Recovering opiate addict: In need of advice

GA_RN2006 · Dec 7, 2012

Your so sweet Boston. I appreciate everything you do. You are an inspiration. And I feel blessed to call you my friend :)

BostonTerrierLover, BSN, RN · Dec 8, 2012

I nodded off at my meeting tonight because the guy talking talked like 39 minutes in this monotone voice, and I haven't slept right in days! I know half of them thought- Bos is back on the crap:( I think my McCafe was decaf- that was a first, I dropped my "Big Book" on my toe, almost spilled my coffee, and I kept checking to see if W_M_L had come on the BB anywhere, and the sour puss of the group asked me "do you have somewhere you need to be?"

Most of them are twice my age, and I've always been afraid to really speak too much in front of then because their soooo critical of me for some reason- "Sprout" they call me.

The sour puss never let's me forget he spilled more drugs than I've did- I didn't get the memo that we were competing! Lol! I just never got these meetings, everyone is sooooo depressed- and I'm like a Hoe in a Penticost Church watching the time:)

I go though, but I wish we had the meetings y'all had, I think they think I am an undercover cop!!! I really heard whispering, Lol!!! I'm lost. But, one foot in front of the other.

GA_RN2006 · Dec 8, 2012

Boston..Your soo funny..I had to read your post twice bc I was laughing..All jokes aside I'm sorry for your bad meeting. I'm starting next week & I'm soooo nervous.

BostonTerrierLover, BSN, RN · Dec 9, 2012

You'll like the all healthcare provider meetings, I just have to drive way to far to reach one. In the beginning, I tried to make one a week, but now I just go to the AA here in town to be brow beaten, scape-goated, and given the seniority treatment:)

The Nurses for Nurses meetings were critical for navigating the BON, understanding the program, and truly beginning to plan a life of recovery. I don't have to tell anyone who's been on Opiates or Opioids how gripping and Brain-Chemistry-Changing they are! When I came out of my 90 day rehab, if I had a machine on that shocked me when I thought about pain meds- I would have looked like a Tourette's Sufferer for about 1 solid year! Buzz-buzz-buzz,.....buzz, buzz!

Real recovery came from being honest with my colleagues facing the same issues.

I go to AA to remember I'm just one choice away from being at square one, because they never let me forget- I'm a "sprout," to be seen- not heard." I just take it in stride- you can't fill a full cup:). I got a verbal "whooping" last time because I told them I didn't believe you had to be cranky, depressed, and hopelessly miserable to have a successful recovery.

I actually witnessed this, we'll call him Joe: (As told by Joe) I will spare you guys the profanity:)

"I got out of xxxxxx County Jail this morning because my [live in girlfriend] wouldn't bail me out. She was angry because I didn't feel like going to her [Mother]'s house for Thanksgiving. I ended up punching a hole through her mom's picture, and I pushed her down, I would never hit a women(whole room of men nodding)," (except me) "..that scared her though, and her (mother) had me locked up. When I got out, they had pawned my guitar- 'cause I didn't get any work this week(new job x 1 week/fired for stealing), I wanted a drink soooooo bad, but I didn't, I think it was test!"

I was speechless, the meetings leader: "Well Joe, the important thing is you stayed sober! You can't let HER actions lead you to a relapse."

What the....?!!!

I couldn't bite my tongue! I said, "I can't sit here and act like what you just said, in ANY way, is O-K!" That was like poking a stick at a grizzly bear- or a pack. I was asked if I was there to be a better person, or be sober? I was obviously wrong that one can have a lot to do with the other:) I was basically told I was too young to understand (married 10 years) and too early in recovery (5 years). So, according to their logic, I'm not recovered:) This is what it's always like, wild logic that being clean is the ONLY thing important to the rest of their life; I can't accept that and remain in recovery. Healing should make us better as a whole. Just Wow! I can't wait, 2 more months of meeting requirements and I'm done with the last phase:)

wish_me_luck, BSN, RN · Dec 10, 2012

That story was from AA? I hate to say this, but I am going to be honest. I don't think AA works as well as people say it does. I don't sit there every day and work the steps in a notebook like some do nor do I read through the Big Book several times. I work the steps through my actions. I admitted that I was powerless and that I had a problem. I can honestly say that I have not gotten to that point where I had atheistic beliefs. I have always felt God's presence, even in the toughest of times, so turning my will and life over to God was done. I took inventory and continue to do so and admitted my wrongs. I have not made a physical list, but rest assure that I have made amends with those I have hurt. I pray. I keep the anonymity of others in the meetings, but I am open and admit my alcohol abuse. I have moved on from the steps alone and gratitude for my sobriety (which, I thank God for, but I do believe I had a hand in my own sobriety) to wanting to serve others and my community in a capacity that my experience could benefit others.

I actually went to a meeting a month or two ago (Co-Ed AA) and a guy told me that I wasn't working the steps. I was floored. I am not one that talks--I want my actions to speak louder than my words. I have been sober 8 months thus far.

I think it goes beyond the steps. Yes, the steps can help, but you truly have to have that desire to stop drinking/using. I am the type that is quite "extreme" in what I do. When I drank, I drank. But, that option is off the table. So, I have begun trying to get my life back in order and to be successful and I am trying to do all that I can--so, now that "extreme" behavior is used for good. I have seen people who have been in AA for years and they relapse and then they go back. Sometimes they relapse again. Therefore, I think it goes beyond the steps and AA. If you have the true desire to be sober, then it can and will happen. But, that desire has to be there and you have to take accountability for your actions. You can't change unless you take accountability and admit you are at fault (this is in reply to Boston's story about the woman getting blamed for what the man did. That man won't change if he always blames others.)

