Real or Fake friendly smile.

mimivn2009 · Jan 13, 2012

yesterday i was terminated from a large hospital. I’m a new nurse was my first job. I feel devastated, depressed cannot believe this happen to me, i’m never been fired before. I was told…..”the nurses in your floor believe you are not a good match, they perceived you are “self-defensive”. She said..”you probably going to be fantastic rn in other area but not in a hospital, maybe in clinics or places where you can use your bilingual skills” i don’t understand why nobody talks to me, if i did or said something what they don’t like. I’m really appreciated if my coworkers talk to me directly so i can learn and correct my mistakes. I’m so sad to discover the reality not all the nurses are nurturing and caring for other humans. Why when i work in the floor they show me fake friendly smiles, why they give positive feedback, why they said you are doing good…thanks god i’m honest transparent always the same person and the few days i worked my patients only have a good complements for me. I have to admit i never involve myself in conversation without invitation, so may be that is perceived as " self-defensive".

omg i know how you feel i was fired from kaiser my dream job this past monday for the same reason "im not a gd match " i was marked rehire though i'm sooooo depressed and shocked so much work to get in ther i was told i was doing great also which is so not fair to tell a person they are doing gd when they aren't i was told my smile was fake also it was clinic i was working, i feel like you and i were at the same place how weird same exact story i feel your pain ...i havent told a soul i've been fired and to put icing on the cake i told my friends mom how to get in and i think she got my job im happy for her just not in those circumstances

mimivn2009 · Jan 13, 2012

i too dont have the best social skills omg i feel like you are me im not mean at all i just always seem to precieved as agressive so i rather not talk in all my 26yrs on earth its been this way its like damned if i do damned if i dont because i noticed when i dont talk i then come off as anti-social and rude i dont know what to do with myself im sooooo sad

Llakisqa · Jan 13, 2012

Thanks for your empathy, hope some senior nurses can give us some advises. after 10 years in USA just now I'm confronted cultural shock.

classicdame, MSN, EdD · Jan 13, 2012

This could happen anywhere, I suppose. I do not understand why you were not offered the chance to move to another department. I am American, but have worked in plces where I did not fit either. Makes it hard for everyone to work if they do not get along. You really need to understand EXACTLY what are the perceived negatives or you will repeat them elsewhere. I have a feeling one day you will be glad you did not get stuck with those people.

netglow, ASN, RN · Jan 13, 2012

...i havent told a soul i've been fired and to put icing on the cake i told my friends mom how to get in and i think she got my job im happy for her just not in those circumstances

OMG. Added yuckiness if this is what really happened. So sorry.

Been there,done that, ASN, RN · Jan 13, 2012

I have been a nurse for 30 years. I have excellent communication and people skills.

The only time I was ever fired (during an orientation) was during a time when I was going through a mourning period. Manager said I "was not smiling enough".

Nursing is now a corporate position. You need to smile, and nod..and give the "have a nice day" response at all times.

Learn this, and move forward.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Jan 13, 2012

yesterday i was terminated from a large hospital. i’m a new nurse was my first job. i feel devastated, depressed cannot believe this happen to me, i’m never been fired before. i was told…..”the nurses in your floor believe you are not a good match, they perceived you are “self-defensive”. she said..”you probably going to be fantastic rn in other area but not in a hospital, maybe in clinics or places where you can use your bilingual skills” i don’t understand why nobody talks to me, if i did or said something what they don’t like. i’m really appreciated if my coworkers talk to me directly so i can learn and correct my mistakes. i’m so sad to discover the reality not all the nurses are nurturing and caring for other humans. why when i work in the floor they show me fake friendly smiles, why they give positive feedback, why they said you are doing good…thanks god i’m honest transparent always the same person and the few days i worked my patients only have a good complements for me. i have to admit i never involve myself in conversation without invitation, so may be that is perceived as " self-defensive".

i'm sorry you lost your job. with no more information than you've posted here, i can't offer much in the way of advice. what i can do is speculate. "the nurses in your floor believe you are not a good match. they perceived you are self defensive" means to me that when the nurses tried to correct your mistakes, you were "defensive." instead of accepting the criticism in the spirit in which it was offered (and usually it's offered in the spirit of helping you to correct your practice) you defended whatever it was that you did that prompted the criticism in the first place. that probably made the nurses believe that you weren't interested in correcting your practice; that you were more interested in defending your mistakes than correcting them. once you get that sort of reputation, experienced nurses hesitate to take the time to seek you out and give you feedback.

