PTSD- Am I alone??

sandygator, BSN, RN · Mar 31, 2008

My PTSD is not from child abuse but from nursing. I am serious too.
I have no clue what to do. Therapy causes me more stress due to finding time and money. They are never right up the street and road time can add another hour or two to the day. I have tried counseling and didn't feel it helped.

Dear RN, I am struggling now with so many effects from my not working...money, guilt..mainly. I started out with a counselor thru work (EAP) but did not find her helpful, then went to a Psychiatrist who only wanted to give me pills, with no counseling...not the help I sought. I am afraid of where my depression would take me so I am trying again to find counseling that I would benefit from. Not all styles or personality are fitted to everyone. Keep trying! e-mail me if you would like to talk, commiserate, whatever. God bless you,

Sandy

strugglingnurse · Apr 6, 2008

Thank you everyone for your replies and interest in my thread. HUGS to e/o that has or is going through difficult times.

I started treatment but am again in danger of dropping out. I cant handle the intensity of the feelings, the flooding of memories and all that deep deep pain.

Just wanted to ask you guys- does anyone know- what is emotional pain???? I can describe physical pain well- starts with pain receptors, pain gate...... But what is emotional pain? Are there pain receptors somewhere that I dont know of??? Is it just all in my head???

I know this souinds silly, but is there any explanation that anyone can offer??? Thanks for reading.

strugglingnurse

moochsmom · Apr 6, 2008

There are numerous places to go for help with PTSD. The first place to call is any mental health group. Tell them you need to find a group. The most important thing is see a professional (if you have not done so). I work with PTSD returning veterans and it is so important to have professionals monitor you. I hope this helps. You are not alone, there are so many who have had the same abuse that you have suffered, so please keep your head up and remember there is hope.:loveya:

leslie :-D · Apr 7, 2008

I started treatment but am again in danger of dropping out. I cant handle the intensity of the feelings, the flooding of memories and all that deep deep pain.
Just wanted to ask you guys- does anyone know- what is emotional pain???? I can describe physical pain well- starts with pain receptors, pain gate...... But what is emotional pain? Are there pain receptors somewhere that I dont know of??? Is it just all in my head???
strugglingnurse

your emotional pain is the motivating force that makes you want to drop out of treatment.

you know, the intensity of the feelings...

how you feel when flooded w/memories.

that my friend, is emotional pain.

after 3 yrs, i couldn't handle therapy anymore.

i've realized that i don't need to process any more pain in order to heal.

i just need how to manage the enormity of what happened.

if you want to understand the neurobiological sequelae of trauma, i suggest you read some of dr. bruce d. perry's articles.

it has given me a lot of insight w/o having to deal w/the emotional part.

blessings to you, today and always.

leslie

leslie :-D · Apr 7, 2008

i hope this link works.

it is many of dr. perry's articles grouped together.

very helpful.

http://www.home.earthlink.net/~hopefull/TC_brucedperry.htm

leslie

BlueSkiesForever · Apr 10, 2008

Thank you everyone for your replies and interest in my thread. HUGS to e/o that has or is going through difficult times.
I started treatment but am again in danger of dropping out. I cant handle the intensity of the feelings, the flooding of memories and all that deep deep pain.
Just wanted to ask you guys- does anyone know- what is emotional pain???? I can describe physical pain well- starts with pain receptors, pain gate...... But what is emotional pain? Are there pain receptors somewhere that I dont know of??? Is it just all in my head???
I know this souinds silly, but is there any explanation that anyone can offer??? Thanks for reading.
strugglingnurse

Hey, I wanted to comment when you first posted and kept my fingers to myself instead. I tend to do that way too much. I can relate to what you've said. Fourteen years of severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, 4 years of living on the street doing what 14-18 yr old girls have to do to survive, the sudden death of my first child, a particularly ugly divorce, the suicide of my first (and only) love...add all that up, throw in some nightmares, dissociation, isolation, extreme avoidance of reminders, etc. and you get a nice PTSD diagnosis.

Long term effects on my life when I look back have been tremendous. I avoid people like the plague, addicted to drugs to numb me, don't have any close friends at all (I just don't let people in), multiple failed educational attempts, poor relationships with my kids, no family contact. I still have this ingrained need to punish myself for everything that happened (because it's hard to let that go, even when your brain knows how illogical it is, even when people are pretty much telling you that you are just in one big pity part). I even went so far in that need that I took a nursing job in the same NICU my daughter died in. I tried to say I was doing it to "help other parents", but the real truth was that every time something happened, it was another picture I could add to the file to torture myself with (thankfully, I do get some major rewards from my job too though). I carry a guilt knife to twist at every opportunity, guilt for not stopping things when I was a kid, guilt for the things I did to survive, guilt for not being present when my daughter died, guilt for not being able to be the kind of mom that I think my kids need, guilt for the suicide, guilt for the drugs, and everything else I can construct in my brain. Shame eats me alive and I don't like this person. I've made five suicide attempts myself.