Definitely hate the "age" thing in everything. I have seen young people "get life" at a young age and I have seen older people who just never got it. I don't believe age in itself gives a person wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Some people were dealt a rough hand at a young age and others didn't experience anything rough until they were older.

I am lucky that I am fairly young and so the it's easier to break the habit. The older you are/longer you drank, the rougher it is.

I get something out of the Womens AA meetings. I think there's a difference in men and women when it comes to substance abuse/addiction. I also like the Caduceus meetings. No Nurses Groups here. But, GA, you'll like Caduceus, I think. I like the fact I am around other health care people who realize screwing up once could cost us big time.

BostonTerrierLover, BSN, RN · Dec 10, 2012

While a fully support the twelve steps and AA/NA, it didn't work for me either- I think it has to do with a HCP mental block. It seems to be shared by many. The programs are free, and they've saved many lives. Dr. Bill has my full respect, but,...

As hard as I tried, I couldn't recieve help and healing from the steps, or that program. I was desperate in my intent to stay clean- but nothing changed inside me. I have theological training, and I am a Doctor of Missionology. I could not do it.

The help I recieved was from another's advice. It WAS in a book, so I was skeptical! But the transformation was from a sick boy who didn't want to go on- to the man in love with life now. I go into detail in the "Alternatives to 12 Step Programs" thread, just don't feel it's appropriate here for me to downplay how the 12 step program DOES help thousands, and who am I to criticize who haven't,...but know there are other ways if you can't identify with those teachings, and boy do they work...coming from someone who works for a higher power:)

JerseyBSN · Dec 13, 2012

I have worked in drug addiction in the past and I can tell you for certain that it is a rare, strong, and courageous person who can overcome their addiction. I don't think most people realize how strong an addiction to drugs are. I've seen people swear they're going to get clean every time they came in for detox yet they returned several times a year plus several times a year to other facilities as well. They checked in when they ran out of money or needed a reason to stay out of jail. Sad but true.

Anyone who can overcome their addiction and stay in recovery deserves a lot of respect from all.

I went to Al-Anon for a while due to a family member who was abusing alcohol. I found it to be of no use. As far as AA and NA, I never heard any success stories from the patients that we had. I think clearing all the contacts on the cell phone, picking up and moving away from everyone who could cause you to relapse, getting a job and starting a new life with new people and friends is a far better alternative to meetings.

Vishwamitr · Jan 3, 2013

Ty u all for your replies. I've been clean for 2yrs now. I was fired & reported to the board. My recovery has been #1 in my life. I contact the BON last Oct for reinstatement. I could of ask for reinstatement after 6 months of me surrendering my license but I didn't feel I was ready. Again I appreciate all your comments it makes it easier to know I'm not alone.

Dear GA_RN,

It is not my place to judge you (or judge anyone else for that matter) but personally I feel that 2 years is a very short period of time to be declared "recovered". I also believe that one is still vulnerable with elapse of such a short period.

I feel for you but give yourself some more time when you feel even stronger, much more enlightened, and have a better insight because it is not just your life that is at stake but others' too whose lives are entrusted in your shaky hands. Please understand that I am not being condescending or judgmental but some one who calls spade a spade.

allnurses Guide · Jan 3, 2013

GA_RN never used the word "recovered". If you are familiar with them, you would know that people in treatment almost never use the word "recovered".

The state boards of nursing exist to protect the public, not the nurse. I feel confident they are in a better position to evaluate and monitor each person's situation with a lot more accurate information than a complete stranger on an internet message board who says it isn't their place to judge, but does it anyway.

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jan 3, 2013

I've been sober for 21 years now and STILL don't consider myself "recovered". Started out in AA, but have accomplished the rest of it with help from family and friends because I felt I needed better role models for a successful life after ETOH than I'd found in the group. But you know, this thing never, ever goes away---not the sudden cravings, not the urge to drink when you're stressed out or depressed, not even the taste of alcohol. Over two decades after my last drink, if I think about Jack Daniels whiskey my tongue immediately senses the smooth but fiery bite of the amber fluid; see a beer ad on TV and in my mind I'm sitting on my porch on a hot day chugging down an ice-cold Hamm's.

Of course, as soon as those thoughts start creeping in, I banish them fast and move on to some other topic. But I find it amazing, and yet disappointing, that I still have them even after all these years. Which is why I will never claim to be "recovered" until I've gone at least ten years without a single thought or craving for booze, especially during a mood episode or period of high stress. And probably not even then. :whistling:

GA_RN2006 · Jan 3, 2013

Thanks guys for your input. I misspoke when I used the word "recovered". I'll be the first to admit that once one has struggled with any type of addiction they are never fully recovered or cured for that matter. As far as me only being clean for 2 yrs, it's a start everyone starts somewhere. With that being said just bc I'm not 5-10 yrs clean & sober doesn't mean I shouldn't be given the chance to prove to the BON that I'm now at a better place to care for pts. I was a critical care nurse & a good one at that but I now feel God has other plans. I appreciate all the comments that have been said on this post good & bad. I know I have a lot to prove and honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm currently getting ready to enroll in classes to get certified in Substance Abuse Counseling. I feel blessed to have found this site, it has really helped me a lot. Thanks again to everyone :)

Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Jan 3, 2013

You know, when I started exploring nursing as a career early in my college career, I'd been sober for about 2 years. I remember asking the faculty member who addressed our group if the BON would have a problem with me becoming a nurse because of my history, and what she said was "If it's not a problem for you anymore, it won't be a problem for them."

I never forgot that. And alcohol has never been an issue in all this time. So yes, I think two years of being clean and sober is long enough to prove that you've got what it takes to return to nursing. :up: