PTSD- Am I alone??

sharona97, BSN, RN · Feb 28, 2008

I grew up in a very abusive alcoholic home. Unfortunetly my yours, mine and ours type of family dynamics have always been a mess.

I went to school with welts from belt and brush beatngs. I talked alot with my school counselor. I left the house at 18 (was told too), and had been in and out of therapy since age 11. But there never was a DX of PTSD then. Or told to me.

It was only when I became medically disabled after nursing for 30 years did I sense weird things, which I supppose were flare-ups, but quite honestly didn't understand that it was a flare- up.

Alot of the old feelings came back and I dealt with it, definately made me think about those bad abusive times, but didn't understand or didn't comprehend the "trigger" part. I thought I was just depressed or angry over a family issue or the fact that the love of my life nursing, was taken from me from being misdiagnosed.

I still seek therapy, and am with a wonderful physchologist now who has blatantly asked me how I felt about brining spirituality into our discussions. I was so impressed and relieved that I knew we were getting ready to dig deep.

I learned 2 days before Christmas 2007, that my mom was dying from Lung CA. No one in my family or my mom's sisters or brothers were "allowed to tell me". So I hear ya when you talk about the separation of family. I truly believe it was through divine intervention that I found out thru one of my deceased father's sisters by happenstance.

The one biological brother I had, has jumped on the bandwagon of let's accuse Sharona of how I'm feeling emotionally. He was my rock. Now he has "disowned" me. I feel sorry for my family because they are hurting and refuse to deal with emotional issues. Or don't know how. And choose to take their anger out on me. I've sent informative information touching on the actively dying person to this brother, boy was that a mistake.

Needless to say, despite how my mother treated me and I found out this horrible news, I went into a trigger happy world and lashed out at alot of good people, not even realizing I was showing triggered behaviour. I felt like I took 10 years backwards from all I have improved with through counselling.

I agree with all the other posters, your symptoms are important to know to help you understand what you thought you already did.( how to keep anger from being displaced as a example), and I also agree that a GOOD pschycologist and psychiatrist are absolutely needed.

I hope you take up the offers for private pm's. I have to admit Earle58 is an excellent resource,as I am sure there are many others ( I just don't know you at all no offense please). I also wish you continued peace in your journey through this life. Some times it is lonely at the top!:redbeathe

butterflyeffect · Feb 28, 2008

You are not alone. I really commend you on being brave enough to say anything. I am not currently a nurse but I do have PTSD from chronic childhood abuse and it has in the past affected almost every aspect of my life. I am hoping to be a nurse so this thread has really helped me feel a bit better about the stigma that can be attached to dealing with mental issues.

I will not go into how I have dealt with it in this thread but please feel free to contact me to talk if you would like to. I am in a great place now and know that I never thought I would be where I am right now. I am always amazed at how resilient and strong the human spirit really is and how one's past never has to define one's future. As horrible as the past was, it has made me who I am and I happen to like who I am! :nuke:

I wish you the best! :redbeathe

gentle · Feb 29, 2008

Hey, OP,

You're not alone, buddy.

I still have somethings that completely shut me down to the point that I cannot respond at all. I just stand and stare or sit and stare for a minute. It happened two or three weeks ago at work.

Mine is getting better because, I am aware of it and what it is. This isn't to say that it goes away. I don't know if it ever goes away. Mine certainly hasn't. I have had a good bit of counseling to help me get through it. I can now figure out why I am shutting down.

My anniversary months are the hardest right now.

And yes, depending on my energy level/emotions, I do go into hiding--in my home. I tend to shut out everyone, except my family, seeing a few very close friends by phone or going for a walk with them.

I have learned to make some peace with it. I have found that I can use it to help me stay balanced and not terribly over-extend with commitments. I have found that having other friends who share the same problems, but are commited to healing through it, make great coffee buddies :yeah: .

It's one of those things that has had and still does have an effect on me. Yet, I am trying to cope and heal just the same. I am pleased with my life overall.

Many hugs to you.

Love,

Gentle

strugglingnurse · Mar 2, 2008

Thanks you every one for your responses!!!

I cant express how much each of your responses meant to me. I truly felt sooo alone and isolated when I posted. However, Its so sad to hear that others are going through the pain that I am.

I hope we can keep this thread going as a form of support for all of us.

Peace and healing.

strugglingnurse

ShifraPuah · Mar 2, 2008

:icon_hug: for everybody with PTSD.

namaste_71 · Mar 3, 2008

:icon_hug: for everybody with PTSD.

Yeah, that!

Trauma Columnist · Mar 3, 2008

I'm going to move this to the nurses in recovery and addiction forum so that you can get more assistance. I am so sorry.

deeDawntee, RN · Mar 3, 2008

My heart goes out to you in your struggle. I have managed PTSD, among other related disorders for many years. The most important aspect of my healing has been to be in consistent long-term therapy. It is relationship that heals. (As much as our relationships with people harmed us, it is our relationships with others that will heal us.) I continue to manage symptoms such as depression, dissociation and profound insecurity. I haven't had a flashback in perhaps 10 years. I am mostly a productive member of society but continue have issues with attendance at work, since I seem to be easily run-down and catch everything going around. I use FEMLA protection and my employer has not harassed me about missing work.

I sometimes get down on myself for missing work, but remind myself that I am lucky to be doing as well as I am. It is a matter of perspective.

It is so unfortunate that being "mentally ill" is such a stigma in our society, including and especially in healthcare. We had no control over being abused and at times it seems we continue to be abused for having issues from our abuse. For that reason, I don't talk about it at work. I have learned to keep a firm boundary in that regard.

I do know that healing is possible and managing symptoms becomes easier as time goes on. I know that I am getting in trouble when I start comparing my life to others who seem to have it all. The most important thing I do for myself it to remember that my path is valid and I am doing the very best that I can and to be grateful for all that I have done and achieved.

namaste_71 · Mar 4, 2008

I do know that healing is possible and managing symptoms becomes easier as time goes on. I know that I am getting in trouble when I start comparing my life to others who seem to have it all. The most important thing I do for myself it to remember that my path is valid and I am doing the very best that I can and to be grateful for all that I have done and achieved.

The key word in that sentence is "seem." When I catch myself doing this, I remind myself that those who "seem to have it all" may, in fact, have very little that brings them joy. We never know what is going on inside another's heart, home or head.

As a support person for someone with PTSD and dissociative identity disorder, I thank you for being so open and willing to reach out to others. You're very brave and compassionate. I'm sure you're a wonderful nurse as well.

mahjia · Mar 6, 2008

no sweety, you are not alone. coz i myself was sexualy abused too as a little young one. i never told it to my family or to friends...maybe bcoz unconsciously i am ashamed. so i kept it to myself for a long time and that leaded me to the situation ur are in. i say leaded coz believe it or not, i overcome the situation.

as a nurse, or a studnet nurse i came to learn about understanding the people who commits unlawful acts. it is hard thu at first and i wont deny that (i had my confession way back high school to a priest about my situation and of how i feel bout it that i swore to kill ''him'' and he just told me to rest it all to God..at first i accepted it bitterly but not now...). and i am not questioning your capacity in not overcoming it coz every individual as we know do have different ways in coping.

what i wanna say is be strong, keep praying and ask the Lords guidance. no one can help us better than ourselves. :nuke::nuke:

longhornfan1 · Mar 6, 2008

Hey all. PTSD was the root cause of my turning to narcotics to cope. I have been in recovery and on the peer assistance program for 20 months and have been clean for almost 2 years. Therapy has done so much for me in recognizing my potential for relapse and the cause of my diversion and self-treatment. Got some bad news a couple of weeks ago though. Have been on the TPAPN program and compliant for 20 months until I had a positive drug screen on the 11th for morphine. I KNOW I have not done anything wrong. But have been asked to restart the two year program fresh. With only 4 months left until completion I am freaking out. Have asked for a MRO of the positive screen and know it was the poppy seed muffins I had the day before the test. I am sure the MRO will prove this, but was told by TPAPN today that my contract prohibited the ingestion of these substances and it does not excuse the positive screen and I need to get treatment again, and sign the two year contract again. I am so grateful for TPAPN for allowing me to recover from addiction, get the treatment for my PTSD and depression, but I am really angry that they won't listen to reason. Not an addict looking for forgiveness, just reason!!!!!. Kind of off the subject, but will say, Therapy is the first step. Good luck.

TX_ICU_RN · Mar 6, 2008

My heart goes out to you in your struggle. I have managed PTSD, among other related disorders for many years. The most important aspect of my healing has been to be in consistent long-term therapy. It is relationship that heals. (As much as our relationships with people harmed us, it is our relationships with others that will heal us.)

Fortunately, I finally found a wonderful therapist about a three years ago. We still continue to work together occasionally, but last year my anorexia relapsed and she felt I would be best served by finally seeing an ED specialist. So, last May I began seeing my current psychologist who has been AMAZING! It is SO true that the relationship heals. I spent from 1998-2004 seeing a therapist who was a "trauma specialist" and actually made negative progress. Unfortunately, I had no idea that it was the relationship that was making me worse. When I ended up at an inpatient trauma unit for a couple of weeks, I finally realized how detrimental my therapist at the time was for me.

I continue to manage symptoms such as depression dissociation and profound insecurity. I haven't had a flashback in perhaps 10 years. I am mostly a productive member of society but continue have issues with attendance at work, since I seem to be easily run-down and catch everything going around. I use FEMLA protection and my employer has not harassed me about missing work.[/quote']
I think the psychological, mental and emotional drain on those of us with chronic PTSD will never go away. I am about to return to work after being on disability for just over 4 years. Before I quit working, I was a Pedi NP. I did pedi for 7 years and NEVER quit getting all the childhood illnesses you are supposed to quit getting after 1-2 years in pedi.
In October 2003, I started getting really run down and having strange, inexplicable physical issues. On December 1st, I was rushed to the ER with horrible chest pain and it turned out I had pericarditis r/t rheumatic fever. I have spent the last four years since then battling various physical and mental issues. Due to the multiple physical issues needing surgeries and hospitalizations, I went on disability. It is just now that I have finally really taken the time to confront my demons that I am able to return to work!
I sometimes get down on myself for missing work, but remind myself that I am lucky to be doing as well as I am. It is a matter of perspective.
It is so unfortunate that being "mentally ill" is such a stigma in our society, including and especially in healthcare. We had no control over being abused and at times it seems we continue to be abused for having issues from our abuse. For that reason, I don't talk about it at work. I have learned to keep a firm boundary in that regard.
I do know that healing is possible and managing symptoms becomes easier as time goes on. I know that I am getting in trouble when I start comparing my life to others who seem to have it all. The most important thing I do for myself it to remember that my path is valid and I am doing the very best that I can and to be grateful for all that I have done and achieved.
Don't get down on yourself for missing work. YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. If I had taken the time to miss some work before my body just gave out, I probably would not have had to endure the problems of the past four years. Good for you at setting and keeping firm boundries. I wish mental illness was not such a stigma in our society and profession...and would love to see enough nurses getting together to help change that situation.