Feeling no support from my husband at all...

[christvs]

Hi. I am feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm working 24 hours per week as an RN, I'm going to school full time and have soooooooooo much homework every minute of the day and night, and I am the only one who is paying any of our bills, including the mortgage. We just bought a new house (our first house I mean) a few months ago, which I didn't even think we could afford, but my husband said he really thinks we should because we are wasting money living in an apt. I kept saying for a while, I don't know, I don't think we can afford it, but then we sat down and said, ok, this is how much I bring home per month with my RN job (me) and this is how much you bring home with your tennis teaching job (him). Then we realized we could do it. So we bought our house. Then I got accepted to grad school at the same time, and started classes last month. I think I was so caught up in everything that I never even realized until recently that somehow since we had that talk, Dan decided on his own that he didn't want to teach tennis anymore. He was just going to focus on his real estate job that he has been doing for a couple of years. Did I mention that he's made NEXT TO NOTHING in this real estate job, despite changing companies several times, getting a mentor, going to classes, etc....?!?!?! Plus he has NO BENEFITS at all with this real estate job. Which means I am now paying (and I am barely doing it with 24 hours per week) ALL OF OUR BILLS. Plus, I can't even cut back to per diem and work fewer hours to focus more on school (which is what I wish I could do, but know I cannot) because not only is he not making any money, but I have to keep 24 hours per week because I carry the medical and dental for both me and him. I could take the school's health insurance plan (if by some miracle I could go per diem) but I really couldn't do that because he has diabetes and wears an insulin pump and my school's skimpy health insurance plan would be fine for me, but horrible for him and WHAT HE NEEDS. Do you see where I am going with this? I feel like I am in this all by myself with no support from him. So I told him how I felt, and that we agreed we would both work our respective jobs (RN, tennis teacher) so we could pay the bills. I told him that was what we promised each other as husband and wife. I said how I WISHED I didn't have to work as an RN 24 hours a week, because going to grad school full time and studying on top of that is really killing me...not to mention what he is doing or not doing to me and us. I said why then is it fair for him to quit the one job of this that he making money on a regular basis, and forcing me to tak e on everything...and I can just barely do it...money-wise and sanity-wise. It is not fair. Then he says to me "Well, I'm going to make money in real estate. I have listings now. It'll happen soon." But it's not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really isn't!!!!! I told him he wasn't being realistic and that "maybe soon" does not in fact pay any of our bills right now!!!!! I said he needs to teach X amount of hours per week of tennis, which is what we agreed on anyways, and he said no, he didn't want to and why should he?!!?!?!! I told him I was miserable because I am sooooo stressed out and cannot possibly do everything myself (most of the time I have to hold his hands to get him to clean/take care of the house) and that I am crying all the time, and just not happy. He said he was sorry I was feeling that way. not in a nice way, he was and still is giving me so much attitude. And he is not being fair AT ALL. Then he said fine, I'll teach tennis,m but not because I want to, only because YOU told me to.!!!!! How do I deserve this kind of talk/attutude after all my sacraficing and putting his needs before my own for so long?!?!! So I went and saw a counselor at school, felt a tiny bit better, but still have this huge problem with him. I told him we need to see a marriage counselor, he said he would go, but honestly, I am so mad and angry and bitter and resentful of him right now, I cannot even stand him. Please tell me what you think. Is this a common problem? Has it happened to any of you? We've been married for only 2 years but I feel like it's not worth it if I am the only one who is compromising, and he can't even do something basic and simple and I am so mad and upset right now!!!!

[christvs, DNP, RN, NP]

Thank you for responding everyone. I really do appreciate it. Unfortunately, I am still not doing well, because my stomach/abdomen has been bothering me for a while now and I finally had it checked out. Turns out I have gastritis. I am sure the stress was a major contributor to it. I am taking pepcid for it, and am making sure I just eat bland foods for a while so I don't further irritate my poor stomach. My husband has agreed to teach tennis part time, but he's still not working many hours in it yet, and I'm so tired of arguing. I''m starting to just not care anymore.

