Question from Husband of Night Shift Nurse

[ioter]

Hi All -

This might be a little unorthodox coming from a hubby, but I'm hoping to gain some insight behind my wife's reasoning behind some of her decision-making as a night shift nurse.

First, a little background. We've been married for over 5 years and have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. She's worked night shifts as a nurse for over 10 years now. I've recently taken on more responsibilities at work, and am currently taking a full course load in college, with another 2 years to go.

Obviously, there is a lot to juggle here for the both of us.

A current day right now see's her arriving from work at 8AM, me getting ready for work and leaving at 8:30AM, she then sends the older child to daycare for 4 hours, while she co-sleeps with the baby during that same time. I work until 6PM, but have to work later some nights due to my new responsibilities, and have homework from 7PM until 11PM or 12AM after I get home, and then am up with the baby for the nighttime feedings at 1AM and 4AM. On nights we both have off, she expects me to have worked ahead on my homework so we can spend time together.

I've suggested a number of times that she should consider moving to days since the only reason she worked nights in the first place was because we couldn't afford daycare for our first child. I'm making considerably more money now, however, so that's no longer a concern for us.

When I make this suggestion…all hell breaks loose. She starts ranting about how I don't help her enough with the kids and how I expect her to make this sacrifice but I don't have to make any sacrifices in this scenario. I know she doesn't get a lot of sleep, but to be honest, neither do I. This is taking a large toll on our marriage and I'm getting to the point that I just want to say Day shift or divorce” (which I know is irrational, but I really don't know how to convince her that her schedule is having such a negative effect on us).

Help!

[Conqueror+, BSN, RN]

First off relax. I know that you are stressed but look at your schedules. A 3 month old and 4 year old ? Work and school ? I have a 2 yo, 3yo, work 12 hour nights and attend school. Hubby works full time days and goes to school part time. ITS A LOT. We had a talk and agreed to take it as it comes. For us that means I love you and I am committed to stay in our marriage even if we don't go out much for the next two years. Even if we aren't hanging out and snuggling I still belong to you and we are only going through this so things can be better later. I hope that makes sense. On a side note my youngest turned two recently and I JUST started to feel like my old self again. Having children is life changing and a huge adjustment. I love nights because it is the only time things are semi quiet in my life right now. The large shift diff helps as well. We also "steal" what time we can together. Our last date was eating hot pockets while hiding in the laundry room and talking about the Christmas we spent in Vegas while the kids played with legos. We leave love notes on the others windshield, send surprise flowers to each others jobs. I'll order him a pizza and send it to his job and have an identical one sent to the house and we'll have "lunch together". On his class night I'll swing by the school and leave a treat in his car for him to find after a long day of work/school. He irons my uniforms as a surprise sometimes. I even put a mommy loves you onsie on the youngest the night before when it would be his morning to get her dressed. While physical time together is important the commitment is mental in the end. Those little things add up and it gives the other something to hold onto until you can be together again. I applaud you for caring enough to come to people you feel understand your wife for advice. My best advice is give it time and hang onto each other. She is not an opponent to be beaten or bent to your will. Let her know that you are on her side no matter what and you may be surprised at what happens. Teamwork.

[Conqueror+, BSN, RN]

PS whatever you don don't say dayshift or divorce. As a matter of fact I would say never utter the word divorce to your wife at all. It is an ugly seed that should never be planted.

[applesxoranges, BSN, RN]

Also day shift spots aren't always easy to come by if she wants to stay on the same floor. Maybe you could talk her into going part-time

[Libby1987]

Don't ever think divorce. Give up a job or quit school before ever considering divorce. You think parenting is hard now, try doing what you're doing each on your own while supporting two households.

And why do you have to work FT? I support my family and a nice life style on FT nurse wages, you guys can't get by for two years on one professional income?

You must have one compelling reason to be putting yourselves through this. It's sounds absolutely impossible to maintain.

[canigraduate]

Sometimes I wonder if the OP was BS. The timeline doesn't even match. Only doing nights because of the four year old, but doing nights for over ten years? Which is it? 10 or 4? Or is there some 10 year old tragedy we don't know about?

And what husband is so narrow-minded as to think that his entire marriage hinges on a shift? And is naive enough to believe that posting his private problems on a public forum, where his wife and her friends can see, is a good idea?

Things that make you go, "Hmmmm."

If this is legit, I hope the OP and his wife are at least talking to each other and trying to figure out the issues in their marriage. It makes me sad when two people give up on each other, especially when littles are involved.

[Libby1987]

I took it to mean that she was working night shift prior to having kids, 10 yrs in total.