that is all that matters. Self-respect and self-esteem, NO ONE can take that from you.
Oh, did I mention that I again bumped into that mean patient in Wal-Mart? And THAT is another story!!!!!!!!!!:)