if an experienced nurse (your preceptor maybe?) tried several times to call your attention to mistakes and you weren't accepting the criticism, it gets harder and harder to notice your mistakes, figure out what you're doing wrong and how to correct it, and then figure out the best way to approach you with it. that's when you get the fake smiles and the positive feedback about things you did well, but they stop telling you about things you didn't do so well . . . unless there is no way to avoid it.

when you start out in a new job -- a new career -- you make mistakes. it's your preceptor's responsibility to point them out to you and help you to figure out how to improve. if you weren't receptive to that, that's "defensive." that's a common mistake that new grads make today, and if you don't overcome it -- fast -- you're on the fast track to unemployment.

the part about being a fantastic nurse in a clinic or somewhere other than a hospital makes me think one of two things: either you were too slow for the fast-paced hospital environment, and they didn't see that changing. or you were ungracious about working nights, weekends and holidays.

now before you start bashing me for "eating my young", let me point out that i've taken several minutes to think about your situation and try to help you to understand what may have gone wrong. if i'm wrong, i'm sorry. but if you are, please learn to accept criticism, even if it isn't phrased in the way you believe most nurturing or correct. it's the only way you're going to learn.

healthstar, BSN, RN · Jan 13, 2012

I learned that in this cruel world: the ones who are the loudest, and the one who BS's the most will always be appreciated the most. Sad but true, no one seems to like honesty anymore. Society loves creative liars. You call off bc you are really sick and they still make you go to work; on the other side you have people who call of bc they had 10 car accidents, flat tires within a month and everyone believes them lol. Lesson learned ( very sad) want to move on in life?! More lies, less honesty.

mimivn2009 · Jan 13, 2012

RUBYVEE I believe u are right on with ur words...at least in my case, even if I don't think I'm being condescending I am and if everyone says it,it just be true I don't like to be made a fool of but then again who dose ,but in the end I always make a fool of myself on my own by disregarding. I'm for sure going to take heed of ur words and humble myself

Llakisqa · Jan 14, 2012

Thank you, I made the same question what it is exactly the negativism in my personality? but I did not get a explanatory answer. thanks for your word I'm really appreciated.

nurseprnRN, BSN, RN · Jan 14, 2012

because this is all so vague i'm thinking this is a cultural thing. :twocents: for example, in some cultures it's considered very disrespectful to look someone in the eye, especially a superior. in this one, however, not meeting a look face to face is considered a sign of shiftiness, guilt, or untrustworthiness.

i had asian students who would not ask me questions because in their culture, teachers taught and students learned; asking a question implied that the teacher wasn't doing it right and so caused the teacher to lose face, a verrrry bad thing for a student to do. it took me awhile to figure that out, with the help of the esl department. i told them that in this culture i lost face if they did not learn and it was my job to figure out other ways to explain things if they did not learn, as many as necessary. to have me save face they had to ask me questions prn. they did suck it up and try, to their credit, and it worked fine. it was a learning experience for all of us.

in some cultures, giggling is a sign of nervousness and fear, not mirth; someone who is fearful may be thought insincere or inappropriate for laughing, or their laughter may completely confuse the people who would help them if they knew there was fear involved. laughter can provoke violence; in the vietnam war, women were sometimes attacked or killed for laughing at us soldiers because the soldiers thought they were being mocked, and nothing was farther from the truth.

touching the head of a tibetan is surpassingly rude, because that's where the person's spirit lives-- comfort someone not by wiping his brow or stroking her hair, but by touching an upper arm. complimenting a hmong mother on her beautiful baby (and my god, they are beautiful) is very bad because the spirits can be jealous and hurt it. "high blood" in some parts of the us black community has nothing at all to do with hypertension.

the complications and bad feelings which can ensue on nonverbal miscues can be baffling for both parties. so many nonverbal communications are completely unconscious, both on the sending and receiving end. the people who think you are negative may not be able to really say why they think so, because it's not something they can consciously identify-- they just feel it. they're wrong, perhaps, but they are genuinely unable to know that.

this takes a pro to figure out, and to deal with. a bilingual setting may very well be easier for you; even then, your understanding of the nonverbal communication of both cultures will benefit your practice. in the meantime, though, getting some help in figuring out these subtleties might help you in lots of ways. the local anthropology department at a university will know who to ask; also, big university nursing schools may have someone who specialises in cultural nursing, and someone there can help you. at very least, you will learn to be able to say something like, "in my culture it's considered very rude to look someone in the face; please help me get over that, or at least understand it and ask me." or whatever it is.