Raw: Two Months After Graduation. One Month After Employment.

[ixchel]

I watched that video in orientation thinking, "these people are crazy. I'm a ray of sunshine and hope! I am a positive person! I believe in myself and I am ready to learn and BE AWESOME!!!! I LOVE THIS PLACE!!!!!!"

But here I am. Three days shy of a month in on my first job. And there is a bit of dread in my heart. I'm not sure how it got there. It snuck up on me rather insidiously. A couple of weeks ago, I was walking toward my car and I passed some respiratory students. I beamed at them happily and said, "Hello!" As I walked away, I heard one of them say, "Wow that was a happy person!" She was right. There was joy in knowing I could wake up to the hospital, my new home.

What happened? Is it that the high of graduation has settled, and the reality of going back to grown-up world has come back? Is it that I feel so completely incompetent?

I know what you students are thinking while you read this. "I'm going to be on top of the world! I'll never feel that way!" But mark my words - there is this strange feeling that sinks in where you realize that school didn't prepare you for this, and that you really aren't good at it no matter how hard you tried to be, and you have so, so much to learn.

I read that so many times here, and I believed it. I think I held that giant beaming smile on my face because honest to god, I went in prepared for how hard it was supposed to be. Even then, it overwhelms me knowing how much I need to know, but just don't yet. I wish I could take home the charting system to practice. I wish I could take home the omnicell to practice. I wish I could take home the policies and procedures link on the intranet to memorize. But then again..... surrounding myself by the ongoings of my children on days off has kept me sane.

Four days off.

Four.

Why do I feel like I'm always at the hospital? I'm home more days than I am there.

You know what is a little bit more frustrating? I'm a bit of a junkie for the critical care unit I am on. I absolutely love it. And yet.... I have buyer's remorse. I think to myself, "there is no way I'll get good enough for this... Maybe if I chose (med/surg/OB/peds/ortho) instead it would be easier......" Realistically, I know that's not true. I mean, probably not true. I usually STRIVE for a challenge and feel let down when I miss opportunities. I know I'd be frustrated if I were anywhere but where I am. But I'm frustrated, too, because I am where I am.

Being on orientation, I am frequently pulled for other experiences. In 4 weeks, I've had two days with my own patients. I've loved my experiences, of course, but I'm feeling the weight of, "I should be making progress by now, but I'm not getting the opportunities to." I'm not meeting goals. I've gained a lot of experiences, but I haven't met goals. Is trading one for the other good? How does that work exactly?

I have the blues. I'm very much a fighter. I'll keep moving and striving to be awesome. I know it's a long haul before I will feel like I'm awesome. I've waited through nursing school, I can wait longer.

But.... man.

You graduate nursing school, and you think to yourself, "I reached the goal! I'm there!!!!"

And then you pass the NCLEX, and you think, "No more studying these giant ugly books!!!"

And after that, at work you get your first name badge with the words "registered nurse" on it.

And you think, "I made it. I am here. I have arrived."

You save your energy up for that finish line. And then you reach it. And you feel you're on top of the world. No one thinks about what happens next, emotionally speaking. You walk into your first job, and find out that because you were so high on that mountain on top of the world that it is that much further to fall down when you have really hard days.

And you look up to where you were, up there on that mountain, and you remember...

"I wasn't supposed to fall."

[ixchel]

Thank you so much for your support and kind words, everyone. I went in with a lighter heart today, after getting this off my chest. Got to find a whole new level of appreciation for the cardiovascular system, and get shocked once again by the nervous system. Felt a little more confident than last shift. I am a work in progress and I'm okay with that.

[AmyRN303, BSN, RN]

Thank you so much for your support and kind words, everyone. I went in with a lighter heart today, after getting this off my chest. Got to find a whole new level of appreciation for the cardiovascular system, and get shocked once again by the nervous system. Felt a little more confident than last shift. I am a work in progress and I'm okay with that.

Ixchel, I start in a week, and I'm so glad you posted this. Keep on keepin on. :)

[Surprised1, MSN, RN]

Ixchel,

Do not even remotely feel like you're a failure! You've accomplished so much already, with children no less. It feels daunting right now but I promise you everything will become old hat before you know it. Think about how overwhelming it is to become a parent for the first time. Did you feel nervous to bring the baby home? I did! But you mastered the parenthood thing and you'll master this too. Part of what makes it difficult to feel like you're making progress right now is that you haven't spent much time on your unit yet. After you've finished looping to other areas of the hospital, you'll devote all your time to your own nursing practice and your own patients. Don't lose heart!