Work triggers me bad sometimes and I've been in situations there where I've had to leave the unit and just go hide somewhere to cry. I'm currently off work on medical leave for treatment for the drug addiction and I've considered not going back to nursing. When it comes right down to it though, the good from the job outweighs the bad still, I can't make that kind of money waiting tables and the stress from starting over would be way too much right now.

People think you are supposed to just get over it and move on. It just doesn't work that way. You have to get a grip on it before you can let it go and even after all these years, I still haven't gotten that grip. I did six years of weekly psychotherapy and got nowhere. I can talk intellectually, logically about everything that happened to me and manage to block the expression of those feelings every time. There are a few places where I get slammed hard by it all, usually silly things that no one in their right mind would ever understand. I can't go in blue bathrooms (our bathroom at home was blue) and I get rid of quarters as quick as I get them (I was paid in quarters for sexual acts when still in single digits). Silly stuff.

I opened up a few years ago and finally let a couple of people in and they became two of the best friends I've ever had, probably the only real friends I've ever had. A year and a half ago, they moved 2000 miles away and I haven't let anyone back in since. In Feb of this year, I went to visit them for a week. Leaving there and them triggered me so bad (in retrospect) that I broke a three month period of complete sobriety and was suicidally depressed within a matter of a month after returning home.

Like I said, I'm in treatment again now and I go to AA/NA meetings (which ironically are another trigger for me) and I've been sober for almost three weeks this time. I'm intelligent enough to know that if I don't find a way to get a handle on the PTSD, all the drug treatment in the world isn't going to help me. The drugs are only a symptom. This stuff has killed me in every way except physically and it's almost done that too. Now that I'm "clean" again, there's nothing there to stop the feelings and the pain. It just floods back and this time, it's stronger than ever.

There's a huge wall between the head and heart though, you know?

Emotional pain? I don't have a description for it. I can show it to you though, 38 yrs worth of it.

I wish you all the best. You aren't alone in the way you feel.

HangTen! · Apr 11, 2008

IF nightmares are mental illness....IF painful memories are classified as mental illness....IF being afraid of the perpetrator is classified as mental illness....IF almost being killed and not emerging with a smiling "oh, I'll just dust myself off and start all over again with a skip and a whistle" classifies me as having a mental illness................................................

Count me in :thnkg:!

I definately had PTSD from being assaulted at........work!

My heart goes out to you. Hugs, Hugs and More Hugs to You!

There IS light at the end of the tunnel, please do not give up. We care here, therapy is not fun.......BUT the trauma that has sent you there CANNOT EVER happen to you again. Tell yourself this over and over again.

My therapist suggested putting a rubber band on my wrist (I used a hair tie), and when the "thoughts and painful memories intrude, pull it and snap your wrist". It will help bring you back into the here and now. I have to say, it worked. I recall even doing this in church.

PTSD is not covered by workmans comp in my state. Pathetic isn't it. Just today, the Unicameral killed a bill to cover witnessing violence at work. This makes my blood boil!!!!

What IF we all just QUIT! All law enforcement, EMS, nurses, doctors , firefighters that are the ones most affected by this? GRRR!!! :madface:

To the OP, although yours is not work related (I digressed there).....PTSD is PTSD. I had nightmares, startle reflexes in the most unexpected of times for years afterwards, panic attacks. I locked myself in my house, closed all window coverings (SOOOO NOT ME!!!), locked all doors and retreated to the basement.

I thank God Almighty! The years the locusts had eaten Have been restored unto me in more ways than I could EVER have imagined! I believe this is for each one affected here too, I truly do. I PROMISE you! The work, is More than worth it. More than you can imagine.

As one poster stated, do Not isolate. Relationship is key and such a reward, as you cannot imagine.

Peace be with you....know you are Not alone.

gentlegiver, ASN, LPN, RN · Apr 30, 2008

Im a long time reader who decided to finally post. This site is a major support for me!!
I was wondering, are there any nurses out there that struggle with ptsd due to child abuse??? If so, how does that impact your work, and how do you manage your symptoms???? Have you ever told anyone at work?? Any support groups you know of???
I really would appreciate your feedback here!!!
Thanks.