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

I'm getting the feeling that he doesn't care either. He just doensnt get that you all aren't in a situation where you can wait-and-see if the real estate thing picks up.

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

I Am Never Getting Married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to say that myself.

[mvanz9999, RN]

so, marie_lpn, does that mean you did get married?

i'm a guy...just for perspective. i don't really know what to advise you about resolving this. i'm not a counselor. i think it's absurd and ridiculous that he's expecting you to carry all the weight. but i'm old school, and still think the man should carry the burden of bringing home the paycheck.

i was married - i couldn't even get to nursing school. talk about lack of support. i guess in someways it's better that i didn't start than start and have even more issues. we divorced and i'm quite glad about that.

i would say "i'm never getting married to the wrong person again." it's a shame how things turn out with the struggles of life. i think he's totally in the wrong, and deserves a nice boot to the head.

i guess i would say that i agree with you. i have no idea what to do about that. i have no kids so i can't really speak with any authority on that. it just seems to me that it would be better to have a child raised with a single parent than to be raised in an environment where there is no love. i know a lot of children of single parents and there doesn't seem to be anything particularly wrong with them, in general. sure it will be tough at first, but wouldn't it be better to raise a child with a single loving parent than two parents between whome there is no love?

[CHATSDALE]

love is considered a form of insanity

we get married because of those fine biceps and then we realize we don't really know the person inside

real estate is a really rough field to get the foot in door..part time tennis teacher will bring snickers from a lot of people..dm is a rough disease to live with...i think that he is in protest against life

all of which doesn't make it any easier on you if you like the man and the house you need to sit him down and put your cards on the table..tell him when you finish school you will be better able have him concentrate on real estate if that is what he wants

until then he needs to help you financially and with houskeeping as this is an investment in your future as a couple

if working this out is an option that you are leaning too make realistic decisions

if not cut, the ties before you both are sick from anger and frustration

[nuberianne_RN]

Hmm.......Let's see.

1. Mommy and daddy supported him until he married you. I think that makes you (sugar)mommy now.

2. He convinces (bullies) you into purchasing a house and then reneges on the deal before the mortgage deed barely has time to be recorded in the courthouse.

3. He has the nerve to give you attitude when you are the one working and going to graduate school full time while he gets his "career" off the ground? This would not upset me at all had he discussed this with you first. After all how many spouses have supported us while we went to school to pursue a career.

4. Hubby picks up only a couple of hours of tennis, but has enough energy to pursue real estate. By the way, how much time and energy is he really putting into this "career"? Is he spending at least 8 hours six days a week sitting in the real estate office, handing out cards/flyers, showing houses?

OK I have gone off on a serious tangent. I need to calm down. You get the picture. You two can work this out as long as both of you are willing to put in the effort. Go to counseling. Start making some of your own drastic decisions if it will save your sanity and your health. I think a great suggestion is to cut your school work down to half time next semester. As much as you may not want to hear it and as much as your husband wants to be pigheaded you can do some compromising too.

I think if we talk to some couples that have been married for decades you will find out that marriage sometimes means giving in and giving up even when your spouse is totally in the wrong. Wow! did I just have a Dr. Phil moment or what?

[WDWpixieRN, RN]

After being in a marriage for almost 30 years with a guy who lives in lala land, I can tell you some people like this DON'T change. My father-in-law always dug my husband out of his financial difficulties, and when the man had the audacity to die 3 years ago, I thought perhaps that would straighten my husband up. It didn't; things have gone from bad to worse and I'm the bad guy because he never had a "bad guy" (parent) to tell him that he couldn't afford something or that a bill was more important than what he 'wanted' at any particular time.

I have stuck around "for the kids'" sake (probably not for the better in retrospect)....the baby just started college and I am in my first semester of NS, and petrified what I will do if this doesn't work out. I want out of the marriage, because at 50, I see us eating Alpo and living in subsidized housing during retirement. I am tired of fighting these battles and being the "bad guy". I could really relate to your feelings toward your husband. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't begin to "get" how I feel.

