Home care nurse experiencing verbal abuse by family member of patient.

[prada5]

Hi everyone. I really need your help as I am so distraught and dont really know what to do anymore. I am a married mom of 5 and I have finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming an RN. I graduated 8 months ago and applied for several jobs with no luck.

Anyway, in July I was hired as a home care nurse working nights and caring for a young boy in his home. At first it was going well, but over time the boys mother has been unbearable. She is terribly rude to me and for no apparent reason. I have bent over backwards to help her out, including moving around hours to take her and her son to a NFL game. I have purchased flowers for the boy to give his mom, and even purchased a personalized jersey as a christmas gift to her son. I have taken their dog out in the middle of the night and cleaned up the floors when she goes in the house. All of this and much more without even a thank you!! Did I mention that my husband fixed her car for free because we felt bad and have huge hearts?

Anyway, lately this woman has treated me like dirt. She is constantly giving me dirty looks and slamming doors. Her son called me "slow" the other night and she did not say a word. I looked at him and said that was not nice, and she completely flew off the handle saying that she is going to start locking the doors and that I need to learn my role. She screams at me so loud I shake. I went into the bathroom and took a few deep breaths to gather myself. When I walked back out I asked her if I could speak to her and she asked me what I wanted. I asked her if I am doing something wrong that she is not communicating to me and she began screaming again telling me that if I dont like it then there is the door. She said that I let her son get away with **** that he wouldnt be getting away with with her or she would knock his head off! Huh??? I'm sorry but what does she really want me to do?

hen she continued to say that she doesnt want me playing around with her son and that I am his nurse and nothing more. If I were to write everything I have been through then I would be here forever. She is also always screaming and telling me that she is my boss and that she gets bills from the insurance company for 6000 dollars for 10 day periods and she thinks it is crazy. Well, she is getting an RN in her home up to 7 days a week for 9 hours each night. She acts like I am responsible. Sometimes I feel like standing my ground because I am a grown woman and I have never in my whole life been treated this way! I feel like my hands are tied because I have had no luck finding anything else and I do have 5 children.

Please give me some advice! I have talked to my boss about this repeatedly but she just says that she knows because she had dealt with her before...but the agency has no other RN cases open. This is not what I wanted in nursing and now I dread going to work. Please help!

[amoLucia]

Like others have said - "get out".

It may only be a matter of time before she might escalate to physical abuse or destroying some of your possessions.

She can also slander and/or libel you to your agency, your BON, and or go on the Web. And yes, these things all do happen!!

Any of those scenarios will cause you immeasurable time & grief.

Because of the smoking environment, you might be able to claim negative health-related issues to get out of the position without any problems.

Just get out before things get worse and that's only how it can go.

[tryingtohaveitall]

One more saying that this is verbal abuse and should not be tolerated. If you can afford it, quit ASAP.

[ceebeejay]

Agreed with all of the above. And, in the future (although I think this family would have treated you poorly no matter) always maintain professional boundaries. I sometimes get an urge to get a little coloring book or something for my charges, but I resist it. I channel my energy into their care and providing a safe and developmentally appropriate interaction instead.

[middleagednurse]

You might be eligible for unemployment since you are in a hostile work environment.

[SDALPN]

Agreed with all of the above. And in the future (although I think this family would have treated you poorly no matter) always maintain professional boundaries. I sometimes get an urge to get a little coloring book or something for my charges, but I resist it. I channel my energy into their care and providing a safe and developmentally appropriate interaction instead.[/quote']

We all do this job because we really do care. The problem is caring doesn't pay the bills and the parents sense it and use it to their advantage. The give an inch, take a mile thing applies.

Nothing against the OP. But I've noticed a pattern, have others seen this? It's always nurses on their first case posting here c/o (very valid complaints btw) abusive parents and bad environments....BUT....they put up with it longer than us seasoned nurses in PDN. Of course the open cases are the bad ones and the first available. On the other side of this pattern I've noticed is the parents on the trach boards talk about liking/wanting new to PDN nurses because they put up with more than the seasoned nurses. Just an observation over time...

[ceebeejay]

We all do this job because we really do care. The problem is caring doesn't pay the bills and the parents sense it and use it to their advantage. The give an inch, take a mile thing applies.

Nothing against the OP. But I've noticed a pattern, have others seen this? It's always nurses on their first case posting here c/o (very valid complaints btw) abusive parents and bad environments....BUT....they put up with it longer than us seasoned nurses in PDN. Of course the open cases are the bad ones and the first available. On the other side of this pattern I've noticed is the parents on the trach boards talk about liking/wanting new to PDN nurses because they put up with more than the seasoned nurses. Just an observation over time...