Hello, Maybe I can help. I am an Adult Surviver of Child Sexual/Physical/Emotional/Mental Abuse. I suffered from PTSD for many years without realizing I was. I grew up not knowing how to feel or express any emotion except anger. After my daughters were born I found myself abusing them Mentally and to a degree Physically to toughen them up so they wouldn't hurt the way I did. I was lucky, I had a friend who recognized what was happening, she helped me to find a councilor who specialized in all I had been through. After four years of intence therapy, I discovered that I could feel things I never knew before. I never went through a support group, and my family still considers my time in counciling as "the time I was ruined". They refused to support me in my effort to heal myself, indeed many times they tried to sabotauge my healing process. I confronted my abuser ('s) and have been happy with my life since then. I still have very little contact with family members, but, that is my choise.

As for how it affects my work, I can say it has made me more aware of symptoms of abuse in others. I am not afraid to approach anyone and tell them they are not alone. I can be supportive and non-judgemental. I think in many ways I have a strength beyond what a person who has not lived through this has.

When it comes to my symptoms, I have learnt to accept that the abuse was a part of my life and though it affects me occasionally, I do not let it run my life. I worked hard to learn my triggers, I can't always avoid them, but, I can be prepared when they hit. I take time for myself, walk, read, cook, a long hot soak in the tub. I sit and write how I feel during those times, just to myself, I say things that would never be spoken out-loud. Then I rip the letters up and burn them, reminding myself that they (the people, fears, emotions) can't hurt me anymore.

There is a wonderful life out there for we survivers to live. The scary part is accepting that not all we carry is our own trash. Sorting through the garbage in our heads is very hard. But when you do, keep only the stuff that you created yourself. Give the baggage you have from the abuser back to the abuser. A ton will be lifted off your shoulders. The sun shines, birds sing, and your heart will soar with them.

Good luck in your journey to recovery. It will have hills and valleys that will seem unsurmontable. Keep moving forward one step at a time, sooner than you think the road will be smooth. My heart is with you every step of the way. If you need to talk and an ear to hear, feel free to contact me.

:heartbeat :redpinkhe

strugglingnurse · Jun 6, 2008

Your responses to this post initially gave me the push and courage I needed to start therapy again. I really tried this time, but now I offcially terminated therapy again. I truly feel like a lost case, hopeless and helpless. Forever, lost in a cloud of pain and nightmares. The psychologist was just so cold and distant, I couldnt stand opening up to someone like that. Im looking for someone new, but they all just seem the same. Guess I'll continue to numb myself; that works.

TX_ICU_RN · Jun 6, 2008

Your responses to this post initially gave me the push and courage I needed to start therapy again. I really tried this time, but now I offcially terminated therapy again. I truly feel like a lost case, hopeless and helpless. Forever, lost in a cloud of pain and nightmares. The psychologist was just so cold and distant, I couldnt stand opening up to someone like that. Im looking for someone new, but they all just seem the same. Guess I'll continue to numb myself; that works.

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. I just recently found a really good trauma therapist, but I have to pay out-of-pocket. Until last summer, I NEVER would have paid out of pocket for a therapist. However, I was having life-threatening issues with anorexia and it was either "turn things around quickly or go into the hospital". There was not a single ED trained therapist on my plan. So, I started paying out of pocket and got a fantastic therapist. Recently, she and I decided that I had gone as far as I could with her for now and that it was time for serious PTSD work. Again, I could not find anyone worth talking to that was on my insurance. So, I am paying out of pocket again and it is worth every penny.

strugglingnurse · Jun 6, 2008

Thanks for your reply. I have been paying out of pocket for this therapist and the one before her. She had good knowledge of PTSD but I felt that she didnt care about me as a human being, only as "trauma Patient". I wish I can find someone good but I just dont know where to start. Maybe I am in fact hopeless.

CITCAT · Jun 6, 2008

Thanks for your reply. I have been paying out of pocket for this therapist and the one before her. She had good knowledge of PTSD but I felt that she didnt care about me as a human being, only as "trauma Patient". I wish I can find someone good but I just dont know where to start. Maybe I am in fact hopeless.

:(This made me very sad dearheart nurse,Let me reassure you you are loved and cared for my a higher power,who loves you regardless. You are a gift,your very being is a gift love yourself and rember GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE WHICH I HAVE TO CHANGE . LIfe is like a rose , with thistle and thorn,when the thorns of life hurt just invision your sense of peace "the rose" God bless dearone:saint:NURSES ARE ANGELS IN DISGUISE