I wish you a lot of luck and hope that if things don't get better you wise up long before the amount of time it has taken me.

[medsurgnurse, RN]

You are entering Grad school. Your career will be taking off. You are outpacing him career-wise and he feels threatened. Quiting the job is sabotage. It's a way to make you quit grad school, so that you will not outshine him. And if he has never had to actually pay bills before he has no idea how much monthly living expenses can be. Anyway, just my take on it. I've just witnessed it among other female professionals, if their career or education exceeds that the husband, the husband is threatened. In the end its their own behavior that ends up destroying the marriage.

[luv2shop19mall]

i think this is a blessing for me to know that someone is also feeling the same way as i do.i am a second courser and my 2nd course is BSN after i graduated bs biology.i believe i've been through alot of perseverance,patience,and hard-working for my future with my own family.as of the moment, i still have no work bcoz i just graduated and passed our local board exam and now,im focusing on my review for the NCLEX.however,i feel the same way with my husband.ever since, he kept on promising that he will help me through with our lives as a family.we had an agreement that he should be working by now coz we have no other source of income aside from the support we get from our parents.he didn't finish his college which i asked him to do coz it'll be so important for us.coz here,it's almost impossible to find a good job unless you are a college graduate so i was thinking,how much more if he will be undergrad.he took alot of courses and didn't finish anything.i got mad and felt hopeless so i decided to work on my own and do the things on my own.then i asked him to find a job instead.he was also in areal estate and again, he didn't last there.he quit.and i was like,wait this is not good anymore.he promised me that he will find a job and earn money for the schooling of our child who will be starting his nursery year next june.and until now,we still have no savings at all.i planned to work and i really wanna work but i just cant coz i really need to pass the NCLEX and it's gonna be tough for me to serve two masters at a time.and i started to realize that even on our way to the states,it's still me who's going to find a way and i thought this is TOO UNFAIR.he's just living his life without any sacrifices..and i forsee myself being just like in your situation where i will be the only one handling all the expenses and living.i dont wanna go that far but until now,i dont know what to do.he has no directions and is completely dependent to me and our parents.i dont know if until when am i going to be patient for this kind of life.sometimes i wanna call it off..sometimes i think of getting out of the situation by having a separation.but im more concerned with our child, i dont want him to beling in a broken family thats why im trying to hold on.i just hope by the time we move to tha states,he would change and help with everything but i still doubt.what should i do? any suggestions?im really hopeless.............

well you know what?? just reading your story. is making me feel like im not alone .. im about to loose my husband.. hes not giving me a 2nd chance after taking out my frustrations on him becoz of taking the nclex again, getting fired from work.. i kept saying that i am going to leave him and he finally shut his ears.. im not going to make myself look like an idiot.. i honestly dont know what to do.. only 4 years .. what do you think .. is that dumb or what// i guess he doesnt want to work it out. he siad hes tired of the relationship.. sihs... what a lame excuse..

[tofutti]

I'm sorry to hear your story. Know what? Men like this don't change. Worse, if you divorce him, he'll probably want support...and get it if he plays the unemployed, and disabled by my diabetes card.

But overall he's showing you what he's made of.:uhoh21:

I had a husband-ectomy a few years back and am looooving my life! Happily remarried to a sweet, hardworking, PARTNER of a man.

I wish you the best.

Tofutti

[Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN]

Husbandectomy LOL!

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

Hey come on guys - there are happy marriages out there where the partners support each other! Not every marriage is unhappy. Hubby and I Have been married for over 26 years now, have two kids, did the career military thing (read moved every 2 years for 20 years), have had much stress along the way. Yet there is no one else I'd rather wake up with.

He is very supportive. I went back to school for 4 years from 1990 to 1994 for my LPN and ADN and just finished another 3 1/2 year stretch (2002-2006) for my BSN, MSN and post-MSN certificate. Not fun, but doable.