That paints only part of the picture. Sure, some people in any profession are just naive about boundaries and what constitutes abusive behavior or even how to respond to it. However, novice nurses nowadays have the added pressure of knowing that they may not find another job for months. Not every body can just walk away without knowing how they can put food on the table or pay the mortgage. So, they put up with it. The more seasoned nurses, are in fact more experienced and more desirable when it comes to hiring. Of course, if they are too seasoned it's not good, because then they demand compensation to meet that experience. I know many out of work RN's with 15 years experience. Nobody is calling them either. But, that is another topic all together.

[SDALPN]

That paints only part of the picture. Sure, some people in any profession are just naive about boundaries and what constitutes abusive behavior or even how to respond to it. However, novice nurses nowadays have the added pressure of knowing that they may not find another job for months. Not every body can just walk away without knowing how they can put food on the table or pay the mortgage. So, they put up with it. The more seasoned nurses, are in fact more experienced and more desirable when it comes to hiring. Of course, if they are too seasoned it's not good, because then they demand compensation to meet that experience. I know many out of work RN's with 15 years experience. Nobody is calling them either. But, that is another topic all together.

True. I was just looking at part of the picture and the pattern I've noticed. We all have to put up with crap to an extent. But I've seen too many nurses put up with abusive situations. I've been there too, so I can relate. Makes me wonder how the problem can be fixed. The agencies sure don't help!

[prada5]

No the agency does not help. I am at a loss. These 3 adults live on the rush of intimidating people. This woman has even stormed in my boss' office!! Also, my father was found unconscious on his garage floor due to extreme hypoglycemia so I missed one night and boy I heard about it!! She just wouldnt stop. She acts like she should always be my first priority! Now I fear getting sick and having to miss time. This is not fair.

[amoLucia]

To expand on the observations of the last 2 posters, is there some pattern here that agencies really take advantages of the newbies by assigning them the cases from hell? And then they pay lip service when the newbies express their concerns.

It's sad that the job boils down to getting a needed paycheck by putting up with the abuse. It's the same whether it's acute care, LTC or other areas. BUMMER!

[SDALPN]

To expand on the observations of the last 2 posters, is there some pattern here that agencies really take advantages of the newbies by assigning them the cases from hell? And then they pay lip service when the newbies express their concerns.

It's sad that the job boils down to getting a needed paycheck by putting up with the abuse. It's the same whether it's acute care, LTC or other areas. BUMMER!

Usually because those are the only available cases. No nurse in their right mind is going to give up a good case easily to end up in the bad cases. There is no need for abuse from anyone on either side. But as long as these agencies allow it, it will continue. Parents would change their attitude if they were required to treat us right and supply us with necessities or lose care. But the agency puts another warm body in the home and the family gets coverage, while the nurse will lose out and the replacement will soon lose out. I wish 20/20 or dateline could do a story on this somehow. When I tell people the crap I deal with, they are in shock. The parents should be required to agree to certain things or lose funding for care. Something has to change. We lose great nurses when their first case or first few cases are like this and they leave hating this job. The OP seems like a sweet person with lots to offer, but instead...like the rest...gets taken advantage of and treated horribly.

[auntdd]

You should try nursing homes that specialize in high skill patients. You need about a year of med-surg experience ....that will make you VALUABLE, DESIRABLE AND INDISPENSABLE to almost any facility...making jobs a dime a dozen for you. That being said...as a home heath nurse myself: *repeat after me* ...NEVER NEVER NEEEEEVER ....ever... do housework, personal favors, driving, NEVER offer money, gifts etc to the family. In most cases...this will get YOU in hot water. Not to mention it is VERY bad practice. Unfortunately it is a mistake many find out the hard way. Insurance companies, especially medicaid and other govt. insurance...can and WILL terminate private duty care benefits over the nurse doing these tasks. It also creates an unrealistic perception of your role. veteran Nurses in this field are quick to tell people...."I don't to windows". These people deal with all kinds of stress...and most is to do with the medical situation. It is also hard to have to give up privacy. That being said....this is a bad situation. Just because it is a client, and not your direct employer......does not mean that you are subject to abuse. You must report this to your company, and they must fix it.

[caliotter3]

The more you do for them, the worse they treat you in the end. It is almost always a one-way street and it is always about them; with the agencies, it is always about them. For every agency that treats its employees with respect, there are 29 that don't, ever. You have to watch out for yourself. If you don't, no one will.