Question about inmates

fiestynurse · Aug 19, 2004

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probable cause · Aug 20, 2004

Did you really ask that question?

jaimealmostRN · Aug 20, 2004

Psychopaths come in ALL races, genders, colors. Do not be fooled b/c "everyone is out to get him." This is the biggest line given by criminals. They were standing there minding there own business and "some dude" did something, a police chase ensues,etc,etc. Of course there are people in prison who have made a bad mistake and will be realativly healthy individuals when they are realased, but this is a very very very small population. Drugs and robbery are not silly accidents, normal people do not rob peoples homes. For the most part, they only get worse.....robbery, home invasion, assault, then murder. JMO

jailside · Aug 21, 2004

dear nurse/baybie, also known as nurse baby 22;

sometimes we can't see the forrest for the trees. in your original post, you wanted to know the "rules" when it comes to dating/seeing an inmate/former patient. knowing what "game" you are playing determins the "rules". i repeat a suggestion previously posted and that is read: games criminals play....!!(a link was supplied in the earlier post). the book was required reading in the correctional facility where i work. as well, and you may not be ready to truly hear this because of the youth/nievity that i'm reading into your penname,yet what you feel as "compassion" may, in fact be co-dependence....a feeling of wanting to be 'the one' who will make a difference. i speak from nearly 15 years of state prison and county jail nursing experience.

contrary to what you see, i see drug abuse and theft as socio-pathic (society disease) behavior. i have more than once heard inmates claim with a smug superiority that they have never done "person-to-person" crimes..... only theft/drugs. how many times have you had your home invaded and robbed? came "home" to find the jewelry your mom left to you missing? your car missing when you return to the lot after working to midnight having parked it to take public transportation?

short story: while working in the county jail, the "infirmary" section had been very heavy for a very long time. we were getting worn down. this section included not only the very physically sick, but also the needing-care castaways in mental health as well as "the hole"-housing the meanest/most dangerous of the mean and dangerous in the inmate population. we were exausted! iv's/dressings/attitudes....and along came inmate doe (not his real name). he was patient! said, "thank-you"! he was "kind to us"...and good looking ! each day in report there was an audible sigh of relief when any nurse reported on this patient.he even admitted that what he did to get there was his fault!my god how we longed to hear just one inmate take responsibility!!

well, our supervisor came and sat in on report one morning. she could see the forrest because she was not thick in the middle of it.

"let's just pull up his sheet and see just who this man is...you know, it is public record", she said. she printed it out. it took two pages of line after line of the same types of offenses over and over! his fault, alright! but he was bound to do it over and over and over.

well, i gotta go. good luck...make the best decision with the information at hand.

i appreciate your advice, however, i resent the remarks regarding the possiblity of me being anything less than the intelligent and compassionate person that i am. i do like to hear how it is on the inside, thus my reason for inquiring on these boards. i do have friends who were in prison before and now are out...friends, so i also have another side to analyze. as i'm sure many of you know, black men usually are incarcerated for drug distribution and/or theft. to be honest, you don't see too many black sociopaths/serial killers, etc. it is more of a societal issue although not to take the blame off the inmate in any way. i do also have friends/coworkers who tell me "i'm sorry, but i do believe people can change." so, i've had the guy investigated and all he says is true including his 4 year degree and military history, previous employment with a pd involved in busting criminals/sting operations...which he told me how he got involved in crime was by thinking and acting like a criminal to bust criminals and became one in the process, followed by addiction to the money/power/adrenaline associated with that way of life. now, at this time, i haven't made a decision on what to do. i am open to the possibility that he could be being dishonest in his stated intentions, or he could be sincere, i really don't know and will never know until he is out. do i want to take the chance and leave my husband and doomed relationship to take a chance on love with this man? i don't know yet because i am aware it is a huge risk. i may or may not take it. it is a big gamble.

Blackcat99 · Aug 21, 2004

OK, I'm going to cut to the chase: Are you a few Cheerios shy of a full bowl, or just desperate and lonely?!! Here's an example of an all-too-common scenario: My BIL has married four times since being in prison, and has left all four women devastated and penniless. And the last I heard, he was on the prowl for yet another victim---er, wife. :stone
I worry about anyone who seeks out prisoners for relationships, love, marriage and so forth. It isn't healthy. Please, get some counseling and find out why you are attracted to men who can't possibly provide you with a normal relationship and may, in fact, harm you emotionally, physically, and financially.

Thanks for your great post mjlrn97. Thanks for telling it like it is. I agree with you 100%.

nursbaybie, BSN, RN · Aug 23, 2004

Usually those who criticize the intellectual capacity of others are those who are themselves insecure. I am here to seek advice, to see how things really are on the inside so that I can make a better decision. If I were a complete idiot, I would not be seeking every piece of info I can gather, but would be completely ignorant and just go for it, but obviously, some just don't get it. I didn't choose to visit this forum to personally attack another's character, and do not expect nor tolerate being treated as such. For the few nurses who have tried to offer stable advice, I appreciate your help. I won't comment on the rest.

