Problem with co-worker - called racist?

[Nurse071094]

Hi everybody,

I apologize for the length, but I wanted to get this story out there to maybe receive some advice...

I am a new grad on a gen med/surg unit, and I'm about four weeks in. On my second week of orientation, I walked into work and walked down the hall as normal to go to the locker room. As I was walking I was thinking about my day and such, and walked past two coworkers (one fellow RN, one EVS worker), and as I passed they said good morning. It took a second for my brain to register that they were talking to me and I quickly tried to call out a quick good morning and then kept walking.

Now the EVS worker came into the locker room a few min later, and asked if "i was mad." Confused, I said no, why? Apparently she thought I had purposely ignored them. I apologized and assured her that I just hadn't been paying attention as I had passed them.

Awhile later that fellow RN also called me out and asked if I was ok. I said yes, and again apologized for not realizing they had said good morning to me. I said that I hadn't meant to be rude or anything, I was just new and got lost in my thoughts at the time.

Flash forward to last night when I was at the desk, again lost in my thoughts and one co-worker thought that I had "eyed her up" without saying anything. Again, not what I was doing, but I understood that she may have thought something.

She proceeded to call me out on it, and called over the EVS worker from the last encounter and said that I had "eyed her up." At this point, I was confused and embarrassed. Then someone said that the EVS worker had told others that she thought I might be racist due to these actions from the past.

Mortified, I apologized and assured her, and everyone else that I was not racist, nor trying to be rude. I sometimes get lost in my thoughts and it has nothing to do with the person around me. She then asked me my "sign" and said that we were fine now.

However, I don't feel fine. I feel called out for something that I could have been talked to about in private if it was really an issue. I also feel awful that she talked to others on the floor about me. Now I dread going to work because I feel that others think that I am not a nice person or something, do to misunderstandings that occurred.

Is there something I should do about this? I feel very unresolved about all this, and like something needs to be done. I realize my own actions could have played a part in making others feel like I was not nice, do to my not realizing I was blanking out. However I also feel that the EVS worker made others think things about me that are not true. I really don't want to have to get my manager involved as this is embarrassing for me, and also I really don't want to have a 'sit down' with this EVS worker as I feel this may cause me more repercussions in the future.

Any advice?

[Sour Lemon]

You work with some real weirdos.

[TuesdaysChild]

Although it seems uncomfortable, it's probably best to talk to her privately about it. The overwhelming majority of personal interaction conflicts can be avoided by simply communicating or else things are left unsaid and stay weird on the surface while festering underneath. Straightforward is best. Let her know that you feel your actions may have given a bad first impression and it's important that you get off on the right foot with your new coworkers, and also that it's likely it may happen again in the future on occasion because you get busy in your mind and you've always been that way (I'm guessing you're an introvert). Ask her if there's anything you can do to assure her you intend to have a good relationship with her. For the time being I would say don't grovel, but do be humble and sincere. She's got the upper hand as far as established relationships with all your coworkers right now, and that can turn into a mess really quick. If she says y'all are fine now, act accordingly. Don't continue acting as though there's really an unspoken rift between you because then it will be true.

[JBudd, MSN]

If she says you're both "fine", then just let it be. You've apologized, explained, defended yourself with the truth. If it comes up again, ask for a private chat, 'till then let it be a non-issue. If you overreact you'll prevent them from just getting to know the real you, that will only come with time.

In future, try being more tuned in to the people around you. Expand your awareness even when thinking hard, because you don't want that obliviousness to happen in a patient room and miss some subtle change. How? Make it a point to make eye contact with anyone approaching or nearby. Make smiling and nodding a habit.

[cleback]

I agree with Jbud. Although I would feel the same way as you, I feel that talking with that person more about it might add fuel to their fire. If you say anything during that private interaction that could be taken the wrong way, you will probably see a repeat of the first incident. It's not fair, but it may be in your best interest to let this one go until your coworkers get to know you better and won't be swayed by negative talk of 1 or 2 employees. Don't stir the pot unnecessarily.

