Question from Husband of Night Shift Nurse

[ioter]

Hi All -

This might be a little unorthodox coming from a hubby, but I'm hoping to gain some insight behind my wife's reasoning behind some of her decision-making as a night shift nurse.

First, a little background. We've been married for over 5 years and have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. She's worked night shifts as a nurse for over 10 years now. I've recently taken on more responsibilities at work, and am currently taking a full course load in college, with another 2 years to go.

Obviously, there is a lot to juggle here for the both of us.

A current day right now see's her arriving from work at 8AM, me getting ready for work and leaving at 8:30AM, she then sends the older child to daycare for 4 hours, while she co-sleeps with the baby during that same time. I work until 6PM, but have to work later some nights due to my new responsibilities, and have homework from 7PM until 11PM or 12AM after I get home, and then am up with the baby for the nighttime feedings at 1AM and 4AM. On nights we both have off, she expects me to have worked ahead on my homework so we can spend time together.

I've suggested a number of times that she should consider moving to days since the only reason she worked nights in the first place was because we couldn't afford daycare for our first child. I'm making considerably more money now, however, so that's no longer a concern for us.

When I make this suggestion…all hell breaks loose. She starts ranting about how I don't help her enough with the kids and how I expect her to make this sacrifice but I don't have to make any sacrifices in this scenario. I know she doesn't get a lot of sleep, but to be honest, neither do I. This is taking a large toll on our marriage and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say Day shift or divorce” (which I know is irrational, but I really don't know how to convince her that her schedule is having such a negative effect on us).

Help!

[Rose_Queen, BSN, MSN, RN]

Have you asked why she doesn't want to work days? There are often a lot of benefits to working nights: management isn't around, patients aren't going off the floor to testing or physical rehab or what have you as much, and it can just be a better fit for some nurses. Instead of "making a suggestion" about going to days, have you tried sitting down and discussing? Depending on how you come across (and going by the divorce or day shift comment) you may not be coming across in a good way. If all else fails, there's always the option of involving a neutral third party by looking into marriage counseling.

[SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN]

When I make this suggestion…all hell breaks loose. She starts ranting about how I don't help her enough with the kids and how I expect her to make this sacrifice but I don't have to make any sacrifices in this scenario.

LOL!!! I am laughing because my hubby and I have gone through this throughout both of our careers. The "sacrifice" I think she is referring to is moving off of a shift she likes/loves (there are so many benefits to being a night shift worker to include the benefits to your family such as the time she gets to be with the baby)! :)

Let her rant and try to do what you can to help out and spend time with her. :) Do not rant back. Talk calmly and she will do the same... eventually. :) :)

[caliotter3]

When I worked night shift it caused problems between my husband and myself, even when I was rotating shifts. I had no choice in the matter. My husband was the unreasonable one in that situation because he was well aware that I had no choice. He thought I should do all of the housework and be there for him when he got home from work, without taking any time to sleep. I would have to say that from my experience, she is happy with night shift for the reasons stated above, or some additional reason(s). The two of you are going to have to come to some sort of agreement about this or, you are right, the marriage will deteriorate. Would swing shift (PMs) be a viable compromise? It was always my intention to move to the swing shift at some point, so that I could have the best of both day and night time to myself, but that never happened on a permanent basis. An option to include in the discussion.

[canigraduate]

Are you sure it's her schedule that's having the negative effect?

Or is it the lack of respect between the two of you? Your post sounds like you think things will be better if only she will change, which is a big red flag. There are two people in a marriage, and it takes both of you to make a change. Also, if she rants at you, she is not respecting you much, either.

Judging from this little piece you've given us, you've both got too much on your plates and it sounds like you are both taking it out on each other. You get up all night and she apparently only gets four hours of sleep while the older child is at daycare. This is completely unhealthy for both of you. No wonder you're having issues.

I think you need to work on the underlying problems of too little sleep and lack of mutual respect before you tackle specifics like what hours who works.

Also, something to consider is that you are not asking her just to change shifts, you are asking her to completely change her life. Switching from night to day, especially after 10 years of resetting your body clock, is HARD.

It changes everything in your life when you change shifts. For me, it was awful. I put on 20 lbs every time I changed shifts, and it hasn't come back off. It took a good six months to be able to sleep at night again, I still need chemical help a lot of the time, and I still wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. Also, my entire social life changed, interacting with family was different, and I don't even have kids. I can't imagine how hard it would be to give up the time with them.

This isn't a simple change. Think of it like moving, there will be lots of compromises to be made and lots of discussion. It isn't as simple as I believe you think it is.

[scottaprn]

cainigraduate is on the right path. Nothing in a marriage occurs in a vacuum.

Consider marriage counseling. Sometimes a person from the outside is needed to get to the root cause.

Marriage isn't easy.

[Red Kryptonite]

Maybe she opposes full time daycare for more reasons than money. Maybe you both should have thought a little more about the consequences of you trying to go to school right now with two full time jobs and two very little kids in the mix.

[canigraduate]

I had another thought.

Why does she have to change shifts? Couldn't you go to part time at school? And why did you take on more responsibility at work and enroll in school full time at the same time?

I think it may be a better idea for you to stop expecting your wife to arrange her life around yours and get back to being a partner in your marriage.

[canigraduate]

And stop posting your personal business on a forum she's probably a member of. And if she isn't, I hope for your sake none of her coworkers are either. The "day shift or divorce" comment alone is going to get you in serious trouble. If my husband said that on here, he'd have to work really hard to stay my husband.

[caroladybelle, BSN, RN]

Find out what she doesn't like about AM shifts. Sometimes there are more weekends involved, or a less convenient schedule.

In many places, there are significantly different personalities on the AM vs the PM shifts. AM has to deal with more visitors, rounds, more order changes, transport, PT/OT, social work, off floor tests and more. Those of us that detest politics or petty bureaucracy, often do PMs. I am weekend option AMs, which next best thing.

And often people are particularly close to those of their shift, and feel supported working with them. If there is already stress in y'all's marriage, taking her away from regular shift and friends could be very stressful.

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

Well, everyone's reasoning about staying on nights is different. You need to ask your wife what hers are. Also, sometimes, you just got to put your big boy pants on and make it happen -- you might feel alone for a little while but it's only temporary. Your schooling is temporary, the kids will get older, etc. etc. It will get easier. Consider, first, though that you say the *only* reason your wife was on nights is due to the need to pay for child care. Then you say she expects you to have all your homework done ahead of time so you can spend time together. There is some management of expectations that needs to occur on both sides (but really, only a tiny bit on her part because, hey, she JUST HAD A BABY 3 MONTHS AGO -- really think she's up for another change that requires more physical stress?????). Also, there are 7 days in a week. I doubt either of you work all 7 (and if you work 5 and go to school the other 2, maybe you might want to make a change) -- there is time in there somewhere to spend together. Make it happen.

[canigraduate]

Deleted.