Hellllllo Nurse, BSN, RN · Aug 23, 2004

I happen to know of a nurse who had never committed a crime or taken drugs in her life. She was lonely, and rather unattractive. She began writing to a prisoner, and he moved into her house after he was released.

He put together a meth-lab in her basement, and was busted. She lost everything. She has since died of a drug overdose.

The convict now lives with a woman he was cheating on the nurse with.

Blackcat99 · Aug 23, 2004

I happen to know of a nurse who had never committed a crime or taken drugs in her life. She was lonely, and rather unattractive. She began writing to a prisoner, and he moved into her house after he was released.
He put together a meth-lab in her basement, and was busted. She lost everything. She has since died of a drug overdose.
The convict now lives with a woman he was cheating on the nurse with.

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:crying2: Yes that is very sad. I am very worried about any woman who gets involved with inmates. I have heard many sad stories of women getting ripped off by inmates. My friend the social worker met her husband at the prison where she was working. They married and he was a "great guy" while he was in prison. When he got out he started drinking again and then was beating up on the social worker. She had to sell her home and leave to get away from the maniac. I also knew a nurse who got marrried to an inmate with a life sentence. She divorced him because he had too many other "lady visitors." I also heard about a "defense Lawyer" who married an inmate. They got to spend a night together in one of them "Trailers." On the night of their "honeymoon" he escaped from the trailer. That lawyer became the laughingstock of the town. She had to move far far away from that town to start over. :crying2:

Trauma Columnist · Aug 23, 2004

To the OP: I have re-read the thread and don't find any personal attacks, rather a sincere concern for you. Dating an inmate is dangerous - at least this is what I get from these answers.

nursbaybie, BSN, RN · Aug 24, 2004

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Yes that is very sad. I am very worried about any woman who gets involved with inmates. I have heard many sad stories of women getting ripped off by inmates. My friend the social worker met her husband at the prison where she was working. They married and he was a "great guy" while he was in prison. When he got out he started drinking again and then was beating up on the social worker. She had to sell her home and leave to get away from the maniac. I also knew a nurse who got marrried to an inmate with a life sentence. She divorced him because he had too many other "lady visitors." I also heard about a "defense Lawyer" who married an inmate. They got to spend a night together in one of them "Trailers." On the night of their "honeymoon" he escaped from the trailer. That lawyer became the laughingstock of the town. She had to move far far away from that town to start over.

These are the stories i like to hear. Without someone calling me "a few cheerios shy of a full bowl" but telling me real life situations that happen, examples of exactly how a person can be conned and what the inmate is really after or what "could" potentially happen. I know that anything can happen, but to hear true stories of actual incidents brings a lot more consideration. When I first met this guy, I was ignoring everything I heard about it...saying, he doesnt' drink or use drugs so he won't go back to alcohol and/or drugs and be engage in acts provoked by the addicted mind, he isn't a rapist, molestor, murderer, assault committer, so he can't be planning an attack, so I couldn't honestly think of any reason he would want to deceive me other than maybe he honestly was tired of that life and wanted to start over and have someone there to support him. But I have read several inmate ads to receive pen pals and it seems they are all looking for a woman and a relationship for whatever reason. Could it be that they just want to get "hot, steamy" letters to get by in prison? and pictures? A place to go afterwords and get what they can get? It's really difficult for me to know if a person is different, especially since he (as well, i know, as several inmates claim) is now saved. Being a woman of faith, I know people "Can" change, but I guess there is no way to ever know for sure.

danu3 · Aug 24, 2004

If you want to get involve, maybe make it so that after his release, you two will take say, 2 years, to get to know each other spiritually, mentally, and emotionally before any kind of commitment. And I do on purpose leave out the physically. 2 years because if he is going to con you, he is not going to wait that long (but one could always be wrong).

-Dan

IDlvrM · Aug 24, 2004

I wish I could give you advice on your question, but I have no idea what the rules are. I had a pt that I got kind of attatched to while she was on the antepartum unit for 6 wks, who wanted to exchange #'s and get together after her D/C, but I was uncomfortable with doing that. Something in the back of my mind (I think I remember something from nursing school) was telling me it was a no-no. So I didn't.

My biggest concern, however is for you. I guess I just don't understand-why this guy? If you want to end your marriage, so be it. But from someone who's been there, don't do it over another guy. End your marriage (not that I'm telling you to), have some time to yourself and then find someone wonderful. This man may be a great guy, but there are so many great guys out there who haven't been in prison. I am not judging him, God knows I have made mistakes in my past, but something tells me that you have so much to offer (after all, you're a nurse and we are pretty COOL people) SOMEONE, SOMEDAY.

Make your decision based on what you know, not your heart. There are situations that require making decisions from the heart, but this may not be one of them. Life is hard enough, but if you do decide to have a relationship with this man, people are going to be cruell and judgemental when/if they find out his past...just be prepared for tough times.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

Danielle