I've been struggling a lot recently and would appreciate any support, advice, analysis, or comments you all have. So I started working as a nurse 6 months ago, went thru a great orientation, had awesome preceptors, and have been on my own for about 3 months. I've been miserable for about 5 months. In nursing school, I wanted to be an ICU nurse, then a nursing educator, CRNA, and then NP. I currently work on a cardiac step-down unit, 12hr day shift, usually have 5-6 patients with lots of discharges, procedures, admissions throughout the day. I work with a great team, great managers, feel supported, I'm doing well with time management/critical thinking, but I hate, hate, hate being a nurse. I worked as a CNA for 2 years all throughout nursing school, and I saw and experienced a lot, but did not actually realize how difficult nursing is....not until I actually became a nurse. I think it's a common consensus that nursing school does not prepare nursing students for the realities of modern day healthcare, but I did work as a CNA and shadowed many nurses throughout nursing school but the horrific reality was never real to me until now.
But why do I hate nursing so much? Honestly, my heart is just not in it. Externally I act like I care, while internally feel nothing for (most of) my patients, I just feel like a robot just clicking boxes and checking things off my list. My patients reportedly love me, but I honestly can't see why. I want to do a good job of course, I advocate for my patients, educate them, clean them up, toilet them, get them what they need....but I dread every shift. I hate small talk, dealing with angry families, waiting on entitled drug addicts who abuse the system over and over again, I HATE the crazy selfish families who insist on keeping the 87 year old CHF, COPD, stage IV renal failure, stage 3 pressure sores, trached, PEG tubed, nursing home patient FULL CODE. I hate the liability, the possibility and uncertainty of anything happening. I hate being the one responsible for everything! When trays are late, food is cold or patients dislike their meal, meds haven't been sent from pharmacy, dietary wants the patient on a diet but needs me to contact the doctor for the order, rehab works the patient too hard and the patient complains, the doctor didn't explain something to the patient well enough, endo canceled the procedure, cardiology didn't look at the patient's EKG and the hospitalist wants to know why, the TV stopped working, the RT took the patient's CPAP machine for some reason - and guess who gets blamed??
Anytime something goes wrong, guess whose fault it is? Yep, that's me, the RN
I didn't go through school and graduate with a 4.0 for this. I have my own mountain of nursing stuff to do, which I also hate doing, without constantly being interrupted to deal with constant issues. I really hate being a nurse, with the exception of my elderly 90 year old confused dementia patients, who I love. I wish I could sit with them my whole shift and just chat, but I could do that as a volunteer. I honestly just hate my role as a nurse, I hate my role in healthcare. I'm everyone's punching bag. I dislike the acuity on my floor, so I know I won't like ICU. I also feel that nursing does not have the hard science aspect I wished it had, it's more social science which I do not like as much.
So whether or not you read that rant, I just wanted to say that I'm planning to leave the nursing profession. After looking through job postings for nurses, I found one or two positions I would be interested in, and I would need 3-5 years of experience doing what I hate to get there. So it's back to school I go....something science/laboratory related, without patient contact. I would like to volunteer at a nursing home with dementia patients doing crafts or something. I no longer want to be a NP or CRNA, if I can't even handle the acuity and responsibility of being an RN. And while I love teaching, I don't want to spread my negative attitude toward nursing to the students if I became a nurse educator. Anyway, I don't have the experience for either of those advanced roles. I can't see myself continuing in nursing and being miserable for years and years. But please, don't think this is me bashing the nursing profession, I just don't think I can do this anymore personally. Nurses, thank you all for everything you do!!!!