[auscultate]

Do not be afraid to ask questions if you need help, and take your time dont hurry things. Mistakes happen in a bad way when you get rushed. Ask your hospital to extend your orientation if needed, but its very important to take your time and get used to doing things right. I've seen so many new nurses feel bad because they feel like they cant keep up, then in their hurry mistakes happen. This is also a good time to learn how to delegate to your nursing assistant staff to help free up some time for yourself. Just be aware of their situations also obviously, but most units are very supportive and want to keep people. When a unit has stability in staff it can be an amazing thing.

[Nurse SMS, MSN, RN]

You aren't falling. You are climbing. That is why it feels so hard. You thought the top of the mountain had come and you had reached the vista, but you were simply on a foothill. There is far to go, but you are now equipped for the rest of the climb. There will be more beautiful views ahead and yes, more hard days. You are on your way.

[bringatinyes07]

All of you have been such an inspiration( not near graduation date yet), thank you for your honesty.

[Buggysmom]

I agree with Jan, too! 19 years a nurse and I still remember my firsts...There are so many more victory laps to come--but, they will be yours personally! Hang in there, this is new job learning curve and you will soon find that spring in your step again! I love that you are so conscientious! That is what makes an awesome nurse! You are on your way!!!! :-)

[odesimone94]

I'm so glad you shared this, I am a new nurse as well LPN charge nurse at a long term care facility, i am in charge of 32 patroness & often I fear that I'm not ready if something were to happen! I'm constantly correcting myself and trying so hard, but I seriously didn't realize how hard it would be! I'm glad there is hope from some of these people & they all felt that way at times

[marydpct2013]

Thank you for sharing. So true and honest.

[brianbooth, RN]

I think 35 years in the job give me some little right to comment.

In my experience, the best nurses are always the one who started off, on qualifying, saying 'oooh...I know nothing...' because they knew there was more to learn.

By the way: I still know nothing, I'm still trying to learn

[danceyrun]

You are not alone! It is HARD being a new grad. And the first year is, well, SUPPOSED to suck. Because we don't know much at all. Like a previous poster said, break up your day. A lot of times I will say to myself "ok I can make it past morning meds and rounds," and then "I made it to lunch. Oh 1:00! It's halfway over!" It also is helpful that a new batch of new grads just started on my unit and while I am still wobbly on my training wheels, I can see now far I have come in 6 months. Something that helps me is to write at the end of the day. It's difficult to do because I'm exhausted but I keep a notebook beside my bed and write down a few things I learned that day- they don't even have to be "big" things, but anything you learned or that you did and want to change next time (example: "next time I have an admission, do x before y so that z can flow easier instead of y before x"). The day before I go back to work the next week, I flip through my notebook. It has definitely helped me learn, and thus, boost what little confidence I have. Keep on keepin' on!

[Cardiacguy7]

If I may give you some sound advice as a fellow nurse. Here goes. In three days I will be retiring from nursing after 37 yrs. and I need to tell you that over those years I have felt like you on many many occasions. You are most definetly not alone. Over those years I have mentored, coached, and listened to numerous young people beginning their careers. They all have amazing skills and great personalities, I'm sure just like you have. Their goal is to "Go Big Or Go Home", in other words they all want to start their careers in areas that are HIGH STRESS. Areas that require a great working knowledge of both multi system illness's and being able to combine that with a fast pace, intense environment. For some this leads to "failure". My advice to you as well as other young nurses is this. Learn to walk before you run. I know it may not be cool, but get a job on a busy Medical/Surgical Unit, sometimes it can be just as stressful, but it gives you a chance to slow it down and look at nursing from a different angle. Sometimes we all need to step back and re-look at our current situation. I've had to do that occasionally, although humbling at first, it was probably the best step that I did, and what's kept me in the profession this long. I can tell from your article that you are very passionate about what you do, I get the sense that you are a very amazing nurse. SLOW DOWN AND ENJOY. It's a GREAT Career. All the Best.