Relationships between residents

[Altra, BSN, RN]

This story really touched my heart. I'm still sorting through my own thoughts about this couple's situation and its implications for all of us as we age. I readily admit I'm not clear on all the potential legal aspects. I'd love to get input from those of you who work in ALF & LTC.

An Affair To Remember: She was 82. He was 95. They had dementia. They fell in love. And then they started having sex.

"Bob's family was horrified at the idea that his relationship with Dorothy might have become sexual. At his age, they wouldn't have thought it possible. But when Bob's son walked in and saw his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend last December, incredulity turned into full-blown panic. "I didn't know where this was going to end," said the manager of the assisted-living facility where Bob and Dorothy lived. "It was pretty volatile." "

http://www.slate.com/id/2192178

[nightmare, RN]

That story is so sad! If two people can give each other comfort at the end of their lives and there are no spouses etc why not? But it is always the relatives that intervene and split them up.We had a similar scenario upshort was the man was moved and died two weeks later in a strange Home away from the people who knew him and the woman he adored.

[bobbiegirl]

What a story! Just goes to show how most children are pretty up tight about their parent's sexuality. How do these kids think they got here? We all need love. It's a shame they had to separate these two. Wonder how the kids will feel if they reach the age of their parents and find love again?

[SharonH, RN]

Well that just makes me sick. I am especially disgusted by that nurses' behavior. Had only one of them had dementia it would have been pretty clear that a sexual relationship was wrong but since they both had it, they both consented to it within their abilities and they were both enjoying it then there is no reason that they should have not been respected and allowed to continue the relationship. What a shame that other people's sexual hang-ups got in the way of the last remaining pleasures these two people could have had in their remaining years.

[Turtle in scrubs]

What a paternalistic society we live in! Every nation should be democratic like we are – What a crazy idea that someone would be granted the right to die – and… Heaven forbid we let older folks have pleasure in their life. Don’t we know the elderly in this country are to be disrespected and lonely?

This story makes me very sad. I’m sure from a facility administrators perspective this would be a difficult situation. However if this were my parent it would be a no brainer – as long as they were healthy, happy and it was consensual then Amen!

Having previously worked in a LTC I never saw anything quite like this. There were friendly couples who had intimate connections (hand holding, kissing, sitting together), without the full sexual element. This was accepted as ok. On the other hand we had a few gentlemen who periodically would try and crawl in bed with unsuspecting women and this was understandably not tolerated.

[crissrn27, RN]

Don't think I can say it any better than SharonH did.

BTW, this is so sad. I was in tears reading about the woman losing 21lbs, and almost dying.

[Katnip, RN]

What are people so afraid of when elderly people fall in love and have sex? It surely can't be an unwanted pregnancy. I know it's possible even at that age to have STDs, but I'd think at 95 it would be rather rare. And their lives won't be going on that long.

It's a shame, the way we treat our elderly here.

[rph3664]

And it wasn't like she was at risk of getting pregnant, either which is not uncommon in the MR/DD or TBI population.

[husker_rn, RN]

Took care of a woman in LTC once who had a bad marriage. Said it was sad that she had to age and live in a nursing home to " find true love ". Thankfully that faclity's nursing turned a blind eye. He had already passed away by the time I started there or I would have been blind too. Agism is alive and well...just ask the geriatics we care for.

[CapeCodMermaid, RN]

Well that just makes me sick. I am especially disgusted by that nurses' behavior. Had only one of them had dementia it would have been pretty clear that a sexual relationship was wrong but since they both had it, they both consented to it within their abilities and they were both enjoying it then there is no reason that they should have not been respected and allowed to continue the relationship. What a shame that other people's sexual hang-ups got in the way of the last remaining pleasures these two people could have had in their remaining years.

Demented people cannot consent to anything. When we admit a significantly demented person we make sure the health care proxy has been invoked. Personally I don't see anything wrong with what these 2 did,but legally they couldn't consent.

I've had many patients want to have sex while in the facility. One was married and went home for a few hours a week to be with her husband..and yes, she was demented. But the line gets blurred when both of them are demented.

We had one resident found giving oral sex to another....we called the families....the woman's family said "Oh, my mother always liked doing that".

I hope my children never tell someone about what I liked...I hope they never know but I also hope they leave me alone when I'm old if I'm lucky enough to find someone to love in my last years.

[aloha551]

I was trained by a very wise Nursing Professor. She was asked the same question by a student in my class. She said,"If you come across a situation like this, walk quietly and close the door behind you, providing they are consenting." I have come across this more than I ever imagined. In one instance a couple decided to marry after several months of clandestine meetings. I attended the wedding and she was the most beautiful Bride I ever saw. She was 90 and he was 82. The Kids had a fit but a happier couple I've never seen.