[neuron]

Don't feel embarrassed or mortified. You've done what you can to remedy the situation. You are there to do nursing. Focus on your job. On the other hand, maybe you have something they like, and want you to treat them more friendly even if you feel 'out of place' when you have contact with them. Sometimes you aren't aware of it.

If they call you 'racist', which you aren't, that is a little extreme and not the proper place to be saying that. At that point, you might go to a trusted superior and tell them you don't come to work to be called a racist.

[canoehead, BSN, RN]

Make a point of greeting those people on your next shifts, and take a minute to chat during the day. Hopefully it will blow over. If someone had accused me of eyeing them up, I wouldn't know what that was...awkward. You looked at them? And then you had to show your "sign" what is that? I am one naïve white girl.

[nutella, MSN, RN]

It is all about the little things in work - relationships. It appears that most people care about feeling respected and valued. So there is a difference between thinking that the other person respects and values me and feeling that exact thing. It also depends somewhat on the culture you work in and generally speaking from which culture the other person comes from.

On the most basic level you guys are all human beings without regard to status (nurse, nursing assistant, unit coordinator, environmental and so on). People do not like to guess if you value and respect them. And it makes your work day much nicer when you have some interaction with other people throughout the day.

Here is my suggestion for you:

Make a conscious decision not to "blank out" because that will dissociate you further from what is going on around you.

Instead, make sure you greet everybody when you come in - do the first step! Do not wait for them to greet you. Stop by now and then for some small talk - does not have to be long and can be as simple as "did you do anything fun on the weekend?" or "have you watched xx movie?". If somebody wears a nice color scrub compliment them. It is the small things that go a long way - like giving people a hand to boost up somebody, walking the patient to the bathroom for somebody and so on.

I do not agree with that it would be better to have a conversation in private. I actually think that the worker did you a favor by talking to you and also calling it out. Trust me that you are better off when people are open about an issue and address it as opposed to backstabbing, whispering behind doors and so on.

[Nurse071094]

Thank you everyone. I realize I have things to fix about myself with the "blanking out" but it helps to hear that this isn't something that is normal. I don't want to be the person on the floor others don't like. I get along with my patients just fine, in fact I would even say most like me! It's just difficult when I feel almost attacked at work for little things I am not doing intentionally. I will just have to work on myself, come in with a shining attitude and pretend it never happened. I just wish I had a way of feeling more resolved without causing more problems.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I will start by saying that I am reserved and introverted.

Nonetheless, be mindful that coworkers remember us not for the quality of our work, but how they feel around us. The way they feel around you dictates your future working relationships. If established colleagues feel snubbed or uncomfortable in your presence, this can spell trouble down the road.

Some coworkers assign a very high value to socialization on the job. Some people utilize the workplace for validation of their existences. Other people use the workplace to get their emotional needs met.

It took me a while to realize that, to some people, feeling ignored is the worst type of blow to their souls. If you insult them or talk badly about them, at least you acknowledged them. However, being shunned is a million times worse to these people than being insulted because you failed to acknowledge their presence. To them, you failed to validate their existences as fellow human beings.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

Moved to the Nurse Colleague/Patient Relations forum.

[TriciaJ, RN]

Thank you everyone. I realize I have things to fix about myself with the "blanking out" but it helps to hear that this isn't something that is normal. I don't want to be the person on the floor others don't like. I get along with my patients just fine, in fact I would even say most like me! It's just difficult when I feel almost attacked at work for little things I am not doing intentionally. I will just have to work on myself, come in with a shining attitude and pretend it never happened. I just wish I had a way of feeling more resolved without causing more problems.

It's normal, especially when you're new, to want to get things settled once and for all. You were blindsided by bs accusations and you want the record straight.

But I think you got some good advice to let it lie for now. Some people are quick with the accusations and you don't need to reward them with more attention. If anyone calls you racist again, you should go straight to your manager. Not on the defensive, because you have nothing to defend. You need to tell the manager how offensive you find that word. It's really just a form of name-calling, which should not be tolerated.

It probably won't come to that. Find some solid mentors and work at being a solid nurse. When your newness wears off a bit, the weirdos will have way less power to ruin your day.